A/N: "Courage is knowing what not to fear."-Plato

***

"Do one thing that scares you."

This was the thought in my head when I woke up at six in the morning.

I had a restless sleep because I kept thinking of the conversation I had with Althea before we went to bed.

I've always known that she was a good person.

Despite the bad things that happened to her, she remained strong and steadfast in her belief that people are good and that her situation was temporary.

Nothing lasts forever, she told me once.

Does our relationship belong to the same criteria?

I hope not.

I felt torn with what I'm about to do because I didn't tell her the entire story about my father's meeting with my boss.

It was my conscious decision to leave out some details because I didn't want to give Althea additional reasons to worry about.

What was omitted from what I told her was, Mr. Chan called me at his office after the meeting with my father.

He told me he was pressured by Dada to pull me out from the show.

"I didn't agree with his suggestion because from what I saw, you love what you do Jade, and you have the talent for this," he looked bewildered by the audacity of my father to demand my exclusion from the show.

His words failed to soothe my troubled mind.

The truth was, his kindness aggravated my worries.

I was also embarrassed by my father interference just to get what he wanted.

In my heart, I don't deserve this kind of sympathy because I am causing problems not only to him but to other people as well.

I overheard one girl, a theater actress who was also a part of the show, said that I was going to sink the entire ship because of my being a Tanchingco.

At the time, I wanted to tell her that she has no right to judge me.

Aside from my last name, she doesn't know who I really am.

But David stopped me before I could even make a move to talk to the girl.

"It's not worth it, Jade." He took me outside where we talked about the situation.

"Tito Oscar was very disturb with what you're doing," he revealed and I wondered why my father was discussing my personal life with him.

David sensed my displeasure and he was quick to defend the actions of my father.

"You know how it is in our culture, Jade."

"Our name is very important."

"Once our reputation is tarnished, it's difficult to gain people's trust." He explained.

I shook my head at him.

"What exactly is your point?" I asked, irritated.

He looked at me seriously.

"Your being a........." he paused and he looked uncomfortable.

I raised my eyebrow.

"My being what?!" I challenged him to say the words he couldn't say.

"Your being a lesbian has been gossip fodder in our community for a while now."

"Your father is deeply affected because everyone questions his failure to raise you the right way,"

My anger escalated but I controlled myself from any outburst.

Instead of telling him what was on my mind, that they could all fuck themselves, I walked away from a stupefied David.

"Jade wait!" he ran after me but I was already inside the building.

I caught the elevator and got in.

David ran to catch it but it was too late.

***

These are the things I never told Althea because I don't want her to know.

Since we've been together, it felt like all I did was brought misfortune to her life.

She would totally disagree but I believed that the bad outweighed the good and it hurt me.

I agreed with her noble intention but it's easily said than done.

My father wasn't one to forgive easily.

But Althea made a strong point when she said that if one doesn't make an effort, how am I going to know to what extent he was willing to ignore me?

***

Another thing that bothered me was, what would my father do once I set foot at the mansion?

I remembered that story in the Bible about Daniel being thrown to the lions.

I am no Daniel.

My dad could be a ruthless lion.

Would I make it through this test?

The answer remains to be seen.

***

I regretted writing a vague letter to Althea.

As I wrote it with a heavy heart, I was watching her sleep.

She was snoring softly and she looked calm, peaceful.

I touched the side of her face but she didn't stir.

"I love you," I whispered and then I placed the letter on the nightstand.

Before I left the condo, I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye.

***

The cab took me to Antipolo where Althea's father was waiting for my arrival.

I called him on my way to his house and it was good that he was up early.

Papa was surprised to hear my voice.

I told him I have to see him and his tone changed to worry.

"Are you and Althea okay?" he asked.

I told him that things are fine.

He didn't believe me.

"I need your advice," I said to him.

He said he would be waiting.

***

Yaya opened the gate and greeted me with a warm smile.

She looked behind me, checking for Althea but I told her I'm alone.

I saw the question in her eyes but she didn't say anything.

She pointed to where Papa was sitting on the terrace reading the morning paper.

He looked up and put down the newspaper he was reading.

Once I was close to him, I kissed him on the cheek.

I inhaled the faint smell of topical liniment and it was my turn to ask him if he was okay.

He nodded yes and motioned for me to sit down.

"What's wrong, Jade?" was the first thing he said to me.

My decision to come here was an afterthought.

I was unsure whether my decision, going back to the mansion to talk to my father, was the right thing to do.

Althea was right that I was the same as my father—stubborn.

Honestly, I was prepared to leave things as they are.

I was settling in to my new life with Althea.

The occasional bouts of loneliness were manageable but perhaps, Althea was too sensitive that I couldn't completely hide those moments when I wished my father were present to celebrate the milestones in my life.

"Jade?" I heard Papa's voice.

I told him of my plan.

Once I was done talking, he asked if this was what I wanted to do.

I shook my head.

"So why are you doing it?" his voice was gentle, devoid of accusations.

"Because this is the right thing to do," I answered.

He didn't respond.

"Papa, Althea has a good point and I have to admit that I missed my family," my voice broke, betraying me.

He slowly nodded his head in agreement.

"This situation with my father showed a different side of me and the realization was frightening," I looked him in the eye as he waited for me to continue.

"I realized that I am able to stand by my conviction even if it means totally cutting off my connection with my father," I paused.

"Papa, I didn't like that discovery about myself." I revealed.

"If I am able to do that to the my own flesh and blood, does it mean I could do that to Althea as well?"

He didn't immediately respond to the question.

Instead, he looked away and stared at the bird, a maya, that was perched on the mango tree in the backyard.

I wondered if I offended him with my question or if I'm giving him an idea to what I could do to his daughter.

Lately, with the mounting stress from the show and my Dada's reemergence in my life, I've been all over the place.

I wasn't the same girl who was confident and articulate.

On the contrary, I've been distracted and incoherent with my thoughts.

"Love isn't perfect, Jade." Papa began to talk and turned his attention to me.

"There are no rules or how-to's on how to navigate the relationship we have with our families or in your case, Althea."

"Just because you saw a darker side of yourself does not make you a bad person."

"The recognition is there to make you aware that it exists,"

"What makes the difference is how you involve that part of your personality with the decisions you make in your life,"

He placed his hand on top of mine.

"You always have a choice, Jade."

"Do it not because others told you to do so but because this is what you think is right for you,"

"If your judgment is wrong, then learn from it and move on."

I inhaled as I processed his advice.

"Papa, there is one more thing I would like you to do for me." I took a deep breath before I said the words I've been dreading the whole time I was on my way to his place.

"No matter what happens, please tell Althea that I love her and I'm sorry for not saying goodbye," my voice broke one more time.

I saw his surprise and a tear escaped my from my eyes.

"I'm scared, Papa but I am going to do this not only for myself but for my family as well."

"I can't explain why I feel this way, like something bad is going to happen."

"Hija," Papa squeezed my hand.

"What you are about to do is a brave thing," he smiled at me.

"I'm sure that if your father is here and he can see how much you love him, he will be very proud of you."

I thanked him for what he said.

Secretly, I wished that all fathers were like Althea's--understanding and loving.

She is very lucky to have him.

Well, they are lucky to have each other.

I stood up and told him I have to be on my way.

Before I left, I hugged and thanked him for his kindness.

"This is not the end, Jade." He said to me.

I wanted to believe what he said.

But as I closed the gate behind me, I have a strange foreboding that it would take a while before we

see each other again.