A/N: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."-Martin Luther King Jr.

***

"This won't be the end. That I can promise."-Althea Guevarra ;)

***

Dahil hindi lang naman mga kabataan ang nanood ng concert ko, I asked Papa at Mr. Jimenez kung ano ang gusto nilang kantahin ko para sa kanila.

Heto ang napagkasunduan nilang dalawa......

Here Comes The Sun-The Beatles

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

And I say it's all right

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

It's all right, it's all right

Kuwento ni Mr. Jimenez, he saw the concert when the band came to Manila.

Doon niya daw nakilala ang nanay ni Karen.

"My reputation precedes me kaya nahirapan ako sa kanya," sabi nito habang sinasariwa ang nakaraan nila.

"Back then, I had an ego dahil na rin siguro sa edad at sa success na tinatamasa ko at my age."

"Katwiran ko, bakit ko siya hahabulin when ang dami namang iba na madali kong makukuha?"

"Pero Althea, iba talaga ang pag-ibig." Napangiti si Mr. Jimenez sa akin.

"Kahit anong pagpapakipot ang gawin niya, para akong baliw na lalong nagpupumilit na mapansin niya."

Dahil alam ko na  kung ano ang kinahantungan ng relasyon nila at ni Karen, inamin ni Mr. Jimenez na naalala niya lang ang kantang ito ng dalawin siya ng kanyang anak sa ospital.

"Nang araw na yun, nagliwanag ulit ang buhay ko."

"Akala ko kasi, titikisin niya ako dahil sa mga taon na wala ako sa buhay niya."

"But her mother raised her well."

"I am so proud of how she turned out to be this independent and intelligent woman,"

Tiningnan ko si Mr. Jimenez.

Hawak nito ang kamay ng kanyang anak.

Si Karen naman, nakatingin sa kanyang ama.

The power of forgiveness.

Hindi ko maiwasang tumingin kay Mr. Tanchingco.

Nagtama ang paningin namin at napangiti ito.

Dumating na din siguro ang liwanag sa buhay niya ng tanggapin niya kami ni Jade.

Si Papa naman, he looked so proud.

After naming mamanhikan, inamin niya na hindi niya akalaing darating ang araw na hihingi ng tawad si Mr. Tanchingco.

"Meron talagang milagro," natatawang sabi nito.

Totoo nga siguro.

***

Dahil nasa subject tayo ng milagro, hindi pwedeng hindi ko kantahin ang isang awitin na I stumbled upon during the lowest point in my life.

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)-Hillsong United

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

***

Nasa rehearsal si Jade noon and I was at the music room.

This was after the encounter with Mr. Tanchingco sa condo.

At the time, nasa height ng depression si Jade samantalang inaalipin naman ako ng guilt sa nangyari sa kanya.

I admit na sinisisi ko ang sarili ko.

Dahil na rin siguro sa ayaw kong nakikita na nasasaktan siya or umiiyak, naisip ko na mas mabuti pa siguro kong ako ng mismo ang gumawa ng paraan para iwanan niya ako.

I could tell her bluntly to go back to the mansion para masolve na ang mga problema namin.

I thought of writing her a letter, telling her na with all the mess going on, our relationship won't succeed.

Dahil sa problema nag-umpisa, malamang sa problema din matatapos.

Scathing words and hurtful scenarios run aplenty in my mind pero a small voice was telling me that Jade won't buy whatever bullshit I'll give her.

She knew too well that this wasa plan borne out of desperation.

"Lalo ka lang niyang hindi iiwan," the voice, although small, was loud and clear.

But I refused to let the voice win.

Inentertain ko ang idea sa isip ko and lalo akong naiencourage  na gawin ang balak ko.

Lalo pang nadagdagan ang mga alalahanin sa puso ko ng makita ko kung nasaan ako ng oras na yun.

Sa bahay lang, mag-isa, naghihintay sa pagbalik ng girlfriend ko.

Domestic goddess, driver at companion ni Papa, walang gig o career na pinagkakaabalahan.

At that moment, the devil was taunting me.

I wanted to scream dahil feeling ko, ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit may mga taong nasasaktan.

Muntik ko nang basagin ang acoustic guitar ko at habang hawak ko ito, tinitigan ko itong maigi.

Parang bigla akong natauhan when I realized the value of that piece of instrument sa buhay ko.

Musika at gitara ang kasama ko sa lungkot at saya.

Para itong imaginary friend dahil pwede kong isulat ang nararamdaman ko.

Hindi ako hinuhusgahan sa mga kantang nagawa ko, pangit man o maganda ang kalabasan ng komposisyon ko.

Ang gitara ang kayakap ko kapag meron akong ideya.

Gitara ang unang regalo sa akin ng aking ama.

Pero bakit sa gitara ko gustong ibunton ang galit sa puso ko?

Bakit gusto ko itong sirain?

Pinahid ko ang luha sa mata ko at binaling ang atensiyon ko sa laptop.

May boses na nagsasabi sa akin na magiging okay din ang lahat.

Habang nagsisearch ng videos, I found the song and I was immediately hooked sa intro pa lang.

The song was a promise......a message from a higher power.

A reminder that at that moment, I was never alone.

The arena was dark habang kumakanta ako.

Galing ang liwanag sa phones, glow sticks, neon bracelets, lighters, flashlights  at kung anu-anong light source na dala ng crowd.

Naramdaman ko na in that room filled with a thousand people, the spirit was with me.

I will never be alone.

That I am loved kahit ano at sino pa ako.

***

Dahan-dahang bumukas ang ilaw sa arena at saglit akong nanahimik.

Nadala din ang crowd dahil tahimik lang din sila.

After a few seconds, kinuha ko ang microphone para sa next song.

"Unplugged muna tayo ha?" pasakalye ko sa kanila at tinipa ko ang chords ng kanta ko para kay Jade.

Landslide-Dixie Chicks

I took my love and I took it down

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Meaningful ang kanta sa akin dahil when I met Jade, nagkalandslide sa buhay ko.

There I was, single, mingling, mayroong career, famous.

I was having the time of my life kahit pa deep inside, I was lonely.

Despite that truth, I wasn't looking for love.

Di ba nga, gusto ko lang makipaglaro?

Pero nang makilala ko siya, biglang ayoko ng makipaglaro sa iba.

Siya lang ang gusto kong kasama.

At nakisama din ang tadhana dahil sa ang daming nangyari sa buhay naming dalawa.

Mga pagsubok na hindi namin akalain ay kakayanin namin.

Hawak kamay kaming sumuong sa bagyo.

Sa isa't-isa kami kumakapit at worth naman lahat ng pakikipaglaban namin.

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

I'm getting older, too

Well...

Tiningnan ko si Jade while singing the lyrics.

Nakatitig din siya sa akin.

Alam niya, kahit hindi ako magsalita, kahit walang dedication, para sa kanya ang kantang ito.

Alam din niya na kung maulit man ang lahat ng pangyayari sa buhay namin, kaming dalawa pa din ang magkahawak kamay hanggang sa huli.

***

Meant To Live-Switchfoot

We want more than this world's got to offer

We want more than this world's got to offer

We want more than the wars of our fathers

And everything inside screams for second life, yeah

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

We were meant to live

We were meant to live

***

Meron akong hindi makakalimutan na incident when I was going with Papa to the hospital for his treatment.

This was after my senti moment sa music room.

Medyo nakakaya ko na ang reality sa sitwasyon namin ni Jade at kailangang panindigan at tatagan ang loob.

Nakaupo lang ako at nagbabasa ng magazine ng lumapit ang nurse sa akin.

Meron daw isang pasyente na gusto akong makausap.

Binitbit ko ang gitara ko just in case.

The patient was a sixteen-year-old guy na may brain cancer.

When I entered the room, kahit na ilang beses ko na silang naeencounter, lagi pa ding may element of surprise.

Shaved na ang buhok ng pasyente at payat na payat na ito.

Pero hindi yun ang gumulat sa akin kundi ang ngiti at masayang expression sa mukha niya.

Binati niya ako at pinasalamatan dahil pinaunlakan ko siya.

"Pwedeng magkwentuhan lang tayo?" tinuro niya ang gitarang hawak ko at tinayo ko ito sa gilid ng kama niya.

Mac ang pangalan niya.

Matagal na siyang nakaconfine at sabi niya, any minute, mawawala na siya.

May kumurot sa puso ko because of the way he casually said the words.

Na para bang dumalaw lang siya saglit sa hospital at kailangang umalis na din siya agad.

"I'm just being realistic, Miss Althea."

Tumango lang ako.

Sinabi niya na before he got sick, he was very adventurous.

"Dangerous sports ang trip ko and I felt so invincible."

"As you can see, I'm young and the only things stopping me from doing the things I want was.......me," tinuro niya ang sarili niya to make the point.

Mabagal magsalita si Mac dahil habol-hininga na ito.

Maputi siya and I could see the blue veins in his skinny arms, ganun din sa maputla niyang pisngi.

Buto't balat na si Mac at kahit pigilan ko ang awa dahil that's the last thing he needs, mahirap gawin.

Kahit unsettling ang kanyang appearance, I tried not to be too obvious dahil ayokong maoffend siya sa akin.

Nabasa niya yata ang iniisip ko dahil tinanong niya ako if I'm okay.

Tango lang ang sinagot ko sa kanya.

"When I was diagnosed with cancer, I felt all sorts of emotions."

"I asked..... why me?"

"When I realized the question, I asked.....why not me?"

"I wouldn't want to wish my circumstance on someone else."

Tahimik lang ako na nakikinig sa kanya.

"Pagkatapos kong maprocess ang sitwasyon, I asked my parents not to put me through chemo."

"I told them I meant to live while I still can."

"Against their wishes, I lived my life na parang normal lang lahat."

"Supportive naman sila sa choice ko that is until....." tumigil si Mac at hinabol ang paghinga niya.

"Okay ka lang ba?" nag-aalalang tanong ko.

Tumango siya.

"Hindi na mahalaga yung until........" ngumiti siya sa akin.

"Ang mahalaga, I did what I had to do while I still have the chance."

"Marami pa sana akong magagawa pero it's not up to me anymore."

Tumingala siya na parang ina-acknowledge ang isang presence.

Natahimik siya at ganun din ako.

Pakiramdam ko merong isang anghel na pinadala sa buhay ko in the form of Mac.

He was sick and yet, I felt the optimism habang nagsasalita siya.

By surrendering his life, he gained his freedom.

I was introspective after that conversation.

Heto ako, malusog, masaya, may nagmamahal.

Pero bakit gusto kong sumuko kung kaya ko namang lumaban?

Inalay ko ang kantang ito kay Mac.

Hindi ko na siya ulit nakita after ng conversation namin na yun.

When I came back sa hospital, I learned na wala na siya.

Everytime gusto kong magpatalo sa negative at self-defeating thoughts, I go back to that hospital room and I am enlightened.

***

Iris-Goo Goo Dolls

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

***

While this was originally the song for the movie City of Angels, as I listened to it, I thought of how my life had been.

Dahil sa gusto kong maging totoo sa sarili ko at sa relasyon namin ni Jade, I gave up the thing I considered my reason for being—ang career ko.

But then, being away from the limelight at sa lahat ng nakasanayan ko opened new doors for me.

I spent more time with my father.

Isang mahalagang bagay I took for granted before siya magkasakit.

Although kahit noong okay siya, I tried my best to spend time with him, mas madali kasing isantabi ang kahalagahan ng oras na ginugugol ko sa piling niya dahil lagi naman siyang nandiyan.

At least yun ang iniisip ko.

Pero when I was face-to-face with the reality na anytime pwede siyang mawala sa piling ko, it opened my mind to the truth na hindi dapat balewalain ang family.

Kahit pa imperfect minsan, sila din naman ang karamay ko.

The same holds true for Tita Ada.

I'm thankful na we are on the road to healing.

May mga disagreements pa din kami pero at least now, we see each other eye to eye.

Hindi katulad dati.

Daig pa ng Great Wall of China ang pagitan namin.

I pondered the future.

Questions like ano nga ba ang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko lalo na at nakatikim ako ng rejection not only from my fans but also from people who I thought would stand by side when I needed them the most?

Meron pa ba akong alam gawin bukod sa pagtugtog?

Paano ko palalawakin ang sarili ko kung sakaling tuluyan ng pumanaw ang kinang ng aking kasikatan?

Ano ang gusto kong mangyari sa relasyon namin ni Jade?

Kung sakaling hindi talaga kami tanggapin ni Mr. Tanchingco, handa ba kaming tanggapin na may mga moments sa buhay ng family nila that we won't be a part of?

Paano kung maging reason ito ng aming hidwaan?

Paano kung maghiwalay kami?

Paano na nga ba kung wala na sa buhay ko ang babaeng hindi lang nagpasaya sa akin kundi pumukaw sa aking kamalayan lalo na pagdating sa pagmamahal ng wagas?

The last question was disturbing.

I couldn't imagine my life without Jade.

She is my world.

Kung mawawala siya, I see myself living a lifeless existence.

Kahit pa nawala sa akin ang popularity na inienjoy ko dati, okay lang yun.

I am still Althea.

But if Jade would leave, I'd be incomplete.

***

Nang matapos ang  kanta, nagpasakalye na si Marvin para i-introduce ang next song.

Pero hindi ako agad kumanta.

For effect, the lights dimmed pero the spotlight focused on me.

Nabuhay ang giant screen sa gitna ng stage and a video made by my fans came on.

Muted and sound dahil kakantahin ko ang audio for the video.

Vignettes ng mga past concerts ko ang clips nito and after the countdown, sinabayan ko na ng pagkanta.

Fight Song-Rachel Platten

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

***

The lyrics was the image for the header sa FB account na ginawa sa akin ni Batchi.

This was after I agreed sa suggestion ni Jade to upload the videos my father and I made habang kumakanta kami.

Anthemic ang kanta for me dahil I felt na unti-unting nabubuhay ang pag-asa sa puso ko.

Kahit pa merong kaba at pag-aalinlangan, wala na naman akong dapat ikatakot dahil what have I got to lose?

Sabi nga nila, I've hit rock bottom when it came to my career.

Ano pa ba ang mas lalalim doon?

Bottomless pit?

I was emboldened dahil I wasn't restricted by what the producers want.

It's me who has to decide on what I want to do with my life.

Sabi nga sa kanta--

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Sumasabay sa akin ang audience habang kumakanta ako.

Winawagaygay nila ang mga banners na dala and close to the end of the song, during the repeat of the chorus, I stopped singing.

I let them finish for me.

***

The monitor went black and the rousing applause of the crowd was

invigorating.

"This is it everyone," I said to all of them.

Nagpause ako saglit and waited for the applause to die down a bit.

"Gusto ko kayong pasalamatan sa pagdating ninyo ngayong gabi."

The camera zoomed in on the crowd at halo-halo ang reaksiyon nila.

May sumisigaw, pumapalakpak, pumapadyak, tumatalon, umiiyak.

Pinasalamatan ko ang aking pamilya sa patuloy na suporta at nagfocus ang camera kay Papa at Tita Ada who were smiling and waving at me.

Kitang-kita ko ang pride sa mukha nilang dalawa.

"Siyempre pa, hindi pwedeng hindi ko banggitin ang aking extended family—the Tanchingco's."

Lalong lumakas ang sigawan ng mga tao.

Kumaway din sila when I acknowledge their presence.

"Kung hindi niyo pa po alam," tinaas ko ang aking ring finger at lalong nagwala ang mga tao.

Akala ko, mai-eskandalo sila at ibo-boo ako sa stage pero surprisingly, iba ang reaksiyon nila.

They clapped at my announcement.

"Sabi nga ni Beyonce, put a ring on it." Natawa ang audience sa sinabi ko.

Nakatutok ang camera kay Jade at kumaway siya sa crowd.

May sumigaw na "We love you Jade" and she blew them a kiss.

Nagkunwaring nahimatay ang grupo ng babae at lalake at napangiti lang ako sa ginawa nila.

"To Mr. Jimenez, salamat po sa tiwalang binigay ninyo."

The camera zoomed in on Mr. Jimenez who waved and smiled at the crowd.

Standing ovation ang binigay sa kanya and my heart warmed to their response.

"We love you Mr. Jimenez!" sigaw naman ng grupo ng mga babae who seemed to be in their 50's.

Nginitian niya ang mga ito at nagmuwestra ang isa ng "call me" sign habang pinapakita ang phone number na nakasulat sa palad nito.

Nagtawanan ang mga tao at ganun din si Mr. Jimenez na kunwari ay napakamot sa ulo niya.

Bumalik na sa stage ang camera at nagsalita akong muli.

"This won't be the end."

"That I can promise." Kinindatan ko silang lahat at biglang namatay ang lahat ng ilaw sa arena.

Katahimikan ang bumalot sa paligid at nang marinig nila ang intro sa kanta, nabuhay muli ang crowd.

Flames appeared one after the other on the stage and I heard the audience gasped.

When the lights came back on, may mga fire dancers sa gilid ng stage who twirled the torches and breathe fire as I began to sing the last song.

My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light 'Em Up)- Fall Out Boy

B-B-B-Be careful making wishes in the dark, dark

Can't be sure when they've hit their mark

And besides in the mean, mean time

I'm just dreaming of tearing you apart

I'm in the de-details with the devil

So now the world can never get me on my level

I just gotta get you off the cage

I'm a young lover's rage

Gonna need a spark to ignite

My songs know what you did in the dark

So light 'em up, up, up

Light 'em up, up, up

Light 'em up, up, up

I'm on fire

Pagdating sa chorus, merong pyrotechnics.

Bumulusok ang fireworks sa stage at nagulat ang audience.

Sabay sa chorus ang galaw ng fireworks and from where I was standing, I could see sa monitors na ang effect nito ay parang nagliliyab ang stage.

Tama nga si Mr. Jimenez when he brought up the idea.

It came to him when he was looking at the setlist for the performance at sabi niya na since the last song had something to do with lighting something up, bakit hindi namin gawing grand exit by adding special effects.

I was skeptical in the beginning pero I trust his instinct.

"Don't worry,Althea." Sabi niya.

"It's going to be fun," kinindatan ako nito at kitang-kita ko ang excitement sa mata niya.

Tama nga siya.

Sa bawat tipa ng gitara ang dagundong ng drums, the song came alive.

As the song came closer to the end, I walked to the edge of the stage at patuloy ako sa pagkanta at pagtipa ng gitara.

I got lost in the song and the energy of the crowd that I didn't see Jade coming up on the stage.

I only noticed the crowd going wild and for a moment, I was disoriented.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around, surprised to see Jade, her smile wide, her joy all consuming.

Without warning, she kissed me right in front of the crowd as Manuel and the rest of the band kept playing.

The crowd roared and the spotlight focused on the two of us.

Her kiss lingered for a few seconds till the lights totally went out.

In the arena, with the flames dancing around us, love won the crowd.

The End