A/N: "We build too many walls and not enough bridges."-Isaac Newton

***

I must confess that I fell into depression when my father disowned me.

But instead of giving in to it, I overcompensated.

I pushed myself to go to work everyday, to do the best I can when I'm at rehearsals and to keep a straight face when others are around.

The smiles I showed when the cameras flashed, deceptively hid the pain in my heart.

Not only do I have the benefit of high technology but the expertise of photographers who have captured the faces and raw emotions of others before me.

Instead of being hindered by the sadness in my eyes, they utilized it as a tool to aroused varying degrees of feelings.

The overall result was a gazillion pictures of me taken in different angles with the best sorted out to be used for the promotional blitz for the upcoming show.

But when I'm at home, alone with Althea, that's the time I surrender to my true feelings of loneliness.

I shed the skin I used as an armor to protect my vulnerability and allowed myself to be exposed to the only person who understood how it felt to be alone in a crowd of thousands.

I would cry on her shoulders as she gently comforted me and repeatedly assured me that everything's going to be all right.

That I could cry as long as I want and she would always be beside me to hold my hand and dry my tears.

After a few months, I thought I was doing fine.

That was until my mother showed up one night, close to wrapping up the rehearsals.

She was with Gab and when I saw her, my knees buckled and I have to hold on to one of the chairs to prevent myself from falling.

My mother lost a lot of weight.

Her eyes reflected my own misery.

The first thing she said to me was she missed me and my heart gave out.

My eyes released a fresh wave of tears that I was helpless to fight.

The two of us sat in a corner to talk.

She asked me why I didn't make an effort to go back home.

"Did you want me to beg Dada to take me back?" I asked her and she nodded.

"You should've heard what he said to me and Althea, Ma." The tears trickled from my eyes and I wiped it away.

"He was disrespectful of our relationship and it hurt me to know that he could never accept me for who I am,"

My mother's lip quivered as she fought her own tears.

"Jade, try to understand."

"This wasn't easy for him......for us," she confessed.

"No parent would want his or her children to have a life like this,"

"This isn't how it's supposed to be."

"You were meant to be with a man not with a woman!" she reiterated and suddenly, I regretted having her here.

"Ma, this isn't a choice." I answered.

"Do you really think that if that was the case, I would choose to hurt you or anyone?"

"Would I choose to have a life in pain if I could choose to be happy?"

She didn't respond.

"Do you see what's happening Ma?"

"I am in pain because I followed my heart."

"You, of all people should know that because you went through the same thing when you married Dada."

My words touched a raw nerve.

She told us of their story and the sacrifices they went through before they were accepted back into the Tanchingco family.

I was the reason why my grandparents opened their hearts and their arms to us.

If it weren't for me, they would still be ostracized.

That's why it was hard for me to accept that just because I'm with a woman, they couldn't see that I was also fighting for love.

The same love my parents fought hard for during the early years of their marriage.

"Please Jade, I am the one begging you." My mother spoke.

"Just try to talk to your father and ask for his forgiveness."

I looked at my mother.

Despite my instincts telling me that this was a terrible idea, I relented.

I couldn't refuse the sadness I saw in her eyes.

I knew she was suffering like me.

I told myself that if I could spare one of us the pain, I am willing to swallow my pride to let my mother realized that I am not the petulant child they pictured me to be.

Before I left the studio to go back to the mansion, I called Althea.

She was at home making dinner and when I told her where I'm going, I sensed her worry.

"I'll be fine, love" I reassured her.

"What if he doesn't allow you to come back to me?" her voice broke and I imagined her face.

I sighed and promised her that if I had to escape again, I would.

"Mama promised that if I don't succeed, I am free to leave."

I told Althea I'll be back and before I hung up, I reminded her of my love.

***

The trip back to the mansion was unsettling.

I sat on the backseat with my mother and neither of us spoke on the way to the mansion.

Terrible thoughts overrun my mind and my heart felt like it would stop beating all of a sudden.

Despite the cold from the air conditioning, my palms were sweaty.

I rubbed them together to warm it and it caught my mother's attention.

"Breathe, Jade." She placed one hand on my knee.

"You are going to see your father not the grim reaper," she joked but at that moment, I would choose the latter over Dada.

I felt like I have a fighting chance with death than with the man who closed his heart and mind to me because I am a lesbian.

When I saw the familiar road that led to the mansion, I took a deep breath and reminded myself to take courage.

I imagined Althea and how she remained strong despite the loss of her career.

The thought that the chemo may not really help her father doesn't deter her from believing that it will.

When I stepped inside the house feeling defeated after a long day of pretending to be happy and strong, Althea never showed any sign of giving up.

It is her strength I hope would get me through this meeting with my father.

"We're here, Jade." I heard my mother say to me.

Her hand was on the door and as I stepped out of the car, I prayed for a miracle.

***

My father was in the living room reading the newspaper when we came in.

The initial shock of seeing me was quickly replaced by anger.

"What is she doing here, Amanda?" he turned to my mother who rushed to where he was.

"Oscar, please listen to Jade." She pleaded then looked at me.

My mother nodded to where I was standing close to the exit.

In my mind, if I need to escape, I may as well position myself where it would be easy to leave.

Gab was standing beside me and he was waiting for me to say something.

"Dada......." The words barely made it out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry," once it was spoken, I could never take it back.

My father remained silent.

With every second that he didn't respond, my confidence was wearing off.

I looked at Gab and he smiled at me, quietly telling me to have faith.

"Your sorry means nothing to me if you won't leave that woman and come back home!" he spat.

"Oscar...." it was my mother.

She touched his arm but he pushed her hand away.

"So what is it going to be Jade?" he dared.

"Are you going to choose that vile woman or your family?"

My nostrils flared and I felt the heat crawled from the back of my neck up to my face.

"That vile woman is the one I love Dada!" I said to him.

His cheeks reddened and he took a step to come closer.

Gab stood in front of me.

"Dada, please?!" my brother yelled.

"She came here to apologized,"

"Why do you have to forced her into doing something she doesn't want?" he asked and the slap that was supposed to be for me, landed on his face.

My mother ran towards my father and begged him to stopped hurting his children.

"Oscar, how are you going to bring us all together if you're driving your children away?"

My father was unaffected by her pleas.

"Jade made a choice, Amanda."

"If she can't leave that woman, then she is dead to me."

Afterwards, he turned his back on all of us and went upstairs.

My mother cried and Gab embraced her.

"I'm sorry, Ma." I hugged her too.

She shook her head and confirmed what I learned months ago.

"This is not about you anymore, Jade."

"It's about your father and his unwillingness to forgive."

The three of us embraced silently, lost in our own thoughts.

***

In all the days I've struggled to make sense of what happened to me since I met Althea, that moment at the mansion confirmed my greatest fear.

I am only as good to my father if I followed every word he said.

Once I made a mistake and disobeyed him, I am nothing to him.

I let myself in with my key to find Althea asleep on the couch.

A book, The Beatles Anthology, lay on her lap.

She didn't stir even as I sat on the wooden center table across from her.

"Althea?" I called her name softly and the sound of her voice roused her from slumber.

She slowly opened her eyes and the look on her face made must have reminded her of where I've been.

"I failed," was all I could muster to say.

Althea got up and pulled me close to her.

"We'll try again next time," she sleepily said to me.

I wondered if she understood what she said or if it was sleep talking.