TO MY DEAREST DARLING, LISETTE

There are certain moments in every persons life that defines who they are. 

Those moments are precious, special petals of memories. The one's that you're meant to remember forever. I myself had many of those special moments. Not all were terrible, and not all were amazing. I remember the first time I chopped off your hair with the pair of safety scissors from the kitchen drawer, and how royally screwed I was when mom saw you with a diagonal bob. I remember the first time mom and dad didn't show up to one of my recitals: The Nutcracker.  I remember my first kiss with the one and only golden boy of Elk Ridge, and the way it made me feel. But most importantly, I remember the first time I actually thought about killing myself.

Tell me, have you ever felt so miserable that you considered taking your own life, my darling Lisette?

Have you ever sat down and stared into space, wondering day in and day out what it would be like if you weren't here anymore? To wonder what was wrong with you for thinking those thoughts? To wonder time and time again what you did to ask for all the bad that has somehow managed to wiggle into your life? Because I have. I use to just in bed and think about it all; to contemplate and dream and wish that I was dead. Because if I was dead, I wouldn't feel how I felt anymore. I wouldn't be the thorn in everyone's side. The inconvenience. The one who always manages to royally fudge things up. 

And now I know you're sitting wherever you are thinking, what? You? But you're Azure! You're perfect!

I've got some major life shattering news for you, my dearest darling; I had faults. I wasn't perfect for a long shot. Not like you. I didn't have mom and dad's unconditional love and admiration. I didn't even have a moment of their time. Everything I had, I had to work for. My grades, my medals, my accomplishments; Hell, even five minutes of their precious time, I had to EARN. I had to work twice as hard just to be as good as you. It was almost as if, from the moment of birth, you were perfect. And what was I? I was the older sister who never stood a chance.

What's even worse is that I took the liberty of planning out my own funeral. Just to not inconvenience anyone for the last time. In my imagination there are hoards of white roses placed systematically around the room. It will be held at the church we use to go to growing up, right in the room where mass would be. Everyone will wear black to mourn me, and I will be on the high rise, sealed away from the world. Maybe our parents will cry my name. Maybe they'll place their hands on my coffin, wishing that they would have listened to me when they had the chance.

Azure. Azure.

But then again, who knows with mom and dad. I wish you knew how they could really be. Everything has always been 'maybe' when it comes to me and them. Maybe they'll make it to one of my recitals. Maybe they'll come to see what new dance I've been working on. Maybe they'll find the time for me after they finish with you.

Azure! Azure!

Maybe one day, when in bed with another woman, he will cry out my name in ecstasy. He will shake and quiver over the body of his new lover with the memory of me in his brain. He will remember the feel of my skin pressed against his, my nails raking down his back, my lips trailing down his neck. To remember what it felt like to belong to me. To remember what it felt like when I was his. And he will ache over the memory of me. 

Azure, Azure!

Maybe one night, my darling Lisette, you will wake up from a restless sleep. You will cry out my name in panic and will rush to my room, looking lost and afraid of what has happened and what's to come. You will prowl over to my bed, sink into the mattress that will still hold my scent, and you will cry. You will remember all the wrong that you've done to me.

Do you see  me now, mom? Dad?  Do you remember your daughter now? The daughter who was so easily forgotten. The one who always begged for you to notice, even till the very end? The one who needed you when it mattered most?

Do you feel it now, my love? That terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach? That piercing ache in your heart that wasn't there before? Do you feel the need for me now? Do you know now what it feels like, after all this time, to be the one to be needed?

Do you understand now, dear sister-of-mine? if only you knew how much I loved you. You were the one I counted on anything for. The one who I thought I would always turn to when I needed someone most. The one who was supposed to be there with me through it all. We were supposed to make it. It was supposed to be you and me. Do you see? Because I saw. I saw everything.

Sisterhood.

That should mean something to you, shouldn't it?

The parents who never cared enough. The lover who broke my heart. The sister who betrayed me. A wonderful, disastrous trifecta- don't you think, sister-of-mine? You have your very own staring role in my epic story. So please, sit back and relax. Kick your feet up on my headboard, and grab a nice frosty bottle of your favorite tonic water. Just for a little while, we can pretend together that everything is okay. 

And trust me, my darling Lisette, sometimes pretending you're okay is all you can do in life. 

Lots of love (even from above),

Azure.