Chapter 58

I saw him down. And that was everything.

Kiara

16th May 2019, Thursday
14:25

I climbed up the stairs, watching Ash come down the stairs. This year, the last year, both the times her birthday had been celebrated here. Last year, we had a small birthday party that had been thrown only because we had wanted to surprise her. She hadn't celebrated, we had brought her here. The smile on her face, the wide grin of a child who couldn't believe her eyes should have given more happiness than her argument with Shay that haf followed after thirty minutes. Now, all that made me feel pathetic.

A year later, in 2019, it changed. Her smile, her words, her argument, her surprise, her dress, it all changed. Ashiamma Apte - she did not change. She was the same little girl who used to sit with me in the bus. I had seen her happiness the first day we met. I had seen her ignorance the last day we hugged, but I had missed the sadness. She had held me in her arms right in front of this building and I had missed out how cold they had been, dead in a dress that never suited her mind.

She had called my name but it had sounded foreign. I had turned and wished her again before climbing on the scooter. She zipped her lips because I let her. She could have been alive if I had heard the things because then, it would be too late to cover up the truth.

I opened the door to the hall and stepped in. Right outside this door I had seen Ash and Shay fight. I turned to the central table. There she had been sitting like a queen, meeting my eyes through her glass. I traced the head of the chain. I had been here for more than one hour and she never told me once. My gaze went to the corner where I had stood, opposite to reality. I had lost my chance then.

A tear fell down. I pulled out the paper and placed it on the table. "This...this told me. Why couldn't you?" I wanted an answer. I wanted her to tell me why. Did she seriously think I would fight over this? She meant the world to me. And now she was dead.

I pulled out my phone and placed it on the table. Vee would know and he'd do something, I knew. This would end. The door opened and my sobs stopped. They went down my throat and my hands tightened around the chair.

"Kiara."

"She died because of me," I said and turned around. "I'm surprised you came."

"I would come any time you'd call."

I smiled. "Nolan, open your eyes wide, sweetheart." I stepped aside. His gaze fell on the paper, then back up on me, a placid expression on his face.

"Why?" I said and walked closer to him. "Why did you do it?"

"You don't underst–"

"Then, explain it to me." I grabbed the collar of his shirt. "Why?" He was still dressed up in the school uniform. I wanted to laugh and slap him hard.

"I saw you talking to Roy. I heard about Hardik." He calmly wrapped his hands around my wrists. "What did you tell him?"

I ignored his question. "Aren't you ashamed? You killed my best friend!"

He looked away. "Ashamed? I cannot look at myself. I can't look at my hands. I never wanted to hurt her. It was an accident. She said she'd tell you everything, how she likes me, how I've said no because of you. And we all know if she had asked you to step back, you would've. You would have never looked my way twice."

My hands left his collar and I staggered back in shock. "What?"

He looked away.

"Ash really did die because of me."

His head snapped up and his face fell into a helpless expression. "Kiara, Ashiamma was stupid. That was an accident."

"Like Hardik?" I stepped back. "Like Shay? Like Mehak? All this while you've been with me. You've seen me." I laughed. "You even lectured me. You murderer!" I raised a hand to hit him hard.

My hand collided with his cheek. I slapped him again. "You killed everything. You destroyed us."

He stepped back and grabbed my arms. "I didn't. You did it yourself, individually, everytime. Ashiamma never tried to reconcile with any one of you. You hid the truth from Vicky and you're telling me that I should've told you." I turned my head away. "She was just a friend to me. It was you, it has always been you. She needed a friend to talk to. I listened. I read all that she wrote and saw what she painted. You read her notes, you tell me, does she sound like someone in the right mind?"

"She wrote those letters before?" I asked, not believing him.

"She called them her rants."

"And you presented them as suicide notes."

"Them? Just the first one. She typed the second one in the computer at the café and I did not even read all of it. That was a coincidence– Roy discovering it."

I struggled against his grip.

"Kiara." His fingers tightened. I continued to pull away. "Kiara, listen to me. She had already burnt herself way before. She was done for. Do you want to know why she wore a white dress?"

I stopped struggling. I did not have to ask. I knew it. "White is your favourite colour."

He nodded.

My arms felt limp. How did I not see this? I shut my eyes as I imagined Ash standing here staring right past me. At him. He kept his distance for a reason. The tears that I had swallowed resurfaced.

"I told her no. She made a mistake and I was ready to forget it but she wouldn't let it go. It scared me, okay? I went to her house after the party was over. She kept on saying she'd tell you. I told her it was okay. She wouldn't stop. She said you'd understand."

"I would have," I said.

"I know. I know that, Kiara. And your friendship would've caused both of us a broken heart."

"Do you think I care about you more than her?" I snapped at him.

He looked shocked. "Of course you don't. I really was a fool. All you've ever seen it Ash. I always thought you see things as white and black. I thought you weren't a grey shades person and that was okay; but scary. Had I known it wasn't about complete lies and complete truth but insecurities, I would have been more cautious."

Anger coursed through my body, mostly because he was right. I could feel my pulse on my neck. "I wouldn't have pushed you away. We could've come to some understanding."

"Like she came with me? Kiara, please look at it from my perspective."

"How did you make it look like it was her fault? Did she overdose? Did she got her head?" I asked. "Were you there while she died? Please tell me you didn't leave her alone."

"She tried to get her phone back from me to call you. She had taken those stupid pills and her head had an injury from a fight with Shay."

"What?" Did she fight with Shay? When?

"When I met her, she told me Shay came to talk to her. They ended up fighting and she hit her head."

"What happened after she took her phone?"

"She didn't. I pushed her away. She slipped and hit her head on the bathtub."

"How could it be an overdose then?"

"I have no idea, I swear. When she fell, I–I ran away."

"You ran away. You didn't even call for help, you fucking piece of shit." I was scathing.

I picked up the torn portrait and shoved it in his face. "This is one of her best pieces. This–the drawing of an ungrateful, lying scoundrel."

"Kiara–"

"How much of it was a lie?"

"None." His face turned to that of desperation. "None, Kiara. I did tell you that she would have wanted you to forgive her."

"Is that what she said to you?" I asked.

He shook his head and brought out a keychain out of his pocket. It had a 5 carved on it. My eyes widened. Ash never told anyone what that meant, not even Vee. Here he held something that was never supposed to be his. I realized I had mentioned to him about the whole thing.

"I asked her what it meant," he said. "I knew back at the NGO that I couldn't just pretend like nothing ever happened. You loved her."

I shook my head. "I still do." There was a vase on the table. I picked it up and swung my arm. It took him by surprise and hit him in the chest. He stumbled back.

I hated myself for crying over him. I hated that I flinched and looked away when I hit him. I shut my eyes and saw him smiling at me, helping me to the hospital when my back hurt, making a face at me in the balcony of the Auditorium. I hated him.

"Stop," he said and grabbed my hand. I didn't lose the vase and tried to hit him again. He shoved me hard.

I shouldn't have underestimated him. I could feel what Hardik must have felt. The air was blown out of my chest as the edge of the table hit my forehead.

"Shit, Kiara."

"Don't touch me," I snapped at him. "Leave."

His face changed to a pained expression, like the one he had in the hospital when I asked him to leave. I touched my forehead and hissed when the wound pained. My fingers were covered in blood, and for once it was mine.

"Kiara, please."

"Leave, Nolan. I've told Roy what you did." I watched his face turn pale as I lied. "He knows about Hardik. Vee doesn't, lucky for you." I sat up straight on the floor and stared up at him. "Leave. If you truly care about me, as you say, leave me at peace."

He moved a foot back, then another, his eyes on me. Slowly, he turned his head, opened the door and left.

15:00

The door clicked and my eyes opened. I was sitting far away from the door, at the corner where Nolan had been standing that night, looking over at us. I had been crazy enough to think he had his eyes on me.

"Kiara," Roy called.

"Is everyone fine?" I asked.

"They're all wake, all three of them."

I thought of Vee. He would be fine now. Everything would be fine. A cold breeze blew in through the window and I shut my eyes, feeling it on my face.

"All this time, I thought there could be no one better than Ash. I forgot the best people are those who never show." I opened my eyes and stared down, at the concrete ground that went down, down, all the way to hell. All the way to us.

He understood what I meant. He always did. That was Vee for me. I blinked. Down he stood, where I should be.