Chapter 50

If I rot, you'll have to bear the smell of my flesh; the feel of my ripped skin tightened around my bones that'll match yours. If I rot, I'll still manage to merge with you.

Nolan

15th May 2019, Wednesday
20:00

He fell. He fell.

"No, you did it." I could hear my own voice. It was like I had stuck in time. Through the mirror, I saw my face, angry, scared, ready to pounce and he said only one thing over and over again. You did it. Look what I have to do now.

"Nolan."

I could hear her but I couldn't see her. I tried to look over my own shoulder, his shoulder. Where was she?

"Nolan." Cold air hit my face.

I turned back to reality as Kiara leaned over and opened the door of my side. Her hands weren't red anymore but that was all I could see. Red. Dark red, sometimes brown. I glanced at my own hands. They looked clean and I almost laughed. They were always clean. Yet somehow, I knew Mehak was still alive and Hardik, if he was as lucky as Shay, then yes. I would not count on that. It was the second floor.

Kiara got out of the car and Max stared at me through the rear view mirror. I stepped out as well, walking to the door. I was surprised at our reflexes. We had got out of the house. She had pulled me away from the room. I had pushed us towards my car and far from the scene. I did not dare to look back, directly going to Max. He asked nothing and I was thankful. So very thankful.

"I'm sorry," Kiara said, entering my home. I called Dad just to check if he was here. He wasn't.

"Wash your hands," I said and pointed at the kitchen. "And give me your handkerchief."

She pulled the bloody cloth out. I took it from her, tore it into shreds, then threw it in the dustbin and covered it with my own clean handkerchief. I sighed. It was done. We were both done for. Ruined. The tap turned off and I lifted my head.

"Did you fight with her over what Vicky told you about Hardik?" I asked.

She stopped and shook her head. Only now that we were far away from there did she allow her eyes to speak. They watered a little but she shook her head again and the tears had been pushed back. I beckoned her to sit on the couch. She did. Pushing her hair aside, I inspected her neck. He had left some gruesome imprints.

"It doesn't hurt." Her voice sounded raspy. "I'm fine. At least I'm fine physically."

11th April 2019, Thursday
19:00

I stepped away from the noise for a moment and devoured the silence engulfing me. In a public toilet, it smelled humid and heavy, with a touch of over applied common deodorant. But at times, our mind desired things that simply stripped our heart of the things it loved to cherish. I wouldn't find that here, so the silence was golden. My eyelids drooped and I felt as if I'd sleep, but I only shut my eyes to stop thinking. The door outside banged and I opened my eyes to look at what had happened.

Mehak stood with her back, talking to Ashiamma who held a phone and looked as uninterested as Mehak.

"Why do it? He's not going to pick up," Ashiamma said.

"You don't really care much. I'm actually curious to know when one of you two will call it off because you're not interested."

She scowled. "Why are you concerned? I'm not going to waste my day on any drama." The scowl fell back and she smiled at Mehak. Mehak, on the other hand, didn't look half as cheerful as her.

Kiara stepped out of the hall and frowned at the two. "Am I missing on something?"

"We're coming, we're coming," Ashiamma said.

As the three walked back, my heart skipped a beat when Kiara glanced back. It skipped another beat when I felt, no, I knew I had been seen. Or maybe, I had been forced to show.

15th May 2019, Wednesday
20:10

"What will we do?" Kiara asked.

I imagined the police showing up at my house, finding the blood filled cloth and pushing me into their car. I'd be eighteen soon and a harsh punishment was obvious. My body shuttered just from the thought. The vibrations went through my thigh and I realized it was my phone.

"Nolan, where are you? Where's Kiara? Are you both safe?" Pankaj asked. "Vicky is freaking out. He's asking for her. Is she fine? And you?"

"Yes, yes we're fine." He exhaled in relief. I glanced at Kiara. "She's with me at my place. She wasn't feeling well, so we left. I'm sorry I didn't inform you. It just– we were in a hurry."

"It's fine. At least you're safe. Something happened at the house. I don't know but Mehak's badly injured and Hardik–"

My heart was in my mouth and I could taste the blood on my tongue, sharp and piercing, cold and sweet. "What about him?"

"He's bad, really bad. There's police in my house and everything was a rush. My phone's at home too. Mummy and Papa were still outside. They rushed home immediately after finding out."

I removed the phone and stared at the caller ID. I hadn't even noticed that I was picking up an anonymous number.

"Could you come over?"

"Me?" I stared at the table in surprise.

"Yes, and if Kiara's with you, see to it–" he paused. "–oh nevermind, she's fine, right? It's okay. You guys stay safe."

"What is it? Did they find out?" Kiara asked as soon as he cut the call.

I shook my head. "He was simply confirming if we were safe. Vicky was panicking over you."

Her eyes widened. I said nothing, feeling exhausted. I wanted to laugh. Exhausted. What had I exactly done to get tired?

The landline rang and I nudged Kiara to take it as it was on her side. She blinked and turned to pick it up. "Hello?"

I shut my eyes and sank into the couch.

"Hello? Who is it?"

Two, I counted.

"Miss Adams."

My eyes shot open. I snatched the phone from her and heard Mum say, "Yes, who are you?"

My ears suddenly grew hot and slammed the phone back. Kiara jumped in surprise and stared at me.

"You should go," I said curtly.

She opened her mouth.

I raised my voice. "Kiara, go. I need time to think. I just pushed a guy who tried to attack you because you pushed his crush."

Maybe, it was my cold stare or the force in my voice but it did the work. She got up. "I'm sorry."

"I know."

Max walked in. "Your father's coming."

I nodded. "Take her home."

"It's fine," she said. I almost expected her to say she'd walk. "I'll call a cab."

When she stepped out of the door, I stared at Max. "Mum called."

He shrugged. "But that's not it."

I looked away. "I always mess up things. I keep on seeing it all. I could've saved her. I wanted to but I did not, Max. I gave up. I chose the easy way."

"Easy way is harder than not trying."

I sat down again. The rattling of the keys as Max walked up to me echoed in my ears. He sat next to me and ruffled my hair. "It's okay, Nolan. You tried to talk to her."

I glanced at him. "She wasn't ready to talk."

"At least you tried. You left because you were pushed. I know if you had known, you would've stayed by her side."

I looked away. Winters had never played in my favour. But the problem was, it wasn't winter, at least not in the end.

Cold December of 2016

I sat on the porch and rubbed my arms. The thin fabric of my jacket hardly provided any cover. Dad hadn't returned from Sainsbury's. The door clicked and I winced.

"Hey, Nolan," the man said, walking out.

I nodded. Mum stepped out as well and waved at him as he rode off. She turned to me with a frown once he was out of sight. "What's wrong with you?"

"You were supposed to pick me up from my evening classes, Mum," I said, following her inside.

"I forgot."

"And I had to walk a mile."

She raised her eyes and looked at me. "You look pretty fine to me. Look at the brighter side, you got to exercise." She patted my cheek and began to walk to her room. "If it snows tomorrow, clear the driveway. I have to get the car repaired."

I opened the fridge and pulled out a tray of ice cubes that could help me with my torn toes. I lowered my gaze and grimaced at the movement of my feet. Sharp pain coursed through me. The door opened and I smelled fish in Dad's hand. I also did not miss Mum's sigh.

15th May 2019, Wednesday
23:00

I sat on the floor, the cold bars of the police station haunting me. Through them, I could see clearly as Hardik stood next to a police officer and pointed at me. "He did it. It was all him."

"I didn't," I said.

"You did it," she said, "all of this is because of you."

I tried to get up but I slipped on my own blood that oozed out of my toes along with pus and dirt. Their voices blended with the background and I heard the man's voice as he laughed at a joke while both Dad and I sat with grim faces.

"You'll rot," I heard her say right in front of my face. "He'll tell everyone."

My eyes dropped and I thought of the first time I had seen him with Mum. She wasn't planning on telling us, I knew. I had snarled at her, you'll rot. She had smiled and shaken her head.

I lifted my eyes. "I won't."

I could hear his heartbeat reducing, vanishing to zero. My own breathing became erratic. I pulled my arms closer to myself.

The door opened. The chain of my thoughts broke. I raised my head and stared at Max.

"I've talked with Mr. Adams about the call."

"And?" I prompted.

"Sleep."

When the door shut, I wondered if Max would pick up the trace of mud on my shoes or my erratic heartbeat. I had had the run of my life. For my life.