Chapter 45

It's easier to hate yourself when you do someone wrong but it is difficult to stop the blurry image of the world when someone else accuses you, says it out loud that you caused somebody's fall.

Vee

7th March 2019, Thursday
8:45

I stared at the empty desk that was supposed to hold an aquarium, a wish expressed by Mehak that I found through Hardik. I didn't pay it much attention. You simply did not go around chewing people's words like they held some kind of elixir, or in this case, poison. No, you simply listened to your friends.

I leaned against the wall and thanked Mehak's parents for never letting her have an aquarium, for I feared I might have broken it right now. I wanted to break something in this very house, right now. So I made my way outside after giving the gardener a tight smile, who for some reason stood inside and was an awful reminder of Raj.

Over my shoulder, I could imagine both of them talking to Ashiamma like everything was okay. Like they were not just cheating her. My fists clenched. I heard their steps and faced them.

"How is she?"

"Awful," said Hardik.

"Her usual self," muttered Mehak.

"Of course, her usual self," I said, walking up to her. "What do you really know about her usual self? I'd love to know because I haven't been paying attention to her." She simply stared at me. "Have you been?" When Hardik opened his mouth, I raised a finger. "Don't answer that."

I was afraid. My mind had still been numb when I had walked away from Kiara and her petty excuse. The numbness had subsided, replaced by spontaneous bombarding of each brain cell when I had seen these two together, him explaining her how he wanted to but couldn't and her standing there with a grim look that manifested into a smirk when she saw me, called me names and only when I dragged Hardik away had she come back to her senses.

I was afraid that Hardik would cut this thing here and Ashiamma would sprint back to Rishab.

"Are you not going to tell her?" Mehak asked.

"No," I snapped. "Aren't you just excited to get rid of her? What do you plan on doing? Replacing her?"

"This is rubbish," Hardik said in a calm tone. "All of this is rubbish. Replace? They aren't even in the same position. Mehak never made any such demand."

Yes, I forgot. He was being forced into this.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I said. "You could've said something before." Because I remembered him saying he'd do it because Ashiamma wasn't bad. No one did public service if they needed money for their private life.

"I am sick of lying and pretence," Mehak spoke. "She doesn't pay him attention. He doesn't care enough for her. Why do they have to do this? This isn't about me, Vicky. I don't care about us. Honestly, it is all your fault. We're barely seventeen. Seventeen! People in their twenties can't handle a relationship, here we are playing games."

She meant me. I was playing games. And I fucking hated her for telling the truth.

"We don't even understand our own minds, how is anyone supposed to handle a relationship? Is this some kind of a joke?" She turned to Hardik. "I'm more disappointed in you than him. Actually, it's not even Ashiamma's fault. It's all yours, Vicky. And Hardik thought, how nice it would be if I joined him to create a mess of a person. Remember this, if that girl falls apart, you're the one person who can never be called innocent."

I took a step back and smiled at her. "Nice speech. Why don't you try to talk her out of this?"

Her face stayed the same passive look it always held during arguments. It further infuriated me because it suddenly struck me as Shay's. This is how I had imagined her to react but she had smiled and walked away. I turned on heels and began to walk away.

Hardik called my name but I didn't stop. I could manage myself. Walking home would not be that hard compared to Ashiamma who went to school to do God knows what, then stumbled upon Mehak in the auditorium. She was considerably lucky that she did not run into Kiara, or her mind boggling logics.

I shut my eyes and cursed this month. I was supposed to enjoy my vacation but the image of an intoxicated friend and a dead man blurred in my mind and somehow morphed into one. I hated myself from this moment, couldn't save a dying man and a falling girl. Couldn't do shit.