Chapter 44

Let's pretend the carrot is rotten because I can't bring myself to believe the fact that I lost to you. I did not lose. I just gave it to you. Either this or let's pretend.

Ash

6th March 2019, Wednesday
16:30

I stared at his coat that I had fallen in love with. He pushed against the ground and swung lightly, turning to me and assessing me with those big beautiful eyes. I did not look away. I couldn't. He was beautiful. But I wasn't. I was so ugly that I couldn't even look at myself. A failure, an addict, a loser, a cheater...that was me. And I wasn't even ashamed of myself. It hurt when Rishab ignored my presence, knowing he was right. It hurt when Shay walked around as if she needed no one. It hurt to push Vicky away but I had to. I was that sick. If I did not have to push anyone away, it was him.

"Nikhil," I rolled the name on my tongue. "It works."

He smiled and shrugged. "If it helps."

He had absolutely no idea. "You're not upset? Like, why are you not preaching me that I should be independent and move on from Rishab?"

"Because it is your choice. You are choosing to let him overshadow you. Everything we do is our choice. But that isn't why you're in a park in this weather."

"I think I failed the finals."

"Finals of eleventh, not life, Ashiamma. Life always offers scope for improvement."

"Did it offer you?"

I gauged his expression, a tinge of sadness that espoused hope and gratification. He adjusted himself on the weak wooden swing and grabbed the iron chains. "I grabbed it."

But you still sometimes regret it, I wanted to point. "I was supposed to be in the school today with Kiara and participate but I have got too many ego issues, apparently."

"Did she say that?"

I squirmed in my seat. "She just gave a sad look but my art teacher said that. I don't know. It felt like the right thing. They threw me out. I switched on them. Doesn't that make us fair?" It was a rhetorical question. Even if he did answer, he'd say something like It's not about being fair. It could never be about that.

"What do you want to do now?" he asked.

"Break into the school and see who they replaced me with this time."

His mouth fell open and he broke into fits of laughter. Not awkward, haha, please say you're kidding laughter but full blown, genuine laugh.

"I'm serious."

"No," he said, wiping away his smile. "You're filled with desire to extract revenge without taking a risk like saying no again."

I narrowed my eyes. "I think breaking into the school is more risky."

"How will you do it, then?" The tilt in his head and his tone made him sound genuinely curious.

"Don't ask. We both know what can be the consequences. Let's us hope they stick to me." I did not want him to come along with me, not when they all were going to be there. "How'll you go back?"

He stared behind me. "I'll call someone. Are you sure, Ashiamma?"

He would not leave like this. So, I lied. "You know what, I'm not going. Geez, it just popped in my mind but now sounds dumb to me."

His phone began to ring and he pulled it out. I watched him stare at the screen and waited to pick it up. He clenched his jaw, his eyes glaring at the screen.

"Is everything fine?"

That seemed to pick him out of his state of mind and he nodded, rejecting the call. "I'll just go, then. You should go back too." He looked up at the sky. "This isn't getting any better."

As I stared at him, I realized he meant more than just the weather. A person with his own demons and still he sat here with me. Finally there was someone appreciating me. As I took a step ahead, the bottle in my pocket moved. I stopped.

"Ashiamma, are you not coming?"

"I'm coming, coming." As I followed him, I tensed, watching through the bushes at the known face.

"Ashiamma," he called again.

No, no, no, no. This can't happen. My jaw clenched.

"Ash-"

"He's here," I whispered. "Instagram handle: karan1208." I turned. "He was my classmate back in fifth standard. Annoying handsome geek. He was a nice friend, as friendly as someone with blind ego can be."

"Is he a problem?"

I scoffed. You had no idea.

17:00

I stood in front of the school, my hands trembling. Why was I even here? My head spun a little and suddenly I felt light headed. His face flashed in front of my eyes and I shook it away. He wasn't here. He wasn't obliged to me. I was not either. I took a step towards the open gates, now used to my wobbly legs. I stayed in my room, locked up and found myself staring at my paintings, my hardwork decorating these school walls and I got absolutely nothing out of it. I just lost more. His words were still in my ears.

"Why don't you tell Rishab everything? That way, he'll try not to hurt you. He was just taking Shay's side."

I couldn't simply ask Rishab to not show me his face because he usually hung around Sameer when he came home. As far as taking Shay's side went, we both knew I was wrong. He was too modest to say that.

When I stepped inside the quiet school, I first noticed the register and Vicky's name on it. He had signed. It meant he was gone. There still were a few vehicles here. Inside the reception, I saw few students of some other school walking out. Embarrassment washed over me. What was I doing here, with my half asleep mind? I was intoxicated and entering my school without permission. Mummy wasn't home and that was my opportunity, I had thought. I caught myself staring into the offices inside the reception. There lay a medal that could have been mine. It should have been mine. I looked around. There was no one and it wouldn't hurt to take a look, a glance at what was supposed to be mine.

My eyes watered from shining gold on the medal even when I knew it wasn't real, just another simple commodity painted as if it was worth millions. Oddly, they did not have to paint it to make its value known to those who deserved it.

The door creaked open as I entered into the office. I wasn't sure but it might be Nidhi Ma'am's. The photograph on the wall told me it was hers. My feet slipped and I landed face first on the floor, my hand sticky and a scream escaped my mouth at the sight. Blood. It was everywhere, my right hand, the marble floor, the man. The air that usually held a tinge of prestige that our school so lovingly carried was thick and sharp. It was almost like the sharpness of the air caused the wound. I was lucky enough to not get anything on my clothes but that seemed the last thing to worry about, especially when I heard a deep breath. My head snapped up. His chest heaved up, slow movement but hopeful enough. I scrambled on my feet.

"Ki-" The back door opened and a very shocked, Nidhi Ma'am stood in front of me. "Ashiamma."

"He needs help," I said.

I saw her eyes widen.

"Oh my God, Ashiamma. What have you done?"

My mouth hung open. "I? I just came-"

"Okay, okay. We need to get him out of here."

I blinked again when my eyes could not comprehend the sudden blurry face anymore. I held on the table to stop myself from falling.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded. "Just get someone."

When the door shut back and sunlight ceased to enter the room, I turned on my feet to get out of here, still feeling dizzy. My hand went for the door handle but I felt cold metal between my blood stained fingers. I stared at it, hypnotized by the shape and the look. Then, I saw Shay. I saw myself wearing another one like this. It should have been you. It was always you. The metal slipped out of my grasp.

"I won," he said.

I smiled at him. "Isn't that great? I'll go around, flaunting that I'm friends with you."

He snickered but covered his face quickly.

"What?" I asked. "Karan, what?"

He gave a lopsided smile and walked to his seat. Weirdo. I stuck out my tongue at his back. Turning back in my chair, I waited for the teacher to announce the winners of SpellBee. Would it not be great to get heavy words correct? I remembered Ma'am challenging us all, saying we were kids. We won't be anymore. Then, I'd show the certificate to Kiara too.

I had stared at the certificate which had come with a medal, how nice. How nice of the teacher to give it to Mr. All Rounder. How freaking nice. Stupid me who couldn't see I had been played as a puppet all the time.

"Help," I said. "Karan, the-they tore my work and-"

"I know."

It hurt like a bitch when friends backstabbed. And that was exactly what I did but I wanted to do it with him.

7th March 2019, Thursday
8:45

The metal. That awful thing buried beneath the crust ruled our heads, unlike the living could ever. The curves on the dusty mineral were the last things I felt before I threw it away. It wasn't worth anything. But inside, I knew I was not worth many things. The metal was just a pawn for an excuse. I squeezed my eyes and the light hitting my head refused to go away. Something shuffled and I shot up straight, immediately regretting the action of the sudden disorientation it brought.

"Shit." I groaned and tried to stay still so that I would not fall back. The mattress crumbled under the pressure of my fingers. "Cut the light."

The door shut. I, soon, found myself regaining awareness of my surroundings. When my eyes opened, I first saw the books that reminded me of my exams and I turned my head away in distaste.

"Ash, are you okay?"

I nodded. "Why am I here, Mehak?"

My stomach growled and I clutched it, almost in pain due to the empty stomach. My eyes traced my fingers and I saw blood on them, streams of blood running down my fingers but never meeting, all falling into my lap but not one stained it.

"You fell, I think. I found you passed out in the parking lot of school. You woke up for a minute, walked with me to my scooter and again fainted. I brought you home. And I also called your parents to tell them you're with me. Did you break into the school?"

I raised my head and said nothing. Her eyes were laced with concern and eyebrows rested in their usual straight position. I tried to stop thinking for at least a second but my mind refused to comply.

"What happened, Ash? Why did you suddenly faint?"

I had no answer. I just did and I had absolutely no idea why. Maybe, I was refusing to acknowledge certain facts.

The door opened and Hardik barged in, pausing at my sight. "Are you okay?"

Mehak said, "Yes."

I was confused. Was the question directed at me or her?

"She's a little shaken," she said.

Was I? I was a crazy girl with memory loss and shaky hands. Hardik turned to Mehak and she greeted him with a look that made me wince; gritted teeth, bored expression and clenched fists. He stepped out and shut the door. Mehak turned to me.

"Look, Ash. Get fresh, call your parents and think."

I did not even know there was an entire tray. The curves on gold replaced the blood on my fingers and I laughed. They must be rich, people of Dandelion Presidency. And lucky to have someone give those metals to other than just me. Damn lucky people. But I couldn't care more, because now that the gold had washed away blood, it was being washed away from a pen that felt nice around my fingers, like it was made for me to grip. And do things.

My head snapped up. Shit, shit. What have I done?

My head rung with Nidhi Ma'am's words. Did I do it? Did it hurt the man under influence?

*****
Medal or metal, I learnt the difference fast.