Chapter 4

It doesn't matter what you meant. It doesn't matter if blood is colourless. In the end, she bled.

Kiara

23th April 2019, Tuesday
13:40

The shoes in my feet must have been replaced by roller skates because I could hardly walk up the stairs. Somehow I had managed to drag my limp body from the ground, disappointment running through my veins. Roy wanted to see me. After last time, I ended up staying in my room for two days. I had pushed Papa away and kept a wary watch on Mum whenever she approached me holding his white coat.

Roy had pulled me out of my happy bubble too fast. I could not even enjoy the good time I was having, no matter how little it was. Nolan had been smiling at me one moment and next I was summoned. It just made me realize what things could have been had Ash been here. I sucked in a breath. Maybe she was here. I glanced up at the notice board where her painting was pinned.

"Are you alright?" Roy asked.

I blinked at her smudged signature and turned to face him. His hand was wrapped around the door handle, a sign that he wanted to get done with this just as fast as I wanted to escape. When I didn't answer him, he pushed the door open, silently asking me if I was ready. I nodded.

"I'm sorry to bother you in the school," he said just as I sat down on the chair.

The bright coloured chart behind him caught my eye, its vibrant words describing why school counsellors existed. "Not many people have understood the purpose of this room," I said. Even if they understood, they never bothered using it.

Roy followed my gaze and turned back to me, his face set in the same manner it had been before. "How are you?"

I wanted to laugh. Is this why he came all the way here?

"Fine," I answered. "Ready to answer your questions. But I'd be more comfortable if you sat down."

His mouth rose in a small smile.

He pushed his hands out of his pockets and sat opposite to me, trying his best to hide the relief on his face. I bothered looking out of the window to see Nolan with the rest of his classmates. A defeated sigh escaped my lips and my concentration fell back on this police inspector. The Counsellor's office was a secluded place, in a sense that it was small, situated in a corner with one window giving a view of the outside world and the school ground.

"I thought you would be more comfortable here," Roy said. "The reception isn't a great place to talk when parents and teachers come and go."

I shrugged. I had been to the reception quite often. Nidhi Ma'am's office was right there. It reminded me of the stunt she had pulled today and suddenly I was thankful Roy thought so. I needed to keep my distance from her for some time.

"How long have you known Ashiamma?"

"Since my third grade," I replied and thought back to when we used to share the same bus and had fights over the window seat. I would rarely sit there and she would think that maybe I was being generous to her. I wasn't. I simply could not tolerate hot wind on my face.

"That makes you the friend to know her the most." He glanced at his phone, probably going through the information.

"Does time define strength of a friendship?" I asked.

His silence was the answer. That decided my fate.

Maybe, maybe not. If I was the 'closest' friend and still did not see this coming, I thought about the friend who would be the farthest. Weren't we all close friends and strange acquaintances at the same time? It all depended on the situation. Ash and I rarely talked about paintings, that was Vee's territory but we talked about us, school and other things. It did not include her death on her birthday.

"What do you think of this?" he asked.

"Of her death or of the circumstances?" I asked.

He chewed on his lip and tapped on the table. "We do not have much information about the circumstances." Was that a hint of embarrassment in his voice?

I looked away. "It's okay. It's not like she penned a letter or something."

Her death. I looked at my hands placed on my thighs, their constant twitching and I sneered. "It was her birthday. She was supposed to celebrate and come to me in school and tell me just how awful my gift was." I met his gaze. "It was a book, a guide to Italian language. There was another gift too. She wanted to develop hobbies other than painting. She wanted to do something. She had so many plans and...and they're all gone." All the decisions, all the hopes, all evaporated. Poof.

Roy stayed quiet for about a minute, my loud breaths the only sound in the room. I was surprised my quivering voice had not given him anxiety.

"Was your last conversation about the gift?" he asked.

I shook my head. "She didn't talk much, just smiles and dances and balloons." I placed my hands on the table. "But there was something. She wanted to talk about something. I don't know what. After we cut the cake, she pulled me aside. But then, Mum came over and I went home."

Roy frowned and placed his phone aside. My gaze shifted briefly when the small microphone icon blinked.

"Mum and Papa are particular about my outside activity after seven. They always emphasize on coming home by maximum nine so that I can go to bed by eleven. That night, I resisted at first but then I realized why I had to be home. Papa has these uneven shifts at the hospital. We barely get a chance to dine together and as fate would have it, he was free that night. I was not missing a family dinner for a party that has been going since four hours, a regular teen birthday party."

He raised an eyebrow. "Did you not want to listen to her?"

Was it bad that I did not feel guilty for saying no? "It was a dinner with my father. I rarely see him. Maybe a hurried bye in the morning, but that's it." I shifted in my seat, scratching my collar. "I did not know this would ha-" My eyes widened at the possibility of her unspoken words having a connection to her death.

"It is not what you think," Roy murmured. "Or at least I don't believe in what you're considering right now."

"That her words could have something to do with her death?"

He nodded. "She–" He hesitated a little. "Someone mentioned that she wanted to apologize to you. Did she apologize? If not, then possibly that was it. That was why she wanted to talk to you."

To apologize? "I'm sorry but I think I didn't hear you."

"She was sorry, Kiara."

I frowned.

"Kiara." He looked sorry. "She-"

"Stop. Just stop. It's fine, alright? I–I need to–" I did not dare to look him in the eye and continued to shuffle through my book.

Everytime I looked at my own father, I imagined him standing next to Ash's family and telling them she was gone. Everytime my reaction was the same. Things around me would break into pieces after that, like the penguin mug. As I eyed Roy's phone. I pushed my chair back to avoid any disaster from happening.

"Kiar-"

"She was sorry for dying?" My voice didn't sound like my own. It sounded like her clipped tone when she mocked someone. Who was I mocking? Myself?

"There was practically nothing she could be sorry for."

Roy shrugged. "I'm sure you know that better than me but things aren't that clear. I've been told that Ash was doing okay. The only thing bothering her was concerned with you."

My eyebrows rose. Somebody. "I saw you in the morning talking to Vee. Why did you not talk to me then?"

"Because I did not come to talk to anyone, just to the school authorities. I met him on the way. Vicky, right?" His eyes narrowed at my nickname for Vicky.

I nodded. "Did he say so?" I looked at Roy but hoped he would not answer that. We were friends. Was he going to scoop down this low? Hide stuff about Ash from me? Why now, all of the sudden? Roy did not answer me, staring at his phone.

"Did Ash have any tussles or enemies?" The way his face twisted at the word 'enemies', I knew he did not consider teenagers having enemies. But there was a fine line between haters and enemies.

I rubbed my fingers and shook my head. "She rarely talked to other people. There were the members of her art club and just us who she talked to. Her communication to teachers was also limited." I never understood why. There were only a few black spots in our faculty.

"Look, Roy," I rubbed my forehead, "there's– this is hard for me. It's so frustrating to see people move on and mention her as if she wasn't just found in a pool of her own blood."

And the problem was that I didn't even want people to take her name. They were making her just like everyone else. She was different. She was my only friend, first friend.

"She talked to no one else. No broken friendships or–" He said, his jaw clenched.

"Shay," I mumbled as soon as he mentioned broken friendships. "Do you know Sheereen? She was Ash's second best friend, first being me. They kind of fell apart later and it was bad."

"How bad?"

A sick feeling made its home in my stomach at his tone. Everyone wanted to know that now. "Few days back, when I last saw Shay, she had been crying in the washroom. It was awful."

"And you didn't feel the need to tell anyone?"

I frowned. "No. Everyone was crying about Ash. And I thought-" Shay's loud sobs had added chaos to the mess of that day. They messed my mind. "I thought she blamed herself."

He didn't utter a word.

"No one talks about it now. People enjoyed it while it lasted but they pretend like they are ashamed for adding fuel to the fire." I scowled at those lips that refused to stop a year back. Only passing time and new gossip sealed the sinners' mouths.

20th April 2018, Friday
15:15

I was never taking any additional language course for the next month, especially when it did not count in the overall aggregate. My body rocked back and forth in the chair as I tried to figure what I had done wrong. The computer gave me a B when I had all answers correct. It was not a software glitch which further dampened my mood. I had not been 'regular' apparently in attending the classes. If four days in a week was not considered good enough, then I was happy with a B.

"I'm changing my course next month. Volunteer programmes seem a better option," I said to Ash as she settled in the chair next to me and opened her bag. We were staying back at school to complete our works and submit them today itself. I was done, she wasn't.

"Or maybe you could help me with the portraits," she murmured, eyes glued to her book. "I didn't do anything."

I laughed. "Me? No, thank you. Shay is a better option. Plus, her portraits gained more popularity than mine."

"Who cares about popularity? I do what I enjoy doing."

For a moment, my heart sank. She did what she enjoyed doing. I shook the thought away. "That means you enjoy working with her, doesn't it?"

Ash said nothing, which was strange.

"Or do you miss me and want me back?" I nudged her shoulder with a grin.

"I don't want to be associated with her," she said, dropping her pen away. She picked up her pencil and scribbled on Shay's face. I leaned over to see. Traitor, she had written.

"Ash, what happened?" I asked. This was a rare scene. She never destroyed her own works, no matter what people said. Even if she didn't like it, she liked to keep them as a reminder of her mistakes.

"I don't even know," she said.

"Are you crying?" I was hesitant to ask.

She shook her head. "Sometimes, I'm glad you don't do social media."

"I did tell you it was nice without it." My eyes widened. "Did she post anything?"

She was furiously tapping on her phone.

I gasped. "Wait, did you bring your phone to school?" I dragged the word 'school' because I was baffled.

"See." She pushed the phone into my hand. I cautiously took it, glancing around the room to see if anyone was around. There were a few students but they were minding their business. No teacher was here to hunt us down. I looked up at the ceiling. Three cameras.

I grabbed Ash's hand and took her to a corner, using her as a shield while I scrolled through the phone. "Is it bad?" I asked, in case I needed to brace myself.

"You judge," she said with a shrug.

It had to be pretty bad. I lowered my gaze back to the screen.

Mirror mirror on the wall,
who's the smartest of them all?

I don't know who's the smartass
but dear little Ash
has some dirt in that pretty head. ;)

I grunted at the petty diss. "That doesn't even rhyme well," I said after glancing at Ash who had a forlorn look.

"Does it matter?" she said.

I gave her a flat look. "It is badly written, admit that. I'm not surprised it has only a few likes. Many people must have ignored her if not snickered at her attempt."

"Check her profile."

I did.

"What?" I asked after finding nothing useful.

"The story," she said. "Check her story."

I clicked on it.

"I'm embarrassed," Shay said, her camera directed at a drawing which I could tell was not Ash's.

I cringed and lowered the volume. She was loud.

"I am so embarrassed. I should be flattered, right? I'm not. This–whatever, whoever she is, creeps me out."

It was a portrait of a naked girl whose facial features resembled Shay.

My jaw clenched.

"I didn't do it," Ash muttered.

I scowled. "Of course you did not. That's not even your signature. You don't even curve A like that."

She said nothing.

"What is she doing?" I said. "When was this posted?" I checked the time below her username. "An hour ago. If that is taken down, people won't see."

"Damage has been done, Kiara."

"No." I flashed my eyes at her. "Are you seriously saying that?"

"I called her. She's not picking. It was an hour ago and she has 700 followers. I have 560 and around 50 see my stories in less than an hour." She looked like she would cry. "Kiara, what is going to happen now?"

"She is going to take that down. That will happen, nothing else."

23th April 2019, Tuesday
13:57

"Lord, help me," Roy mumbled.

I said nothing. It had happened a year ago and still felt so raw, like a guava that seemed okay from the outside but its seeds fed the worms inside, worms that would turn against her, feed on her rotten body and leave.

"Did she take it down?" he asked.

I nodded. "I had threatened her with the school's name. I was sure the authorities would not appreciate Shay dissing their best painter. She did not take me - her junior - that seriously until the next day. I don't know what changed her mind but the next day it was gone. I don't know when she took it but it was finally gone."

"You people are kids, barely 16-17 and look at the things you do." The guy was freaking out.

I gave him a blank look.

"How did Ashiamma react afterwards?"

I half-shrugged, not keen to discuss this any further. "She didn't talk to anyone for a few days. Then one day, she showed up at my house and we worked on her projects. I never mentioned Shay again."

Roy nodded. "And in the school? How did she react when she saw her?"

That was a difficult question. Difficult because I had been afraid that the worms would keep coming, more and more until they hadn't spit out every eaten, twisted part of me.

"I was not in their batch. I'm a junior by one year." That was a reminder to myself than to him. "I do not know much and if something happened, Ash managed to hide it."

"I'll let that piece of information assimilate before going any further into this case." He rubbed his nose and blinked rapidly. "Anything else? Or don't answer it, please."

I only nodded. That was my cue to leave.

"Kiara." I paused. "Do you know why Shay was crying?"

I shook my head. "I told you before. I think she was guilty about saying that stuff. But I still don't understand why she said it in the first place."

"Only two people can answer that. One is dead and the other one is in hospital."

I glanced at him. The way he announced Ash dead should have made me angry but it didn't. I rather thought of what I just narrated to him. Everything has its repercussions, the hideous consequences I was foolish enough to not consider.

I asked, "Will you question her when she wakes up?" If she wakes up.

"I don't know. I didn't plan originally but now I think I will, yes. I'm surprised her parents knew nothing about this....this bullying." He looked away from the window and at me. "Did you tell the school authorities?"

I was guilty in ways he would never understand. I shook my head. "She kept her end of the deal, I kept my end."

He sat back straight and I prepared myself for the next question, for I knew that face, that simple, calm posture that I saw in all adults everytime they had to question me about something.

"What do you think? Was it an accident or suicide? Or worse, what if someone wanted her to die?"

I gulped. "Yo-you mean a murder?"

He shrugged, his face set in an indifferent expression.

"It was a white frock. Her beautiful white birthday dress." Ash's eerie smile that night was hauntingly beautiful. "She didn't let it get dirty."

Her parents even dressed her in another white dress when she died. Its glow had burnt in my eyes when they had put her on fire.

I cleared my throat. "Murder, suicide, accident, whatever it is, she's dead because of someone. Aren't we all criminals then?"

I was more ashamed than angry.

14:15

I waited at the front school gates. My bus had already gone. The reflection of the building of the school burnt in my eyes through the stagnant water. I averted my gaze and saw him stepping out of the gates.

"Vee!" I shouted.

He stopped in his tracks and turned. "Junior, you're alive?"

'Yes, we saw each other last week. You were too busy hating yourself.' I shook my head. Two could play a game.

"What are you doing?" I said, taunting his dry expression with my own.

He simply stared back.

"Vee-"

"Change your voice to a deeper note and people will worry about your vocal chords more than my drinking problems."

"Vic-"

He took a step forward. "Leave me the hell alone."

I pushed him back. "No, I asked you to leave me alone months back. Did you? Also, what the hell did you say to Roy? Ash wanted to apologize to me. If there's any truth in your statement, why did you not tell me? Is drinking messing with your head along with your accent?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about," he said, looking everywhere but at me.

"I saw you, Vee. In the morning when Roy came to school, he met you–"

"First, stop spying on people. Second, I do not care about sorrys. She is gone."

I grabbed his hand but he twisted his wrist and pushed me. My untied shoelaces entangled and I fell.

"Leave me alone," he said and walked away.

My eyes watered as I stared at his retreating figure. Anger boiled in me.

"Are you okay?"

My heart skipped a beat and I found myself staring at Nolan. My eyes widened. Things either got worse or better. I did not bet on the latter.