Chapter 36

Hold me. Keep on holding me so that I can fall hard and still not get hurt.

Kiara

11th May 2019, Saturday
8:00

The printer rolled out a blank paper. I checked it again and pushed another sheet below. Blank again.

"Mum," I called. "Why is the printer not working?" The machine buzzed and stilled. "Great."

The flip flops hit against the floor and she stared at me with a tired look, a potato in my one hand and knife in another. I pointed at the printer. She walked over to me and examined it. When I tried to pull away the knife, she shot me a sharp look.

"Cyber café is two minutes away. Go and get it done from there," she said. "What were you doing, anyway?"

I snorted just thinking. "Work."

Nidhi Ma'am's work. The lady had the audacity to call and ask me to get a few pages printed. Tushar is down with fever, she had said early in the morning through my phone when I doubted anyone except the birds was up. I thought about asking if he had fever or was simply sick of her, like me. I had told her this would be the last time she'd take my help. She had asked for the pen drive. I had lied that I'd given it back to Sameer.

I picked up a note of hundred rupees and kissed Mum on the cheek. It was only when I stepped out of the house, I allowed my shoulders to slouch. Wednesday's conversation was still running wild in my mind. I skipped school on Thursday but attended on Friday. I had to admit it was quiet on the whole, especially with Shay walking around like a ghost. A glance at her face gave me tremors. I kept thinking about those mud covered shoes and her reluctance to speak. Then, I saw the paintings. They had been changed. I knew by just noticing the slight change in their positions. It was then, I knew, that she had called it all over. It did not matter who lied and played games. It was over.

I wanted to tell that to Nolan. I wanted to smile and say that maybe, just maybe, we'd move on, thinking Ash died in an accident. I nodded. It was an accident. The suicide note made no sense, not with us trying to move on.

"Good Morning, Kiara," the shopkeeper smiled.

I nodded. "Uncle, how are you?"

"As good as this heat can allow me to be. What can I get you?"

"I needed to take printouts of a document. My printer broke. Today's supposed to be a holiday and here I am being forced to do work for a teacher."

When he turned to get sheets, I noticed the thickness in the air. There was barely anyone which was weird because the place flooded on holidays. His shoulders were also tensed and his fingers shook slightly.

"Uncle, are you fine?" I asked.

He smiled at me, setting up my phone with the computer. "Yes, yes. Why did this teacher give you work on a holiday? Some project?"

I laughed. "Hardly. It's just her work I'm doing. She's the activity incharge and even when I left, I'm doing her work."

"You left the whole Samaritan thing?" I jumped at the voice.

"Roy? What are you doing here?"

He wore his uniform and looked a little older in it. A stubble covered his face and I realized it had been quite some time we had met. A lot of time. But I wasn't happy to see him in person, especially since he decided to ignore my take on Shay's adventures.

"If you're no more a Samaritan, why are you still doing her work?" he asked again.

I snorted. "Because I'm a nice, helpful kid."

Someone called him at the back of the café. I was relieved to say the least. Roy whispered something to the other officer and pointed at the xerox machine. I turned my back and tried to ignore the conversation. For all I knew, they could be here because the xerox machine failed at the police station. My papers began to come out of the printer. I played with my fingers, waiting to get away from this.

"You're done," Uncle said and gave back my phone.

I hurriedly grabbed the sheets, being told to slow down because the ink wasn't dry yet. I mumbled a thank you, placed the money there and searched for a stapler.

"Just thirty rupees," he said and gave a change.

I put it back in my pocket and looked through the papers, putting them in sequence. I felt someone walk behind me but kept my eyes trained on the paper.

Five. God, I love five.

My eyes widened and I placed the papers back.

"Are you not going to take it from me?" I mumbled.

Roy said, "Are you not going to read it?"

I shut my eyes and shook my head. She had written another note, or letter, or whatever it was. My hands reached for it but I kept my eyes trained on Five. I did not want to look at it.

"We found an hour ago. Someone used the computer and found the note last night. It was late and we were called in the morning. I had to talk to her parents first. They had no knowledge of the note. Her mother told me she often visited cafés to get the xeroxes and prints for the school work. The owner said she used to come here often and always used that computer at the end. She used to come with someone else. He does not know who, says he did not manage back then."

"He was down with Hepatitis for a month," I said. A month. It took her just a month to do this. Another month for us to try to move on.

I handed over the page to him and walked out of the door, keeping my distance from that paper.

"What is it with five?" Roy asked.

My head throbbed but I continued to write, cursing Ash and her stupid anger. Her senseless idea to storm in my house, pick up my assignment and throw it in my flush not only had clogged the pipeline but had led to me staying back to complete the assignment.

"Are you crazy?" I had said.

"I called you and you didn't answer. That happened when? Five days ago. Since then, you didn't call me."

Was she blind? Did she not see the pile of notebooks on my table? "I was busy."

As I jotted down the words, I felt her walk into the library. "Hey."

I kept my head down.

"Ki-Kiara, I'm sorry." Her breath fanned my shoulder.

I dropped the pen and turned around. Her red, sunken eyes gave her away. She turned around, facing away from me.

"You're doing it again," I said.

"She always counted till five when there was a problem or something," I said.

"Or something?" Roy asked.

Vee and I stared at each other and failed to notice her fall, not until we turned our heads and saw her smile.

"We don't know all the things, do we?" I did not want him to answer.

11:00

I tried to suppress the sickness until I was sure Mum had gone out. Then, I left my room and decided to take a stroll in the garden. Grandma was resting in her room, door closed. As soon as the heat hit my face, I winced. Right there, in the garden, a feet away from the plant of Aloe Vera, my body gave up. The breakfast which had tasted good in the morning smelled awful. I doubled over, feeling lightheaded. The reflexes of nausea continued. I tried to press the food back, my breathing uneven. My eyelids drooped and my nostrils burnt. Tears pricked my skin. I tried to take deep breaths but it further agitated the sensitive stomach.

Ash.

I blinked through my tears. Ash stood here in front of my house after causing us all this trouble, leaving behind nothing but words. Fucking words. And she had a audacity to come here. Then, as if she was just a picture, a mere figment of smoke, she vanished. Everything else began to vanish too. I stared at the grass, then my shoes. Gone.

"Kiara." A hand caught my body. "Kiara, hey. Hey. Shit. Kiara, stay awake."

I tried to peer at the gate. She was there. She was there laughing at us all, mocking us. She was there begging for forgiveness.

"Ash." I tried to get up.

I found myself ruining a white shirt. A hand wiped my mouth while the other caressed my hair.

"It's okay. It's okay. Relax. You're choking yourself."

"Nolan," I managed to say.

"Yes?"

"She really did it," I said.

"Stop, okay? Pl-"

I hid my face into his shirt and sniffed. "Roy found another note."

He stiffened.

"In-in a ca-" I stepped back and covered my face as I felt the unsettling chills again.

"Kiara, you need to sit and please, for God's sake, stop thinking." He grabbed my elbow and steadied me.

I turned in a corner and let my body take the lead. He stood behind me, patiently waiting. Once I felt a little better, I tried to get back inside.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled as I stepped aside to let him in. My gaze fell on his shirt.

He followed my gaze. "It's fine."

"Would you like water or something else?"

He gave me a flat look. "Why don't you sit down while I bring you water?"

I fell down on a sofa and nodded, pointing at the kitchen. He went in and about a minute later, appeared. To his surprise, I used the water to clean my face.

"I'll just go to my room. You can come there or stay here. Whatever you're comfortable with," I said.

The way he eyed the sofa, I thought he'd stay but he nodded towards the stairs. I shrugged and began to climb up to my room. My legs wobbled and he steadied me. Then, I realized he chose to come with me because I was sick. Sick.

"Somehow, you're always there to steady me," I said. And he was. When I had fallen, he had been there. When Vee had pushed me, he had been there. When Nidhi Ma'am had refused to acknowledge Ash as the winner, he had come out to check on me. How many times had he been there when I did not notice?

"Somehow, I'm always everywhere," he muttered.

I looked at him with confusion but he pursed his lips. Inside my room, I handed him a spare cloth to clean his shirt while I brushed my teeth and stared at my reflection. The bathroom window overlooked the street. I drew the curtains and refused to look out, at the image of Ash my mind couldn't stop forming. When I stepped out, his shirt was the same mess.

"I'm an awful person," I said.

He gulped as I took the spare cloth back from him. When I turned, he grabbed my chin. "Please don't panic or go into shock." He placed his hand on my head. "You're burning."

"Nolan?" Why was he here?

"Shay tried to commit suicide."

My eyes widened.

"And I was there when it happened."

I gripped his hand to steady my spinning head.

"The police found a blank paper at the site. They think there's more. And there is. It refers to you."

I met his eyes which instead of cold were sad.

"I have that paper. Here, read it."

I took it from him.

'I'm sorry if my friendship ever hurt you, Kiara but I was just a shadow. All I wanted was a chance that both of you stole from me. All I wanted was a friend but I let him go too because Ash needed him. She needed a sane true friend by her side. I wish I could tell him but I can't ruin the image of a dead girl who I once swore to love.'

"What did you do, Kiara?" Nolan asked softly.

"How is she?" I finally managed to ask.

"Bad. I don't know much. I went in the morning. It happened around seven when you were trying to call. Vicky wa-"

"Please don't tell me you told him. He'll be devastated." He'd be broken.

"He found out himself. He's doing fine. I think it's because she's alive. Kiara, I saw her. She told me you don't deserve me. She said none of you three deserve Vicky." He didn't have to specify who three.

He pushed me slightly. "Sit." I didn't move. "Kiara."

"Is she fine? Are you sure she's fine?"

He nodded and led me to the bed. I sat on the edge while he sat in front of me on the stool.

"I asked her if she met Ash on her birthday," I said. "I also tried to break their friendship a year ago."

He leaned back and sighed.

"I was desperate, Nolan. I was desperate to make her see me again. She kept on taking Shay's name like a prayer, everyday, every night, all the time. And the saddest part was that I realized later, she might not have considered Shay as strong of a friend I was thinking. Shay was just a thing. On Ash's birthday, they fought and I made her an offer."

By the end of the day, I had actually considered giving Shay a chance to participate. Her ideas were amazing. But I had also known she would win. I had thought maybe, maybe Ash could take loss for once. Vee would talk to her. But then, Shay had broken her part of the deal. She never waited for an interview and went online to lie. Or tell the truth. It depended on how one looked at it.

"How did Shay find you were lying?" Nolan asked once I told him everything.

"She didn't. Ash fought with her after she filled the form I gave her. Then, she posted online. Shay still believed there would be an interview. I told her the deal was off. She cried. Rishab had to tell the truth then. She was livid, screaming at us and then she showed me the actual sketch, the one Ash threw at her face. It was a very rough draft."

"I improvised," she grinned at me. "If there's no deal, then get the hell out of my house."

"Jesus Christ. That girl was always innocent." That was Nolan's way looking at it.

I hated her. I hated how she somehow was right. I hated how my plan never worked. I never got what I wanted because Ash never had what I tried to snatch. I hated how they did not break apart the way I wanted. I hated her because I realized how shallow I was.

But I also hated her because Ash continued to cry. I thought Rishab broke up because he was guilty. Sameer's involvement came as a relief but at the same time, it proved, Shay played no role. She was innocent, once again.

"And you played with her life," Nolan said.

"I did," I said. I also played with Vee, ignoring the effects all this had on him.

"Kiara-"

"I called you today to tell about the paintin-"

"To tell me how you stole them from my house and put in Shay's?" he asked. "Vicky told me."

I sniffed. "Nolan, I did not have any plans. I swear I went there to show them to her. What I had was nothing compared to what she stole and restored with copies. I just went there to confront her." Or maybe I went there to show her the power I held. Now as I stared at his face, I felt powerless.

"How did Vicky know?"

I did not know if I should be afraid of his calmness or thankful. "He came. He just came with her. But I handled everything. I lied that Ash left them at the NGO."

"Why did you lie?"

"Because I saw him, Nolan. I saw how tired he is. He begged Shay to make up with me." He decided to look over what I had done.

"I never understand that guy," Nolan mumbled.

"Nor do I. Say something, Nolan. Yell at me or get upset and leave."

"I want to. I so want to." His eyes lifted up. "Maybe it's the fact that she's alive that I've calmed down a bit. But in the morning, I was freaking out. She jumped. With a smile."

"You blame me." As those words fell out of my mouth, I felt myself crack into pieces.

"I don't know, Kiara. You started all this with Shay because of Ashiamma; but was she worth it?"

I laughed. "You know, she had been visiting this cyber café that's just around the corner for her 'assignments', according to her parents." I looked out of the window. "I did her assignments' printing and copying and..."

"Was she worth it?" Nolan said.

As much as it broke my heart, I knew I didn't want to hear my answer.