Chapter 31

I only saw you, not the paintings or the reasons and logics. Just you, because that is all I'm ready to acknowledge and accept.

Vee

10th May 2019, Friday
21:58

I avoided school. It rarely happened but this week, I had missed at least three days. When I got to school yesterday, Nolan's car pulled up at the same time. The scratch on my forehead throbbed in reminder. I walked back to my car and came home. Not warehouse but home. I kept my distance from Ashiamma. I had to. That way forgiving Shay would be easier. I shook my head. I was no one to forgive her, simply forget what she did.

Papa cleared his throat and I motioned him to come in.

"Penny for your thoughts," he said and made myself comfortable on my chair.

I sat up on the bed and examined him, whatever he was letting me examine. "No bottles tonight?"

"We both know how that ended up. Are you fine? You did not attend school."

I laughed. So this was about school again. Grades, school, staying sober.

"Vicky, I mean you. How are you? You rarely miss school. It is your only escape from me and these walls." He gestured around my room.

I stared at his concerned eyes. "Do you believe them? The rumours say I drink in school as well." I knew he got every report about how I was doing. That happened when you were friends with the Vice-Principal.

A corner of his mouth lifted. "My son is not a pansy who'll hide in the washroom to take a swig. If you drank in school, you'd do it openly in the class, not in a place that stinks of piss."

"A simple 'no' would have answered my question," I replied, not having the energy to put up with him at the moment.

Start with your father. This was what I tried to achieve - starting.

"What did I say that night?" I asked. He looked taken aback. When no answer came, I continued, "I remember you vaguely asking me if I was sure. What did I say which you did not believe?"

"Why are you asking me this now?"

I shrugged. "Because it just came to my mind." Along with Ashiamma's white dress. Just her dress, nothing else, not even her. Just a white dress that she had shown me before her birthday, on the day when I had told her I would not be coming. That was the last time I saw her, or so I liked to tell myself. In reality, I saw her everyday.

Last night, I had slept early and ended up watching her. She had danced around the hall, like I imagined her to be dancing on her birthday. She had called me before the party and described how she wanted it to go.

"You're not coming?"

"No."

"That's a shame. You're missing fun." Translated to I am missing you.

I realized then who she had become - a girl desperate to put the pieces she had thrown together. She did not even know how many pieces there were.

The glint of her sandals made me squint my eyes last night. She had never been a huge fan of white dresses, especially with lacy edges. They come off after one wash, she had said. When she danced in my dreams in the empty hall, her sandals hurting my ears and eyes, she grinned at me.

"They come off after one wash," she had said, twirling around. "But, guess what?"

She had stumbled in that glittery footwear and I had grabbed her. Her hands had wrapped around my shirt and she had grinned at me. I could not help but smile back as I had pushed her hair aside. God, that smile. That smile was the one she gave me when she won something. That was her genuine self.

"I will not have to wash the dress, not if I wear it only once," she had said.

I had found myself saying, "Will you throw it?"

"Not it," she said. "But me."

I had wanted her to simply say it, say it and get done. Rather, she had said, "Will you help me? You'll have to help me."

Her grin had transformed to a frown when I had not replied. Quivering lips let out a wail. I had tried to steady her as she had poured out inaudible words. My hand, around her head and she had wrapped her arms around me, begging for help. Then, I had felt it, blood on my hand. I had touched her scalp again.

"The water is dry," she had said. "It peels off my head like paint from the walls. I want to remove it completely. Get rid of it."

So I had tried. I had tried to scrape it, scared it would hurt her. She had not even moved, sobbing quietly into my shirt. My nails had worked fast. Blood had dripped off my hand, dry. I had lowered my eyes just as a clump had fallen on her sandals.

"It comes off," she had whispered and took a step back. "You stopped and it came off."

I had blinked and met her eyes. Her head, a horrifying mess of blood and clot. She had touched her hair and pulled at them. "They should have come off."

She had giggled and spun around. The lace on the edges had burst into flames, smoke rising from her ends and she had continued dancing and humming around the hall. Her hand had beckoned me to join. I had taken a step, then another but had stopped when she had come to me. She had smiled just as her tears had touched her lips.

"Help."

"You said something about Kiara."

I snapped up my head and raised an eyebrow at Papa. "What?"

"You asked me what you said that night. You were drunk off your ass but you kept on mumbling. Initially, I brushed it off. It could be about Ashiamma or Sheereen but you kept taking Kiara's name. When I listened closely, I think-" He emphasized on think. "-you said something like Kiara needs help, she can't see things straight."

"What things?" I asked, hoping I had not said more.

He shrugged.

"Papa, are you ly-"

"No. I asked you what it was. You pushed me away."

I remembered that, the bump I gave him on the head when I had pushed him out of the room. I had apologized the next day but learnt my lesson. If I drank, I needed to stay alone.

"What was it?" he asked.

I waved my hand. "Doesn't matter. She seems fine now."

My phone beeped. I picked it up as an excuse to avoid talking to him.

'I did what I did because Kiara needs to pay back,' Shay had messaged.

"Is everything okay?" Papa asked.

I nodded and rang her number. "Can we talk later?"

He gave me a pointed look. "Tomorrow." When I assured him with another nod, he said, "When she comes again tonight, walk around a bit. It may help."

I smirked. "No drinks?"

He shut the door.

The ring kept on going. I cut the call and read the text again. I typed back, 'And I? Am I supposed to pay you back too?'

A moment later, I added, 'Not being rude. Genuine question.'

'No,' came her reply.

I sighed in relief. 'You know what I'm supposed to be? A good friend. Your good friend.'

She never bothered replying.

22:58

I couldn't sleep, and it was not Ashiamma's fault. I had checked my phone to see if she replied. She hadn't. After fifteen minutes of tossing and turning, I rang her again. She picked up. If my heartbeat was fast before in the fear that she might not pick up, it just got faster.

"Hey," I whispered.

She said nothing but I could hear a long sigh.

"Shay?"

She hummed.

"Am I disturbing you?" My eyes widened at the realization. "I'm sorry for calling you this late."

She said nothing. I almost thought she had cut the call but I heard another sharp intake of air.

"No, I was awake. Couldn't sleep."

I let out a shaky laugh. "Me too. I'm sorry," I said, determined to tell her everything. I just didn't know what was 'everything'. "I'm sorry for making a choice that wasn't mine to make. This may seem repetitive but hear me out. When I found out, my first instinct was to call Ashiamma. She had been gushing to tell you about the prize she won."

"You won," she mumbled.

"Huh?"

"You both won the prize, not just her." Her voice sounded cold, robotic.

I laughed to tear down the bad feeling settling in my gut. "I told her it was okay. So I'd say what I wanted to say then. Despite you pushing me away, I knew you didn't do it. You had to do it. Don't tell me why, not unless you want to. If you want to, say it. Stop worrying if it would hurt me."

She stayed quiet.

I stared at that one bead that had fallen out of her necklace. "I lied to you that day. Ashiamma never had your necklace. It had been with me all this time. I never had the courage to touch it until I apologized for my behaviour. I never apologized but at least I am trying to start again. That day, I just had it with me. It broke once and–" I twisted the tale a bit to avoid Kiara's topic. "–it was repaired again because Ashiamma could not part with it. Then, she called you and said to me 'I don't want it anymore'. I should've asked her why.

"You know, I drank myself to sleep when I found about your accident. I sat in my room, threatening you, thinking you cannot die. Not yet. Not without hearing me out. I'll change that threat a bit, you cannot die at all. I don't give you permission. I need you just as much as I needed Ash. When I took you to infirmary, I told myself it was because I had to prove you I wasn't flinching. In reality, I did that because I couldn't simply leave, knowing you would not go there. I picked up your form through the pile of the applicants for Vice-President because I knew that this President of the Club of the Doomed needed you there.

"God, Shay, do you ever realize how much I missed you? At times, I thought screw, Ash. I'll talk to Shay but I knew you'd slap me if I came to you, leaving her behind."

She laughed and I smiled at the sound.

"I really didn't want to let you take the necklace. But I knew it would compliment your wrist more than my cupboard, just like it did when I first saw you. You were so quiet, so silent that I would not have known you were there if it wasn't for the beads falling in front of me. How many times did we bang our heads trying to collect them together?"

"I really sucked at them, didn't I?"

I shook my head. "No, you suck at identifying just how talented you are. You suck at demanding appreciation. Those necklaces and wristbands were the icing on the cake, cake being you, of course."

I wasn't sure but I heard her mutter, "Sour, days old cake."

"I don't have a sweet tooth," I replied. "You're wonderful and I need you to know that. I also want you to know that I want to alter what we have become. I want to be your friend. I want you next to me, even if you don't want to start again with Kiara. You both can keep on ignoring each other but I can't. I cannot give up on you, Shay. I just can't."

"What about this evening?"

"I am surprised you have so many magazines. The school must be drifting in bliss. They just don't know that a student brought them and not some outsider," I joked.

"Vicky," she said seriously.

"Okay, okay but I seriously have no thoughts. I knew before that you weren't Kiara's greatest fan. I also know she's not entirely innocent."

"Neither I am."

"I don't care," I emphasized. "I just want you-"

I could swear I heard her whimper before she cut the call.