Chapter 29

His tears were her armor, and it didn't burn me like it did a year ago.

Kiara

8th May 2019, Wednesday
15:30

The gates opened and Shay's mother smiled at me.

"Good Afternoon," I said.

She nodded and stepped aside. "You're Kiara, aren't you? I think I remember seeing your face in the magazine. Come in, come in."

I looked at the bag in my hand that could have used a little help and stepped in. "I just needed to see Shay. Papa told me she fell. Is she fine?"

"She's good. The girl doesn't care for herself at all." She gestures at me to sit on the sofa. I did. "What would you like to have?"

I smiled politely and shook my head. "Nothing. I just wanted to talk to Shay. Is she home?"

She shook her head. "She'll be back soon. She went to the chemist to get her meds. Sometimes, she's so stubborn about doing everything herself. I think it's her way of coping up." The last line felt more like a mumble than an address to me.

"She's resilient," I added. "Strong minded."

Her mother smiled. My eyes widened and I got up when her eyes began to well.

"Sit down, sit down. Please sit down." She wiped her eyes with another smile. "It's just...it's hard to see my girl like that. One day she's fine, the next day she wants to leave the school. God, I curse that awful day. She came home crying. 'Mumma, I want to leave. I want to go somewhere else. Let's go to Chandigarh to naani or somewhere else, Mumma. But not here.' I told her to calm down. By the time I brought her water, she was booking tickets. Then, the accident. I thought I'd lose her but I'm so grateful to your father.

"You're the only person who visited her. Ashiamma used to come too but Shay said they were no more friends. She rarely went out until now, rarely talked. She stopped painting too, said it reminded her of Ashiamma."

"How did she react to Ash's death?" I asked hesitantly. Then, I stopped. Why was I even concerned?

"Oh, that sad day. She wasn't home. She was angry that everyone got invited except her. I told her it was okay. Friendships are not measured by invitations and gifts. If you ask me, it was partially her fault too. I don't know what happened between them but she could've tried to mend their bond. She returned pretty late, around 11:30pm. Her hair was a mess and there was a bite mark on her arm. You see, streets aren't safe for anyone at night, let alone children. She said it was just the dogs and she was in the park."

I shifted uncomfortably. "Was she? I mean, was she in the park only?"

She shrugged. "I guess so. Her shoes had mud on them. Please don't mention this to her. You seem like her good friend."

The weight of the pen drive in my pocket suddenly increased by kilos. I vaguely remembered the park I saw on my way here, green all the way with a concrete track around it, a fountain in the centre. It was a pretty park, no mud. My stomach growled and I felt nauseated.

"When will Shay come?" I asked, wanting to get done with this.

"She must be around the corner. Why don't you go and wait in her room? I'll bring juice for you."

I shook my head. "Please, don't. I don't want to stress you. I'll just wait upstairs." Or I could leave her a note. "Which way is it?"

She pointed above my head. "That's the one. The door is already open. Are you sure you don't need anything?"

I nodded. Maybe a bucket to throw up into but nothing else.

She went to the kitchen and I went up to the room. I couldn't help but imagine Ash waltzing in here, climbing the stairs with a canvas in hand. Her phone would ring. My name on the screen wouldn't bother her much and she'd think I will handle her later. Sometimes, the phone will get picked only to say Sorry Kiara, I'm at Shay's. We'll talk later. I'm really sorry. And the line would go dead before her apology would even be finished. My fingers trailed the railings and finally wrapped themselves around the door knob as I pushed the door further.

The curtains were pulled back but still there was no clarity. I removed my specs and rubbed my eyes, turning on the light. A shudder ran down my spine. This wasn't me, standing in strangers' rooms and looking around their belongings. At the same time, I couldn't think but feel this was an opportunity. A black coloured board under the bed caught my eye. I placed the bag aside and bent down.

"What the..." These were Ash's paintings. I pulled the box out and stared at the paintings. Shay had to be kidding me. Here I thought I had them but the girl literally played with me. My gaze travelled back and forth and I rubbed my head. The bag barely had any paintings. All the effort I took to bring them from under Nolan's nose felt worthless now. I was relieved needless to say. I didn't have to do anything but show Vee these paintings. But I paused, wondering what dear Shay planned to do with them. Maybe I'd just wait and watch. Leaving the paintings there, I got up to leave the room.

Shay's voice rang through the house. "I'll see," she said and climbed up the stairs.

"Shay."

My eyes widened at that name. Shay paused and looked at Vee with the same expression as mine.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

He took a step ahead. "You forgot your prescription and the meds there. I called you on the street. Did you not hear me?"

Shay shook her head.

I walked back inside, my heart a hammering mess, my breaths short. He wasn't supposed to be here. Panic rose in the form of bile and I had a sudden urge to spit. I could hear both of them coming upstairs. Confusion clouded my mind. Didn't her mother tell her I was here? I looked at their approaching figure and the paintings. Vee was smiling at her while she stared at the door. She knew. She knew I was here. I panicked when their footsteps grew louder, Vee's gait surprisingly matching her.

"Think about it," Vee said just outside the room. "Look Shay, what happened between Kiara and me is between us. I don't want to pick one. I did with Ashiamma and I regret that. Honestly, let's just get over it, all of us. Ashiamma is dead. Your grudges, I can guess, may have built up because of what happened between both of you. If Ashiamma was here, she would have wanted both of you next to her. I want both of you next to me. Can we just get over this? Can't you both give each other a chance?"

My mouth went dry at his words.

Ash smiled at Shay, grabbing her hand. "This belongs to you," she said into the mic, addressing the crowd but staring at Shay, at her heart shaped face and small eyes, at the model who Ash found fitting. More fitting than me.

"This belongs to you, best friend."

My breath hitched. glanced up at Vee who stood six feet away from me, smiling at Ash. He must have felt my gaze because he turned and waved at me. His smile was brighter than Ash's which I was graced with when she entered the auditorium. That, of course, was before Shay walked past us and Ash moved behind her, wagging her tail.

Best friend. I half smiled, staring at the floor. Shay was the best friend. Then who the fuck was I? Sidekick?

"What is that?" Vee stared at the paintings. Shay stood behind him shocked. "What is it, Shay?"

I shut my eyes and shook my head. That tone. It sent shivers down my spine.

"What is this, Junior?"

I stepped back but he only stepped closer, my hands covered in blood.

"This isn't...this is not what it looks like," I said. My foot slipped. Instinctively, Vee grabbed my hand and steadied me. We were both covered in blood and no one was to be blamed than me.

"I asked you something, Shay." I opened my eyes and saw him move towards the bag I had placed there. His hands trembled as he picked up the paintings inside, obvious to my presence just behind him.

"You had them all this while," he murmured. His eyes welled up and he blew out a long breath.

"Please tell me you found them and were going to give them to me tomorrow," he said. "Please, Shay. You didn't steal them, did you?"

My hand covered my mouth as a precaution when I felt another pang of nausea hit me. Shay stared at him and the paintings. Just lie already. As much as I wanted him to know I was innocent, I didn't want Shay to break him again. His gaze wandered back and forth, teary eyed, sad instead of angry. I vividly remembered his anger that I didn't see here.

"I brought them," I said.

Shay, who was still standing out, walked in just as Vee turned back. The paintings had shocked him so much that his face remained impassive when he saw me. I shut my eyes, waiting for him to shout or scream or simply ask me why. I shut my eyes to push back the tears that were threatening to spill. Why? Why was I saving her ass when all she did was snatch away Ash from me?

"What does that mean?" Vee asked, his voice strained. "Junior, did you steal them?"

I opened my eyes once I was sure they would be staring at Vicky and not Vee. My tongue twisted to prepare a comeback that would hit him in the face just like his words had been. I did not want to but I had to, so that he could drop this hope of being nice to me. I was fine alone, thank you very much.

"She called me," Shay said before I could. Her gaze flickered over to me. "I did not pick up but Mummy told me she came over." She walked to her bed and glanced at the paintings. "Kiara found these and wanted to show me."

Vee raised his eyebrow at her and glanced at me. I was too busy staring at Shay in wonder as she lied to him to save me who lied to save her. And I had been dying to strangle her less than a day before. Over Vee's shoulder, she greeted me with a grim look, lips lined in a perfect frown that described just how much she was loathing lying on my behalf.

"The NGO where Ash and I went called today. They had a box lying in their store room that belonged to Ash." Words quickly poured out of my mouth. I inwardly sighed in relief. He would never go to the NGO to confirm.

"I concluded Ash already made some copies and put them in the school instead of the actual paintings. Didn't you notice the ones that were already on display have not been replaced?" I asked.

Shay raised an eyebrow and smirked, clapping silently behind Vee. I could hear her scoff in my ears, Nice lying, nice story. Nice friendship.

Vee mumbled something to himself and pushed his hand through his hair. He stepped back and sat on the edge of the bed, not looking at any of us.

"What was she doing?" he mumbled. "What had been going on with her?"

"I'll get you water," Shay said as a pathetic excuse to fill up the space with her annoying, rattling voice.

"Vee." All the anger I had been feeling changed to sympathy. I touched his hair and he looked up at me.

"We really didn't know her," he whispered.

I knelt in front of him. "We don't even know ourselves."

He let out a dry laugh. "I have woken up to her laughter or rattles of another bottle. I have looked in the mirror and tried to look at myself, see myself. Even if we know who we are, we don't have any idea about what we are doing. It has been twenty seven days since she died, twenty seven days! I feel like I've been trying hard to stay above water since a year."

The saddest thing was we did not even know swimming.

"I don't understand anything anymore. I sit in the class, stare at the teacher, cram the words and try to drown myself in something that does not stink like Papa. Still I end up shit-faced every night. I don't drink, I see her. I drink, I see you. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting and choosing and fighting more. I'm tired of pretending to laugh when Papa says something that hurts just as hard as his 'Are you okay?'. I'm tired of being pulled into things."

I sat with my head down. When I felt his breath in my forehead, I looked up and saw his eyes, they were so dry. He was waiting to shed more tears but he simply could not.

"I'm tired of lying. I've never visited a Police Station before. And now, in less than a month, I had already been inside one. It is terrifying." He grabbed my hand. "I don't want to understand Ashiamma's perspective. I just want to hold onto people I have. And I don't have any of those."

"Yet, the weight presses you down," I mumbled onto my palm.

It pressed me down when I looked at the scratch on his forehead. They should have been friends. I should have stumbled in the Art Room and gushed to Ash about Nolan's offer to take me home while Vee would have grunted and ruffled my hair. Those two guys should have bonded. Maybe, there would be a very small probability that Shay's face might not have anguished me.

Vee's hand dropped mine, his eyes wide open as he stared behind me. I turned my head. Vee got up and opened Shay's almirah. My throat hurt and I hadn't even spoken much. No, no. Please, no. For once, I hoped Shay was innocent, at least in Vee's eyes. I watched in horror as he stepped back and stared into her almirah. It was a junkyard to hide her sins.

A magazine fell out of it, then another. They were not overflowing, just wrongly stacked. Vee looked at me but I looked at the paper he was holding. A loose white sheet with bold colourful words Inter State Gold Medalist.

Vee's hands crumbled the sheet and threw it on the floor. "She called you a coward and look who's been hiding here all the time."

I did not miss the disgust that passed over his eyes when he said coward. He knew. He did not just know but he paid close attention.

I pushed my hands into my pockets. "You don't think I'm a coward?"

He shuffled through the magazine, changing from Ash's page to the one that had my picture. "You're a lot of things but you're not a coward, Junior."

"Why not?" I asked.

He shut the magazine and stared at me. "Because cowards don't throw chips at me. They don't threaten me with a nice nickname. They, most definitely, do not climb up the stage and defy the school by declaring their dead friend as a winner." He stood right in front of me and pushed my specs up. "Coward simply does not go with the name Kiara Singh."

I gave him a weak smile, as bright as it could have been with guilt coursing through my body. If Kiara was so upfront, then who was I? A girl going behind everyone's back and blackmailing someone because she was insecure.

"Here you-" We both turned to Shay who looked at the crumbled paper and then the magazine. Finally, she looked at us.

Vee, to her surprise, gave her a small smile. "Nolan told me you trashed the washrooms. I should have known that guy won't pounce on me just because I messed with Kiara."

I shifted on my feet to wash away the disappointment when he took my name than Junior.

"Did you put the magazine in your own bag, Shay?" Vee asked in his 'no nonsense' tone. Despite that, he had a softness to it.

Shay's gaze fell on me and I looked away. I would not be surprised if she even told him now. I was already done for, so was she.

"Shay," Vee said.

"Yes," she answered. I looked back at her. "I did it. I also trashed the washroom."

Vee stood silent, his eyes moving along with his lips. Nolan's words rung in my ears. Vee did mumble a lot lately. His hair fell on his face and he pushed them back, smiling at both of us. He also smiled a lot lately, just like he used to.

"You were right," he said. "This is between you two. Just don't hurt someone."

"You don't have to pick up sides," Shay said. "It won't matter if you do."

Vee laughed. "You seriously think I'll choose Junior over you? Or you over her?" He turned to me. "Both of you are important to me. Both of you were important to Ashimma."

I scoffed and looked away.

Vee grabbed my chin and made me look at him. "You were important to her, Junior. I don't blame you anymore. I can't."

He let go of me and left the room after muttering 'don't stress your leg' to Shay. I rubbed my arms and gulped. Shay looked out of the door and back at me. She put forth the glass of water. I stared at it and laughed.

"I saved your ass. We're not lovers," I spat.

She put it aside and sighed. "Could you for once not come after me?"

"Why did you lie to him that I called you?"

"Why did you lie to him that you found the paintings?" She stared at her bed. "But I'd have to say, it wasn't a complete lie. I don't identify that polythene."

"Yet you managed to copy them all," I said.

She shrugged. "You just made my plan easier by stealing. Vee did accuse you before but I forgot you were his Junior. I would have told him but you saved me. You actually saved yourself. You spoke before I could and even if I tried to blame it on you, he would not have listened."

Not listened? Was she blind? He was trying to get us back. He was trying to get her back. While Ash was sulking over the damage to her reputation, Vee was listening to her vengeful monologues holding back his sighs at the loss of a friend. I saw her everyday but I never saw him.

"He likes you, Shay," I muttered. "He's fond of you just as much as he's of me or Ash."

She smiled at me. "Do you want another revenge? Is he going to suffer from the same case as that of Ash?"

I smirked. "He would have, had I not lied to save you. Yes, I actually saved myself by lying to him because it would have hurt to see him break even more. Unlike Ash, he is alive. Unlike Ash, he never ignored me. Unlike her, he's a friend."

Up until then, I had been ignorant to Ash. I blamed Shay but it was Ashiamma who chose to ignore me. She chose to ignore everyone for her reputation, for her 'art'.

"That's exactly why he needs to know who you really are," Shay said.

I placed my hand on her shoulder and shook my head at her naive face. "He has seen worse, Sheereen, much worse. How do you I got demoted to 'Kiara'?"

I was not proud to admit it but Shay had to keep her mouth shut. My hands began to sweat when I imagined her telling Vee everything.

"What will you say?" I asked. "Will you just go and say, 'Hey, Vicky, guess what? Kiara actually knew about the whole Instagram thing.' I did not know that."

She pushed my hand back. "I won't beat around the bush and tell him all."

I raised an eyebrow at the determination in her voice. "I'm sure that includes how you were driven by jealousy. She got selected, you didn't."

She glared at me. "Ashiamma told me to not participate because I might be a 'good model but sucked at painting or drawing'. I should stick to posing."

"I know, I know. Go and tell that to Vee." Her face fell. "Go and tell him how he reminded you of her, how you hated him just because he was a reminder of Ash. Go on, tell him how you devised the plan yourself. I did not know what you'll do."

Her jaw clenched and she pointed at the door. "Leave."

I walked out of the door but stopped. My gaze fell on her shoes. "Where were you the night she had a party?" I looked into her eyes. "I did not see you there."

"You know just as well I wasn't invited." But she wanted to come.

I then felt that Ash might have gone too extreme. I still could not understand the eccentric, happy look Birthday Girl had that evening. It did not drop until she pulled me aside, and I never heard what she wanted to say. Maybe I did not want to now.

"You wanted to come," I said. "Where were you, Shay? Which park?" I did not know what I was saying but the next words just flew out. "Did you meet her before she d-"

Shay shut the door in my face.

16:00

"Are you crazy?" Roy said.

I frowned. "I'm telling you what I know. Her mother saw her shoes. I know the park where she supposedly went is covered with concrete. If you don't believe me, see yourself." He sighed. "Look, I'm just asking where Shay could be. Maybe she lied because she did not want to worry her mother. Ash's party was not at her home. Possibly, Shay went there. Maybe she could have seen something out of the ordinary. She may not even realize that."

I was not blaming Shay. I just thought they both could have ran into each other and Shay might have seen through her.

"Maybe she saw what we all failed to," I mumbled. I was past the point where I was scared that Shay might open her mouth. Let her speak if that helped us to find about Ash. Only after today I realized we knew nothing about her.

That also made me doubt if her apology could have been for something so huge that I might have failed to forgive her had she asked.