Chapter 20

You love her. And that breaks my heart for reasons you won't understand.

Nolan

30th April 2019, Tuesday
10:30

My mind did not stop conjuring their image, one tipsy with excitement and the other happy but grief stricken. Or was it regret that I saw? I could not decide. I was watching people I knew nothing about except they could be labeled as her friends. It was not Hardik bothering me but Mehak, her shivering fingers and hesitant gaze seconds before she allowed her fear to win. And who understood the aftermath of victory better than me?

I did not know why I had to see it all the time, as if things already were not taking a bad turn. Bile rose in my throat and I shook my head. A chair opposite to mine moved and I saw Vicky setting his things on the table. He was quiet, arranging the other chairs before his own but his lips moved in a tiny mumble, as if doing some sort of prayer. Then, they stopped. He opened his notebook and scanned the pages with an unsettling frown. I watched him skim through the words I could hardly read. He shut it and looked up at me.

"Need something?" he asked.

I tried to speak something but nothing came out. Sometimes, I was surprised how casually Kiara talked about him, completely unfazed by his demeanor. He grunted and got back to skimming.

I said then, "Yes."

He looked up again and I wondered if I had made a mistake.

"Yes," I said louder this time. "I know about your friend."

He played with his fingers and smirked. "Junior is not my friend."

I frowned. Junior? Then I realized he was talking about Kiara.

"No, I'm talking about Hardik," I said.

I did not know much about these guys. They were in the Commerce batch while I was in FMM. I vaguely remembered going to their class a few times but there was this group that simply kept distance.

Vicky folded his arms and stared at me expectantly.

"I..." My thoughts faltered. I could not form words to say this in any modest way. He waited for me to continue. Who was I kidding? This was Vicky, modesty could be taken care of later.

"I know about Hardik and Mehak," I said. "I saw them last Thursday, then yesterday evening and today a block away from the school. I don't know if you kn–"

"I do," he said and opened his notebook again. His nonchalant tone did not match with the twitching lip.

"And you don't care?" I asked, placing my arms on the table.

He shut his notebook and I moved back to the sudden movement, almost scared. If it wasn't for the librarian passing him a glare, he might have leapt.

He leaned in and asked, "Do you? It's none of your business what they do and what they don't. We've been strangers all this time. Let us maintain that. "

I would have readily agreed but things were a little different than the usual. "I'm the least interested in any of you but in case you forgot, people still look at Hardik as Ashiamma's boyfriend, Kiara still looks at him like that."

"So this is about Kiara, then." He gave a sweet smile at her name.

I sighed. How did anyone keep up with this dude?

"Ashiamma is dead and her boyfriend is with her friend. Doesn't sound so fine now, does it?" I said.

His smile slipped and he propped his elbows on the table. I sank further into my chair.

"If you're concerned about Kiara finding out, then shut your mouth and do both of us a favor."

"Can't you just talk to-"

"No," he said and got up, collecting his items. I tried to protest but his incoherent numbing began again.

The few eyes looking up at us dug back into their books when he scowled at his notebook. I placed my head on the table and tried to tune down those images, rising from my mind.

"Watch out."

My head rose back to see Kiara frowning at Vicky's back and rubbing her elbow. She turned to me and smiled.

"Are you alright?" I asked, my voice coming out strained.

She nodded. "He's such a douche. Can I sit down?"

I moved my chair aside and made space for her. "Are you seriously asking me that?" This girl was so modest.

She shrugged and sat down. "It was a free period. I was having a good sleep until I found who the next Samaritan is in my place. "

I hoped it was not Shay. Given her bitter tone, the chances were high.

"My partner," she said and I almost breathed out in relief. "Everybody was raving on about how she is not only the class monitor but a School Samaritan too. I congratulated her and came here. They say you realize the importance of things only when they're gone. This thing isn't even important to me but it still pinches that I was replaced this quick."

"Are you thinking about apologizing?" I asked despite knowing the answer.

She shook her head. "I'm just hurt that Nidhi Ma'am disregarded me so quickly, knowing what all I've done."

I scratched my forehead and mindlessly turned the pages of my notebook, having nothing to say. "What are you going to do now?" I asked. Could my words sound any less forced? Jesus, I simply couldn't shake away their image from mind.

"We have a test at the institution in the evening." She turned to me. "It reminds me, are you free today?"

I was about to say no but changed my mind. "Is there something you want me to do?"

She nodded. "There is this NGO that I go to on alternative Tuesdays. I haven't gone since, you know. They called yesterday and Mum explained the situation to them. Now, the thing is whenever I went, Ash accompanied me sometimes. Not only can I not go today due to the test but there is nobody else to do it for me."

"You want me to do it?"

She nodded and went on to explain what it was about. I stared at her, half dazed, half scared as her hands moved to adjust her glasses one moment and her hair the next. My own were sweaty from the tight grip I had on the table. Hardik and Mehak were the last thing on my mind.

She said something along the line of 'presence' and I went back into the balcony of the Auditorium where my heart had almost sunk to the pit of disappointment before it lit up again at her words. "I like your presence more than I'm comfortable admitting." How long had I wanted to hear that?

"What do you say?" Her words finally got my attention again.

I nodded without paying heed to anything else. They could do all that they wanted.

17:00

I looked up at the board and read the name for the fifth time.

Asha.

"It means hope," Max said from the driver's seat.

I stepped away from the car. "I know that. Are you insulting my Hindi courses?"

He gave a lopsided smile. "Ah, look at our boy, trying to put his language skills to work. Where's your friend?"

"She's not coming, at least not now," I said and stared at the meshed gate. "Will you stay here or come with me?"

"Do you need a translator?" he asked.

I gave him a flat look and waited for the woman to return. Kiara had given me a piece of paper with scribbled information about the NGO shelter. They set up various camps throughout the state, the main headquarters being here, in Ludhiana. I thought about that. Would this be called headquarters or not?

"She does some pretty good stuff," Max commented.

I nodded absentmindedly. It was a de-addiction camp that Kiara had extensively helped in. I placed the crumbled paper back in my pocket. My phone rang.

"I'm coming," she said before I got the chance to even breathe and cut the line just as fast.

"She's coming," I repeated to Max.

The woman, who I assumed was the head organizer, came back to us with a huge smile. Her saree reminded me of Mum that one time when she had come to my school in second grade to take our class on Indian culture. She had looked magnificent, divine in an attire I rarely saw her in.

"Thank you for the donation," the woman said. "Kiara has some really nice friends."

I smiled at her and handed the receipt she gave me to Max. Dad had been beyond impressed, writing a check without any questions even when he had found about this.

"How long has she been doing this?" Max asked.

The woman replied, "A year, by now. Her father has worked with the patients at times. She always accompanied him and started doing it herself last year. "

I said, "I didn't catch your name."

She smiled at me. "I'm Monika Chopra. My husband started this NGO ten years back in the memory of this patient he had, Asha. She always reminded him of our niece. She died of drug overdose. Every year, so many people who die because of addiction, either clutched in its paws or giving up the idea of living because of addiction. It haunts me everyday to see that half of the people are here because there was nobody to guide them."

I followed her gaze and looked past the meshed gates. "You're here to guide them. They're still lucky compared to those who have people but never listen."

"The hot-headed ones," she replied. "Those are the kind that stayed in the dark too long to let a single ray in."

Because it was blinding. Sight was one of the few things left to them.

"Nolan," Max called and pointed towards the road.

Kiara stepped down the scooter, talking to her friend. I realized she was the same girl from that evening on the slides. Once she was gone, Kiara turned and waved at me. I smiled back. She stopped at the door, traced the 'Push' sign and pulled the handle. It moved with a screeching sound and I winced.

"Hi," she said, walking over to us.

Miss Chopra smiled at her. A man walked up to her and whispered something in her ear.

"Is no one going to talk about what you did?" Max asked.

"No," I said and shut him up.

Kiara gave me a questioning look but I brushed it away. "I thought you were not going to come."

She grinned. "The system went down. Test cancelled."

"Kiara," Miss Chopra said, nodding at the man. "We'll like to show you something." She began to walk past the cars, followed by Kiara who grabbed my hand, pulling me along.

Kiara said something but I did not get time to process her words. Miss Chopra stood in front of a building with a sign that had Ashiamma's name on it.

"She was the part of this just as much we all are," Miss Chopra said with a smile. "I thought why not name this building after her? She came here quite often, and dare I say, more than you, Kiara. It..." She wiped a tear. "It just surprised me so much. She was healthy a month ago. I'm still half-hoping that she would walk through the doors."

"The wrong way," Kiara added.

I stood with my mouth open. Kiara opened the door the wrong way without even realising she was mimicking Ashiamma. All this time I had been telling her to get over this, never really weighing her feelings. They had been friends for more years than I had been here. I felt stupid, selfish and sad, all at the same time.

"Nolan, aren't you coming?" Kiara asked, standing midway from across me.

I blinked and looked around. When had we walked from the building to the garden?

Kiara sighed and walked up to me. "Are you fine? You look green."

I scrunched up my nose. "I'm fine. I was just...thinking of Mum."

She tilted her head and adjusted the straps of her bag. "Do you know what Ash would have said to you?"

I shook my head, feeling dead.

"Close your eyes, count till five and breath deep. When you open your eyes, don't open them to sorrow but hope to swallow it," she spoke softly with a smile, each word coming out as a prayer and her Ash was her shrine.

"Do it now." She nudged me.

I closed my eyes and breathed while she counted till five.

"And...five."

She tugged at my shirt. I did not open my eyes. I didn't have to. I saw it all. I saw her pain through my tears. I saw the smile she had today and the one she had a year back. The difference in both the smiles.