Chapter 18

Stop brushing against my skin if you're not going to rain on me.

Kiara

27th April 2019, Saturday
12:50

There were days when I skipped school because I did not want to face people but there were days when I wanted nothing to do with my own shadow. It followed me everywhere, prominent in the daylight when it merged with everything else. But it gained power in the flames of fire, the kind that I was slipping a hold on because reality, real events wanted me to keep up with them. I wanted to keep up with her. Days passed slowly, hours even more and one minute lasted longer than a thousand thoughts I had.

The pen drive was on my table, plugged into the laptop. I rolled off my bed and turned the laptop on, plugging in the earphones before listening to it, something I learnt after Shay's prying. The audio began again. It sounded completely different now. I tried to imagine Sameer's feelings, his reluctance that overpowered his anger. If it was not for Vee, I wondered if he would have stopped from doing so.

The school could not have simply guessed from the audio that Rishab was gay. If they were betting on the last line where Sameer mentioned about telling his parents about them, they were putting too much at risk. Someone must have helped them.

Lion. Lion makes, lion breaks, lion always kills the mouse. And that was where my fears came into play.

They were lying in Tushar's tone that warned me against the school, the suspicious eyes that thought about the security breach. Oh how convenient for me it was that he never raised his suspicion to me, never thought that the person next to him could be a pawn, the pawn. I grimaced and stared at my hands, at the disaster I had become. And I needed someone to blame for this, someone who wasn't...wasn't...

I sighed and put my head down on the table, holding in a whimper, a surprised cry for truth. Shit. Shit. Shit.

My fingers brushed against the glass back of my phone and I dialled Roy's number. I rarely dialled people's number but somehow I remembered his. Injuries did that to people. When you were a patient, you kept a doctor on speed dial; when you were a teenager trying to separate the thin line between fantasy and reality, you kept a police officer's number on speed dial.

"Hello?"

I sucked in a breath. "Roy."

"Hey, kiddo," he paused. "Everything fine?"

I looked out of my room and at the flower pot that Mum had watered just an hour ago. "I need your help."

"Go ahead."

Go ahead or go back? If back, how much in the past? To last month, year and the first day of my existence?

"Pen drive," I chose to say. "Vee said Sameer threw the pen drive. It must be around the campus. Could you search for it?" I wasn't really sure if Vee had said that or Sameer.

"Kiara, Rishab wants to take back the FIR. Honestly, they didn't even register one."

They. The other officers. I loved how easily he disassociated himself from others, like me; only it was justified. He had come just to help.

"I'm losing my mind. Ash was sorry. She wrote a freaking note. Rishab's identity is revealed in a pretty messed up way and....and..."

"What do you think about him? Everyone reacted in a strong way, different initial reactions but borne from the same judgement, same mindset."

I paused. What did I think?

"Nothing," I answered truthfully. "You're not at the station, are you?"

"Hospital. My dog fell sick."

I released the breath.

"Have you ever done something extreme for her?"

"For Ash? I made her my friend. I loved her. Isn't that an extreme in itself?"

13:00

"How are you?" Mum asked as soon as I came down.

I grunted. "You asked me that half an hour ago."

"Forty-five minutes," she said, waggling her opened hand at me. "Shay came yesterday. Let's talk about that if you're fine."

I nodded and straightened. "With pleasure."

"She came to see your father, not you, or so she said. When I asked her why she did not go to the hospital, she said she went but he wasn't there. I left her out of my sight for a minute and she was gone."

I shut my eyes. "Where was Papa?"

"Hospital," she replied, offering me a bowl of ice cream. "She lied. I found her standing in front of the store room. What were you doing there?"

I munched on a mango piece. "I was looking for an adaptor. The one in my room stopped working. I told you a few days back. Shay was actually peeking around my room. She recorded this audio that was playing from my laptop."

"Why would she do that and how? She is on crutches. I don't believe that she climbed those stairs in less than a minute."

I raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure you left her for just a minute?"

She looked guilty after thinking. "But it can't be more than three minutes."

"Enough time." I glanced at her and debated whether I should tell her or not. "You've always asked me why I don't like her. Yesterday, she recorded something that was confidential and did the only thing she was not supposed to. She came to talk to me but while I was in the store room - which she saw - she snooped around. How is her health?"

"I saw the reports yesterday. She's doing great, actually. What was this confidential thing?"

I played with my spoon. "You'll hear about it soon. By the way, I resigned. I'm no more a Samaritan." I looked at her. "I'm done pleasing people."

29th April 2019, Monday
7:30

Same guys, same talk but none touched the topic of Rishab's sexuality as they surrounded him and talked. It came off as a surprise that he had been coming to school. Teachers avoided the topic altogether but I felt they should have been a little more casual and open about it to make the students feel it was okay. The absurdity came when I heard people mentioning words like 'gay' or 'sexuality' in front of third graders and laughing when they asked their meanings.

"Bad words," somebody would respond. I left such groups alone.

I straightened my posture when Nolan approached me. "Did you find it?" I asked.

"Good Morning to you too," he said with a wry smile. "No, there was nothing."

I cursed under my breath.

"You still haven't told me what it was about," Nolan said. Touching my hair, he asked, "Did you get a trim?"

"I did it myself this morning," I explained. "It was nothing, just an empty pen drive but a pen drive nevertheless."

He frowned. "Why did you think it fell there? You're a router. Why would it be near the front gate when you don't go there ever?"

When I had called him this morning before coming to school, I had thought he would simply listen and he had, until now. His face gave away plain curiosity.

"I came yesterday afternoon after the school got over."

Luckily he did not ask why. Just when I thought we were fine, Tushar met us on the stairs. And he stopped.

"Hey, Nolan." He nodded at Nolan and turned to me. "Did you bring the pen drive?"

I fished it out of my pocket and gave it to him, hopefully separating Sameer's voice from my mind and Shay's prying that mocked my intelligence.

Tushar said nothing and walked past us.

"See," I said. "I had to burrow his. M-"

"Kiara." He shook his head. "You're a good liar but the pen drive has the school's logo. It wasn't his."

He stopped a few feet away from my class.

"Just say it. Say it by looking at me," he said just as I averted my gaze. "You wanted a favour from me. You got it. If you do not want to answer my questions, just say so. Don't lie. It'll only make me ask more."

"You make me sound bad," I muttered.

He shook his head and took a step closer. If I looked up, I was sure our noses would brush. Was it the guilt that increased the rate of my heartbeat or his proximity? His breath fanned my forehead and I sighed. If we could simply pause things and enjoy ourselves. If only we were talking about ourselves for once than others.

"I make us both sound fair. I honestly would prefer if you told me to get lost than lie. You're not answerable to me or to anyone else. But if you lie and I find that you've been lying, then I would no more question and leave. That evening when we met, your body language told me how invested you were in narrating your childhood moments. Today, I can see you're here because you have to be. It has nothing to do with your will."

"Here, as in the school or here with you?" I could not help but ask.

"Tragically, both." He said that as if he was stating a fact that did not concern him.

So I said what I should have. "I've been thinking that I am unnecessarily making you carry my baggage. Wait, it's not even my baggage. With everything that's happening, it's just too much."

"Too much to be normal?"

Did he really have to be so agonisingly blunt? God, sometimes he just sounded like a filtered, sweet version of Vee. He was normal and I was afraid of it. I was afraid that tomorrow something else might show up and he would say 'no, thank you' and leave. Maybe that would be still better than him sticking around.

"There are things happening that you do not fully understand," I tried to explain.

"Do I have to understand? Do you have to play a role in it? The only problem is this Kiara, that you somehow get into everything. I don't know if you're pulled or if you choose to jump, which is really stupid, by the way."

"What if I'm pulled into this? Does that make me brave?" I asked.

He shook his head. "That shows how easily you give up. You can't pull a door if it is locked. You saw everything up close - which I don't really know but I can guess. I can guess it ended awfully, traumatizing Rishab and shocking whoever was there. I saw him and Vicky yesterday. It was clear shit went down. I'm seeing you today. You look worse."

I was about to tell him that the school did it but I stopped. It meant dragging him into this. It also meant disclosing Sameer's role and Tushar's help.

"We had this talk before too, where you tell me to give up on other people. It's like we're going in circles. Don't you think I'm wasting your time?" I said.

"I did not ask you to give up on people. I asked you to give yourself more attention. And if this is what we'll be doing everyday, I'm up for it. You should go to the class now."

"I lied to you yesterday," I blurted.

He furrowed his eyebrows before shaking his head. "We'll talk later."

Panic rose in me as he stepped back and I was back in the school. I grabbed his hand before he could leave. "Will you be there in the balcony?"

His genuine smile relieved me. "For someone who wants to stay away from me, you sound pretty desperate."

You had no idea, Nolan Adams. No idea.

7:50

Nolan stared at me with a gaping mouth."Am I supposed to appreciate your honesty or feel hurt?"

I said sheepishly, "Both."

He sighed. "Would you sit down? You're making me nervous."

When I still did not move, he grabbed my hand and pulled me, moving away at the same time so I landed on the mat instead of his lap. I remembered doing this with him a few days back.

I told him that I went to see Roy instead of attending the class and his response was if I was okay. That came after I told him I ended up wasting time in the infirmary.

"You should tell your father about the expired tablets," he said.

"How are you not bothered by me?" I asked dramatically.

"I am. You overlooked such carelessness," he mumbled, pushing my hair back.

I stared at him, relishing his warm hand. I almost groaned when he removed it. "Why are you so nice?"

He shrugged and asked, "Is there any other confession to make?"

I stared at him and his eyes that blinked at me with patience, and I suddenly wanted to get up and dance because I hit the jackpot by messaging him months back. I shifted my gaze from his beautiful face to my fingers. Centuries or seconds, how long had I known him?

And so I said what he deserved to hear and what I should've spoken way before. "I like your presence more than I'm comfortable admitting."

And that was as subtle as I could be describing the calm breeze brewing inside my mind that visited only when he showed up. His lips lifted slightly and I knew I had given up on my initial plans of pushing him away.