When you willingly kept pouring yourself just to fill someone, you shouldn't put the blame on them when you eventually ran dry. I knew all of that from the beginning. I knew she loved someone else. I knew yet knowing about all of it wasn't enough to compensate for the pain of their betrayal.

I thought everything was doing fine. Nakilala ko ang mga kapatid ko, tinanggap ko sila, mahal ako ng babaeng mahal ko, masaya ako, kami, pero hindi pa pala 'yon ang ending. Hindi pa pala happy ending dahil makikialam at makikialam ang tadhana para guluhin ang maayos na nating buhay—o ang buhay na inaakala nating maayos.

Maybe I needed this, to be awoken from my dreams and delusions and stop being blinded from the naked truth.

I tried busying myself by focusing on my studies as the new school year started. Madalas kong makita si Ian at Anna sa campus ngunit iniiwasan ko ang masaling man lang ang paningin ko tuwing nakakasalubong ko ang isa sa kanila.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko sila nakikitang magkasama pero hindi ko na 'yon pinakialamanan. Hindi ko naman madalas na makasalubong si Fritzie dahil hiwalay ang building ng high school sa colleges. May ilang beses kaming nagkasama, minsan kumakain lang sa labas pagkatapos ng klase. Ayoko rin naman kasing pati relasyon namin ni Fritzie ay masira ng dahil sa nangyari.

Nakarating kina Shin pati na sa ibang kabarkada nina Senin ang nangyari. At simula nang araw na magkita kami ay hindi na siya pumalyang mawalan sa akin ng communication. Hindi ako tuluyang namanhid para hindi maramdaman ang pagpaparamdam niya. Wala namang babae ang maglalaan sobra-sobrang oras para sa isang lalaking wala lang sa kaniya.

Pero kahit hindi lang siya ang nagpaparamdam sa akin ay nagmistulan akong manhid sa lahat ng babae. Wala akong niligawan. Wala akong tinignan katulad ng pagtinging nagagawa ko kay Anna. May ilang sumusuko na pero nananatili si Shin.

Aaminin kong kahit papaano ay gumagaan ang loob ko 'pag nand'yan siya. Panandalian akong sumasaya. Pero mali eh. Ayokong maranasan niya ang naranasan ko. Kasi alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ko pa nakakalimutan si Anna. Na walang kasiguraduhan kung kailan ko 'yon makakayanang gawin. At baka maulit lang ang nangyari noon kaya dapat ng itigil, nagsisimula pa lang.

"Regime, alam kong hindi ka manhid. Alam kong nararamdaman mong mahal kita."

Seryoso ang mga mata ko nang tignan ko ang kaniya.

"It's been months. Nakalimutan mo na ba siya?" Humakbang pa siyang palapit sa akin kahit nasa harapan ko na siya.

Nanatili akong nakapamulsa ng magbitiw ako ng tingin sabay marahang iling.

"Regime." Hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong pisngi at ipinaling pabalik ang tingin sa mukha niya. "Nandito ako. I can replace her. I can be anything. I'll do everything. Just please give me a chance. I'll help you."

Naalala ko ang bawat linyang binitiwan ko noon kay Anna. Naalala ko ang mga nangyari at ayoko ng isiping mangyayari pa 'yon ulit.

Her face twisted in mixed pain and disappointment as I uttered, "Please, don't."

"Why?" Basag ang boses niya, ang mga labi ay bahagyang nag-umpisang manginig.

"Mahal ko pa rin siya at ayaw kitang saktan. I need to heal or else, I might break you too. Ayaw ko n'on. One mistake is enough, let's not let history repeat itself."

Tinitigan ko siya ng magsimula ng tumulo ang luha sa mga mata niya. Sa totoo lang naaawa ako sa kaniya dahil nakikita ko ang sarili ko sa kaniya. Pero may mga bagay lang talaga sa mundo na kahit anong gawin natin ay hindi natin maaaring makuha, mga bagay na sakit lang ang idudulot sa atin kapag pinilt.

"Shin—" Namilog ang mga mata ko nang lumapat ang labi niya sa akin. Pikit-mata, dahan-dahang niya akong hinalikan kasabay ng pagpatak ng luha sa pisngi niya.

Nahugot ko ang mga kamay mula sa bulsa nang ipulupot niya sa batok ko ang magkabila niyang braso, ang bawat paghalik niya sa akin ay lumalim. I didn't kiss her back. Pagkahawak sa mga braso niya ay marahan ko iyong kinalas sa akin. Sunod kong inilayo ang mukha sa kaniya para iwasan ang paghalik niya. When she attempted for yet another kiss, I took a step back and let go of her arm.

"Shin, I'm sorry. Hindi ko pa kayang magmahal ulit."

Gaping at me, she paled as new tears brimmed and consecutively fell from her eyes.

I didn't want to hurt her. Pero ayos nang ngayon pa lang masaktan na siya ng katotohanan. Dahil kailangan ko munang buuin at hanapin ang sarili ko bago ako magmahal ulit ng iba. Kailangan ko munang matutunan at makayanan kung paanong magtira sa sarili ko, bago ako magbuhos ng pagmamahal sa iba. Nang natural at walang pagpupumilit na mahalin din ako nitong pabalik.

Aaminin kong nalungkot ako ng mga sumunod na araw na hindi ko na ulit nakita si Shin. Masakit ang ginawa ko sa kaniya pero sana maintindihan niyang isinalba ko lang siya sa mas masakit na katotohanang kakaharapin niya, sakaling pinagpatuloy namin ang gusto niya.

The renovation of the club into a resto ended when September came. Anna and I didn't get to talk from the past months. Masyado akong naging busy sa studies at hindi ko sigurado kung ayos na ba ako, o hindi ko lang siya nakikita kaya tingin kong ayos na ako.

"How is it working with Architect Mañosa?"

Dumapo ang ngiti sa labi ko mula sa tanong ni Dad. "He's good." Nodding, I ventured, "I learned a lot from his expertise. He even offered me to work for him in his firm after graduating."

Dad let out a heartily laugh. "Congratulations. Alam mo bang ang daming malalaking tao ang nagtatanong sa akin kung sino ang architect na in charge sa interior design n'on?"

My smile widened when he threw me a knowing look.

"I proudly said that it's my son!" Grinning now, he nodded at my direction. "I'm looking forward to see Architect Reed hitting one milestone after another."

"Two more years, Dad. Ga-graduate na rin ako. And soon enough, I'll be designing your dream house."

"I'm proud of you, son." Pagkalapit ay inabot niya ang kabila kong balikat para tapikin.

May kaunti mang pagkakagulat ay muling bumahid ang ngiti ko sa narinig. He wasn't usually vocal like this.

"Thanks, Dad." Inabot ko naman ang likod niya at marahang tinapik. "Thank you for everything. I owe it all to you."

Nodding slowly, he muttered this in almost a whisper, "You grew up as a fine young man, Regime. But whatever happens, always remember that you are my son and I treasure you more than anything this world could offer." Ginulo niya ang buhok ko bago humiwalay sa akin nang nakangiti.

That was the last talk we had and also the last time I saw him alive. His body was found the next day in his room, lying soundly in his bedroom as if he was just sleeping.

Ayoko sanang maniwalang wala na siya dahil ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin ang presensiya niya sa paligid. Pakiramdam ko nga nag-business trip lang siya at babalik din matapos ang ilang linggo. I mean, we were just talking last night. Laughing while planning about the future. How come he was gone just like that?

May ilang tumawag sa akin ng mga sumunod na araw para sa pakikiramay. Isa na ro'n si Senin na sobrang nalulungkot sa nangyari. She wanted to fly back here from Canada and grieve with me but I didn't let her. I appreciate her condolences but I told her that I was fine and that she better focus on her studies abroad instead.

Planning to live alone after the fall of our family business, my mother insisted for me to live with her and her new family instead. I was seriously considering the idea but at the same time, I wanted to live on my own. But after our brief encounter from my dad's wake, she was determined to make me move in with them.

I was left alone in the cemetery after my father's burial. The sky was starting to scatter different hues from the dusk when I finally decided to leave. Matapos huminga nang malalim ay pumihit ako para lang matigilan sa akmang pag-alis dahil sa taong nakita.

Holding a flower basket full of white lilies, Anna gingerly made her way towards me.

Natulos ako sa kinatatayuan nang muli siyang makita. Her hair was half braided, the rest of its black waves rest by her chest.

Couldn't say a single word, I stood still as she places the basket on my father's tomb. Nanatiling nakatuon ang tingin niya sa lapida nito nang sa wakas ay magsalita.

"I'm sorry... about Tito Rio."

Pumihit ako patuon muli sa puntod at isinilid ang magkabilang palad sa suot na itim na slacks. I know I was supposed to hate her and swore my grudges to her and Ian. But after all that pain and loss, I've come to realize that it wasn't worth putting and pouring even an ounce of me anymore. Wala na rin naman akong maibibigay ni galit sa kanila, kahit pilitin ko pa.

"Kumusta ka na?" Naaninag ko ang pagbaling niya sa akin.

Walang imik kong ipinaling pabalik sa kaniya ang tingin ko. And as soon as our eyes met, my chest tightened.

"Sorry, 'di ako nakapunta nung lamay ni Tito. Baka kasi... hindi ka maging kumportable sa presensya ko." She bit her lip and tear away from our gaze. "I wanted... I tried to talk to you after what happened but... I didn't know what to say. Gusto ko lang na... mag-sorry at magpasalamat." She breathed in a tight, shaky breath before directing her sight back at me. Tears started to pool in her eyes. "I wanted to be there for you like you were there for me but I couldn't."

My jaw tightened as I kept staring at her. Nanghihina ako. Hindi ko pa rin pala kayang panoorin siyang umiyak.

"I lost myself for loving someone too much to the point that I let it consume and almost destroy me... at kasama ka na ro'n. You were the only person who loved me without asking for anything in return. But I let you bleed from the sharp edges of my cut that I failed to let go. I broke you from loving me and I will keep on hurting other people if I won't heal my bruises on my own."

Nanunuyo ang lalamunan, huminga ako nang malalim. I was just about to walk up to her when I stilled as she moved towards me. Shaking as she wrapped her arms around me for a tight hug, my palm immediately landed at the back of her head like a reflex.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed as she bury her face on my chest.

Para akong malulusaw nang niyakap ko siya. Parang gusto kong pihiting pabalik ang panahon. Parang gusto kong hilinging sa akin na lang siya ulit, na ako na lang ang piliin niya, na 'wag niya akong iwan, dahil siya na lang ang mayro'n ako.

Gusto kong magmakaawa na dito na lang siya sa 'kin, na hindi ko siya kailanman sasaktan tulad ng naranasan niya sa ibang tao, na kaya ko pa ring ibigay ang lahat kahit ubos na ako. Para sa kaniya. Kaya ko pa ring maging tanga at paulit-ulit na magpakatanga. Para sa kaniya.

"Mahal kita, Anna."

Humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin kasabay nang mas lalo niyang paghikbi. Gusto ko siyang tahanin ngunit ang luha ko'y nag-umpisa na ring kumawala.

Kahit kailan hindi ako humingi nang sobra-sobrang mga bagay sa buhay ko. But now, if it wasn't too much to ask, there was only one thing that I badly wanted.

"Can you please stay?" Halos hindi ko makilala ang sariling boses dahil sa panghihina.

My eyes were shut tightly, scared to hear what she had to say. Even though I was hurting at the same time because I already knew what it was from the get-go.

"I can't." But hearing those two words crushed me even more. "Kahit gustuhin ko, Regime, hindi pwede... I'm sorry... sorry. Ayaw na kitang saktan pa... pati si Ian. If I stay, things will only get more complicated—we'll just end up hurting each other more and I don't... I don't want that."

I could feel her arms losing its hold on me, breaking away from her hug and making spaces between us. My hands rest on her shoulders as I squeezed it lightly for I couldn't let go. I can't let her go.

Kapwa basa ng luha ang mga mata at tahimik na humihikbi, nagpalitan kami ng tingin. Slowly, she tried to give me a smile as her palm touched my cheek and wiped my tears.

"Kailangan kong umalis." Her smile faltered from a sudden sob, but continued, "Pero magkikita pa tayo ulit... I promise. Hindi ko alam kung kailan... pero balang araw... balang araw."

I held her hand on my face and shut my eyes as I drowned from my sobs. She would come back. We needed to be apart for now but she would surely come back. She said it herself.

"Maghihintay ako."

I waited and waited... but Anna never came back. She lied and ended up breaking her promise—the same way that she broke my heart and left me in shards.

She was gone. We couldn't even properly said our goodbyes. She's just... gone.