I cram the final pages of the compulsory reading into my brain before slamming the book closed and collapsing backwards onto my pillow. If there's one author whose work I loathe it's Charles Dickens. His use of archaic language is enough to scramble my mind as I try to decipher what image I'm supposed to envision. How am I meant to analyse this when I can barely understand it?

A quick glance towards the clock hanging on the wall above my desk let's me know I have an hour and a half before today's lecture, plenty of time for me to try and rid myself of this pounding headache. I mean it this time - I'm never drinking again. I close my eyes, slowly drifting off only to be crudely awakened by heavy thunping against my door.

"You up?" Nick calls out. I groan, easing myself into a sitting position.
"Yep."
The door swings open to reveal him standing beer bottle in hand. Lucky bastad, I quietly simmer. Fridays are Nick's day off. I'd kill for a long weekend to catch up with some pleasant reading by authors I adore.

"Skip lectures tonight," he grins taking a large swig of the vile drink. My stomach turns, traumatised by last night's antics.
"Wish I could, but Jack would have my ass," it's a half truth; Jack most likely wouldn't notice my absence.

I'm hoping to bump into Eloise again. She has invaded every spare moment I've had, thoughts of her plump lips and doe eyes twisting my stomach into knots I've never felt before.
"Your loss," he shrugs while exiting. Leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I've never felt this way about a person before, much less another girl. I dreamt about her last night, of her lips against mine. Softer than Nick's, less forceful and more attentive. Like she were trying to reach deep into my soul.

I'd woken still able to feel her hands around my breasts. The tightening between my thighs, completely alien to me, grips me. I close my eyes, tense my legs and bite my lip trying to control myself. Pull yourself together. She doesn't even know you exist.

The alarm on my phone rips me from my thoughts, screaming at me to leave. Putting the memory of dream Eloise into my box of shame, I stuff my laptop into my bag and shrug my leather jacket on. Though its September now, the air is still pleasantly warm.

It's not a long walk to my lecture hall, but it is beautiful. The crisp orange leaves beneath my feet crunch as I cross the wooden bridge. If I stand in the centre and look to my right I can see the city centre, the lights illuminating the river. The glittering reflection takes my breath away. We've no beauty like this back home. We don't have much of anything really.

I scan the seats as I enter, looking for the red and black hair. Why am I searching for her? My stomach flips when our eyes meet. I wave, a small smile on my face. She looks at me, confused expression written on her face, before bringing her head back to the notepad she vigorously scrawls in. I swallow the humiliation and slide into my seat.

Jack's voice drones. I try to maintain my concentration, making notes here and there ready for our first assignment, but God I could sleep. I wonder if anyone has ever told him how monotonous he is. I risk a glance towards Eloise. She bobs her head, headphones in, scribbling at the paper before her. I whip my head back to the front of the room as she turns catching me staring. Fuck. What is going on with me?

Upon Jack's dismissal I race out of the hall, tripping over someone's discarded bag. Righting myself I feel the heat burn in my cheeks but don't turn to check that she's not noticed. I know I said I wouldn't drink again, but it's justified now right? A flash of red and black whips past me.
"Hey! Watch it!" A brunette girl barges past me muttering under her breath.

I hadn't noticed I'd stopped dead in my tracks. Adjusting the strap of my bag on my shoulder I duck my head and begin the slow trudge home.

Nick is already drunk by the time I arrive, holding a glass of gin and lemonade towards me.
"You know you want it," he slurs waving the glass side to side, liquid splashing onto the floor. I take it, mostly to save the mess. I grimace as the first mouthful eases it's way down my throat.

"How much gin did you put in this?" I cough.
"Bout this much," he grins using his thumb and forefinger as measurements. I roll my eyes, ignoring his protests as I tip a little down the drain filling the glass back up with lemonade. Cautiously taking a sip I smile. Much better.
"You're trying to kill me," I accuse nudging him gently.

He stands in front of me, pinning me against the work surface, tongue darting in my mouth. The stubble he boasts will become a full fledged beard within the month scratches my face. I try to enjoy it, tell myself I should. Girls like boys, I let Mum's words float in my head. To lay with a girl is a sin. They'll burn in hell, you'll see. I hadn't understood what was so different about the two girls walking hand in hand but the poison in Mum's voice was enough to warn me off questioning her.

I close my eyes, willing my body to respond how it ought to. How they do on Pornhub. I replace the roughness of his hands on my skin with the delicate strokes I imagine Eloise's hands would create. Her fingernails softly scratching my back as she moves up my spine pulling me closer. Her mouth wouldn't taste of beer, it would taste of peppermint. I moan softly, Nick moving closer assuming he's hit some magic spot.

"Stop! Just stop!" I yell pushing him backwards. I hate this, hate the betrayal of my body and mind. I can't be unnatural. Can't want something so disgusting. I rip my hair, slapping my head trying to knock the thoughts from my mind. Nick watches confused, mouth opening and closing. I don't wait for him to say anything. I run from the kitchen until I'm in the safety of my room. I slide down the closed door until I land with a thud on the floor.

I need to be clean. Need to wash my mind of this filth. Mum would kill me. Would disown me. I'm not sure which is worse.

She's all I have in this world. I can't lose her. I half crawl to the ensuite, reaching my arm up to switch on the shower. I sit, fully clothed, the water cascading over me. I can almost imagine me and Eloise, entwined in bed, gurgling down the drain.

I breathe heavily, chest tight and painful. Why can't I be normal? I need to stay as far away from Eloise as possible. Need to stay away from the temptation to sin. I can't let my mind taint my body anymore.