Author's Note: 

The title has officially been changed from "Hiraeth" to "Tides of Fate."

The rating for this story from here on out is changing to a hard MATURE. 

As the war goes on and the relationships between characters progress, there will be numerous explicit scenes of violence, war, loss, mental health issues, trauma, and sexuality. While some of my other stories give warnings at the beginning of every chapter with mature scenes (as there were fewer of them and thus easily skipped over), Tides of Fate will not be like that. Many of the chapters going forward will have mature themes, so I will not be labeling them individually! I will only provide trigger warnings for graphic scenes that might be especially traumatic, but otherwise, expect the story as a whole to get much darker and more intense.  

If you continue reading, it is completely at your own discretion! If a story filled with mature themes and graphic scenes is not your cup of tea, and especially if you're too young to consume such content, please stop reading here. 

-ADHARYN

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-- OCTOBER 1980

Carina had let down her house. She'd never felt like she'd been sorted wrong at Hogwarts until now. Because surely, her cowardly actions would bring shame upon the house of the brave? 

It had been nearly two weeks since Gideon had come back from Ireland. Two weeks since her understanding of her life had been flipped upside down. Needless to say, she had not met Gideon after his debriefing. In fact, she had been doing everything in her power to avoid facing that conversation. Coming home in a frenzy, she'd shut off her floor to everyone and readjusted her wards. She penned Gideon a brief note that she needed time to think and would get in touch soon. 

But one night had bled into an additional day, and her thoughts were no more composed. A few days bled into a week, and now it had nearly been two weeks. Two weeks of blatant avoidance and productive procrastination. On the bright side, her potions cupboards were overflowing and Sirius, Remus, Peter, the Potters, and Longbottoms all had a chest of standard household mixes.

She was in Diagon Alley getting fresh ingredients for even more supplies, thinking perhaps she could give some to Marlene next when she was finally cornered. Elbow deep in moonseed, she jumped out of her skin when someone cleared her throat directly behind her. 

"Sorry. I never intend to startle you." 

Carina turned. A sad smile greeted her, a stark contrast from the amusement she'd received after reacting similarly those fated two weeks ago.

"Fabian..." 

"Busy brewing?" He asked lightly, gesturing to her stash of potions ingredients. 

"Uh- Yeah. I mean, Moody and Dumbledore haven't needed me recently. Thought I'd keep myself busy." 

"You know you can't avoid him forever," he pointed out. 

Carina flushed, looking away from Fabian's open, imploring gaze. 

"I don't intend to," she replied softly. "I just- I don't know... I don't know what to think or what to do." 

Fabian sighed, drawing her attention immediately. "Please don't tell me that's for my sake. It's unnecessary." 

"I can't just ignore it!" 

"That's fair, but have you even tried to talk to me about it? Or Gideon? He's been going crazy when all his owls came back unopened." 

Carina winced. Perhaps the modifications on her wards had been a bit too strong. She certainly hadn't received any of his owls. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize..." 

"Carina," Fabian said firmly. "I understand if you're a little caught off guard by my feelings. But they are my feelings. They're not your responsibility, nor should they affect your decisions. You don't owe me anything." 

"I know that, I do. But you've been distant these past months..." Carina whispered sadly. "You're not around for Order business as much, at least not when I'm involved. You mean a lot to me, and I don't want to lose you." 

"I'm sorry, I hadn't intended to not be there for you," Fabian replied earnestly. "I suppose I needed some time as well. To sort through my feelings." 

"Have you?" 

Fabian's unwavering gaze bore into her until she felt her heartbeat ratchet up. 

"I'll get there," he told her vaguely, finally averting his eyes. "But this shouldn't impact your decisions about your relationship with Gideon. It's the happiest I've seen both of you, and I don't want you stopping on my account. I told you, my feelings are my own and not your concern." 

"But it's not just our feelings involved, is it?" Carina asked hoarsely. "You two have been going on missions separately. Since when have you ever done that? We're in the middle of a war, you two are meant to be watching out for each other!"    

"All our missions are approved by Moody," he pointed out calmly. 

"That's not the point!" 

"If it bothers you, we'll try not to take separate missions." 

Carina sighed heavily. "I don't want to come between you two." 

"You haven't," Fabian shook his head with confusion. "Carina, Gid and I have talked about this in great detail, even before you two became an item." 

"Lovely," she scoffed, her eyes flashing with annoyance now. "You two have talked all about it and never saw fit to tell me any of it! I am just as much involved in this as either of you!" 

 "I don't know what you want me to say," Fabian shrugged helplessly. "We knew very early on how we felt. We were also pretty certain you didn't feel the same. You never entertained any advances from either of us." 

"Well, I didn't know how you felt! Either of you!" She finally snapped, completely flushed with the inexplicable frustration she'd been feeling all week. She couldn't tell where it was coming from either. 

"Carina..." 

"You two always teased and flirted, but neither of you actually made a move! I never thought you were being genuine. I never even considered..." her voice broke off as she forced herself to breathe calmly. 

Fabian watched her pensively. 

"I understand that might be frustrating," he admitted. "But you feel something for Gideon now, don't you? Don't throw that away just because the situation is more complicated than you thought." 

"I told you I don't want to lose you either." She met his gaze fearfully, her heartstrings tugging painfully at the admission. 

"You won't," he reassured firmly. "I see how much he cares for you, and I would never forgive myself if I got between that. And I will be fine, I promise. Having you as my friend is enough, it's always been enough."

Carina sighed. 

"It would've been enough for us both, but Gideon got lucky." Fabian winked reassuringly. "You are my friend, first and foremost. That will never change." 

Carina felt the rush of something cold down her spine. It all sounded so familiar in a tragic way. It was nearly identical to the words she'd used to reassure James ever since the 7th year debacle. And with a sinking sensation, she realized she couldn't do this. Because Fabian was essentially in the same position that she had been in years ago. Much like her, he'd tried to refrain from telling her about his feelings to spare her the complication. She could finally understand how James might have felt having the revelations of her feelings bombed on him. She knew how it would likely play out now. Fabian would take joint missions with Gideon because it concerned her. He would eliminate the space he'd created between them to keep the peace. And if he were anything like her, he would eventually find his own balance of contentedness with the situation.

But she was intimately aware of what being in that position would be like. The early months of wearing a mask to pretend that seeing her with Gideon didn't bother him as much as it truly did. The forced smiles to keep his friends and brother from worrying. The inklings of sadness that popped up out of nowhere now and again.

No. 

She knew very well the unique torture that kind of situation was. And she couldn't do that to him.    

"You mean so much to me," she told him tearily. 

His eyes softened, and he slowly stepped towards her, gently wrapping his arms around her. "I know that." She dropped her head against his collar, returning his embrace with a tight squeeze. 

"Thank you for being honest," she mumbled into his shirt before finally pulling back. "I promise I'll talk to Gideon soon." 

It was the brilliantly positive smile he gave her before parting that reassured her of the decision she made. The smile stretched a little too wide, with the corners of his eyes tightened ever so slightly.  

She had no desire to see that smile directed toward her ever again. 

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AN: Much shorter update, but maybe that's okay so I can update more often.