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-- CARINA'S FLAT 

Carina was eternally grateful for the week of quiet that followed that disastrous night. The next day, Moody sent the Prewetts on an urgent mission unrelated to the actual Order. She almost sometimes forgot they were ministry-employed workers, and working for the secret organization was only their side job. Everyone else went back to their busy lives, but Carina had a welcome respite. 

Unlike many of her other friends, she was actually wholly employed by the Order. Sirius, Frank, Alice, and Peter had full-time jobs within the ministry. Lily was at St. Mungo's, and while she hoped to use her skills to help the Order, she'd still be a healer all within its own right. James was a professional quidditch player, and being part of the Order was definitely an undercover part of his life. She almost felt jealous of them. When Dumbledore had first recruited her, he'd won her over with his impression of dire need and duty, insisting he'd need her concentration fully on the Order's operations. But every now and then, she'd become anxious about not having any safety net or backup plan. The Order and this war had consumed her life.   

However, once a blue moon, she'd get a quiet week- like this week. With the aurors preoccupied with non-Order business, Carina essentially had no tasks. Dumbledore left her to her own devices when Moody didn't have anything for her. Carina used that treasured time to continue her potions work. 

Perfect timing since she'd used the entirety of her stock on Gideon Prewett recently. 

It also gave her an excuse to confine herself to her little haven of a flat. Carina was still too embarrassed to face her friends. It was a small blessing that she'd managed to work things out with Lily the very same night it all happened. Alice, bless her soul, had guessed it all along and never voiced the truth none of them had wanted to face. Carina was grateful to feel secure with her girls. 

But the thought of facing any of the marauders, let alone James, was absolutely crippling. She'd seen the looks of horror and pity on Remus and Sirius's faces the night she'd blurted out she'd fallen for James. They'd known during Hogwarts too, but like her, they had little faith in the situation back then. She didn't blame them- she knew they supported her unconditionally. It wasn't even a lack of faith in James because he'd been pretty clear about his intentions always- even back then. It was more that none of them had any faith in fighting the tide of the inevitable, forces greater than themselves. 

James and Lily's story was a decade-long saga, even if the majority of it had been them bickering. It wasn't as though Carina had expected to fall for James. She'd never even thought of him like that, not even when they first started their charade. But the blurred lines between staged affection, genuine affection, and being there for each other in moments of vulnerability had snuck up on her. Carina hadn't lied to Lily when she said it was just a crush- a spark of potential. It was beautiful when it happened, but it burned bright and quick like a comet. And at the time, Carina's priorities were securing her makeshift family after they left the sanctuary of Hogwarts. Trying to explore whatever she'd felt for James back then would've been a mistake that would've ultimately created an unwanted distance between her and her support system of friends. Being the prodigy arithmancer she was, Carina knew it was not a smart decision for the ends she was trying to reach. 

Facing James now was a whole different story. Back then, Carina hadn't thought twice about lying about her feelings. She thought she was saving them all unnecessary complications and pain, believing it would just be simpler for everyone if she kept it inside. But by making that unilateral decision, she'd deprived both James and Lily of informed choices. 

She didn't regret it. Lily said her selfish choice was to believe the lie Carina fed her because it was convenient, even though a small voice told her something was off. Well, Carina's selfish choice was to hold all the cards to herself in an attempt to protect the future she wanted. She didn't like risks, and revealing the truth was not a risk she was willing to take, even if the others deserved the truth. But for the first time since she'd made that decision, it was James's expression that made her feel a twinge of regret. 

Perhaps he'd know now why she'd kept her distance and why he'd seen less and less of her over the months. She wished she could tell him it wasn't his fault. She just needed the time and space to heal and refortify. But then she felt like a hypocrite because she'd never granted him the courtesy of the truth to allow him to process with his own experiences. And with everything being revealed now, she knew both James and Lily felt slightly shaken. That was never her intention, but it was still the result. 

The boys all made heart-warming attempts to lift her spirits over the week. 

Remus sent her a pack of her favorite Belgian chocolates with an open invitation to a private lunch whenever she was ready. 

Sirius sent her a rare book of potions that must have cost him a fortune. 

Don't ask where I got it. Let's just say it would've ended up locked in the MLE evidence stores for decades, so no one is going to miss it. Hopefully, this will be a good distraction!   

Padfoot 

Peter sent a small box. When she unwrapped it, a flock of colorful paper canaries that she'd taught him to charm back during their school days serenaded her cheerfully. She found a brief note at the bottom.  

Dear Carina, 

Remus filled me in on what happened after I left. I can't say I'm sorry to have missed that, but I am sorry it happened. I'm sorry this keeps following you even as you're trying to put it behind you. 

I still have hope. As always, I'm rooting for the newest triad of the century. 

I'm here if you need anything. Anything at all.  
Peter 

 Carina had to choke back a laugh reading that last bit. It had been nearly a week since she last saw everyone, including the Prewetts. But part of her was uncomfortable that they now knew about such a childish altercation from the past. Granted, they were both very casual with her, so she doubted they'd ever judge her. But Carina always felt the need to be completely put together- even in front of her most trusted friends. She certainly was not last weekend. 

As though her mere thoughts had conjured them, the Prewetts came striding into her room from the fireplace that suddenly roared to life. Carina looked up from her cooking, surprised to see them. 

"What's that smell?" Gideon drooled, allowing his body to be led by his nose. 

"Carbonara," Carina said. She watched them approach from behind her kitchen island, both of them seeming adorably entranced by the food. "What brings you two here?" 

"We're only a week late," Fabian began guiltily. 

"But we were actually supposed to return your stuff," Gideon finished, placing her purse and coat from the weekend of doom on a nearby chair. 

"Oh," Carina fell silent awkwardly. "Thank you." 

"How've you been this week?" Fabian asked. His watchful gaze and concern made it clear he would not accept the perfunctory 'I'm fine.'

"I've been keeping busy," Carina admitted. "I had to restock my empty potions after someone nearly died in my sitting room." 

Gideon huffed and rolled his eyes.

"How was your mission? What was it about?"

"Can't talk about," Gideon admitted regretfully. "It's classified." 

"Yeah, we only came by to return your things. It's been an exhausting week." Fabian added. 

"Stay for dinner!" Carina perked up immediately.

"Are you sure?" The polite question was completely negated by the boys nearly drooling as they peered at the hot meal in the making. 

"Go ahead and set the table. I'll have the food out in a minute." Carina smiled indulgently. 

When they sat down to eat, the twins moaned at their first bite. Carina was absolutely mortified to admit the deep rumbling sound made her blush. It wasn't the first time she'd fed her friends- she made James treacle tarts and Peter lemon bars. They'd been equally as enthused whenever they tasted her handmade goodies. But they'd never elicited this reaction from her.     

"Where'd you learn to cook like this?" Gideon groaned. 

"It's better than Molly's food!" Fabian added vehemently. 

Carina shrugged humbly. "Here and there. It's a little bit like potions. So as long as I follow recipes in the beginning, it's fairly easy to pick up."

"Have you been able to continue your potions work?" Fabian asked curiously. 

"Only in private. You two and Moody keep me quite busy usually." 

"Didn't Dumbledore promise you opportunities to keep learning in the field?" Gideon argued defensively. 

"I thought he did," Carina shrugged helplessly. "But the more I think about it, I think he meant I'd have plenty of opportunities in the future to pursue potions, whereas my arithmancy work was more urgent."   

"That's bullshit!" Gideon bristled. "You didn't even want to do this job, did you?" 

"It's not so bad," Carina smiled, looking between the Prewetts. "But no, this is not what I want to be doing long term." 

"If it helps, you are making a big difference," Fabian assured her. "Not just with your strategizing. But you brought in Black, who's been a goldmine of information- and he isn't even a highly active Death Eater!" 

"How is he?" Carina's concern bled through her controlled voice. She hadn't heard from Regulus since their trip to the caves, and she knew it would be too dangerous to try and reach out to him.

"He's okay," Gideon supplied. "Dumbledore sent word that nothing has been out of the ordinary while he's been at Hogwarts." 

"The term ends soon, though," Fabian reminded them. "We'll need a better method of reaching him without compromising him." 

"They grow up so fast," Gideon said jokingly, wiping away a nonexistent tear.  

They all laughed. Regulus had, despite all odds, gained a spot in the Prewett's hearts. They were still a little cautious around him, purely out of the principle of his being a Death Eater and prior ambivalence to being associated with them. But when they'd spent all those weeks planning, they'd come to enjoy Regulus's dry sense of humor. It was a stark reminder of how young he truly was. Granted, Carina was only a year older. But a single year in the trenches of this war had aged her more than all her experiences at Hogwarts combined, including the loss of her parents. 

"He's a good kid," Gideon eventually admitted. 

"He is," Carina smiled. "I think he always needed a role model growing up. When he was younger, I think he hoped it could be Sirius." 

"Sirius is a promising auror," Fabian agreed. "A little hotheaded, but a brilliant duelist." 

"He was even more hotheaded back in the day if you can believe it," Carina said grimly. "He could barely take care of himself at that age, much less be an anchor for his brother."

"Sounds like the baby Black needs to be adopted," Fabian smirked, glancing at Gideon. 

"You just read my mind, brother." 

Dinner was a soothing balm to the anxiety that had been an undercurrent throughout Carina's week. There was never any baggage with the twins. She loved her friends deeply, but their history together sometimes became heavy. Partially it was because they hadn't all fully moved past said history. But surely one day they would.

They were nearly done with their meal when an owl arrived at Carina's window. Surprisingly, it had been for the guests. A rather annoyed Moody was demanding they come back to finish their report by tonight so he could send it up to the minister the next day. 

"I'll go," Fabian said reluctantly. "It's my turn to file the report anyway." 

"You sure?" Gideon inquired. 

"Yeah yeah," Fabian rolled his eyes, looking between Gideon and Carina for a moment. "It'll only take an hour or so. Be good kids! Don't do anything I wouldn't!" 

Gideon rolled his eyes as his brother apparated away. "I'm the older one!" He grumbled. 

"By like ten minutes," Carina reminded him with a small snort. 

"Still older!" 

Carina cleared the dishes and brought back two glasses of dessert wine to the table along with a tray of biscuits. 

"How are you, really?" Gideon asked. 

Carina looked up from her tinkering curiously. His earlier light-hearted expression had settled into something more serious. 

"I told you. I've been-" 

"Keeping busy- I heard. But that's what you've been doing. You haven't said how you've been."

Carina sighed reluctantly. "I'm alright. Honestly, I'm probably doing much better than I could've been. I guess I've just been a bit nervous." 

"What about?" 

"That I'd lose my friends? That we'd become distanced? I don't know. That's the whole reason I never told them back when this all happened. But eventually, it snowballed into this big secret I kept hidden. And now they all know." 

"Do you still have feelings for Potter?" Gideon asked with soft curiosity. 

Carina met his probing hazel eyes for a moment before answering slowly. "I don't think so." 

Gideon merely raised an eyebrow, and she felt the words voluntarily spilling forth. She could never talk to any of the marauders so openly about this- not because she didn't trust them or they judged or- because it would put them in the middle of their friends. Carina was always in the middle of conflicts between her friends, whether it was James and Lily or the Slytherins and Gryffindors. It was not a nice place to be, and she didn't want to put that pressure on them. 

"For the longest time, I've been more worried about what my feelings for him would mean- like losing Lily or any of my other friends. So I've been occluding my feelings about him so I would never have to face the problems. Honestly, at this point, I think my fear of losing them has turned into a bigger monster than whatever feelings I had for him." 

"You occlude your feelings for him?" Gideon asked suddenly in concern. "That's not healthy." 

"I know," Carina sighed. "It was meant to be a short-term fix, but I can't bring myself to break down those walls now." 

"I can help you if you want," he offered softly, eyes swimming in sympathy. 

"Maybe another time." She still wasn't ready to unpack all her feelings. It seemed easier to tuck it aside where she didn't have to deal with it. It wasn't harming anyone.

"Anytime, angel." 

"You're surprisingly easy to talk to," Carina observed happily. 

"I like listening to you," Gideon said easily with a smooth charm. "You wanna know a secret?" 

Carina raised an eyebrow curiously. "What?" 

"I actually rather like you." 

Carina blinked. The easy smile had never budged from Gideon's face, but there was a hint of steel in his eyes that made her think he wasn't just joking. It was as if he could read her treacherous thoughts of disbelief. 

"Honestly," he emphasized. "I actually really like you, Carina." 

"Why?" 

Gideon let out a short laugh at the inflection of genuine confusion in her voice. "You're easy to be around- effortless, really. And you're fun. But more importantly, you've got such a big heart, and you give so much of yourself to other people. It makes me want to make sure you receive as much as you give. It makes me want to protect you."  

Carina stiffened suddenly as the words brought her back to a different night and an altogether different man. A late night in the early spring during her last year at Hogwarts. Wearing a pretty dress under the moonlight as she stared into a pair of hazel eyes. So much like Gideon, yet so different. 

"You're so small." He'd mumbled into her hair 

Carina had only shrugged. "Being small has its advantages." 

"Makes me want to protect you." 

It makes me want to protect you. The words kept spinning in her mind. Those words never failed to warm her heart. For so much of her life, she was a rock to all the people around her. She didn't have the most energy and charisma like Sirius or James. She wasn't the most outspoken or confident like Lily. She wasn't the most honest like Alice. But she was still important because people needed her. Part of it was her own making because. To be frank, Carina liked feeling needed. But after years of being everyone else's rock, it had become a vulnerability of hers to find someone who would recognize even she needed a sanctuary sometimes. 

James Potter was the first person who made her feel like she could go to someone else for an anchor. 

Carina smiled sadly towards Gideon, more disillusioned now. Pretty as the words were, the promise behind them was often too heavy for most people. "I've heard that before." 

Gideon's eyes dimmed ever so slightly in disappointment before hardening in determination. 

"Well, I've got time," he reminded her. "I don't jump headfirst into anything either, Carina. I'm not saying I'm in love with you. But yeah, I really do like you. And I'm mature enough by now to realize I can wait until you decide whether you want to explore whatever this is, and it won't change how I feel." 

Carina smiled weakly. How refreshing. 

 If there was one sentiment she could confidently return, it was that being around Gideon was effortless. He had the tendency to make everything feel lighter and more digestible. He made her feel like everything would work itself out. But he was also capable of being serious when the occasion called for it. She suspected the depth she'd seen from him was only the tip of the iceberg. 

And she'd be lying if she said she wasn't interested. The chemistry she'd felt with him was one of those rare things she only found with a few boys. Lucius had been the first. James had been the second. She'd been on many dates before, but the thing that kept her from pursuing anyone else further was that lack of chemistry. 

But before she could tell him, a sharp crack of apparition filled the air as a sudden draft of wind disrupted the room. 

Gideon and Carina both snapped their heads towards the newcomer. Both were surprised, and both were just the tiniest bit annoyed. But the annoyance quickly faded away to concern as they took in the sight of a disheveled and distraught James Potter in Carina's sitting room. 

James's eyes dilated as they flew between Carina and Gideon. His surprise at finding the Prewett twin in Carina's flat was evident in his expression. 

"James," Carina said cautiously as she stood. "Is everything alright?" 

He met her eyes, his own widened like a deer caught in headlights. "No- Yes- No! I mean... I'm sorry I didn't realize you'd have company." 

Carina's concern deepened as James began stuttering. 

"It's alright," she assured him, using a gentle voice to avoid spooking him. 

"No, no, I should've owled," James muttered in a shaky frenzy. 

"No worries, mate," Gideon said easily. "We just finished dinner. I was about to get going anyway- I should check on Fabian about those reports." 

He draped his cloak over his arm as he walked over to Carina. She expected a hug goodbye, as was usual, but instead, Gideon dropped a soft peck on her cheek. 

"I'm only an owl away," he whispered as he drew away. With a final nod, he disapparated. 

Carina finally turned to James. For the past week, facing him had been a growing monster in her mind. But now, she was utterly shocked by the sight of the man before her. He wasn't angry at her. He wasn't even annoyed. But he looked devastated. 

"James... what's wrong?" 

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Author's Note: 

I want to take a moment to highlight OneWhoReadsTooMuch's review (on ff.net) because they captured the nuance I was trying to convey in the last two chapters! 

"I think for me, when it comes to the whole awkward triangle with Lily-James-Carina, they needed this moment to happen. It's easy for the majority of them to brush off whatever 'feelings' happened on James and Carina's end because it happened fast in a short amount of time. Compared to James completely FAWNING over Lily for YEARS, it's easy to say 'oh heat of the moment' or 'it wasn't REAL.' It's not just people on the outside who would think that way. We saw that Lily, James, AND Carina wanted to believe it to be the case. It makes things less messy and complicated if it is the truth. I think Carina is the only one of them who has actually had time to process her feelings were genuine, mourn what was/what could have been, and move forward from them."