C H A P T E R   T W E N T Y
just one chance

amped:
getting excited while surfing or looking forward to a surf.

"You're going back to your old bad habits Ains." Dawson says swimming over towards my board. "You're cutting way to early."

I groan throwing my head down against my hands. "So then what? When should I?"

"Wait till you are up and stable. You keep on cutting to soon and you are just driving the nose of the board into the water."

"Okay." I nod, breathing out the air I never knew I was holding as I flatten out on my board and start paddling out towards the unknown. Dawson quickly catches up to me and grabs onto my board, halting me in my tracks.

"You know I'm not trying to be mean right?" He says with a small smile. "I just want you to be the best you can possibly be."

"I know daws. It's just frustrating. I use to be one of the best, and now here I am. I can't do anything right it seems" I say looking down at the board avoiding his eyes.

"You're not giving yourself enough credit. Look at you right now, you're sitting out in the ocean, sitting on a surfboard. A month ago if I told you this is what you'd be doing you would have laughed at me. You've come such a long way, and I'm proud of you." He says reaching out and cupping my face, forcing me to look at him.

"What would I do without you." I say looking into his green eyes. "You've changed me and in a good way."

I lean forward and place my lips against his softly as I let all of my worries slip away.

"So are you ready to try again?" He asks against my lips as I pull away and paddle out further giving him my answer.

"You're spotting the wave all on your own this time." He shouts from far away with a smug smile dancing across his face.

I find myself staring out at the horizon watching the waves rise and fall. I know what I'm looking for. Not a wave which is parallel to the skyline, but one that is angled or sloped.

I recognize a few closeouts coming my way due to the fact it's parallel to the skyline. There's no point wasting energy on those because the wave will break simultaneously across its face.

Just then I spot a wave in the distance with a high-peace on its right hand side. I know the waves going to start breaking at the right so I start paddling towards the shore.

I angled my self so that I would ride in the direction of the break as I slowly felt the wave start to lift me up.

Pressing down on the board with the palms of my hands, I placed my feet underneath me and stood up into a crouching position.

Once I was standing and the wave started breaking I repositioned my feet as started to move back and forth. I then cut hard, spraying droplets of water into the air.

I then decided to test my luck by attempting an ariel jump as I pushed forward on the board and turned my body so that I was facing the breaking wave and rose up its height.

The tip of my board flew over the edge as I attempted to regain balance. The wave was unforgiving as I crashed down into the water...hard.

The whole right side of my body smacked against the water knocking the breath out of me as I struggled to keep my head above the water.

I was gasping for air.

My breathing was ragged and unsteady as I tried to calm down but it felt as though I had lost all control of my body.

All that I could think of in this moment is this is how Crystal must have felt...

Helpless.

All the memories of that day flash back to me as I'm scrambling in the water trying to reach for my board.

"I'm sorry. It seems as though she has passed." The police officer says placing a hand against my shoulder.

"You mean she's dead." I say quietly not believing what I'm hearing. I don't cry, I don't scream out, I just feel numb.

"This is some sick joke." I say shaking my head in disbelief. "She's not dead, Crystal isn't dead."

I find myself looking at the body bag, slowly approaching it as the police officer pulls me back.

Reality hit me like a truck as I collapsed down to my knees and let the tears pour down my face.

"She's dead." I mutter out as my parents come rushing to my sides. "My best friend is dead."

Just then Dawson jumped off his surfboard and swam over to where I was pulling me out of the trance.

"It's okay. I've got you." He says wrapping his arm around my waist as he leads me over towards his board.

He places the upper half of my body against the board as I take in a gasp of air as the sobs wrack my body.

"Ainsley." He says grabbing my hand. "Calm down, you're going to be okay."

I quickly wipe at my tears and attempt to calm my breathing. "I couldn't stop thinking about her. All I though about was that's how she must of felt when she was drowning, the last few minutes of her life."

"I don't think that I can do this anymore." I say quietly as I pull my hand out of Dawson grasp. "I'm sorry."

I make my way over to my board a ways out in front of me. Sliding on top of the board, I ride the waves over to the shore.

Dawson kept calling my name trying to get me to reconsider but I ignored his calls and placed my board down against the sandy shore.

Grabbing my Newport crew neck, I threw it over my wet body as I started making my way down the shoreline, the sand like a pillow beneath my feet.

I looked back at the water and saw that he was following me as he came running out of the water as he threw his board down next to mine.

What was I thinking?

I wasn't ready to get back into the water. I wasn't ready to touch a surfboard again. I wasn't ready and I'm afraid that I never will be.

I kept walking until I came up to the lifeguard watch station. The pole at the front caught my attention as I grabbed onto it and pulled myself up onto the top deck.

My legs were dangling over the edge of the old wooden flooring as the wind gently blew through my hair.

I hugged my body through my thin sweater as in an attempt to keep warm. I found my eyes wandering to where Dawson was but there was no sight of him or the boards.

He left.

My heart started to throb and seize as I felt tears pouring down my face. It was all my fault, it always is.

Whenever I get close to somebody I love, I always end up pushing them away. I'm afraid of commitment. Afraid of letting them into my messed up world.

I drove my father away. I drove Crystal away and now I had drove Dawson away. Everyone had left me and I felt as though I was alone.

I'm far from perfect, everybody is. However the problem with me is that I am damaged goods. My heart and mind are wandering down two different paths drawing me further away from what I need.

And what I need in this moment is Dawson.

I push myself away from the edge railing and lean back against the wall as I stared out at the waves crashing in front of me.

I sat in the cool air and let the thoughts plague my mind.

Crystal was all that I could think about. How she probably blamed me for her death and how I wish that it was me who was in her place.

How I wish I was the one who died, who drowned.

I deserved it more than Crystal ever did. She was the kindest person i've ever met, one to light up the room wherever she went, and now in my life there's just been a constant darkness.

The sound of wood creaking drove me out of my thoughts as I felt the warmth radiating off of Dawson as he took a seat beside me.

"What's it that's bothering you?" he starts off, his eyes matching my gaze as we stare off at the vastness of the ocean. "A week ago you were so excited to get back out there and now with the Pierres Point contest a week away it's like you're giving up".

I sigh while placing my forehead against the wooden beam. "I don't know Daws, it's just overwhelming. I'm not the same girl who's life revolved around surfing. It's just.. I don't think I'm good enough to go back out there again".

He gently placed his hand against my thigh, rubbing softly in an attempt to calm me down. "Look at the amount of progress you've made in a month. You were out there nearly landing tricks again Ains. Surfing is a part of you, it still is. You just need to figure out a way to manage your emotions to allow you to find that part of yourself again because I think that you are more than capable of doing this".

I placed my head against his shoulder as I pondered my thoughts on what to say but nothing came out. We just sat there in silence.

"How about this. You compete in the Pierres Point contest. It's a lot more laid back, less coverage, and a good starting point. If you realize then that this isn't what you want to do anymore then we'll drop out of Chancier. You just have to at least give it one chance".

I nod. I knew this is what I had to do. It was just taking the step to do it consumed all my strength that I thought I had.

"Just one competition... that's all I'm going to do. I'm just giving it one chance".

"One chance is all it takes".

-----
wc: 1742