no matter how hard i tried

i couldn’t get her cinnamon scent,

her soft skin against mine,

her hair falling past my face

out of my head.

i knew everything was my fault

i’d gone ahead and ruined it

and my whole life i’d spent the years blaming my misfortune on

death

the world

uncontrollable circumstances.

but this time

it was i who deserved the blame.

i cried far too long to be healthy

i cried far longer than i ever have before.

what am i supposed to do?

she probably hates me.

she’ll never stay friends with me now.

it was nearing midnight when i sat up and turned to my window.

the curtains were still open

shifting in the breeze.

the stars looked as beautiful as ever

but it only made me cry again

because they reminded me that nothing has changed.

they were the same stars i’d gazed at

          after Okaasan died.

the same stars i’d admired

          alone every night

and the same stars underneath which

          i’d sat with a beautiful person

          and had my first kiss.

the same stars which i now looked at

          alone

          again.