Willow lay on her bed, staring at the brightly lit metallic ceiling. She had planned to practice her Patronus spell right after lunch, but the meal was sitting heavily in her stomach. Willow hadn't even eaten much - she'd kept to a small portion, just enough to satisfy her hunger after training, but she still ended up with a slight stomachache. That's why she'd made herself comfortable in bed; she could practice the spell later.

It puzzled Willow a bit that she had a stomachache after eating. Until now, she'd had no issues with Greez's cooking and had tolerated it well. Of course, it could be that she wasn't used to the type of food here, but wouldn't her body have reacted sooner, not nearly four days later? Or could it be something else causing the discomfort? Maybe a certain red-haired someone?

Annoyed, the girl exhaled. She needed to keep busy - maybe then the pain would go away. So, Willow reached over to her leather bag beside the bed and pulled out a fresh roll of parchment along with her quill. She wanted to write a new journal entry. Her last one hadn't been that long ago, but emotionally, too much had happened not to jot it all down. Inside, Willow felt restless and confused, but today, writing wasn't coming as easily as usual. Normally, her hand would fly across the parchment, but now, she couldn't even think of how to start. The more she dwelled on the current situation and her feelings, the more downhearted she became.

She'd given up on the typical "Dear Diary" introduction a long time ago. Usually, she'd start writing immediately to get her loudest thoughts out as quickly as possible. But how could she do that now when she didn't even know how to put all of this into words?

Frustrated by her whirlwind of thoughts, Willow felt tears pricking at her eyes. She pressed her lips together and closed her eyes, taking steady breaths. She ran her cool hands over her flushed face. Then, she opened her eyes, grabbed her quill, and leaned over the parchment, ready to write. She knew she needed to think less and write more - and so she did. It still wasn't easy, but she tried to be patient with herself.

And so she wrote:

Everything feels so strange. And I don't mean the strange that comes with interplanetary travel. I mean my feelings. They're just weird. And Cal's behavior. My last entry was in Kujet's Tomb on Dathomir. Cal was meditating at the time. Right after I finished writing, he became super restless during meditation. He woke up in a panic, deeply withdrawn. On our way back to the Mantis, we ran into the Wanderer again. He tried to pull Cal to his side - a dark side. Cal shut down his attempts immediately, and that's when the Nightsister, Merrin, showed up. She was furious about the Wanderer's deceitful words and sent her zombie sisters after us. We managed to escape just in time, but as soon as we left Dathomir behind, Cal collapsed. The sight was heart-wrenching. Seeing him like that hurt so much. I never thought I could feel someone else's pain like that before. His suffering is my suffering. His joy is my joy. But why?

Cal is such a good friend - my best friend, even. So, it hurt even more when Cere sent me away. Sure, she could provide great support; they share a trauma, and Cere has so much wisdom. But being told I couldn't stay with him made me furious. Looking back, I don't even know exactly why.

I couldn't sleep that night because of my nightmares, so I snuck into the Mantis' living area. And, of course, Cal was there too. He couldn't sleep either. We sat on the couch and had a - more or less - heartfelt conversation. A completely honest talk. I admit, it was scary. But I'm sure he won't tell anyone about it. He laid all his cards on the table, showed me some of his inner demons. A show of trust that's beyond valuable. It's so unfair that these terrible things happened to him. His kind soul doesn't deserve this pain.

After our talk, I felt closer to him than ever. Our hearts were so close. Despite the intimacy, it was a moment filled with comfort and security. We fell asleep together that night. Cal had offered to stay with me because I was terrified of more nightmares. That was the best sleep I've ever had in my life. But when I woke up, he was gone. He came back a few minutes later, but he was acting completely different. Distant, with a hint of uncertainty. And he's been like that all day - emotionally and physically distant. After being so close last night, this gap between us hurts. I don't know why he's acting this way. I thought everything was fine, and then - this. The worst part is that he makes little doings suggesting everything's okay. He's sending mixed signals, and I'm overwhelmed. How do I deal with this?

Sebastian used to do the same thing, sending mixed signals, but he was never as unsure about it as Cal. It just hurts. When I see Cal, it's like everything inside me gets warm, and I want to walk around with a big smile on my face. I want to be close to him, even though I hate being close to people. I climb walls, even though I hate that too. I don't want to leave his side, even though I love being alone. Hell, I don't even want to go back to Hogwarts when I see him, even though that's my home.

I've never had thoughts or feelings like this before. They're so foreign to me, and I have no one to talk to about them. Why now? Why with him?

Cal, what are you doing to me?

Willow shook out her right hand, laying the quill down on the filled parchment before letting herself fall back onto the mattress. She closed her eyes, pleasantly surprised to find her stomachache had subsided. She rubbed her eyes, then traced the fine scar on her eyebrow.

Shaking her head resolutely, she acknowledged the whole situation was strange and honestly pretty messed up, but she couldn't let it get her down. When had she allowed a boy - basically a stranger - to get so close to her? When had she allowed him to see behind her walls? Never before had she let anyone in like this, and now it felt like Cal didn't even see it. He was avoiding her. Had she scared him off? Now that he knew her story, was she just boring to him? Willow didn't know. She didn't have an answer to any of these questions. But she knew one thing: she wouldn't make that mistake again.

A small voice inside tried to tell her that maybe this was all just one big misunderstanding. Willow admitted that could be possible. But was this chaos in her head worth it? Her brain screamed No. She wouldn't even bother listening to her heart - this stupid thing is what got her into this mess in the first place. So she decided to try and accept things and move on, as if nothing had happened. After all, it seemed like Cal was doing the same.

She was a little startled by herself. Defiance wasn't usually her style. But something about Cal had changed her, making her act entirely unlike herself. Willow decided to let it go for the moment; after all, she had plans for the day.

She sat up and swung her legs out of bed. Quickly, she stashed the parchment and quill into her bag. Grabbing her wand, she stood in the center of the room, triggering the door sensor, but she didn't care. She needed space, and the middle of the room offered that. She could have gone to the Mantis' living area, but some quiet thoughts warned her about Cal. He might throw her off, unintentionally hindering her progress. Sure, he had helped her achieve a new milestone with her Patronus back on Kashyyyk, but things had been far more peaceful and straightforward between them back then.

Willow shook out her arms before getting into position. With her wand extended, she closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. She'd try without a specific memory this time, though she doubted it would work. As she concentrated on her breath, her mind quieted. Then, with a firm voice, she spoke, "Expecto Patronum!"

Eagerly, she opened her eyes. Nothing had happened. Not even a hint of magic. While it was her first attempt, and she knew success wouldn't come immediately, a quiet frustration began to bubble deep inside her. Dissatisfied, Willow let out a noise. Fine, one more try. This time, she conjured up the image of her friends.

Focusing on that memory, she tried again. But the effort fell flat. The tip of her wand glowed briefly but faded in less than a second. She tried again, and again, and again. Then, she opened her eyes.

For a while, she just stared silently at the picture in her hands. To her dissatisfaction, it didn't stir the same feelings in her as it had before. Where there had recently been warmth, joy, and happiness, now something cold lingered. Something unpleasant, like envy. Envy that her friends were all able to shine, that they had something that brought them joy. She gripped the picture with both hands, her thumbs and forefingers on the edges. She was ready to tear it in half.

Willow noticed a slight headache forming in her brow. Her forehead had creased into deep, tight lines. Then, as if a switch had flipped inside her, her eyes widened. Shocked, she dropped the picture and took a few steps back. All at once, she was disgusted with herself. How could she think such things? She knew full well that her friends had been through just as many horrible experiences as she had, if not more. If anything, she should admire them for still being able to laugh. And besides, both Ominis and Sebastian had struggled with casting a proper Patronus. What's wrong with you, Willow? Get a grip on yourself!

Reluctantly, Willow felt all her emotions begin to boil over - confusion, frustration, anger, and sadness, mixed with the nastiest thoughts of worthlessness and disappointment. Her breathing sped up, and her wand slipped from her sweaty hands. With the loud thudding of her heart in her ears, she ran her hands over her face. No matter how hard she tried to suppress the thoughts and feelings, she couldn't. Her vision blurred, and she barely noticed her hands beginning to glow with a faint blue light. Willow knew what was about to happen. And she knew it was too late to stop it.

A deep, angry sound escaped her throat as the magic within her erupted. The entire ship was engulfed in blue mist for a split second, and the lights flickered ominously. The floor beneath her feet trembled violently, and the ship's jolt nearly knocked her over. She barely registered the rattling and clattering of the furniture around her - the rushing in her ears was too loud.

After her magical outburst, Willow collapsed to her knees. Holding her head in her hands, she only now realized the cool breeze on her cheeks. Confused, she touched her face and found a few stray tears had escaped.

—

Willow wasn't sure how long she'd been sitting on the cold metal floor. She felt empty, and all she could hear was a ringing in her ears. A vague tinnitus. She barely noticed the warm hand that rested on her shoulder. Groggily, she lifted her head and found herself staring into Cere's deep brown eyes.

"Willow?! What happened?"

The older woman sounded shaken. There was something else in her tone too, but Willow couldn't pinpoint what. Slowly, she started coming back to reality, and the ringing in her ears began to fade. Her gaze flickered nervously to her hands before she looked back at Cere.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled.

Cere pulled her hand back. She seemed to hesitate, then sat down on the floor opposite Willow.

"Tell me what's going on, Willow. Something's clearly bothering you. What happened?"

Willow saw nothing but genuine concern in Cere's eyes. More than anything, she wanted to finally tell someone what was on her mind. But where would she even begin?

Willow took a deep breath. She fidgeted with her fingers before she finally started to speak.

"I guess... it's just been a lot, you know? Different universe and all," she said with a short laugh. "Today just doesn't seem to be my day, Cere. Nothing serious."

"For something 'not serious,' you sure shook up the Mantis pretty good," Cere replied. The phrasing was funny, but her tone was nothing but serious.

"Oh, that," Willow waved it off. "I'm terribly sorry about that. It was a small outburst, which really shouldn't have happened. I haven't had an outburst like that in a while. I'm a little embarrassed you all had to witness it."

"We were definitely startled, I'll tell you that much. Greez especially. He thought you were going to send him to his doom."

Willow couldn't help but grin. She felt guilty about the outburst, but she could practically picture how the captain must have reacted. Then her expression fell.

Cere cleared her throat. "Willow, why did you have this outbursts?"

Willow's eyes darted to Cere. She hadn't expected the directness. Anxiously, she thought of an answer that wouldn't reveal too much about her personal feelings.

"Um..." she hesitated. Damn.

"Today's failures frustrated me. Nothing serious. It started during our combat training. Later, I tried to practice a spell that I've never quite been able to pull off. Back on Kashyyyk, I was making good progress, but today there was nothing. I'll do better to control my frustration in the future, I promise."

Restlessly, Willow pressed her right thumb repeatedly into her left palm. When she glanced up, she had to swallow hard. Cere knew that wasn't the whole story. She definitely knew.

"I can understand that you're frustrated, Willow. But it's clear there's more to it. Do you want to talk about it?"

Cere was looking at her knowingly. She knew it had to do with Cal. For sure. Willow glanced toward the door, which was still open. She shifted further away from it and leaned against the bed. Cere followed her, and the door closed. It took Willow a few tries before any actual words came out of her mouth.

"I don't know, Cere," she began, almost in a whisper.

"I thought Cal and I were good friends. Just last night, we had a wonderful conversation. But today, he's so different," she continued, her voice cracking. Cere had moved closer, and Willow kept talking.
"He's so distant, out of nowhere. It's... it's throwing me off. I don't know why he's suddenly like this. Is it me? Did I do something wrong? And why is it affecting my magic so much? I've never felt like this before, Cere."

Willow looked directly into the ex-Jedi's eyes. Her own were filled with tears she was barely able to hold back. Saying it all out loud hurt even more than writing it down. Cere gently placed a hand on Willow's arm.

"Willow, do you remember our conversation at night?"

Willow nodded hesitantly. She had a feeling where this was going.

"Good. Because I think Cal likes you."

Surprised, Willow's eyes shot up. She hadn't expected that.

"Don't look so shocked! You two have been through a lot together. You've been by his side on most of his adventures, and that bonds people. You're honest and unafraid to let him know where he stands with you. But Willow, that's exactly what I tried to explain to you. For Cal, it's much more complicated," Cere said, giving Willow a caring look.

"What do you mean? Did you talk to him about this?" she asked, unable to hide the hint of panic in her voice. The thought made her uncomfortable, and she could feel the warmth rising in her cheeks.

Cere shook her head.
"No, I didn't. But I've noticed that he's... behaving differently. Willow, you need to understand something. Jedi have rules they must follow, one of which is avoiding emotional attachments. I think... Cal is caught in a difficult situation. On one hand, nothing is more important to him than adhering to the Order's rules. On the other, I believe he likes you and doesn't know how to deal with that. I think that's why he's keeping his distance, to avoid breaking the old rules."

Willow furrowed her brow. Strangely, Cere's explanation made sense. It sounded plausible, and Willow could understand the reasoning behind it. Slowly, she nodded her head.
"Okay. But that still doesn't explain why the spell worked even less well today than it did before," Willow said, looking at Cere in frustration.

"Hmm. You know, Willow, I'm not a magician, but I do have a lot of life experience. Based on this morning's training, I think your setbacks might be due to your emotional turmoil. It's hard to think clearly or focus when you're so emotionally unsettled."

"Of course," Willow muttered.

She felt a bit silly. She should've figured that out on her own. Her emotions were getting in the way, and that was affecting not just her training but also her success with the Patronus spell.
"I thought if I just focused hard enough, it would work," she said. "But maybe it's not that... maybe it's because I'm feeling so confused."

Cere nodded in agreement.
"That sounds like a good place to start. It's not always about being perfect or having everything under control. Sometimes, it's enough just to acknowledge where you are. Don't suppress your emotions, accept them. Go at your own pace and be patient with yourself, Willow. I know it's hard. But sometimes, that's the only way to move forward."

"Yeah," Willow breathed. "You're right. Thank you."
She gave Cere a genuine smile.

Then, before she could think, a question slipped out. A question that had been burning on her tongue.
"But... what do I do now? With Cal, I mean. How am I supposed to act around him?"

Cere seemed thoughtful. She let her gaze wander around the room. After a few minutes, which felt like an eternity to Willow, she finally responded.
"Give him time. He needs to figure out for himself what this is and how to handle it. Try not to push him further into a corner, give him some space. That doesn't mean you should ignore him or avoid him, just wait until he's ready. He'll let you know, for sure."

Willow's shoulders felt as if the weight of the entire universe had been lifted from them. The conversation with Cere gave her unexpected clarity and calm - exactly what she needed right now. To her own surprise, she felt happy. Happy that she could finally see things clearly again. Willow excitedly placed a hand on Cere's and gave her the brightest smile she could muster.
"Thank you, Cere," she smiled.

Cere grinned back before getting up from the floor.
"Anytime. But before you go back to the living area, you really should wash your face. You look like you haven't slept in three years."

With a quick "I will," from Willow, Cere turned and left the room. Willow sat there for a moment longer before doing as she was told. So it wasn't her. For once, she wasn't to blame. For once, Willow wasn't the problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3.305 Words,

so that's another, kind of, long chapter. i hope y'all are not tired of the relationship between Cal an Willow right now. just, after every High follows a Low. and soon enogh, after this Low will be another High. i promise!

feel free to let me know what u think :)

till next time
~Alice