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TW: Suicidal thoughts

I remember the day I decided I wanted to die.

It was bitterly cold, the mist of the sea turned into needles as the wind rushed by me. I could feel it stinging my bare skin and tearing my matted hair. I must've looked as hopeless as I felt, I was more than ready to end my miserable existence if it meant some peace from the wreckage of my mind.

As I placed my foot on the edge, the small stones fell into the sea. What would it feel like? Would it be quick? Would it be painful? I've heard so many stories from grizzled sailors about the sea taking people mercilessly from their ships and dragging them to the abyss. Some survived but most drowned. I knew that if I leapt off the edge of the cliff, it would solve nothing...but I wanted to do it anyway.

Morbid thoughts aside, what else could I do but brood on the edge of a cliff?

"What will you achieve if you jump?"

I would've slipped if I didn't grab onto one of the branches of a bare tree. I placed my other hand on the boulder to keep myself from slipping on the rocks.

The man in front of me smiled despite my glare. I didn't know if it was out of pity or politeness or just pure compassion. Whatever it was, it was hiding something on that man's face.

I pressed my back against the boulder, my hand still curved around the pendant in my hand. It was still warm but it did not vibrate in my hand as it usually did.  There was magic but not enough to threaten me. Well...not yet anyway.

"What business is it of yours, Sir," I hissed out the last word. "Can you not see I'm busy?"

"Oh. Doing what exactly?"

I looked around. "What do you think?"

He quirked up an eyebrow. "That brings me back to my previous question. What will you accomplish by doing this?"

"Find your own place to jump, old man." My grip loosened on the tree branch. "Leave me be to my fate. This is better than I deserve."

"Hmm." He hummed to himself. "What a waste. Shall we make a deal?"

"No."

"You might like it."

"I politely decline. Ask again, and I'll be less so."

"Such a sharp tongue for someone so young," he sighs, taking off his hat. It was the only thing protecting him from the onslaught of rain. "What is it that you want?"

I turned my eyes back to the churning sea. "An end to everything."

"So you give up?"

"I do not need this, I do not want your judgement," I say, turning my back to him. I didn't want to see his face. If I did, I might have some hope and hope is a dangerous, fickle thing. "This is my choice and you can't change my mind. Kindly leave, sir."

The man hummed, retracting his hand.

I glanced at him through my hair. He was old, maybe a few decades my senior. Dark hair stained at the temples with silver, lively blue eyes, and a stern pair of lips framed with a bushy moustache. I don't know how this man ended up on my island but I didn't care. A man dressed in a fine wool coat and a silk craver meant only one thing—money.

And lots of it too. A lesser person would be tempted. A lesser person would kill.

I am not that type of person, I am so much lower.

"At least May I know the reason?" He asked. "So many wonderful things to live for and here you are at the edge of the cliff. I don't know what brought you here but I do know that there's no such thing as being truly hopeless."

I sighed through my nose sharply. All I wanted was a few clear moments before I flung myself off this cliff and here was an old man determined to annoy me to death.

Between the waves and him, I'd rather take my chances with the sea.

"As if someone like you would be interested in my circumstances?" I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest as the wind picked up. "Go back to your castle and stay near your fires. Don't give me any false courtesy...or hope. I won't accept it."

There was a tempest approaching. I could smell the scent of the sea on the wind and feel the crackle of electricity in the air. It was close, so very close. I could feel it in my bones.

"You'd be surprised," he said. He held out his hand again, this time his gloves were gone. "Those circumstances are what have shaped you to become like this. That's what I need."

"I don't understand." I gazed down at his pale palms. "Speak clearly, old man."

A trade must always be fair, never unequal. Nothing more and nothing less.

That is what I have been taught since a young age. This did not feel fair.

"You are like a lump of metal abandoned in a forgery. Perhaps I can sharpen you into a glorious sword, decorate you with gold and rubies," He said calmly. "My enemies are great and powerful, I need a strong person to fight against them."

"What are you asking?"

"Become my heir."

I scoff at his foolish attempts. "Do you have no sons, old man?"

"One is dead," he said. His eyes shifted towards the horizon, looking for something I couldn't see. "The other is...not fond of me."

"I am not strong."

"It is during our weakest moment that we discover our truest strength." He said, settling his gaze on me. I felt as if I was made of glass, almost as if he could see through me. "Will you take my hand? It's cold up here and my ship is warm. Come with me. I can teach you everything, I can make you strong as steel and as terrifying as an approaching tempest."

I looked out towards the horizon once again. And I saw nothing.

It was fitting.

My life was like a sky full of stars, filled with endless possibilities and now I had more in common with the empty horizon. The stark contrast wasn't lost on me. It's just...terrifying.

I didn't know what type of man he was. He could be a crooked noble or an ignorantly righteous man. To join hands with him was a gamble.

But...I'm willing to make that choice.

As I stood at the edge of the cliff I didn't think about what would happen after. I thought about how I would die. What if I had broken my neck and died slowly? What if I landed in the sea and drowned? What if regretted my choice the moment I stepped off the edge?

The truth is that I am a coward in the face of death. I hate that it takes a stranger to make me realize this.

Although I court the idea of it, I cannot find myself going through it knowing that it will be a painful end and yet my will to live has been exhausted. I live in a strange paradox of not wanting to live and not wanting to die.

But if I said yes...what would that mean?

Being alive doesn't just mean breathing and eating. It requires a mind strong enough to bear the onslaught of the tides of life like a sturdy bow of a ship.

I am a wreck stranded on a desolate shore.

Could I stay alive? If not for myself but for others? Is that feasible?

I can hear the waves crashing onto the cliffside, sending the spray of the sea into the air. I am afraid. So very, very afraid.

Can a coward learn to be brave?

With this man's offer, I do not intend to live for myself. My choices in the past do not give me that luxury. At least I live on knowing that I've done something useful.

Perhaps I can live on...just for now.

"F-fine. Make me your heir," I said, grasping his hand. I could feel the familiar sting of magic hit me like a jolt of lightning, it nearly brought me to my knees but I kept firm. "I'll pledge my life to you so...give me one worth living for."

He smiled and I didn't know how to receive the warmth of his hand.

"I plan to."

"You never told me your name."

"Charles. Charles Sable, Duke of Florentia." He grinned, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "Does my new heir have a name?"

"Miranda," I said as he pulled me away from the edge of the cliff. "I have no last name, not anymore. I have no title to present to you. I have nothing. Just what you see before you."

"That is more than enough."

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