Standing outside the military base shouldn't have been as hard as it was. As everyone had reminded me a countless number of times over the last couple weeks, Adam wasn't Jesse. He would come home. He'd come back just as Chip had, even if it was with a little PTSD, he'd be alive.

But as I rested my head against Logan's chest and watched Lea completely break down in my roommate's arms, I couldn't help but feel my heart shatter for and with hers. I hadn't known but three and a half months, with the exception of Logan, but felt as if I'd spent my entire lifetime with them. They were my friends, my brothers, my family. And as much as the resentment for my brother lingered, I couldn't help but grateful that with his death he gave me a new life.

"I love you." Lea said for the hundredth time, burying her face against Adam's chest. "You better come back to me, do you understand?"

Adam wiped her cheeks and whispered something to her before she finally stepped away and allowed for everyone else to say goodbye. Collin, who was perched on top of his sedan, was staring at the scene with a longing, and I couldn't help but want to cry more. Collin had left a couple days after our late night conversation, promising he'd still be coming around. Which he did, especially when Logan was at the gym late at night and I had morning classes the next day and couldn't join him. But the emptiness of his room just left a coldness in his bedroom, through the entire house.

"You know, I never thought the first real heartbreak I'd feel was with a dude." Collin commented, approaching Adam. "Gonna miss you and all your OCD glory, man."

Adam laughed and they hugged. It wasn't one of those dumb half-hearted guy hugs, but a full, tight embrace, like one brothers may share. "Eh, try not to get into too much trouble while I'm gone. Maybe this will be a good opportunity for you to learn to clean up after yourself. I'll make sure Emily isn't doing it for you."

They both laughed and said a few more words between them before one more hug and Collin was back on my left, leaning against the fender of his car. When Logan didn't feel my budge in the slightest he dropped his arm from around me and crossed the small space that divided him from our roommate, our friend. Adam looked as if he didn't know what to say, but it seemed to be fine, because Logan didn't say anything either. He just pulled the shorter boy into a hug, and though he didn't say a word, I knew there was a silent understanding between the two.

"You better come home." Logan was saying with his eyes. "I can't lose you too."

Adam squeezed Logan's shoulder and nodded in my direction, the first actual conversation between the two finally spoken. "Take care of her, Logan. She needs you. You can't go running back again. This time is different. This time you have Emily. Don't be a dumbass and lose that. I love you man, but I stand by my threat. I will find my way back to you and kill you if you hurt her in any way."

Logan smiled weakly. "I know. Love you too, man. Take care of yourself out there."

Adam nodded curtly as Logan wandered back over to me, or Collin for that matter, as he purposely left me standing alone so I was forced to go to Adam, or Adam to come to me. Lea, who had still only been a few feet from her boyfriend, passed me with a comforting squeeze of my shoulder and sat on the other side of Collin, away from Logan. Collin draped an arm comfortingly over her shoulder and whispered something I couldn't catch. I guess having sisters had definitely taught him how to comfort women.

"If you don't say anything you'll regret it, Em." Logan said from behind me, crossing his arms over his chest. "Go."

I fought the urge to flip him off and go sit in the car like a child, but I knew he was right. Though I had said goodbye to Jesse, there had been so much left unsaid, and now that he was gone and I couldn't say a thing, those words are still in the back of my head.

"I understand you're upset, Emily." Adam said as I slowed to a stop in front of him. "But we can't leave shit like this."

I wiped at my cheeks and nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. It. . . It's just every time I think about you being shipped out there, I think of Jesse and the fact that he never came home. That he never really got to say goodbye."

"Emily, I'm not Jesse. Jesse had a death wish, a plan, going out there. My plan is to fight for my damn country, then come home to my family. Absolutely nothing will change that."

As much as the words hurt being said aloud, it was nothing but the truth. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him, nodding. "Please, please call or write when you can. And please, Adam, please come back to us."

With a few whispered words of reassurance, he squeezed me tightly one last time. "Take care of boys, yeah?"

I looked toward Logan and Collin, both watching us with sadness clear in their eyes. Lea was trying to clean herself up, but I knew as soon as I walked over to join them and hug her, she'd fall apart all over again.

"Always."

**

It had taken the last week to convince her, but Lea had agreed to move in next semester and transfer the credits she had to the University. We'd offered her Collin's room, but she'd assured she'd be fine taking Adam's while he was gone. I understood. It was her way of feeling as if he were right next to her, it was why even though Logan and I were pretty much unofficially a couple, I still occasionally slept in my brother's bed.

But stepping out of the bathroom after my shower in nothing but a towel, I couldn't help but linger in the empty hallway and stare at the vacant rooms behind and beside me. I had grown so used to the loud music blaring from Collin's room, and the constant shooting from Adam's video games, that hearing nothing but the chaos out on the streets was eerie.

Collin had promised to be in every other day or so until Lea moved in so I'd have company, but had to be home with his sister tonight for whatever reason, so I was left to bask in the loneliness on my own.

Thankfully, Logan decided to cut his late night short and walked through the front door as I was heading back for the bedroom, a mess of red. I hoped it was paint from Jesse's memorial portrait, but had the sinking feeling it may be blood.

"Definitely a great welcome." He winked, shutting the door behind him. "Though it would have been better without the towel."

I smiled a little at the comment but walked into the room to find clothes, not sure I wanted to talk too much right now.

"Emily, baby, they're fine. Both of them." Logan followed me into the room, tossing his back pack on the floor beside his bed. "I promise you that Collin won't break his promise and all that. And Adam is going to be just fine, alright?"

I sat at the end of his bed watching as he crossed the room to me in silence. Once he reached me, he touched one of his messy hands to my cheek. Relieved that it was paint, I rested my hand on top of his and looked up at him.

"You know, that's not even the worse part of it all." I said softly.

"Yeah? What is?"

I pretended to sniffle, "That they all thought it'd be okay to leave me with you. You can't even fold your own clothes."

"Ha ha." Logan rolled his eyes but a genuine smile stretched across his face at the comment. He leaned down and kissed me gently, blue eyes glistening with amusement. "I'm going to go clean up. Wanna join me?"

"As tempting as that sounds," I touched my thumb to his bottom lip, "I have an essay I need to finish. Maybe next time."

He kissed me once more before grabbing a pair of boxers from the laundry I'd folded a few hours ago and heading out of the room. I grabbed one of his shirts from the closet and a pair of underwear before throwing myself down on Jesse's bed. But the moment I logged on to my laptop and a picture of my brother and I popped up, I didn't go and write as I should, but went on to my email to find the messages I'd received about the autopsy results and everything in regards to my brother's death. After staring it for a moment, I deleted anything negative and went back to the gallery of pictures I'd uploaded from my phone and started flipping through them.

The first picture we were young, probably no older than two and four, but Jesse had a grab on my hand and was dragging me behind him across a playground. The second we were older, probably closer to eight and ten, with Logan standing between us with his arms crossed, grinning ear to ear. As I flipped to the next one, I couldn't help but feel my heart sink and the difference in Jesse's expression. He was closer to thirteen in the picture, Mom and Dad had made us take a picture for his first day of middle school, but that had also been the first day of his endless torment. Sure, he'd gotten a lot of crap in elementary too, but middle school had been horrible for him. If Logan hadn't been with him half the time, I was sure he would have been shoved around by the "cool" kids every day.

The one following it, Jesse looked a little happier, but there was a tormented look shining in his green eyes he was trying to mask. It was my first dance in eighth grade, when I'd finally started to grow into myself. Logan was in the background, photobombing the picture with a goofy smile and bunny ears over my perfectly curled blonde hair. I'd started to turn around to see what he was doing, but had been laughing at something he said in the midst of doing so, and my parents had captured the moment so Logan and I were both laughing, but my brother had no more than a half-smile.

Finally, the last picture was the day we'd left Jesse at the military base. I couldn't remember the picture, but I'd obviously gotten it from one of my parents. I was in between the boys, as it appeared I usually was whenever we took pictures, and it was apparent I'd been crying. My hair was thrown into a messy bun, my eyes glistening with fresh tears, flushed cheeks tear stained, lips chapped. I looked horrible. Logan wasn't even attempting a smile, if anything, he was glaring at my parents behind the camera, one of his arms draped over my shoulder, the other clenched into a fist at his side. My brother wasn't even looking at the camera, but at me beside him, a tear rolling down his cheek at the moment the picture had been taken. He looked as if he knew, deep down, that this was it. That it was the last time he'd see me, hold me, talk to me.

"I should have known." Logan's quiet voice broke me out of my thoughts. I hadn't realized I was crying, but the moment I looked up tears began to hit my keyboard. "The way he was acting, I thought maybe it was just because he was about to go get blown up. I never thought it was because he was going to blow his own head off. But look how he's looking at you, think about how he held you, made you promise shit. It was all a sick fucking game for him."

I closed my laptop and stared at him. "I just hope he feels better wherever he is. That he's not suffering anymore."

"Me too." Logan agreed, offering me his arms. I stood and buried my face against his bare chest, breathing out shakily. "He was too good for this world. He never belonged here. Papa used to say that sometimes people are put into our lives, on our paths, even if it's just to teach us a lesson. And I think that's exactly what Jesse was for all of us. He gave me you and that's something I'll never be able to repay him for. He gave me confidence in myself, he saved my life."

I nodded, not knowing how to respond. Logan continued once he realized I wasn't going to say anything.

"He's still here with us. He always will be. You just have to know where to look for him."

With that, not another word was said about my older brother. Even long after Logan had fallen asleep beside me, I thought about the words he'd said. About how my brother was always with us, no matter what we were, we'd just have to know how to find him. As I looked toward my brother's bed one last time, I saw an image of him sitting upright, staring right back at me with his green eyes glistening with the same tears he had in the photo I'd looked at earlier this evening.

"It's okay." I whispered, careful not to speak loud enough to disturb Logan beside me. "You can go now. I understand."

With a curt nod, I watched my brother dissipate into the air. As I rolled over and moved closer to Logan, for the first time in months I felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted off me.

I had finally let go, now all there was left to do was keep moving forward.