I knew the moment I woke up to seven missed calls, three text messages, and a voicemail from my mom that something was wrong. I had just gotten dressed and walked into the living room when a knock sounded throughout the quiet house. Adam, having been up and cooking, made it to the door before I'd even stepped foot out of the room.

The second his entire body tensed in the doorway; I knew it was my parents. He hadn't known them but had approached them and introduced himself at Jesse's funeral to give his condolences. His thought process must have been the same as mine; them being here couldn't mean anything good.

"Mr. and Mrs. Mayer." He greeted, stepping aside to give them room to come in.

I felt my stomach begin to churn the moment my mother looked from Adam to me a few feet behind him. She looked as bad as she had the night the news had been broken to us. The devastation she wore like, and article of clothing made me physically sick, and I had to grasp the back of the old couch to steady myself. Her eyes, once such a beautiful chocolate brown, were bloodshot and puffy from excessive crying, lips trembling. But something shifted in her eyes upon seeing Adam, then they suddenly darted to something behind me. Rather than follow her gaze to who I could only guess was either Logan or Collin, my eyes fell on my father.

He'd done a pretty good job of holding himself, and our family, together for the last few weeks, but even he looked as if he'd given up the little happiness and hope he'd held close to him.

"What in God's name?" My mom gasped. "You weren't lying?"

I glanced over my shoulder to find Collin, luckily wearing his usual tank top and shorts, leaning against the washer, arms crossed over his chest as he watched the scene before him in curiosity.

"What's going on?" I forced out quietly, deciding it'd be best to deal with my current living situation once I'd figured out what it was that had my parents looking as if they'd lost Jesse all over again. "Are you guys okay?"

The door creaked to my left and Logan stepped out, wearing only a pair of shorts as his eyes drifted back and forth between my parents.

"What's going on?" I could hear the worry in his voice as he straightened himself. "Mr. Mayer?"

My dad waved a hand in his direction, then waved the manila folder in his hand in the air. "I. . . we got Jesse's autopsy report back. We wanted to give it to Em in person because we didn't think it'd be a good idea for her to read it alone, but I suppose that isn't a worry, is it?"

Logan crossed the room in a few graceful strides and swiped the folder out of my father's hand. I saw the same look my mother wore etching its way on to his face, then he slammed the folder shut and handed it back to my dad with a shake of his head.

"She doesn't need to read or see this." Logan said.

I cocked my head to the side. "You don't have the right to speak for me, Logan."

"I do when what's inside will scar and devastate you." He snapped. "Just let it go, Em. Let yourself live in your little bubble and—"

It was his words that made the curiosity in me reach its peak and I joined them in front of the door. Logan grasped my forearm as soon as I was within reach, a pleading look in his eyes.

"Emily, please." He pleaded. "Don't read it."

I could feel Collin's eyes burning into the back of my head, and watched Adam's curious expression soften a little hearing the strain in his roommates voice.

"I have to, Logan."

My dad slowly held the manila folder out to me, his green eyes glistening with tears. "I believe Logan is only looking out for your best interest, Em. If. . . if I didn't know you'd hate us if we withheld this from you and you somehow found out, I would. I don't think you need to read it either."

"I'm an adult, Dad. I can handle it."

I was relieved to find the photos were clipped to the back of the report and it wouldn't be the first thing I faced when I opened the folder. My eyes scanned the paper, the medical and science of it all just a bunch of confusion jargon. It was the end of the report, one sentence, that sent me spiaraling. I hadn't even gotten into the description of the death or anything of the like, it was like the one sentence was being engrained in my mind and I couldn't get it out.

Manner of Death; Suicide

Logan hadn't let go of my forearm, he had known I would collapse the second I saw the word.

"Em." His voice caught in his throat as he lowered us to the ground, afraid I'd completely fall apart if I stayed upright. "Emily."

I wasn't looking at him, but at my mom. The second I'd read the words, the wind had been knocked out of me, and I'd collapsed against Logan. But my mom, sometimes in the midst of my scene, had broken down again and was fiddling with the door knob before she could start crying in front of me. My dad squeezed Logan's shoulder before chasing my mother down out in the hallway.

"What?" Collin edged closer to us, feeling as though my parents departure was his cue to grab a hold of the file and get a look for himself. "Shit."

Adam joined his roommate a moment later and read the paper, mouthing the words as his brain internalized them. His eyes slowly moved from the folder to me, sympathy shining in his gray eyes. "I don't know what to say."

To my surprise, it was Logan who stood, leaving Collin at my side in his place, to start speaking on the matter.

"What needs to be said is Jesse was a coward. He was a fucking coward!" Logan snapped, but I could see the agony in his blue eyes as his clenched fists began to tremble at his sides. "He couldn't even fight for the damn country. The second things got hard, he took his gun and shot himself in the head. Not giving two shits about any of us."

"Logan." Collin snapped, eyeing me cautiously beside him. "Calm down, bro."

I stood quickly, shaking both Collin and Logan off when they reached for me and rushed for the bathroom, throwing up until I was dry heaving, ready to cough up a lung. I reached up to lock the door and forced myself back against the bath tub, then brought my legs to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I then buried my face in my hands and screamed, out of anger, out of pain, out of denial. It wasn't long after that I felt my body begin to ravage with sobs, and for the first time since the night of Jesse's death, I allowed myself to feel.

*

I knew one of the guys was outside the door for the couple hours I was in the bathroom. Luckily, they had another bathroom down the hall, though it was filthy, it worked. I heard Collin leave for practice about an hour ago, so it was either Adam or Logan outside the door, and I was pretty sure it was the latter considering not a word had been spoken. Adam, in the week I'd been here, had tried to comfort me as much as possible, especially through his words. He would have broken the silence by now.

I lifted my head slowly as soon as the door clicked and swung open. Logan stood in the doorway, fully clothed now, holding an old gift card in between his index finger and thumb. He slipped it into the pocket of his shorts before sitting against the bathtub beside me.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly.

"For what?" My voice was hoarse from the throwing up and crying I'd spent the last few hours doing in a vicious cycle.

"Everything, I guess. What I said about Jesse earlier, it wasn't true. He wasn't a coward, he just. . . he just couldn't live with himself anymore, I guess."

I sniffled, turning away from Loagn and staring at the white shower curtain. "I should have just listened to you and my dad and not read it."

"We could have got down on our hands and knees and begged you to forget about it, Emily, but you wouldn't have. If Jesse had it in him to love anyone in this shitty world, it was you. He put you so high on a pedestal that it'd be impossible for you to fall off." Logan touched a comforting hand to my shoulder. "He loved you, Emily. Apparently more than himself."

"He loved you too." I responded in a hushed whisper, afraid I'd be faced with more pain if I spoke any louder. "He idolized you. You were there when nobody else was and even though he's gone, I will always be grateful that you were there. I always have been."

"I'm a shitty person to idolize." Logan snorted. "Definitely don't know why he'd ever do something like that."

I started to stand shakily, grasping the edge of the bathtub for stability. Logan was on his feet when I turned around, straightening myself.

"You're going to be okay, Emily." Logan assured, hesitated for a minute, then pulled me into his warm embrace. "You're going to be okay."

I knew that the words weren't directed toward me, no matter how hard he'd tried to convince himself of they were, but to himself.

"Logan." I pulled away, staring up at him. His usually guarded eyes were glistening with fresh tears, the blue in them almost pulsating.

"Hmm?"

I reached out and touched his forearm, praying for once in his life he'd listen to someone else. "Please don't do fall back into them. Please."

I didn't have to elaborate on what it was I was referring to, but the tears in his eyes managed finally broke passed and started to roll down his cheeks in silence. I waited for him to assure me he wouldn't, that his addict past was just that; the past. But he didn't. Instead he brushed my hair out of my eyes, kissed my forehead, then slipped passed me and out of the bathroom, leaving me to stare after him.

*

Adam tip toed around me as soon as I joined the living again in the kitchen. He set a plate of pancakes and eggs in front of me with a hopeful look, but I knew he had a pretty good idea what my appetite looked like right now. The rest of the day was just that; Adam and I alone in the condo, him walking on eggshells around me as if he were in fear I'd break at any moment. It wasn't until Collin walked back in around eight, after Adam's explained he had somewhere to be in the morning and was turning in early, that I was brought back to life.

"Nope." Collin threw himself over the sofa and landed on the cushion beside me with a smirk. "None of that mopey crap."

"Did you not—" I started, but he flipped through the channels with a shake of his head, cutting me off before I could finish.

"I read it." He answered. "And I know that you and Logan were much closer to him then I ever was, so it'll be harder for you to come to terms with it, but even Jesse himself wouldn't want you walking around the place like a zombie, Emily. He'd want you to live, to be happy, to learn to appreciate and understand a world without him in it."

His words rendered me speechless, but I couldn't deny the fact that he was right.

"I was doing a lot of thinking at practice today, even back at my friend's dorm." Collin went on, knowing I wasn't in any mood to respond. "If. . . if what the report said was true, it makes sense why he sent you here."

"What do you mean?" I croaked, shifting my body so I was facing him.

He sighed, running a hand along his jaw. "I thought it was crazy and strange that he'd just give you his keys when he deployed and not say a thing about us being here. But hear me out, okay? If his. . . if he knew he was going to do what he did months ahead of time, don't you think maybe he had a plan laid out?"

"You think he planned to kill himself all along?" I whispered. "Collin—"

"I think that he was done with trying to live when all he had was resistance against him. I think that he thought being a marine would be different, but that it was his last chance at redemption. When he realized it wasn't what he had wanted it to be, he planned everything out. He purposely said nothing about you moving here to us, and us being here to you."

I shook my head, confused. "Why would he do that? Why—"

"Because you would have never agreed to live with three men you didn't know." Collin pointed out. "But Jesse knew us, Emily, keep that in mind. He helped every single one of us and befriended us when we needed someone most. He knew, aside from Logan I guess, that we wouldn't hurt you or force you out. He knew that when. . . when the time came that you'd have us, and we'd have you. He knew with you here that one way or another, you'd be okay. You'd be taken care of and he wouldn't have to worry."

His words were a roundabout explanation of what Logan had told me the other night. About how Jesse had said if I'd ended up with one of them, he wouldn't have to worry about me every second of every day. There was a lot more realistic probabilities in Collin's theory then I cared to admit to myself.

"Now, I have two sisters and like three nieces, okay?" He stood and went to the kitchen. "I know what all girls want when they're upset, even if they won't admit it."

He walked back out with a pint of ice cream and two spoons, stopped at the closet and grabbed a blanket, then threw himself back down on the couch beside me. He offered me a spoon and popped the lid of the ice cream, spreading the blanket over us as he scrolled through the movie list on the screen in front of us.

"Yeah? And what's that?" I felt the faintest hint of a smile on my face as he reached over and hugged me against his side.

"Ice cream, romcoms," he paused and smiled weakly. "And someone to comfort them."