The sun starts setting when the new hospital finally finishes all their tests and leave to check the results. The first hospital made sure Owen is secure and that his lungs didn't collapse after the fall. But when they picked up on the severe spinal cord injury, they told us there was nothing they could do.

So I told them in what gang I am and they immediately organized a helicopter for Owen and I to take us to a hospital up North - about 2 hours away from Tygerwell in flying time.

"This can't be happening," Owen whispers. 

I'm in the seat next to his bed and look up. They have the bed angled so Owen can sit up straight somehow. His legs that he still can't feel or move is under the covers. He looks unnaturally pale and even his copper hair has lots its color. 

"This isn't happening. You're fine. That other hospital was a piece of shit," I reassure my friend.

Owen looks out of it. His dark eyes are in a different memory as he says, "I hate the sound of wheelchair wheels. I hate it. If they tell me I can't walk, Blake... If they tell me I have to sit in a fucking wheelchair the rest of my life and piss through a fucking tube, I need you to be my friend."

"Of course I'll be your friend. I'll always be your friend," I reassure him.

Owen turns to me with a deadly reassurance - his dark eyes even darker than usual when he says, "If they tell me I'm paralyzed, I need you to kill me."

My heart stops at the words. It's a miracle Owen is alive and already he wants to be dead? 

"You're not going to be paralyzed," I say firmly.

He better not.

Owen looks back out in front of him and we wait in silence. The only sound is his heart monitor and the regular beep from other machines. I look around and feel so filthy among the white walls and medical smell. They washed Owen up for the tests, but I'm still in my bloodied leather jacket and pants.

A few more minutes pass before a doctor walks in. On his tag it says: 'Edwarf'. He's a tall man and old too, with thick eyebrows and a permanent frown. The frown stays as he walks in with his clipboard. "I need you boys to listen to me very carefully," the doctor says.

The pit in my stomach grows.

There's another sigh from the doctor before he steps closer and scans his clipboard while talking to us. "Mister Rhodes, I'm afraid to tell you it's not looking too good," he starts with, "You have a complete Lumbar cord spinal injury in the L-one to L-five part of your spine. The nerves in Your L-one and L-two spinal area is completely ruined. I see the previous hospital was smart enough to perform an emergency spinal surgery - which focused on decompressing the cauda equina nerves."

"What does that mean? The Lumbar injury?" Owen asks.

"It means that you have paraplegia - the complete paralyses of the legs. You also have loss of physical sensation, bowel, bladder and sexual dysfunction. However, the good news is that your shoulders, arms and hands are unaffected. You will unfortunately need some external stabilization and-"

"SHUT UP," Owen yells.

The doctor steps back in shock.

I watch Owen turn red and the heart monitor beating faster. "Shut up and tell me if it can be fixed," he demands.

The doctor steps closer to the panic button when he says, "it's ... It's complete injury, Mister Rhodes, but I won't say it's impossible to treat. In such cases initial stages might be just like complete paralysis of your lower limbs but various treatment procedures are there which have proven to be effective. You just need to be regular with your medications and physical therapy till you'll be able to walk again. Only till then you'll be needing assertive devices. I just can't tell you the exact time it would take it may take days, months, years or...."

Doctor goes silent at the unsaid words.

Owen stops from going off at the doctor again and instead falls back onto the bed and closes his eyes. He looks so hopeless. So done.

"What... what does that mean? With time he can walk again?" I ask the doctor.

"There's always a chance that he could walk again if he-"

"That's what they told my father as well, but they're required to say that," Owen answers for me. I look over and my friend still has his eyes closed. "They're not allowed to tell you the truth."

I sit there, utterly still with no idea what to say. There... there must be some hope for Owen. Muscle exercises and physical therapy he could do to develop and maybe heal. Medical advancements should be able to fix this. We have plenty of money to give. This should be able to be fixed.

But as I look over at the doctor, he sends me an apologetic look.

"Leave us for a minute," I ask him and he does.

I stand up and sit next to Owen on his bed. Just over a year ago I would've given anything to see Owen Rhodes die. 

And now I would give anything to see him live.

"Owen-" I start, but he's already interrupting me.

"Please," he begs and opens his eyes to look at me. "Please end this now. You have no idea what's coming. An injury like this... Blake please. I'd rather be dead. I have nothing left to live for. I don't have a purpose," Owen whispers.

It breaks my heart to see him so desperate. "Of course you have things to live for, Owen Rhodes," I tell him.

He shakes his head - tears starting to appear. "I can't ever box again. I can't fight. I don't have a purpose in the gang life anymore. I'm just a burden," he cries.

"What about your sister? What about saving Kelly?" I try.

Owen starts letting out painful cries and tears stream out of his eyes. I've never seen him cry this much before. I've never seen any gang member cry this much before. "How am I going to save my sister in a wheelchair? I failed her. I've failed her, Bowmen!"

I feel my own eyes start to tear up at the words.

"I can help you save her and then you two can leave. Jane won't question it. You're in a wheelchair," I explain.

Owen shakes his head with more tears. "What's the point? You heard the doctor. Along with the bowel and bladder problems, I have 'sexual dysfunction'. I won't be able to ever have a family," he whimpers.

I don't know how to respond. 

I don't think there is anything anyone can say.

Owen turns to me again - his tears finally starting to stop and his voice raspy. "Bowmen, please. After everything we've been through. I'm begging you. The best thing you can do for me is end it," he says. The words are so sure and desperate.

And I know death would be mercy.  In this life, I know that killing Owen would be the biggest favor I could ever do for him.

"Owen... I can't do it," I whisper.

Owen contracts his face in another cry and looks away. 

I feel so useless.

The only person that can talk some sense into him is Amber...

My phone buzzes and I look down at a message from Xavier.

A few more minutes pass of things that need to get sorted. No paperwork has to be signed. Not with the knowledge of who we are. The doctors give Owen a wheelchair and all the equipment he needs for his condition. Medication and antibiotics is also handed out as well as a prescription for when we need more medication.

I don't thank the doctor and just leave with Owen. We stand out in the street without a car. I get my phone out again and download an app that'll has taxis with wheelchair accommodation. It takes forty minutes before someone arrives to pick us up and I tell them to take us to Regn.

Owen doesn't say anything about it.

He doesn't say anything at all and instead stares out of the window.

Clouds come in from the East - Tygerwell's direction and I already know the weather is going to get worse. Winter has arrived, so I'm not surprised. 

Half an hour passes and we get to Regn. It doesn't take long to get to the small, residential house with the number 1604 on the mailbox. The lights are on and there's a Lexus parked at the sidewalk, so I'm cautious when I get out of the taxi. The driver is kind enough to help me get Owen out of the car, but we struggle and I hate how embarrassed and ashamed Owen looks. I want to tell him it's fine and nobody is thinking low of him.

But his expression makes me hesitate.

I pay the driver and start pushing Owen up the sidewalk and through the gate of the front garden. The path is bumpy, so I have to push and pull to get Owen to the front door. I hate myself when we get to the stairs.

"Wait here," I tell Owen and go up to the door to knock.

There's more than one voice inside and the person that comes to open the door is definitely not who I expect.

"Liam?" I ask my ex gang member.

Liam's face probably mirrors the shock on mine. "Uh, Blake," he says.

A part of me wants to yell at Liam for leaving me. A part of me wants to scream at him that he's the only fucking inner gang member that's still alive and that he left me as well.

But the rational part of me wonders if Liam would also have died if he stayed.

"You look good," I end up saying.

"I wish I could say the same of you," Liam smiles and gestures to the bloodied clothes I still have on.

"I see you're still bald," I smile.

"I see you're still a dick," Liam fires back.

I laugh at that one and then stop myself knowing Owen is right behind me. "What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Amber messaged Jessy earlier to bring her dog back since she doesn't have a car anymore," Liam explains.

I nod. Makes sense. "Do you mind helping me?" I ask Liam and step back to go to Owen.

I thank Liam silently for not asking what happened and instead hopping over to help me lift the wheelchair up the steps. I hate to see Owen's loathing expression. It just makes it so much worse knowing there's nothing I can do about it. I push Owen through the door and towards the living room where I hear Amber's voice.

On one of the comfy couches, Amber is sitting with a cup of tea and Jessica is next to her. Pollock is chewing Jessica's shoe.

As soon as Amber sees Owen, she jumps up and runs towards us.

"Owen! You're okay!" she yells and goes to hug my friend.

He doesn't respond and just looks away.

Realizing Owen isn't going to talk, Amber turns to me with concerned eyes. "What did the doctor say?" she asks. The oceans in her eyes turn to brittle little waves.

Not wanting to say it in front of Owen, I only shake my head.

Amber's frown deepens and she looks down at Owen with sad, sad eyes. "Well, let me get you some tea as well," she says and leaves to head to the kitchen.

"Amber, Liam and I should probably leave. We have a long road ahead and haven't fed the cat yet," Jessica explains.

Amber stops in her tracks and looks disappointed, but goes to hug Jessica goodbye all the same. They exchange a few words and promise each other to keep in touch. Liam even comes to greet me goodbye and I wish him luck with the rest of his life. He thanks me and then they're off.

I push Owen further into the living room, next to a chair and go to sit next to him. Amber comes in with two cups of tea and hands them to us. Owen doesn't touch his cup, but I gratefully take a sip of mine. When Amber sits back onto the couch and clutches her cup, I realize it's just us - the dog has gone off to chew something I assume.

"So, here we are," Amber says.

"Here we are," I echo.

Owen stays quiet.

Amber gives a ghostly chuckle and sips her tea. "Who knew that first day would lead to this. Sipping tea in my safe house," she muses.

"Mister Leather Jacket and Mister Fancy Coat," I scoff.

We sit there for a couple hours. It's just Amber and I that talk, but I can feel Owen getting a little more comfortable. When I ask Marigold if we could stay here, she says of course and that she has a spare room at the back - next to the guest bathroom. 

When Owen says something for the first time, it's to tell me he needs to use the bathroom. I feel a little awkward at the words, but fetch the equipment from the back of his wheelchair all the same and push him to the bathroom. I read the instructions to Owen - my back turned while he figures it out. The doctor did say that he can do it himself and I'm honestly grateful for that. When Owen is done, I push him back out and tell Amber I think it's best if we go to sleep now. Owen had a long day.

She shows us to our room and helps me get Owen out of his shirt and onto the bed. I don't comment on the purple - almost black bruise on his lower back. I hate that it gives me comfort knowing he can't feel the pain after I give him his pain pills and antibiotics. 

Amber hands us extra blankets and tells me there's a shower in the guest bathroom if I need it. She bids us good night before going off to be herself - her puppy following her up the stairs.

While Owen stays in bed, I leave to shower and scrub as much blood off of me as I can. I don't have extra clothes, so I get back into my pants before heading to the bedroom again. So unbelievably tired, I get in next to Owen and stare up at the ceiling.

Everything turned out so fucked up.

After another few hours, I hear the soft sound of Owen's breath steadying and I know he's finally asleep.

Me on the other hand?

My mind races with the same words over and over.

Bowmen, please. After everything we've been through. I'm begging you. The best thing you can do for me is end it.

I wonder if it's selfish to keep him alive. I wonder if it makes me the villain to let him suffer. I wonder if it's maybe better to kill him and end his misery. And I wonder if doing so would finally condemn me to hell or redeem me for heaven.

When I look at my phone again, I notice it's past 5 AM already and I haven't even closed my eyes. Realizing there's no chance of sleep, I get up and trudge to the kitchen for water. 

I nearly yell when I walk right into Amber.

"Shit, sorry!" she stage whispers.

"It's okay, Darling," I laugh and try getting my breathing to even out.

She sighs and leans back against the counter before handing me her glass of water.

"Thanks," I say and take it.

There's a few minutes where we just stand there in the silence - thinking about a million things. I finish my water and plan to leave, but then stay when Amber speaks up. "I hate this," she says.

"Hate what?" I ask.

"This. Everything. Owen in a wheelchair. Everyone that's died. I don't even know where Sean went off! I can't contact anyone because my damn phone is blocked from anyone in a gang!" Amber rants.

"You can call Sean on my phone?" I offer.

"You think he'll answer at this time?' she asks.

"You can try," I shrug and hand her my phone.

Desperate, Amber goes to my contacts and immediately calls Sean. Barely a second passes before her face turns to worry and she hands me the phone back.

"He didn't answer?" I ask.

"The phone didn't even ring," she says.

"He left the night the South attacked. If you ask me, he went to start a new life. He wouldn't keep his phone if that was the plan," I explain to Amber.

She nods to herself. "Yeah. That's it. Sean has moved on. He's happier now," she says.

Again, silence breathes in the space between us. In the darkness, I watch the clock tick on. The sun will rise soon. 

"You're lucky though," I say out of nowhere.

I watch Amber frown when she looks back at me. "How so?" she asks. Her blonde hair looks dark in the shadows and I realize I have to be careful about my words.

"You get to leave the gang life. You get to start a new life in this little town. You can get a cool job. Live a normal life. Maybe find someone special one day. Someone without a dark history and sad backstory. Someone happy and funny and that can make you laugh and forget about all the awful things that has happened. You can heal to the point where you can perhaps in a few years, start a family without the worry that you could get attacked. You have a shot at peace, Amber," I explain.

And I'm honestly so jealous of Amber for having that. Of having that without me.

There's a pause before Amber gives me a piece of her mind. "You think that's what I need? You think that with the darkness inside of me that doesn't leave, what I need is a funny guy that can make me forget? You think a normal life will bring me peace? Let me tell you something Blake Bowmen, you are severely mistaken. A funny, happy guy isn't going to know what the fuck to do with me when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming because I can literally see Calvin and Matt dead on the floor or Lynch getting shot or Sean withering away or Jack burning or just the pain on everyone's face. A funny guy isn't going to understand that there are days where I still can't paint in red. A happy guy isn't going to understand that sometimes I have to become silver to cope.

"A cool job isn't ever going to compare to the unbelievable rush I feel when fighting and making plans. No fucking job out there will ever make me feel as alive as I feel when I push myself. When I win, when I lose, when I know my life is on the line. I was born and bred for this life. I might wear vintage clothes and paint and have a golden fucking heart, but oh my God, Blake do I feel alive in that messed up world of guns and cars and blood. You have no idea how insane I found myself becoming while I was away. How pathetic I was to try and find adventure in the most mundane, boring situations

"And I don't care about having a family. I don't care about peace and safety when those are the things making me suffocate. As much as it hurts me to see all the pain this life causes, it's so much better to look straight at the faces suffering than turn a blind eye and be absolutely fine while everyone is paying the price. I don't want that. I'd rather die young and alive than grow old and be dead on the inside. I'd rather give up the possibility of a family than lose the one I have now," Marigold goes off.

When she's done, she's breathing heavily.

And I realize right here that the golden girl I've learned to love, never even existed.

It's always been this. This creation of silver and gold and blood disguised behind her paint and smile and heart.

It hurts me so much knowing that I'm in love with someone that doesn't exist.

A painful reality slowly comes to my mind and I finally understand why there's always been that annoying tension between her and Xavier. I finally know why I continued to hate him even after realizing he's not the enemy.

Because it's Xavier. It's Xavier that saw the real Amber while the rest of us just saw the golden girl.

Even if I hate it, I know Amber deserves to know the truth.

And even if I try to deny it, I've become so much like my mother the last year. All the lies... All the scheming... I don't want to be like that. I want to be better. 

"There's a reason I was so desperate to marry you," I start off with. Amber waits for my explanation and I take in a breath to get it out.

"There's a reason that when Xavier found out Jane is the Sterling leader, he was so amendment on marrying her. See, he couldn't join the gangs with bound blood and the only thing stronger that bound blood, is marriage," I explain.

I push myself, will myself to get this out. "The night Xavier shot you, we were in chaos. He... he left to get his phone and then immediately scooped you up and yelled at us to get in the car. We raced back to my place and Xavier already called to the hospital to bring their best team. When they realized your heart wasn't working, your uncle stabbed himself to force the doctors to try his heart. His blood type matched up, but his heart... it wasn't a fit. In the rush, the doctors couldn't make it work. Hours passed with machines keeping your uncle's heart pumping and function while trying to keep you going as well," I say.

"Then Xavier asked them to check his blood. He was a match and... and I couldn't understand why he demanded the doctors to use his heart for you and your uncle's heart for him. I tried convincing myself he was doing it so your blood could bind, but I was too desperate for you to live to stop him. Throughout the two day operation, I wished Xavier would die in the process. But... he pushed through and woke up with your uncle's heart. He stayed by your side for days. I thought he only wanted you alive so the gangs could merge. He left rarely in those three months. There was nothing we could do about it,

"After you woke up, I feared he would play the bound blood card and take you away, but he didn't. He waited. Took his time. So, I tried getting you to marry me to over rule the bond. And well... then Jane happened and I understood why Xavier kept your bond a secret," I continue to say.

"Amber, you've been the North's co-leader for over a year now," I say slowly.

I watch Amber clutch the counter to keep standing. She looks down at her chest and reaches with her hand to touch her heart. "Xavier literally gave me his heart?" she asks in shock.

"Yes," I answer.

"I've... I've really been the North's co-leader all this time?" she ask in disbelief.

"Yes," I repeat.

She continues to look down at her heart - Xavier's heart. I hear her softly muttering that she's been a leader all this time. That she isn't just nothing or a nobody and she's someone important. When she looks back up me, a different kind of fear is in her eyes.

"Where is Xavier?" she asks.

"He's leaving for Tygerwell soon. I don't know if you'll make it in time," I admit.

Amber steps away from the counter and looks taller than ever when she says: "I have to stop him."

Helloooo goldies!

FIRSTLY PLEASE DON'T SPOIL THIS ON INSTAGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plot twist number 6493027 is finally revealed!!!!!! Ahhhhh you have no idea how long I've been waiting to reveal it. XAVIER LITERALLY GAVE AMBER HIS HEART.

Honestly, if you're not a Xamber shipper after this, you're just stubborn.

Who is shocked at the twist?

I know some of y'all predicted it and it was my fault because I just mentioned it and foreshadowed it a bit too much, but eh. 

~ Holly Shmit