11:8:19

Him

I miss him. I know it ended months ago but suddenly I understand why I didn't feel very much when it happened. It's because all of the pain is sinking in now. It's like the exhaustion that sets in after the adrenaline fades. I miss everything about him. His hair, his smile, his laugh, his face. The silly videos we sent back and forth of us singing our favorite songs. The dumb jokes we would tell. Everything. I miss his understanding. After feeling so alone about everything I was going through, I finally had someone who knew what it was like to walk in my shoes or if he didn't, he tried to understand. And now that that's gone? Its like going through withdrawal. Suddenly the carpet is pulled from under my feet and I'm back to falling, helplessly. You know I think I was in love with him. I'm not entirely sure, and this may sound naive and cliche but I had never felt the way I had with him before. Even when he told me that there was this girl he liked, who obviously wasn't me, I encouraged him. Of course, it stung like the tiniest pinch, but I knew she would make him happy. I was upset that I couldn't be the one to make his happiness, but I knew that she could, and the only thing that mattered was that he got what he deserved; to be happy. I remember when he confided in me about someone he had been in love with for a long time but she didn't even notice him now. I remember the pain he felt and how badly I wanted to make it go away. Seeing him that way was hard for me, especially because I couldn't help him. That seemed to be the problem quite often. No matter how much I tried I couldn't put things back together, I couldn't make the pieces fit. I wanted to so badly. So desperately that I tried and tried and tried. I didn't give up. I couldn't let myself. I know that it needed to be done and I had to let him go because there was no future there. Despite how much I wanted there to be there simply wasn't. And so I let him go. I did. But now it hurts. Now I miss him. I miss everything about him, everything. I miss his kindness. I miss his heart. I miss his stories. It weighs in my heart like a block of ice. A block of ice that sometimes tries to go up my throat, and that is when I cry. A block of ice that sinks heavy in my stomach. A block of ice that cannot melt, no matter how much heat there is. I can't wait for someone to understand again. You can't possibly imagine the way I dream of that person to come into my life. Maybe that it why I miss him so much. Because I realize that there is no one there for me the way he was and there is no one who I get along with quite like I did with him. It's like there can't be anyone like that; no one but him. That one person. And that one person is gone. The longing in my heart is tension in my head and weight in my feet. I can't seem to escape it. While sometimes, I forget, just for a little while, and I don't feel that longing in my heart or the tension in my head or that weight in my feet. But it still looms. Quietly, but greatly. Like the clouds you see before a storm, that you ignore for as long as you can until it starts to rain. But the rain will go away, the rain will go away. I have to keep telling myself that as to convince myself. To reassure myself although I am not too sure and I am not so convinced. To try and lie to myself. I suppose we all lie to ourselves. Even in the lies we tell others. We are still lying to ourselves. I am lying to myself. I think I did that a lot when I had him. But I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to have to convince myself. I'm tired of pretending. I think that's why I liked him so much. He felt so real. He didn't lie and he didn't build up walls. He opened the gates and was honest. It was refreshing. It felt nice to have that with someone. It felt nice to have that with him.

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