My current state of mind is full of many things. The most thing, however, is depression. I've done many things wrong in life, and have failed many times too, so many I cant count. I fail at almost everything I do, and I believe I will never truely get anything right. Even if I mess up the smallest thing, my brain starts scolding me and cussing me out. I know this sounds ridiculous to many people, thinking that I'm just trying to get attention. I'm not, but sometimes I want more attention than I get because I feel as though no one wants me around, and the world would be better off without me.

My brain is a perfectionist, and won't be satisfied until I'm perfect too, which will never happen. Whenever I fail, make someone angry or upset, or even by failing an Algebra test, it curses me out, and scolds me. It also pressures me to self-harm as punishment. I have slapped, punched, scratched, and abused myself in other ways. Sometimes I don't even eat as punishment, my brain telling me that I'm fat anyway.

My depression might be caused by the tons of bullying and abuse I've received over the years. Not much of physical abuse, but mental abuse. My dad has never loved me, mostly of a certain physical disease (I look normal, don't worry) which causes my muscles to ware away within time. My stepmother also didn't like me, and still doesn't, and my first step dad wasn't great either. I have a fear of the dark, tickling, and suffocation because of those two. I've finally have a stepfather that loves me, yes, but I still have nightmares and thoughts about him one day betraying us, and abusing us. I just know that, if something like that ever happens, I can go on without a father.

School was never really kind to me. I was bullied from Kindergarten to 9th (my last grade), and that didn't help my life either. I had a few friends, yes, but most of them betrayed me, and cause my lack of trust in people. This causes me to distrust my friends sometimes, which I hate myself for. I've been called fat, ugly, psycho, bitch, slut, whore, freak, and many other horrible nicknames in my life. I have also been grabbed and touched in school a few times, but I hardly tell the teaches and principle because they don't do crap about it.

All of this caused me to become very hostile and violent in my 5th-7th grade years, threatening almost everyone that caused trouble for me, and I even stabbed a classmate of mine in 5th grade because he wouldn't stop pulling it, saying it was ugly as shit. The teachers didn't believe him when he said I stabbed him because he made crap like that up all the time, and since I was "innocent" to the teachers, they didn't believe him when he said I stabbed him. I acted innocent to keep the teachers happy. Kids at school feared me for a reason, and one time they parted like the Red Sea in the hallway when I was walking to class.

I then went to my current school in 7th grade, and thinking it'd be the same thing as my last one, I was still hostile and threatening. Every kid that looked at me funny got a threat, and I told some kids that if they tried to talk shit about what I read (manga) in class, it would be their death sentence. My friend Bri was the first to try to talk to me, and even though I was hostile towards her at first, she kept trying to be her friend. Bri was my first step out of my darkened, abusive, suicidal mind, and I have to take many more steps to this day. I later gained more friends throughout middle and high school, but I still have my dark side, which is like I was back in elementary school. Some kids fear me for a reason in school. As my motto is: You either love me, fear me, or you're in the middle.

However, I still struggle with one thing many people in my life don't know, mainly my friends and family. I believe I used to have an alternate personality when I was younger, it's last appearance being in 8th grade. She's very violent and somewhat hostile, but is also mischievous and a bit devious. She usually turns up when I'm extremely angry, or when she just decides to take memories away from me. An example of her, which was when I was 9 or 10, is when me and my sister were at the playground near my dad's house. This older kid, about 12, kept making fun of us, like calling fat and ugly and such. He even started to make fun of me since I cant run, and I walk a little funny. He called me a penguin, and started to get in my face about it. This was when my sister was short and a bit timid, the opposite of what she is now. All I remember was getting extremely angry, near to the point of crying, and the next thing I know the kid's crying out in pain, holding the back of his head, and I'm right in front of him.

As my sister tells me, I started to chuckle a bit, smiling sorta evil at the guy. I then pushed the guy down, causing his head to hit against the poll holding up the swings slightly. She then said I grabbed his head, and beated his head into the poll. When the guy yelled for me to stop, I apparently punched him in the chest, which caused my sister to pull me back a bit. That's when she said I seemed to "come back." This alternate personality appeared many times in my life until about three years ago, when a kid that was giving everyone crap had made me very angry, and the next thing I know I've grabbed the collar of his shirt, lifted his up to the wall, which knocked the air out of him. One girl said that I said things that shouldn't be said. I've dubbed this alternate personality of mine Max, and please don't think I'm crazy. You'll be surprised on how many people have issues much worse than this.

I'll talk more later in another part. This is enough for now. Please don't judge me for this, and don't think I'm trying to get attention. I'm just trying to open myself up for once in my life, and not keep it all in. I'll leave you with a quote from the new FNAF game coming out this fall (though I edited the quote a bit), Five Nights at Freddy's: Sister Location...

"Don't hold it against me.

You don't know what I've been through."