Lord help me I am writing this at 11:16PM listening to "TRNDSTTR" by Black Coast (Lucian Remix) on repeat. Good song actually.

And yeah, you read the title right.

There are four significant times when the subject of Michael Jackson's balls and/or penis have been brought up in the presence of one or more family members. Every situation includes my male cousin.

The first occurred at my Nonna's house. I was innocently having a conversation with my cousin, Matthew, when we somehow got onto the subject of penises. Don't even ask. We talked about them for a while, when I go "You know, Michael Jackson's dick was said to be about 12 inches."

Then Matthew looks at me, eyes wide and grinning in disbelief. "Really?! No way!"

Sometimes I consider if he might be gay. Nothing wrong with that, folks.

Second incident occurred at Matthew's house. We were in the front room, and I was listening to him playing 'Fast Car' by Tracy Chapman on guitar. Somehow we got onto the subject of Ed Sheeran, and this is what happened:

Me: Ed Sheeran need a bit of an entrance, you know. Even at Wembley he just walked onto the stage and plugged in his guitar. You cannot do that at WEMBLEY, for God's sake. You need an entrance. Take Michael Jackson, for example.

So I went on to show Matthew a video of Michael performing during the Dangerous Tour, where he comes onto the stage via a 'toaster' (video attached if you haven't seen it before). He stands still for a bit while the crowd cheers, and then moves his head to the side, tosses away his sunglasses and begins to sing 'Jam'.

Under the jacket that Michael is wearing in 'Jam' (which he takes off after that song) he is wearing a gold fencing uniform type thing (photo attached). You can faintly see the outline of his balls/dick. Of course that was the only thing that Matthew noticed.

Matthew: *starts laughing* Look you can see his nuts!

Then, he kinda started cupping Michael Jackson's nuts with his hand. Well, not literally as Michael was not there in person and therefore we were watching it on Matthew's phone, but still. Weird, right?

Me: *raises eyebrows*

The third incident was again at Matthew's house, that same night. We were in his bedroom talking, when we again got onto the subject on penises. His doing entirely, I swear. This is how the conversation went:

Matthew: Julia (his sister, my cousin) told me that if a big family has more boys than girls, it means that the dad has a small dick. (I don't think that this is true.)

Me: Um. Ok. I did not need to know that.

Matthew: Did Michael Jackson have any sons?

Me: Yes, two. Prince and Blanket.

Matthew: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

Me: Don't be ridiculous. I told you before, he apparently had a twelve inch, and he had a son, then a daughter, then another son. And the third son was from a different mother, so...

Matthew: Fair enough then.

The fourth and final incident (so far) is where my FATHER gets in on the action.

Matthew was over one day which I was entirely pissed off about, because whenever he comes over I happen to have my period. And it always happens to be on the first day of my period, when I get excruciating stomach pains.

So yes, I was a tad ticked off.

While Matthew and my Dad tried to get our old running machine working in the garage, I was lying on the couch, clutching my stomach, watching my Michael Jackson Wembley DVD. You know, the concert he did on July 16, 1988, when Prince Charles and Princess Diana came to watch.

Then my Dad and Matthew walk in, and sit down on the other couch.

They then both provided idiotic commentary on Michael's nuts throughout the whole concert.

They came up with this stupid thing that Michael cut off his balls to make his voice higher, and he could reattach them if he wanted to because they had hooks. And that he 'took his balls off' when he did a concert cos he 'grabbed them so much that they became severely bruised.'

Oh, how they adore making me angry.

And when Michael performed 'The Way You Make Me Feel' and was up to the part in the iconic dance where he slams his crotch into the ground, Matthew was like 'WHAT IS HE DOING TO HIMSELF.'

I've got complete immature idiots for a family, but I do love them.