that one feeling of pure happiness. i hope you know what i mean. you just stop for a second and realize 'fuck, im happy'. you cant force that feeling to come to you. but you can pretend. put on a mask. make your lips form a smile. its not the same but everyone seems to think it is. they see you smiling and go: 'why are you so happy today?'. i am not but im glad i was able to foul you. i might be doing fine or okay but happy? those moments are rare. sometimes they happen without noticing and when i think back later im disappointed that i wasnt able to realize it. cause that very feeling is only there in these exact moments. you cant recreate it. but the memories of it will stay forever.
stargazing with my best friend on new years eve last year. running through the rain in the middle of the night with a bunch of people i barely know. finally being on top of the mountain and having a perfect view over the small city next to it. sitting in school and seeing a message from him pop up after months. on halloween standing completly quiet right next to my best friend in a dark forest tring not to laugh so we dont get caught. hugging someone for the first time who has been my best friend for years. being called a "gentleman" by the most adorable human ever. watching someones face light up while they get heavily exicted to tell something. running into her arms on the train platform after a whole damn fcking year.