February 14 2018
5:49 pm

I'm catching feelings and I don't know why.

Let's name her Ra.

She's my friend. One of my closest ones. We hang out from time to time and are quite familiar with each other. She's one of the people that's been there for me after... Di just left me hanging and is actually one of the sweetest people in the world. She's very understanding and caring, unbelievably weird sometimes but that's one of the reasons why I'm fond of her.

Ra is just one of the people that you can't help but be different with.

Anyways, it all started with a joke. And get this, the damn joke was last year, we tease each other and call each other "babe" and all that.

Random fact about me: When I tease people or allow people to tease me like that, I might actually catch feelings.

And that's exactly what happened. I had a crush on her, nothing major... just a small crush. Ra is unbelievably cute and smart too, it's a bit impossible not to like her like that.

Then my feelings faded.

And recently, they've been knocking at my heart's door again, which sucks.

Ever since Di, I've learned not to get too attached to people especially those whom you are not sure are also attached to you. I end up feeling bad and lonely whenever I get too clingy and then the other person just leaves.

So... now, I have recognized that I may have just the tiniest, teenie weenie, little bit of crush on Ra. And it terrifies me.

It terrifies me because I'm still hurt over what happened with Di and I and this day, I actually feel that the same thing is happening. I'm being attached to another girl and I can feel her pulling away so before my feelings deepen, I'll pull away. I'll leave. Just like that. Then goodbye feelings. Go fuck yourself. I am done with you. I'll stay a loveless fuck until I grow old.

Weird, right?

But now, I found that not all leaving is bad, especially if you're selfish enough but I'm just saying. This is a defense mechanism so that I won't get hurt again. I don't think I can handle any more pain like the one Di caused in me and if I have to deal with that, then I'd much rather die first before doing that again.

I don't think that when that pain is felt again, I can handle it. Especially not with Ra who's one of my closest friends... my special friend actually. I'd much rather lose her for quite a bit than lose our friendship forever.

And this is the part of the chapter that I tell you my completely awesome plan that's really not that awesome.

I'm going to avoid her. At all costs. No matter what happens. I'll avoid her. Not like the type that it will be pretty fucking obvious but like, just avoid her slowly.

Cool, right?

Hmm... I'm actually running out of ideas now. Oh, and also Happy... Day today guys haha. Take care of yourself and stay safe.

I guess that's all my thoughts for now. I'll update as much as I can.