GOING BACK TO the UK was strange. Being back after a month away, staring out of the taxi I was taking with Cami back to Redchester from Heathrow Airport, seeing how cold it was now, the way there was mist in the air every time we spoke or breathed...

  And knowing what faced me once I did get to Redchester. Because Orion's flight had been around seven hours earlier than mine—he'd taken the morning flight, me and Cami the evening one. He'd have gotten to Redchester at eight or nine last night, while it was still fairly early in the morning as Cami and I sped through half of England.

  Well, perhaps not half. Redchester wasn't that far away from London, and thank god for that. It would be even colder up north, and I had no intention of freezing to death. Not yet.

  Though if I had to bump into Orion all the time, I might just end up preferring that fate.

  But no. I was not going to become suicidal over Orion Ip, and I certainly wasn't going to give up any bits of my usual life for him either. That was a promise I'd made to myself two years ago. Enough concessions for him. I was going to do what I wanted to do, whatever it was, and there was nothing he could do about it. Or anyone else.

  Not that I rather thought he wanted to do anything about it. In all honesty, he seemed quite unaffected past some emotional shock.

  Was I meant to be happy with that? Perhaps. It did mean it wouldn't affect my life all that much. But I still couldn't help but feel slightly... worried.

  To her credit, Cami hadn't mentioned a single word of it. She must have sensed my worry, but she hadn't brought it up at all. Instead, she was all enthusiasm and optimism from the moment we'd entered the airport in Hong Kong, and though she was clearly tired now, half-dosing besides me in the backseat of the taxi, her joy still shone clear.

  She had something to look forward to, clearly.

  Time seemed to pass so fast. Just like that, the term was already over. University wasn't college, when we had half term breaks between the terms. We only had the big holidays—Christmas, Easter, summer. But instead of making the terms feel longer, they made them seem even shorter. A blink of an eye and it was all already over. And it was January of a brand new year.

  This year I turned nineteen.

  By the end of this year I'd be in my second year of university. Orion and Dean would technically be graduated, though it seemed like both of them were going to stay to complete their Master's. As with Livia and Amphion.

  Actually, I was fairly looking forward to seeing Livia again. I did quite like being around her.

  I missed Eileen too. I wonder how she was faring—the heartbreak seemed so long ago, and she seemed to have moved on well. But I still wanted to be sure.

  And then, there was also Jeremiah.

  Yes, I should really do something about Jeremiah. Because everyone was right. I didn't want a second Francis. Or to risk a second Francis.

  I just had to stop procrastinating the inevitable. Perhaps I should drop some hints in my future conversations with Jeremiah. Or should I be blunt about it? My god, for something so many people had been telling me to do for so long, I was woefully underprepared.

  That was slightly worrying. I was rarely this underprepared about things. I tend to be over prepared for them, even if I end up having to scrap all my plans the moment everything sets into action.

  We arrived at Redchester shortly before the afternoon. It was still fairly early, but both of us were practically starving.

  Last time, Cami had been the one helping me move in. I was going to return the favour this time around. Most of her boxes had already arrived from her old dorm—Livia had promised she'd help receive them over the Christmas holidays, and Camille confirmed that they were already safely in her new apartment when she came down to collect me. I threw down my suitcases, grabbed my phone and a puffer jacket and left with her.

  We went to the same diner that we went to the night we'd first arrived. Tradition, maybe. That, and it was convenient. I rather thought I had enough time to cook tonight after unpacking, so we headed to the nearby supermarket to grab some stuff. Cami grabbed a pizza to bake tonight, since she wasn't a particularly proficient cook, and I was far too tired to cook two portions and clean up after it.

  She was considerate that way sometimes.

  Maybe that was why we'd stay friends for so long? Both of us knew exactly when to stop. We both knew where the line was and how not to step on it. We respected each other's boundaries with perfect and utter care.

  (Maybe Orion should learn from that.)

  (Or maybe I should learn from that.)

  (Wait, no. Orion and my situation were completely different.)

  Even Cami was too tired to say much by the time we'd gotten back to our apartments and went our separate ways. I stayed in my apartment, finishing to unpack my stuff—not that I had much to unpack, but I had a lot to clean up, since my apartment had virtually been here abandoned for a whole month.

  Which was what I ended up doing for most of the afternoon. Orion didn't knock or message me, even though he had to know I was back by now. He stayed silent. Which was good. I didn't want to talk to him either.

  Which was also a bit of a lie. Because I did want to talk to him. Just... not right now. Not like this.

  Not while we were like this.

  Because the question that kept floating in my head, even though it should be technically answered, was simple: what were we? What did all of this make us?

  I didn't think he knew the answer either. So I wasn't going to bother asking. That seemed like a one-way trip to embarrassment. I could go on pretending he didn't exist, that he was invisible for just a little longer. Until I was settled back in, until running into him all the time became inevitable again.

  And considering how cold it was, I probably wasn't going to head out all that much with anyone. Which meant even fewer chances of bumping into him due to mutual friends.

  And he'd be busy, right? With all his university work. It was his last year, surely he was busy. Surely he'd have better things to do than go around looking for me and trying to get answers out of me that I didn't have.

  School started in two days. I more or less knew his schedule from just being around him for so long, and I knew when he left the house. When he came back. I could avoid those times, even if it did seem slightly extreme. It wasn't as if I hadn't done so before.

  But now it just felt like I was going out of my way to avoid running into him again, which was what I'd promised I wouldn't do, and now I felt so conflicted and confused, which basically summed up the past thirteen (almost fourteen) years of my life, and I didn't like it at all.

  It really was just a never-ending cycle, wasn't it?

  But all those plans went out the window, because that night, after I'd finished cooking all my food and sat down to begin eating, there was a knock on my door.

  My first thought was that it might be Camille. Perhaps she was here to steal some of my food, or just to talk because she was stressed out from unpacking. But when I opened the door, I was faced with Orion's rather anxious looking face. He broke into a smile at seeing me, but it was still a bit awkward.

  "Hey."

  "Oh. Hi Orion. Wasn't expecting you."

  He frowned. "Who else... oh. Camille. Can I come in?"

  "Not like I can say no." I was being a bit mean. Probably. But I couldn't help it. I let him slide in through the door, shutting it behind me, turning to my dining table. "I was just about to eat. Hope you don't mind."

  "No. No. Eat. I just wanted to say hi."

  "Alright."

  I sat down at my dining table, stabbing my chopsticks into my freshly cooked rice. I still had some in my rice cooker, leftovers to microwave tomorrow. And then, ignoring him, I dug into my steak.

  He just stood there, in my doorway, staring for a long moment.

  "Salome?"

  "Yeah?"

  "I just wanted to ask."

  "Ask what?"

  "What are we now?"

  Ah. There it was. The question I'd been dreading. The question that had been rolling in my head for the past few days without an answer, or even the semblance of one.

  Mildly, I lied, "Friends."

  "Really?"

  I stared at him blankly. "What else do you want it to be?"

  "I thought you had feelings for me."

  I tilted my head. "So?"

  "Nothing in that direction?"

  I just stared at him, trying to figure out what he was trying to say. He looked gobsmacked, shaking his head as he pulled out the chair opposite mine and sat down. "Seriously?"

  "What else do you want it to be, then?" I repeated, slightly more annoyed.

  "I'm not against giving this a try. You and I."

  And my god, what was I supposed to say now? My heart was already exploding into a flurry of fireworks. It was screaming yes, yes and yes. But my head stayed logical. My head stayed calm, for the first time in my life when it came to Orion Ip.

  He was doing this out of pity.

  I could tell. What I'd told him that day, my thirteen years of unnoticed crushes, that was eating away at him. He felt guilty and sorry for me. That was why he came with this proposal. If he had any genuine romantic feelings for me, anything past just physical attraction, he'd have come to me days ago. Weeks ago, even. He'd have told me this long ago, offered this long ago, and maybe then I'd have said yes.

  But with so long between this and our last interaction?

  I raised one brow. "I don't need your charity."

  His expression crumbled. "It's not charity."

  "Orion, if you're doing this just because you feel sorry for me, it's really not necessary."

  "I don't know where you got this idea from, but I'm not doing this out of charity."

  "Orion, until around a month ago you basically saw me as nothing more than your little sister. I find it difficult to believe that your opinion changed so quickly in such little amount of time. I'm sorry. But in my view, you're doing this because you feel sorry for me. You might not realise it, but it's the truth."

  "I'll admit I feel some guilt," he defended himself, "but I also wouldn't force myself to like someone I didn't already have feelings for."

  "And do you? Have feelings for me?"

  "Yes."

  "Physical attraction."

  "More than that. My god, Salome, do you think I'm that shallow?"

  "I don't think I know you at all," I said flatly. "I don't know how you view romance, how you date, nothing about any of that."

  "I thought you liked me."

  "I've liked you for thirteen years, I've already long resigned myself to the fact it probably isn't ever going to happen. You can walk out of that door and pretended you've never offered this and I'll get on with my life fine. Last chance, Orion."

  "I'm not going to."

  I glanced up, one brow raised. This almost felt nice, being the one in charge for once in my life. When before it was always him callously breaking my heart. The past few weeks had been honey poured into a stab wound, and now was my time to strike back.

  I wasn't going to go out of my way to make him miserable—okay fine. Maybe I would. But thirteen years. Thirteen years, and he was now offering to date me because of pity. I had the right to be mad. And even if he hadn't offered all this, I still had the right to be mad. I could afford to be petty for once in my life, it wasn't a crime. I didn't have to feel apologetic for that.

  "What do you want, then?"

  "Give me a proper answer. I'm willing to develop this further with you. Our feelings for each other. I know it's so late for me to do this, that I should have noticed years ago and I'm so sorry for it, but I'm asking if you're still willing to give me a chance."

  My answer was simple. "Not like this."

  "Like what?"

  "Not like this, Orion."

  "I don't understand." His brows were scrunched up, his body language frustrated. "You're being very confusing here, Salome."

  Now I switched to Cantonese. "What is there to not understand?"

  "Any of this," he replied in the same dialect, his tone flat. "Absolutely any of this. None of this makes sense."

  "Well, make it make sense, then." I stuffed a bite of steak into my mouth, making a show of ignoring him, hoping he'd just get annoyed enough to turn, slam the door and leave. But he didn't. Because of course he didn't. He was Orion Ip, with endless patience and bottomless kindness. He would never do something as annoyed as leaving in the middle of an unfinished conversation.

  It was finished to me, though.

  Not that I thought he particularly cared what I thought of all this right now. He was annoyed. Very clearly so. Ticked off. But he couldn't act on it, because that wouldn't be in character for him. Even now, in the face of rejection, he was still trying to be nice to me. That was just so incredibly frustrating to deal with.

  Why couldn't he be mean? Why couldn't he have been like Francis? Why couldn't he be mean so I could be mean to him too without feeling sorry about it? Why couldn't I just... be cruel enough for once and tell him to fuck off, to stop toying my feelings rather purposefully or obliviously, so that I could finally move on from these thirteen years of my life and do something I'd be proud of?

  He seemed to be thinking of something to say. At least I'd rendered him absolutely speechless, though with how many times I'd managed that in the past while it had stopped feeling like a feat.

  "So... no?"

  "No."

  "But you still like me."

  "That doesn't mean shit."

  He blinked. "But if you still like me, why don't you—"

  "Liking someone doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them," I pointed out, "just like how you don't need to be doing this just because you feel sorry for me, and because you feel some level of physical attraction to me now. Really. Orion. This is wholly unnecessary. I'm more than happy just continuing on as friends. I know we can't go back to before, but hey, we'd never been that close until this year anyways. We can just be neighbours."

  "Just be neighbours." He said it slowly, as if the words felt strange in his mouth. "Just neighbours."

  "Just friends and neighbours."

  His expression was blank. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, and I didn't think I wanted to know. Right now I just wanted to get away. Pretend this conversation had never happened. Never in my life had I wanted more to be able to travel back in time. Before any of this went down. Before that fucking night at the club.

  Because there was no going back. I knew that much. There was no way we could go back to what we were before. It was just impossible. Too much between us now—thirteen years that I'd just imposed on him, thrown onto him without warning. He was confused too, just like I was. At least this time it wasn't just me suffering.

  Him and I had always been of different paths. I was always just two steps behind, never quite able to catch up.

  He didn't look like he was about to leave still. With some hesitance, I opened my mouth. "Orion..."

  "I just don't get any of this. Explain it to me. Please."

  I swallowed, my eyes shutting. I placed down my fork. "Orion. Put yourself in my shoe for a moment, can you? I know this is upsetting you. I'm sorry for it. But I've been dealing with this far longer than you have. Orion, we have never been people on the same path at the same time. I was always two years behind you. Those two years? They're an ever-enlarging abyss between us, a ravine that grew bigger every time I tried to speed up. It has always been me trying to catch up with your footsteps and always failing to. Two years I couldn't do anything about, Orion.

  "You have no idea how many times I've just watched your back, watched you and your friends get further and further away from me as if I was watching some movie that was ripping pieces of my heart out. Two years that I could never do anything about, and it killed me. I've been in pain for a long time over this, Orion. Which is why I just can't do this right now. I can't. I've been in love with you since I was a little girl and I need to move on. I can't keep living like this. This has been good for me, actually, it's letting me release all these pented up frustrations out of my body, letting me maybe finally move on. I don't need your pity, I don't need you watching over me. And if you actually cared, then you'd go. If you wanted the best for me, you'd walk out of that door right now and never mentioned this again. Orion. I need to move on with my life."

  He was staring at my face as if he'd never seen me before. "I still don't get it. But you clearly don't want me here either."

  "Please leave, Orion." My voice had become hoarse. Were those tears swirling in my eyes? I blinked them back, trying to hide them to the best of my abilities but knowing I was failing. Because his hand darted out, swiping at a tear that had started rolling down my cheek. But then he seemed to realise what he'd done, because his hand shrunk back.

  "I'm so sorry."

  "There's nothing to be sorry for."

  "You might think that. But I'm going to apologise anyways. I mean it, Salome. I am sorry."

  "It's all in the past now."

  He didn't look like he believed that. But he stood up. Took one last look at me, and walked out the door.

  I shut my eyes, staring down at the cooling food in front of me.

  It had to be done.

  For my sake, for his. For the thirteen years of my life I'd spent pining, and to the many years that were still waiting for me.

  I could not stay here forever.