I DIDN'T WAKE up until nearly noon the next day, and despite the lack of alcohol I'd inhaled, my body still felt like complete crap. The lack of sleep, probably, even though technically speaking I'd at least gotten six or seven hours.

  My parents raised one brow as I pulled myself out of my bedroom. "Wow, look at Yam-yuet all grown up now."

  "It's just a sometimes thing," I grumbled. "God, I am exhausted."

  "Maybe because you come home so late," my mother huffed. "Earlier next time, you know? You come home with Orion?"

  "Yeah, but he was drunk out of his mind."

  "That's not good," my father said, frowning. "Hope A'Ip and his wife give him some honey water. Or he's not going to be feeling very well today."

  I hoped he didn't feel well enough today. Because knowing him he'd come to talk to me eventually—unless he'd completely forgotten what happened last night, which seemed difficult and rather unlikely. He'd remember at least some fragments. And I wanted to push back that inevitable as soon as possible.

  I was not ready to talk to him. I knew it was inevitable and we would have to speak about it eventually, but I'm hoping that by that time I was able to formulate a proper answer. Instead of standing there like an idiot while looking at him. At least, that was the plan. Most of my plans tended to fail when it came to Orion, but that didn't mean I ever stopped trying.

  Orion Ip was just an anomaly in my life. One bit that didn't fit into anything else. Something I couldn't explain, couldn't understand at all. I didn't get it. I didn't understand how I felt, and sometimes I tried to sit there and dissect why I loved him at all. Somehow, despite the lack of reasoning, which was usually enough to convince me away from a course of action, it didn't work for him. Maybe it just wasn't how love worked.

  I didn't do much. I had a quick brunch and retired to my room, watching videos on Youtube and trying to forget about yesterday night. I texted Cami but she didn't reply—probably still asleep. Wouldn't be asleep if she wasn't going to wake until one or two in the afternoon, if I must be honest. She did it sometimes on the weekend when she slept late. I couldn't. Noon was my absolute limit, or I'd just feel like I was wasting too much time.

  I didn't have much else to do. Sitting down on my bed, I dug up an old book from my bookshelf and started flipping through, trying to jot my memory about its contents. I'd stopped reading physical books a long time ago—basically impossible, especially since I'd lived in a dorm for so many years in my life. There was hardly enough space, and I didn't feel like bringing around a couple books every time I flew to and from England.

  And then: a text on my phone. The slightest buzz from the device I'd put beside me. I laid my book down and glanced down.

  Orion: hey, are you home right now?

  I stared at it, my mind suddenly blank. What had I planned to do again? If he did come looking for me? I suddenly couldn't remember. There was this urge to just type yes, see what he wanted, but then rationality entered me again. Right. No. No. No. I didn't know what to say to him right now.

  I waited a minute.

  Two minutes.

  I glanced out of my window for a while, trying to make the minutes past faster so it wouldn't look like I instantly responded, but not late enough for it to seem improbable and impolite either.

  Finally, after six minutes, I picked up my phone.

  I'm outside rn.

  I lied. But what else was I supposed to say? Yes, so he'd immediately come over and talk to me and have a conversation I didn't want to be hearing right now? I didn't want my illusion to break just yet. I just wanted this perfect little dream space, this perfect little bubble to continue on just for a while.

  I was just lying to myself and I knew that very well. But I couldn't help it. What else could I do? Thirteen years of my life culminated into one drunken kiss, and now I was too scared to even confront him about it. Demand an answer, an apology, a response, I didn't even know what I wanted to hear from him. A confession? An apology? Or nothing at all?

  I could afford to be a coward for once in my life, right?

  Was that even true, though? If I hadn't always been a coward, maybe he'd have known a lot earlier. Maybe something would have already happened rather than this endless pining that never seemed to stop.

  His response came almost immediately after I'd sent the message, almost as if he'd been waiting for me. When are you home? Can we talk?

  This time, I didn't reply.

  I turned off my phone, tossing it to the end of my bed so I wouldn't be tempted to look, forcing myself to pick up my book and continue reading. My mind wasn't on the pages anymore, instead running through the numerous possible situations I might encounter him in the next few days and be forced to talk to him. And oh god, when we went back to the UK...

  I threw my head back, hitting the headboard in the process. Wincing, I straightened again, rubbing the back of my head. Fuck. Well, at least the pain temporarily took my brain off thinking about Orion.

  Oh wait, I was back to that now.

  My god.

  Maybe I should just talk to him and put this behind me once and for all. Like the way I'd thought I would put it behind me all those other times, but then couldn't end up doing it.

  No way this could continue on any longer, right? It just didn't seem real anymore. Surely one day I'd wake up and my brain would just stop liking Orion that way? And I'd start being able to like and love other people romantically? Rather than it just being him all the damned time?

  I laid there and tried to think of all of Orion's disadvantages, his weaknesses, reasons I shouldn't love him. I couldn't think of that many.

  The way he'd never noticed for all these years? But was that really his fault, or was it just me hiding it too well? And the fact due to our age gap, it just didn't seem that probable when we were kids? We were in completely different circles, and well, I'd been a kid. So had he.

  Okay. What if in some miraculous world we truly pursued a future together? Would there be any disadvantages with Orion there?

  He was at Redchester. His grades had always been good, and he was studying Economics. He'd be able to find a job either way. He was also the only son, and I'd known his parents since forever. They wouldn't mistreat me (I was thinking about the possibilities here, just imagining things now). Our parents were all close, and would probably honestly be overjoyed if he and I actually... became a thing. Not that I was saying it was going to happen. Just that... in some world out there, maybe it would come true.

  No, no disadvantages there.

  He was making this difficult, wasn't it? Or maybe my brain was, because I refused to acknowledge that Orion probably had faults. I was just blinded to them, that was all. Not precisely the best thing.

  I'd given up on fighting it a while ago, trying to let it run its course. But so far I still didn't have the end in sight, and I must admit I was starting to get rather impatient.

  Suddenly, I scrambled upwards, yanking my phone towards me. I clicked into the unopened text and replied, with a grunt, I'm back now. Where do you want to talk?

—

  WE CHOSE A cafe in the mall. And for us to meet in ten minutes. I didn't bother dressing up—he'd seen me in far worse states. I simply combed my hair, changed my clothes and went downstairs. Neither of my parents asked where I was going, far too engrossed in whatever show was on television, simply telling me to be safe and come home in time for dinner. I didn't think I'd be out that long anyways.

  Surely there was not that much to talk about. A few awkward words, a carefully planned explanation, an equally prepared acceptance of his apology. And then it would be over and we could go into being awkward and avoiding each other again. Wouldn't be that different from the past few years, at least not for me anyways. 

   I... I could go back to that. Treat the past two days like a fever dream. Go back to that cycle of trying to move on constantly and failing miserably too.

  He was already there when I walked in, straightening when he saw me and offering me a small wave. I pretended not to see him at first, glancing around before finally making a show of noticing him and strolling over.

  I sat down opposite him.

  We looked at each other for a moment.

  He blinked. "Coffee?"

  "I'll order a matcha latte."

  The waiter came by and we both left our orders, and then once again fell back into the silence that had been plaguing us since I'd sat down.

  "So," I finally drew out after a long while, "you feeling alright?"

  He winced. "Slight headache. I... I shouldn't have drunk that much last night."

  I wasn't sure what he meant by that. As in, I shouldn't have drunk that much and kissed you? Or I shouldn't have drunk that much and gotten a headache?

  He didn't seem like he wanted to elaborate.

  I said, "Well, too bad. I'm sure it'll pass over soon."

  "My head is throbbing like shit."

  "You should have stayed home, then."

  He glanced at me behind his lashes. "Is that what you wanted?"

  I didn't answer, instead turning to glance out of the window and into the mall, at the bustling crowds of people making their way through.

  "Right."

  "Is there a point in this?" I asked him, shaking my head quietly. "Because if not I'm heading back up."

  "No. No. No. Stay. Stay, Salome. I want to apologise."

  "Right."

  "I'm sorry about the things I said and did last night."

  "Okay."

  "I wasn't in my right mind."

  "That's not an excuse."

  "I know. I'm deeply apologetic for it. I shouldn't have said those things. And I really shouldn't have kissed you."

  "It's alright. Just forget about it."

  "Would it be that easy?"

  "It could be."

  "Tell me, Salome. When you accidentally removed my follow on Instagram, was it really accidental?"

  And now I was silent again.

  How did he even think that far?

  Why was he thinking so far?

  My god.

  He really was thinking deep about this.

  "Why would I purposefully remove you?"

  "I don't know, Salome, but the evidence isn't lining up."

  "I wasn't aware I'd committed some type of crime."

  "No, but you've been hiding secrets."

  "Have I?"

  "I think you know that far better than I do."

  He looked earnest. Honest about it. As if he was genuinely asking me this with no ulterior motive. As if he didn't have a clue what that secret was, even though I knew for sure he did.

  He knew. I wasn't sure when he'd guessed at all of it—the hoodie, probably—or when those thoughts of his had been confirmed, but they sure as hell had been now. What was I supposed to do about it?

  Did I admit it?

  When I didn't say a word, he said, "Salome?"

  "I'm thinking."

  "You do that for a bit if you want to. Take your time."

  My god. If there was even the slightest bit of sarcasm in those words, I wouldn't have felt half as distraught as I did in that moment. But I didn't hear a word of it. Nothing at all. And because at this point my mind was all but absolutely blank, I just sat there. Like an idiot.

  Thinking.

  And finally, aloud, I said, "This is getting weird."

  "Do you want me to guide you along with what I think?"

  "Yes. Yes. Go ahead." I shifted in my seat, not looking at him as I adjusted the jacket I'd placed on my lap as if it was deeply interesting, even though I was still paying my utmost attention to him—I just didn't want him to think that.

  "The hoodie was my first clue, obviously. My first clear clue that there was something going on I hadn't recognised. But if I think about it, there's a few more too. Like how you removed me from your social media following back then. Which could have been a misclick, of course, but was it really?"

  I was silent for a moment, and then I said, "No."

  "Which makes me wonder, then, why? It wasn't like you thought you'd never see me again after graduation. You'd see me plenty of times, in fact, since we literally lived right next to each other. Which led me to believe that you simply didn't want to see anything about me. Which makes me think, you already liked me by then, didn't you?"

  That, I did not answer. He didn't seem to care—he'd probably been expecting it, continuing, "Next clue. You were extremely cold to me when I contacted you after I heard you were moving in. And in that first meeting in the corridor. Almost as if you had a grudge against me. Did you hold a grudge against me?"

  I shrugged. "Or maybe I just wasn't very familiar with you anymore."

  "Fine. Next clue, then. At the club. That time we got mad at each other. You asked me if you were jealous. Did you want me to be jealous?"

  Why did he remember any of this?

  He seemed to read it in my face, because next he said, with a small shrug, "I've spent quite a few days thinking about this. I've thought about it a lot, Salome. You're right. I was drunk last night, but I also knew perfectly well what I was doing. Well enough that I could have stopped myself if I'd really wanted to anyways. I've been wanting to ask you for a while. How long, Salome?"

  I didn't need to ask what he meant. I swallowed, my fingers knitted together, my eyes casted downwards as if I was ashamed. Maybe I was ashamed. Embarrassed. Scared. Terrified. Absolutely terrified. My entire body felt like it was made out of stone and I couldn't move, couldn't look up. The past few days had never been real in the first place, never since that kiss, but now? This felt like the climax. The height of this entire roller coaster. The moment before the fall.

  My voice was so soft I could barely hear it myself. "Thirteen years."

  "Salome?"

  He was staring at me, and I wasn't sure if he'd heard it or if he was just shocked. So I repeated, a bit louder now, "Thirteen years, Orion."

  Now it was his turn to be struck dumb as he stared at my face, trying to figure out if I was kidding. But I wasn't. Thirteen years. From the moment I'd met him all those years ago, the very first time five years old Salome had met seven years old Orion and had fallen, fallen, fallen. Before she was even sure what love was, before she was even sure what it meant to love anyone.

  His voice was shaky when he asked, "So long?"

  I gave a little shrug. "Love at first sight. It happens."

  His hand went to his nose and he pinched it, slowly shaking my head. "All these years, Salome?"

  "Hey, well, to be fair, it was kind of puppy love when I was a kid. You were the dashing neighbourhood gor gor, you know. My hero. Always there to help. I was a kid."

  "You could have told me something."

  "Told you what?" I asked with a laugh. "You'd have laughed it off, Orion. You'd have told me to not be silly. But I wasn't being silly. If I was being silly I'd have stopped a long time ago. You really think I've wanted to do this for all these years? Unrequited love is always painful, Orion. If it was just embarrassing when I was a kid it became painful when I grew older."

  "I am so sorry—"

  "There is nothing to be sorry for." I shook my head. "Neither of us are at fault here, see? Not my fault I had a crush on you, not your fault you never reciprocated or noticed. As simple as that. I'm almost over it now anyways."

  "Are you really?"

  What the hell was I supposed to respond to that with? Orion seemed to have a way of rendering me speechless today. Not that he didn't usually have it, but it was even worse today.

  As if realising how I didn't know how to respond, he let out an awkward chuckle. "I'm sorry. I just... I'm just not completely sure how to react to this just yet."

  "This can't be the first time someone's admitted to having a crush on you."

  "No... but... it's the first time it was someone I cared about."

  And just like that, he completely knocks me off-hilter again.

  Could he stop saying things like that? Things that I would interpret in such ways that made my breath catch and my heart momentarily stop beating until I remembered this was Orion, Orion, who I'd known since I was a kid and who never quite realised I grew up?

  But he had realised I'd grown up now, hadn't I?

  He'd kissed me.

  And the things he'd told me...

  I was just in denial at this point.

  Because the fact was that Orion Ip had most definitely realised I'd grown up. He was attracted to me, at least physically. And he certainly saw me in a romantic light rather than a platonic one, at least at this very moment.

  But why did it still feel so wrong?

  "So what do you want to do now?" I asked, trying to stay calm, or at least appear so on the surface. Cool and relaxed. I'm an adult now. I can't afford to always panic and be jitterish.

  "I don't know," he told me earnestly. "I'm still trying to process this. I must have really broken your heart, huh?"

  I rolled my eyes. "My heart's strong, don't you worry. It's a very resilient heart. You just gave me a hell of an adolescence, that's all."

  "Really?"

  "Yeah."

  "Then how come you haven't gotten over it all these years? Most crushes don't last thirteen years, Salome."

  "I told you. It began as just... puppy love. You know. Childishly looking up to you. Five years old don't know what love is."

  But it had been love, right? What I'd felt seemed like love to me, at least to my five-year-old mind. It had been so long now I couldn't even really explain or remember how it started even if someone asked me to. So many years in between, so many memories lost. Most of them, I'd wanted to lose. At least I had wanted to, a few years ago, when he'd first graduated.

  "Thirteen years."

  "I'm surprised no one else ever noticed. You not noticing was expected—you were a clueless teenage boy. Your parents? My parents? Our friend?"

  "I think my parents knew," he admitted suddenly, throwing his head back. "They wouldn't keep hinting that I should marry you or something otherwise."

  I winced. "I'm not surprised."

  "I thought it was just because we were so friendly with each other. And so familiar. Growing up in the same apartment complex two floors apart does that to you."

  "My parents have never hinted at anything like it."

  "Maybe not. But you hid it well, Salome. You hid it very well."

  "I'm quite proud of that, thank you. You have no idea how difficult it could be. I kept trying to bump into you back at Arrington, did you know that? Our meal times were different but I'd keep trying to go as late as I could within my slot so that I could maybe run into you."

  "Did you ever?"

  "I did, actually."

  "I never noticed."

  "I know."