Date: 7th June, 2016.

It's 2 am and this is the last time I'll rant about how tired I am and how late I am up, writing this. I love this book, and I seriously don't want it to end.

"Vodka burns my throat  but your name hurts

my head so I would rather  black out with

a hangover than stare blankly at my hands

trying to forget what it was like to touch you."

BLAZE'S POV

Five years later.

\\Song for the chapter: The Memory by Mayday Parade\\
AN: I'm so fucking addicted to that song since ages. Mayday Parade is greattt.

Listen to it while reading, the song fits perfectly plus it makes this sadder :(:
Okay, I'm done, happy reading.

Five years.

Today marked the fifth year anniversary of Nov passing away.

The layer of ice above the gravel crunched under my shoes and a feeling of dread settled deep in my stomach. Anxiety swallowed me as a whole.

Now, anxiety had become all I had ever known.

It had become the hot and cold flashes that confused me when I was already confused enough.

It had become the fighting in my chest and the lump in my throat.

It had become the snowballing worries that became an avalanche in an instant.

It made living difficult than it already was.

I walked towards the cemetery, locking the doors of my car behind me. A bead of sweat broke out on my forehead but it was freezing cold already.

A small hand clutched onto my larger one and I had a bouquet in the other hand. The scent of roses invaded my nose but I couldn't help but sigh. The flowers looked so alive and I looked so, well, not.

As I made way towards Nov's grave, I could feel myself become more anxious by the passing second. I couldn't take it.

It had been five years, already. It couldn't have been. She needed to be here. How could I carry on without her?

I looked around. I tried to calm myself and not to freak out in the middle of a cemetery.

Blaze, calm down. Breathing in, I prepared myself for grounding. It was a trick my shrink had taught me when I needed to calm down. I tried to push the paranoia away and focus on the order of things.

5 things you see. What five things do you see, Blaze?

The clouds, the road, the flowers, the graves, and an apple.

I tried to remember the next step before I freak out a bit more.

4 things I can touch.

The plastic of the bouquet, the hand which held mine, my phone, and the grass.

3 things I can hear.

The slight sound of the tires screeching, the birds singing and the music my earphones were playing.

2 things I can smell.

The smell of the red roses and my cologne.

1 thing I can taste.

The coffee's aftertaste I had before coming here.

By the time I was done with grounding, I had already distracted my mind long enough to know why I needed to. I hadn't stopped walking the whole time and now I was standing by Nov's grave.

As soon as I read the familiar words on Nov's tombstone, all the anxiety and dread in my body vanished along with the other negative feelings. I could feel my stiff shoulders relax and I unclenched my jaw.

She still had that effect on me.

I ran my hand over the engravings which were carved in beautiful handwriting on the stone and I stopped on the death day.

I kissed the bouquet of red roses as I had done when she was being buried, and placed them tenderly, on the grave. I backed away a step or two and sat down, pulling Hannah down with me who had been watching me silently this whole time.

I kissed Hannah's forehead and she clutched to my hand harder as if I would forget she was there.

"Hey, Nov." I started, my voice sounding foreign, even to my own ears. Shaky, even.

"You look like shit." I could picture Nov say while shaking her head and smiling slightly.

But all I could do is picture her, hear her voice in my head and see her in my memories. She wasn't here anymore and I hated it. I hated every second of it.

I pulled Hannah closer to me. I didn't want to lose her like I lost Nov. "I've brought Hannah with me today." I smiled at her, and Hannah smiled back.

"Hey, Al!" Hannah exclaimed as if she was Nov's best friend.

I could picture the two of them getting along so well. Nov would have loved Hannah as I did.

"She has been asking me to bring her here for a while now, so I did. It's been long since she had visited you, anyway." I spoke up, my voice was already thick with unshed tears.

But I couldn't cry. I felt so choked and I wanted nothing but to cry in front of my girlfriend but something held me back. I couldn't let my tears fall.

"Hey Han?" I spoke up, instantly catching the attention of my almost two-year-old daughter who was fascinated by the butterfly sitting on Nov's grave.

"Yes, dad?" She gazed into my eyes, looking as innocent as ever.

I dug into my pocket for my as keys. As soon as I felt the cool metal against my skin, I took it out and handed it to her.

"Here. Take this to Uncle Liam, he's standing by the car and tell him to take you home." She nodded and took the keys in her hand. She kissed Nov's headstone as she always did before leaving and wobbled her way to the gate.

I watched her till she disappeared and about ten seconds later, my phone buzzed with Liam's message which said that he was taking Hannah home. I replied with a 'Thanks, man.' and turned back around to face Nov.

I made a point to visit Nov every day. Whatever happened, I would always visit her. May it be night after a long, busy day or early morning before dropping off Hannah to her school. I couldn't stop visiting my Nov.

I sat there, in the cold, shivering, my teeth chattering, talking to Nov. Telling her everything that had happened in our a day apart.

Fuck, I missed her so much.

"Nov, baby, please come back. I know it is not possible but I can't handle this. I need you by my side. I can't do this alone. I want my angel. I need my angel." My voice cracked at the last word and taking that as a signal, the tears that had built inside my eyes fell.

"You kn-know, before Ha-Hannahh, nothing was okay." I stuttered. I was crying too hard to talk straight.

The pain was still there and real. It hurt like a bitch.

"I -I n-never got out of bed or showered or even changed my clothes. I drank away my pain, N-Nov. I used to drink every day. So much. It scared me. But I didn't want to remember, Nov. I didn't want to remember you aren't here anymore. And I used to drink because the hangover hurt less than knowing that you weren't here and I could bear the physical pain but not the emotional one. I still can't bear the emotional pain, Nov.

And they say that time is supposed to heal the wound but it has already been five years and I lie awake at 2 in the morning in the bathroom floor, crying, because nobody cares that I want to die and I'm still in love with you as much as I was the first time I saw you or the first time I realised it. But nobody gets it Nov, they tell me to get over you but what they know is that you weren't just another person in my life. You were my life.

And yeah, maybe loving you ruined me but I never knew that loving could hurt this good. But what I still know that I am in love with you and maybe if I had the chance to do this over again, I would. I would still choose to love you even if I knew that you were going to leave. It wasn't your choice, I know. And I'm just mad. Mad at myself more than I'm mad at Liz. I couldn't save you, nobody could.

After you left, my life has been a tornado and all I keep doing is circling around you.

And Nov, it wasn't meant to be like this. Sleepless nights and restless days. You were supposed to be here. With me. We were supposed to live. Study well, get a job, get married but she ruined it all. Liz ruined it all." I paused, my mind was racing too fast and the words tumbled out, I spoke up too fast, slurring and mixing up my words.

"And if tears could build a stairway, and memory a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again."

The tears never seemed to stop and I felt as if I would burst apart at the seams.

"My throat gets caught up when something reminds me off you. When our song comes on or I pass by the place we had our first kiss. I visit your home every Saturday to meet your parents and Kyle. He has grown up so much, Nov. He misses you like crazy and always asks me to tell him our stories and about you in general. You would be so proud of what he has become. I know I am.

Nov, my chest tightens whenever these memories come up because for me it's too soon to move on. But I know, one day I'll think back to these memories and smile. But nobody can change anything, I will always be in love with you.

I remember telling you that you were beautiful because you really were. I remember giving you car rides with my hand on your thigh because I thought that the space between us was too far. I remember our gentle kisses, me kissing you with my hand on your cheek and other on your waist and your hands in my hair. I remember our rough kisses and that night we slept together. I remember every second of it. I remember the nights we shared, in your bedroom or mine, or on the rooftop were we spent hours looking into each other's eyes and murmuring stuff so that the moment did not break. And the truth is that I don't want to forget. I don't want you to be just another memory."

I did not need to think twice. To anyone, it would seem like I was insane talking to myself but to me, this was normal. It told here every day how much I loved her.

"You never leave my mind even if I have a billion things to worry about. You're always there."

"A thousand voices in my head whisper every day saying that I don't belong here and should go away, but there's this one voice that makes it better. That makes it seem okay. That one voice out of thousands telling me to stay. Hannah makes me want to stay."

"Whenever I used to touch you, I touched happiness but now I'm painted blue.

Still, I find that I have to remind myself to breathe but I wonder why I even have to breathe. You stole the whole fucking ground from beneath my feet when you left.

And something inside of me keeps on hurting, maybe it's my soul, mourning the loss of its mate and that's why I need cigarets or vodka, or music turned so fucking loud that I can't think. I don't want to think.

I lie awake, blank expression, mindless, not numb. I know I'm not numb because I feel my body wearing out just by thinking I can't even walk the distance to my kitchen anymore, without feeling like breaking something or breaking down. And it sucks. It sucks so fucking much.

And when it's 5:18 in the morning, the clock keeps ticking and my eyes keep crying and my eyelids keep getting heavier and you keep hurting me and you keep not knowing it because you aren't here anymore.

But Nov it hurts so fucking bad to lose someone that was the reason you got out of bed in the morning, who gave you the reason to keep going because when I was with you love, it seemed like maybe, things would be okay.

I have told you this hundred of times but you were like my drug, and baby, I'm an addict, impatient for my next fix."

A hand on my shoulder stopped me from saying anything further. After a second of silence, Liam plopped down next to me. He spoke to Nov and I sat there in silence for the next hour, lost in my own thoughts.

"So, Hannah's turning two, huh?"Liam broke the ice.

"Yeah, she is."

"Anything planned?"

"I don't know, man. I don't even know anything about her properly. Her likes, dislikes, anything."

"But you're doing a great job, you know."

I shrugged in response, not looking Liam in the eye.

"Cut yourself some slack. You've adopted her just a few months ago, you can't know everything about her in such a short period. Things will be okay, Blaze. Have hope."

"Yeah, Hannah's sweet. She reminds me of Nov in so many ways. It's weird how similar they look. When her parents got into an accident and I was handed the case, I decided that I would adopt her and look after her. And at that moment, I wanted her to be my daughter." I said, drawing patters in the snow.

"I'm really proud of you, mate," Liam said and I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Thanks, Li." I made eye contact for the first time.

He widened his eyes looking at my red, swollen eyes but regained his composure after a second.

"How many times have I told you to talk to me, Blaze. Crying so much will do no good." He chided but it was half hearted. Sadness crept into his voice.

"I know, I promised to tell you whenever I was sad but I think you'd get tired of hearing that every day."

"B, I'm always there for you. Even at your worst times. Please understand that, okay?"

I merely nodded my head and I could hear Liam heave a sigh.

"It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad about it. It's okay to miss her, and it's okay you had wished you did something differently. But please never blame yourself for how things turned out when the situation was out of your hands, it wasn't your fault. Never tell yourself you can't do better or this is the end if the road. Fate has a time and place for all of us and nothing you do or say will change that. Sure, it's okay to fall, but it's never okay to stay down." Liam said, stirring something inside of me.

Not being able to say a word, I hugged him tight. I don't know where would I be today if I didn't have this dude.

Still, in an embrace, Liam spoke up, "You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of other, and then one day you look back and you'll see you've climbed a mountain."

"Thanks, man. I am okay, though" I thanked Liam but no amount of gratitude was enough.

But what he didn't know was I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all.

We sat there, talking for hours, looking back at memories and we talked about Nov and how great she was. We talked about her pranks and how sarcastic she was.

Around seven in the evening, Liam tossed me back car keys and said, "I'll be by the car."

I nodded my head and he walked away, leaving me behind with Nov.

I walked nearer, reading the headstone again.

"16th June 1998 - 19 May 2016.

Here lays Alaska November White.

A loving daughter, sister, and lover."

I remember how much I had to convince Nolan to put down the lover part, but after some requesting, he agreed. Maybe he saw how desperate I was.

"A heart of gold stopped beating,

Two shining eyes at rest,

God broke our hearts to prove

he only takes the best."

I kissed my two fingers and placed them on her headstone. I gave the grave a longing gaze and turned around, walking away with tears in my eyes and death in my heart.

"Hey, Nov? Do you know how to fix a broken heart because this pain isn't going to go anywhere."

_________________

So, Those Perfect Flaws is officially complete (: Thank you, everyone, for being here, voting and commenting. Means a lot, honestly. This book has reached over 6.5K reads and over 1.11K votes and I'm pretty satisfied with it. Thank you, again.

Also, guys, try the grounding method when you have any anxiety or panic attacks. The reason I put it there is because it might help someone. Share it and it just might be useful to someone too :)

Take care of yourself and love your body and yourself just the way it is. Each of you is beautiful/handsome and smart and charming and so many people love you. You deserve the world and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. You mean a lot. Someone's life wouldn't have been the same if you didn't exist. You are great.

Have a nice day! (Or night, seeing most of us lie awake at three in the morning reading books on here, haha.)

All the love,
Pia xx

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