Date: 25th January, 2016.

Edited on: 23rd June, 2016.

I'm so sleepy and tired. It's 3 am. My exams are coming up and I all want to do is write and watch American Horror Story. Life sucks.

"It's kinda weird how when you're depressed,
sadness clings to you.

And you cling to it.
It becomes all you ever know.

You start to wonder if
you were ever truly happy.

Everything becomes a blur of pain.

Everything, even living, takes effort,
and effort takes motivation
that you just don't have anymore.

Everything you see becomes another thing
that could be used to hurt or kill yourself with."

ALASKA'S POV

A month later.

I sat on my bed with my knees pulled up to my chest, with my chin on them at three in the morning. These dreams, nightmares were getting worse day by day. More violent. Scary. Sleep had became a myth. If I was lucky, I would get two or three hours of sleep.

There wasn't anyone I could talk to without sounding ridiculous. I could still see marks for a few seconds. It was so weird and I don't know, terrifying? My mum always told me I had a vivid imagination.

I didn't know what to do. I was beyond terrified. I was rocking  back and forth to calm myself from that horrible dream.I was tired of this but I couldn't do anything about it. I thought about calling Liam but I couldn't. If I called him over, Liz would get mad. As it is, she was acting all cold and distant towards me because I was was 'almost dating'  Liam.

So much fucking drama.

And Blaze was a completely different story. Yes, he did stay with us but he never ever talked to me. Not even once. This was the longest time we had gone without talking. I missed him but fuck him and his motherfucking ego.

A few minutes later, my alarm beeped and I got out of the bed, thankful I had school. Weird, right? But now school was the only thing that helped me keep my mind off things and keep me sane. Yeah, my academic record was going down but whatever I did was long forgotten after a few seconds.

Procrastination had become my religion because I couldn't concentrate on anything.

My appetite had decreased too and I didn't mind, I didn't care.

I got out of the shower, already in my under clothes and walked towards my closet. I pulled out the first thing I saw and quickly threw on those clothes. Shorts and a sweatshirt? Okay then. I did the usual routine, putting on mascara, combing my hair, blah blah blah.

Liam beeped his car's horn and I grabbed a small carton of mixed fruit juice on the way out. I got into the car and kicked up my Converse covered shoes on his dashboard and greeted Liam.

He just shook his head and we went on the way to the school. I sunk deeper into the seat and made myself comfortable. Liam just focused on driving, him telling about why he got mad at his father this morning. We didn't believe in having small talk.

I remember how me and Blaze absolutely hated having small talk. We texted each other without saying hello and he used to tell me why he got mad at his father. He told me why did he have an Europe shaped scar just below his right ear. He used to send me paragraphs about the time when he spent his holidays at his grandma's place. The girl's names and photos with whom he hooked up with. He used to call me when I was half asleep and told me why he didn't really believe in God. He told me about the first time when he saw his granddad cry. He used to go on and on for hours about the things that weren't important and I hung to every single piece of it. He used to tell me everything. We were never the ones who talked about the weather when things got awkward or we had nothing to say.

"Hey baby, you okay? You just spaced out after I started talking about me getting mad at my father." Liam asked, briefly glancing my way.

"Just peachy." I replied, trying to keep out the sarcasm from my voice.

"You don't have to lie to me, you know?" He said.

"Yeah yeah" I said waving him off.

The rest of the ride was sent, both of us lost in our thoughts. Well, I, too tired to talk.

Does Blaze think about me like I think about him? How often? Never? I don't know.

We reached the school and got to the class in time. I slumped down in my seat, hiding my face with my hair, Liam right besides me. We didn't really talk during classes because I tried my best paying attention in them.

~•~•~•~•~•

We all were gathered around the lunch table with Blaze right across me and Liam to me left  during our lunch.

Obviously Nov. During lunch, when else?

I rolled my eyes mentally at  myself. Blaze used to call me Nov.

I was so so tired. I needed caffeine.

"I need coffee. Shitload of it." I said to nobody in particular.

Blaze got up and left the table and I just put my head down, resting it on my folded hands. A few seconds later, I heard a cup being placed on the table and I looked up. Blaze sat back down in his seat, sliding a warm cup of coffee towards me. I thanked him and I'm sure my eyes showed the gratitude as well. Everyone around the table fell silent and looked at us.

"You look like a homeless hobo." Leo said looking right at me.

"Mhm, I know. Thats what two hours of sleep does to you." I said looking at my cup of coffee.

"And you cuss a lot less." Ashton added.

I shrugged.

"We haven't heard your sarcastic remarks in days. I miss them" Sean said, pouting.

What is he, five? Who pouts?!

"Oh and your snarky attitude. Where's your sass? You weren't yourself last night at dinner." Damien added.

Everyone looked at us as if we both were aliens from outer space and I saw Blaze's jaw clench. He needs to fucking chill. Or get laid. I dismissed that idea completely, immediately.

"What? His dad and my dad are partners. We meet for dinner quite often." I mildly defended, not liking the looks on others' faces.

"Well, thats news." Blaze spoke up. I narrowed my eyes at him, not saying anything just yet. I got up and made my way towards the coffee machine, making that the fourth coffee of that day. When I returned back, both Blaze and Damien looked mad. "What just happened?" I asked.

Before Blaze could open his mouth to deny anything, Sean spoke up, "Blaze is just jelly that Kyle is getting closer to Damien than him."

"Also, jealous of you getting closer to Liam than him." Liz said. Butterflies erupted in my stomach and I tried super hard to control my blush. As always, I blushed and hid my face with my hair.

"I am not jealous of Liam!" Blaze protested but nobody believed him, including me. The lunch went by in this pattern and in no time, it was time for classes.

The teacher droned on and on about the World War II and I'm sure more than half of the class was asleep. She didn't know how to teach. She could make the most interesting topic in the world, boring.

"Alaska, who were the alliances of World War II?" she asked me with a glare, as if she could read my thoughts.

"The Axis powers consisted of Germany, Italy, Japan, Hungary, Romani and Bulgaria and The Allies consisted of The U.S., Britain, France, USSR, Australia, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, China, Denmark, Greece, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Poland, South Africa and Yugoslavia." I replied, ticking off  the countries off my fingers with a half smirk.

That bitch thought I didn't know the answer.

She became red face (probably due to embarrassment or anger, I don't know) and turned back, starting to teach again.  I simply chuckled and took down notes from the board.

I walked to the next lecture, thinking about the mini dream cum nightmare I got during my short napping in the history lecture after I answered the question. I was going insane.

I spaced out, thinking, analysing why I get the dreams when I got. I was being shaken by Liz. I blinked my eyes several times after I opened them and heard Mr. Montez calling my name. I just nodded my head in question and then was ordered to meet him after the class. Who gives a fuck? I'll get a detention at the most. Haven't got them in a while.

Soon, I was brought out of my daydreaming when the kids started moving out of the class. I walked up to Mr. Montez with a sullen expression. I'd rather be watching the boys playing football than be stuck here with him.

"Whats wrong with you? Is something or someone troubling you?" He asked with a gentle tone I didn't know he was capable of having.

"Nothing is." I replied with a shrug and kept my facial expression neutral.

"The teachers are worried. You're acting weird and space off a lot, you grades are dropping. You were the toppers of the school. You know, you can always talk to the school councillor." He reasoned.

"Thanks, but no thanks." I said and made my way out of there. Sure, I was grateful for their concern, but I didn't have the time, nor the energy. I moved towards my locker, transferring the books I needed in my bag and walked towards the bleachers.

I sat down, setting the bag by my legs and resting my elbows on the knees, my chin on my palm. I watched the boys run after the ball, for their football practice. A game was coming up. Blaze looked so hot, I couldn't even. Two hours passed by, me watching them play and reading 'Tell Me Your Dreams'.

A sweaty Liam walked over, jogging up the stairs and put his arm towards me, walking me and him towards the team. I crinkled my nose and pushed him off me. He simply laughed.

"I don't like when you're all sweaty and over me." I said pushing him away, again.

"That's not what you said last night when I was over you." He shot back. I widened my eyes and hit him on his torso scolding him, my cheeks turning red.

Everyone's reactions were comical. They burst out laughing after a second. And as you guessed, except Blaze. He was in his new 'normal' stance with his jaw clenched and his hands in a fist by his side glaring at me and Liam. He finally spoke up, "Don't make those sort of jokes." in a very deathly tone.

Liam being Liam, didn't take it seriously and said, "Why? Does it bother you?" He said with an eyebrow raised.

"So what if it does?" Blaze said with a challenging tone. Luckily, Noah being the smart wise one, stopped the fight before it started. We all could feel Blaze getting cold and distant towards Liam.

Okay then Blazey, suit yourself.

Finally when practise was over and the boys were clean after a shower, we all drove home in separate cars, I with Liam. I quickly bid him goodbye when he parked outside my home and kissed him on the cheek. The bastard just smirked back.

I climbed the stairs to my room quickly and set my bag down. I changed into comfy sweatpants and a tank top and laid back on the bed.

"So what if it does?" Blaze's voice played back in my mind. I could tell he misses me, like I miss him. I know him like the back of my hand after all. I know what was he thinking when Liam walked me down. When Blaze and I talked, he'd always come and hug me when he was sweaty after the practise, taking care that I was squeezed tightly and I got covered in his sweat too. Fun times.

To get my mind off things, I switched on my MacBook and played 'Criminal Minds' on Netflix. I don't know when did I fall asleep but I was sort of glad, sort of scared when I did.

+ + + + + + + + + +

The dream started like it always did. Cold, dark, scary, smelly.

This time it was me who got dragged to the chair instead of me walking there myself. I thrashed around in their hold. I wanted to run. I wanted to escape. It was them, their faces getting clearer by the passing second. I gasped when I realised who they were. I couldn't recall their names but I definitely had seen them before.

I got handcuffed instead of them tying ropes around my hands. The metal was cold against my warm skin. The handcuffs were heavy. If I tried to move my hands, they would bleed definitely. I struggled, trying to get free. The two people just stood there, amused as they saw me trying to get free. They made me sick.

The regular routine of me getting hit took place but just more violently. I got hit by things that hurt. I couldn't defend myself. The worst part was I couldn't stop crying. I felt so weak. So helpless. I could taste iron my my mouth which meant I was bleeding. I didn't care though. The moment I woke up, it would all be over.

Noticing my legs were untied sheerly after, I stood up. But that was what they were waiting for. As soon as I stood up, my head was hit my something hard and before I could even blink, I was on the floor, my head surrounded my own blood.

I bled to death.

+ + + + + + + + + +

I woke up, tired and scared. I immediately looked down at my hands. Same exact marks where the handcuffs were. I didn't know what to do.

"So what if I do?" Blaze's voice rung inside my head.

Without thinking, I picked up my phone, dialling his number with shaky hands and tear stained cheeks. He didn't pick up. It went to voicemail. I cut the call. I had no one. I went to get the first coffee of the day at four in the morning with this thought in my head.

___________

Sorry for the late update. Longer than usual. Views?

All the love,
Pia xx

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