Date: 15th May, 2016.

I had to rewrite the whole thing because wattpad is a dickhead and didn't save whatever I had written. Brace yourselves because this is going to be long.

"No matter how high I crank up the volume when our song comes on the radio,

Some how, it is not enough to drown the sound of my heart breaking."

BLAZE'S POV

I climbed on podium and looked towards the mass of people. I recognised most of them as Nov's relatives and our friends. There was Aunt Christina, Uncle Dave, Tyler, Nov's cousin and many more I recognised easily. Her therapist too, Lily Mathews was there as well. I knew them all like the back of my hand.

Why did you have to go, Nov?

"Hey, I'm Blaze, Nov's- Alaska's boyfriend. I have practically known her since we were born and I don't regret a single minute I have spent with her." I paused.

Blinking back some tears, I continued, "We always ended up talking about random and unimportant things, may it be dictionaries or swimming pools or birthday parties. I distinctly remember this one time we were talking about eulogies. She said, "It's not eulogy, stupid. It's ewwlogy and we had laughed about it. I never thought I would actually be speaking an eulogy for her at such an young age. She wasn't even 18 for fu-God's sake." My voice cracked a bit in the end.

"She deserved more days than she got. She was smart, intelligent and very hard working. It may sound like I am talking about my daughter but she way my baby. Oh, and don't get me started on how sassy she was." I laughed lightly.

More tears started falling. "We were very close and practically lived with each other. We had this tradition of watching movies every Friday night. She can never do that again now. We can never do that. She never drank anything except Redbull and now she can't legally drink, ever. She can never enter an University of her choice. She can never start her own family, with me, obviously." I said jokingly, but cried along.

"The hardest part is letting go of the nights we shared. I want her back. She isn't gone. She can't be gone." A sob escaped my lips. But I continued, thinking wherever Nov is, she would be listening to me. "The first night she was in the ICU, I wasn't allowed to go inside. But I needed to see her, see if she was going to be alright, so I sneaked in. All sorts of wires were attached to her and her skin was unusually pale. Her eyes shut close, eyelashes casting a shadow on her cheeks, and in that moment she looked so peaceful yet so in pain. She looked so fragile that I couldn't bear to touch her, thinking I will break her. The red marks from before were comically standing out from her extremely pale skin of her arms. All I ever wanted to do was to hold her, but I couldn't. So I just settled on giving her a lingering kiss on her forehead and held her hand until the sun came up." I stared ahead, looking past the crowd.

//Play 'If I Could Fly' by One Direction (in the attachment)\\

"She was my angel- She is my angel and will always remain my angel. How ironic it is that she is literally an angel now." I looked at Nov's mother and saw her cry more as I said that part.

"When I got the news of her death, all I could think of was that it was all a stupid April fool's joke and she would open her eyes and laugh at my reaction, then say, "Ha! I fooled you!" but she was already long gone and she took my heart with her. I cannot love anyone just as deeply as I love her. I cannot replace her at any cost. She will always hold a special place in my heart, no matter what." I paused for a solid minute, trying to calm the tsunami building inside me.

"She didn't even care what others thought of her, she did what she wanted to, spoke back to teachers, got into trouble. She lived everyday like it was her last. We stopped talking for a while and I blame it on me and in all honesty, I regret not talking to her for that time. We could have made so much out it."

"I don't want to live in a world without her. I don't wanted to be reminded or be seen. If we could only have this life for one more day, if we could only turn back time, I'd protect her with everything I have in me. I wouldn't let her go."

"Whenever we argued, I felt like I had drowned six shots straight, my throat would burn. Her voice calmed me down and I could listen to her talk all day. It made me clench my knuckles thinking about what if I never get to hear her laugh again."

My knuckles were clenched.

"When I removed her clothes, I looked at her face, that expression of pure joy and innocence, not her body. She always saw the best in people. You could leave her a billion times and she would always remember the two times you stayed. You could call her a thousand mean things but she would remember that one time you called her brilliant. You could never be there for her but she would always be there for you."

"I have spent the last two days locked up in my room trying to accept the fact she's really gone. I cannot believe it. I used to kiss her lips and since her death, I spent the first day kissing the bottle of Vodka. I cannot seem to let her go. She was my everything and frankly, I want her back."

"I couldn't wait to come home to her. I loved all the little things she did unknowingly, whether it be her furrowing her eyebrows when she was confused or her scrunching up her nose while laughing or how her eyes crinkled when she smiled. I could go on and on. I don't think I could ever move on from her because she was my first love, and apparently my last too. And always will be. Rest in peace, baby girl."

"She always told me to sing for her, but I never did. I know, it's too late but here goes nothing."

"If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you,

I think I might give up everything, just ask me to,

Pay attention, I hope that you listen cause I let my guard down,

Right now I'm completely defenceless.

For your eyes only, I show you my heart,

For when you're lonely and forget who you are,

I'm missing half of me when we're apart,

Now you know me, for your eyes only,

For your eyes only."

Continued singing the whole song, and looked over the pews. Most of them had tears in their eyes and so did I. I cannot believe this earth had lost such a beautiful angel.

"I love you, Nov." With that said, I broke down.

The sound of my helpless cries filled the room and I had no will to carry on with my life. There was no reason for me to live now that my reason to get out of the bed every morning was gone. The one that gave me a reason to keep going, was gone. The one who made it seem that everything was okay is gone. Collecting myself, I stood up and walked to where Nov's casket was, open. I stood there and ran my fingers through her face.

She had this beautiful black dress on and her hair fell perfectly around her face. Her arms were crossed and the slightly chipped nail polish was replaced with neatly done black nail polish. I took in her features, bent down and kissed her on the forehead. Then her lips. After giving her a longing gaze, I turned around and stumbled down next to Noah on the bench.

I don't know how did I end up a foot from the hole that was dug six feet deep, but I did. There was a rose in my hand and Kyle had one in his too. I stood there, my jaw clenched as they lowered Nov down. After she was placed securely, Kyle threw in his rose. I kissed the rose tenderly and knelt down. I gently threw down the rose and I stood up, dusting my pants.

Shortly after, everyone left but I stood there in the heavy rain.

Noah and Liam had to drag me back home.

All I felt was numb. Empty. Hollow.

I sat on my bed, wet to the bone and tugged on my damp hair. I was going insane. I threw open my closet door and ripped off all the clothes. I needed to release this anger, this sadness and I didn't care if anything was destroyed in the way.

I thrashed the place completely. There were empty liquor bottles everywhere. I ripped the last piece of clothing from the cupboard, on the floor but a small device fell along with it. It was my phone. I picket it up and pressed the lock button.

One voicemail from Nov.

It was dated the day of the incident. I checked the phone battery, it was on 1%. I sprinted and put my phone on charge.

I sat on the bed with my head in my hands. I was not strong enough to open the voicemail and listen to it but at the same time, I wanted to. Nov had said something and I wanted to listen to her sweet voice again. I laid back down on my bed, between the mess I had made and ran my fingers through my hair.

I picked up a half empty bottle off the floor and took a swing. The alcohol burned my throat and I loved the way it made me feel.  After I was done with the bottle, I stood up and walked to the nightstand to revive my phone, cutting my foot in the process. But I didn't care if I bled out so I did nothing except seeing the blood pour out on the floor.

Pain was the only thing telling me that I was alive.

Without further thinking, I picked up my phone and clicked on the voicemail. I was greeted with silence.

I listened closer and I could hear Nov breathing.

Breathing.

That one word brought so much of pain. She was breathing back then. Healthy and fully alive.

"Hey Blaze." Her sweet voice flowed from the phone. It was just like honey. That voice was like music to my ears. She paused, hesitating, contemplating something. "I know I just saw you a few hours ago and talked to you minutes ago and I know you're asleep because I could hear the soft snores when I was talking to you but I can't help but feel something is wrong Blaze."

I was addicted to the way she said my name.

"I don't know, its just a feeling in my gut." Her voice was paranoid now. "And I know I'm being silly. You'll be here tomorrow morning, waking me up." Her voice was shaky and with every word, my heart was breaking.

I wasn't there for her when she needed me.

"You'll tell me how stupid I was being and nothing would be wrong. You will be here tomorrow morning and everything would be alright. I'm just being delusional and paranoid." Her breaths were slightly uneven and I could just feel she was close to having a panic attack.

"Anyways Blaze, I hope you sleep well and get your sexy ass here as soon as you wake up. I lo-like you a lot." She paused again.

"Oh, fuck it. I love you, Blaze Scott Ryder and I have for a long period of time, and not in the friendly way."

I looked at my foot. It was still bleeding and some blood of the blood had dried too. I'd clean it up later, anyway.

"I love how you make me feel. I love how you do whatever you do and I notice all the little things you do and I'm in love with all of your habits. I would list them, but I already have written so much about you and I don't want to embarrass myself further soooo you'll know only when you read my diary." She giggled slightly and a small smile graced my features.

"But seriously, I can see it now. Waking up next to you one day. Our kids waking us up by bouncing up and down on us and then we'd laugh and be a huge happy family. I want that with you, Blaze. I want a family with you."

She paused and I know what she was thinking. 'This is like talking to myself.'

"I don't know why am I speaking anymore B, this is like talking to myself." I chuckled a bit. "But oh well, I don't care. I don't think I would tell all of this to your face. But just know that I want you. I want that sleepy confused look when you wake up, that smile that follows. I want to be the warmth that fills up your bed and I want to be the sheets your fingers crave at night, I want to be that blanket around you all night. I want to be stubborn, quick and sassy with you. I want to have differences between us too. And I want you and your flaws. All of them. I want to go to the deepest corners of your mind and chase what you crave, give it to you. You deserve the whole world. I want you but I never, ever want to share you. You belong to me and nobody else."

"And you know some people are good at love and some of them are good at being in love. They are two different things.

Being in love is the romantic part, sex all the time, midday naps in the sheets, the jokes, the laughs, the long conversations with no pauses, overwhelming thoughts, separation and anxiety. Just the best sides of two people.

But love? Love begins when the excitement starts to fade away, the stress in life sets in, the sex becomes a chore, the tears, the sadness, the arguments come into the picture. The worst sides of these two people are shown.

But you know,after all that, I would still want you in my life and I know you would want me too. So I love you and I'm not afraid of loving you. I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Hope you slept well, babe."

The voicemail ended.

I knew Nov was a hell of a writer but I didn't know she was this good.

Blaze, you could have done something to save her.

It was my fault she was gone. I could have stayed awake that night and I could go see her and everything would be alright and she would still be here. It was all my fault.

I felt awful about everything but the thing that depressed me the most was that I couldn't tell her that I loved her with all my heart too. That I loved everything about her too. I wanted to be the things that she wanted to be too. I wanted to spend my life with her and start a family with her too.

But now, it was too late.

So if you're reading this, please tell the person you love that you love them and remind them every single day before its too late.

__________________

Position: #1 in Teen Fiction

So it's done. It is over. Thank you guys for reading this, I'm really very thankful.

I'm sorry if you don't like the ending but this is how it will be. I will not post any 'alternate' ending because that would mean I am not happy with this ending but this is how it is, and how it should be.

Also, there will be no sequel.

All the love,
Pia xx

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