1:19am

So I needed mason jars right, so I went to the shop with my dad but the mason jars that were there either had a lid with a straw in it or a jar without a lid at all so while I was thinking of ways to make a lid my dad said for me to come over to him, so I did, and he took the lid off of a mason jar that had a candle in it, made sure it fit the mason jars that we were buying and put it in his bag 💀 we stan

Don't call the police 🤭 👀 😋

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts/attempt

Au
—

Hi.

My name is Virgil.

Today my best friend is getting married. Today is also the worst day of my life.

I wasn't sitting on the rows of benches with the guests, no, I was standing beside the alter dressed in a black suit and a purple tie, a tie my best friend Roman specifically bought for me when he went on a trip to Spain a few years back. Coincidentally that was the trip he met his wife. Like he, she was going on a short holiday with her girl friends, living in the same area as they were back in America! How lucky, right!?

Lucky for some. For them.

I hated the tie yet loved it at the same time. It screamed my aesthetic yet sold in a country that ruined my life. Am I blaming Spain, a place I have never visited, for the sadness in my life? Yes, yes I am. I'm Virgil for fucks sake. What do you expect? Decency? Besides the point, whenever I wore it it felt like it was choking me, squeezing around my neck that little bit too tightly. I loosened it often but in reality it wasn't tight at all, resulting in it looking ruined and I get pinned as a slob for the rest of the night. I speak from experience. Thankfully not on the wedding day but a poorly tied tie is the least of my worries.

I knew the music would start soon, the doors would open and the bride would come walking through. Everyone would stand (the lucky bastards, at least they're allowed to sit) and smile all warmly at the woman in a dress. Me? Salty? No. Not at all.

Who am I kidding- salty is my middle fucking name.

They would cry, because of course they would, probably cus most of them aren't even married and they're longing for the feeling too, or they're divorced and wondering what went wrong- did I tell you I'm not the happiest person in the world? 

Roman sometimes looked over his shoulder at me with a smile and a look in his eyes that I couldn't help but smile back at, he's looked at me before like that, growing up it was all I saw. When we hung out, when we were halfway across the room from each other, after an argument when we'd apologise. It was engraved into my mind, drawn countless times from memory, pictures of that smile hung up in my room and were lodged in photo albums I kept in a box in my closet.

I hated that smile yet loved that smile. I hate and love a lot of things. Apart from cookie dough. There's nothing to hate about cookie dough.

The sounds of the door opening made the situation all the more real, when the piano blared to life I felt my eyes sting with tears. I looked up to see Roman turning his head to his right, a soft smile on his lips when he stared at his soon-to-be-wife. And she, of course, was beautiful.

Wearing all white was a perfect contrast to her olive skin, her brown eyes seemed to shine under bright lights which I'm sure will look even prettier when the vale was pulled back, matching her eyes her cascading hair was a honey brown, glowing under sunlight at any sort of angle. I hated how pretty she was, it seemed she and Roman were made for each other and every time I thought about it it made my blood boil.

She was a wonderful woman too, always polite, a jokester too. Basically she was perfect and I was jealous. There! I said it, jealous and for what?! Because I didn't see myself as perfect and compared myself to her all the time!? Yes! That's exactly it!!

How do I get out of it? What do I do...? What do I do to feel happiness again? The world has given up on me and when I looked up to see Roman and his wife kissing, I realised I gave up on myself too.

The party lasted into the night, I wasn't surprised. This is how parties go right? Hours spent dancing, drinking, eating. I hated it and wanted to go home. I had other friends there- Patton and Logan. They had a wedding two years ago, falling in love in high school and getting engaged at eighteen. They had to wait awhile before they could afford the wedding they wanted but holy shit was it beautiful. It was great to see them so happy, and they still are, the high-school sweethearts. Something most would wish for.

Something I wish for.

I went home before most, didn't even tell Roman. I felt guilty but I physically couldn't walk up to him if I wanted to, he was surrounded by family, friends, people I didn't know. Some part of me felt like it was best I left, because I felt like I was letting him...go. Letting him move on and be happier.

But I was wrong. For the worst day of my life the early hours of the next one wasn't so bad. Laying in my hotel room to have Roman show up out of nowhere worried sick because I failed to mention I had left made my heart soar and break at the same time. For a moment I wondered if the whole thing was off, if Roman wasn't getting married and he'd finally be single again but-!

No. He was just worried.

We hung out for a bit, before Roman left we shared a hug. Unusually longer than any normal one, I guess because I didn't want to let him go. But he left and I was alone again, like always.

If you haven't guessed yet, yes I have a crush, the biggest, fattest, most excruciating crush I've ever had in my life. And that was the thing, it's the only crush I've ever had in my life. I fell in love with my best friend at the ripe old age of thirteen and the feeling never faded, in fact it grew.

Of course it would, he was my rock, the person who comforted me on my lowest days, in my worst moments - there for me when I needed a hug, or someone to hold my hand, or someone to whisper everything will be okay. He knew exactly what to do when I had panic attacks, knows all of my secrets, boundaries, he even knows my kinks for fucks sake! Please do not judge me we were both drunk but thankfully nothing like that happened.

And remember I mentioned I teared up during the ceremony? Not because I was divorced and wondered what went wrong, partly because I wanted to experience it, mostly because finally the floodgates unlocked and realisation struck me like a train head on.

I lost my chance.

Years. Fucking years. We've known each other for years and yet I watched the love of my life get married to someone else. Maybe I wouldn't be so upset if I tried but failed, maybe I wouldn't be so upset if we did date but it didn't work out and we stayed friends, but the regret? The deep, burning, fiery pits of regret? It hurts. And that's all I can say. It hurts. I don't need to say how much, I don't even think I could come up with a reasonable example, but you understand, right? Whether or not you've been in this position or something similar.

It. Fucking. Hurts.

I didn't realise my body would turn into a family resort for feelings but here we fucking are! Oh look, there's deep emotional pain going down the water slide again! Wish I could murder it!

But...that's not how feelings work. Talk it out? Fuck, I've been doing that for years. Therapist after therapist nothing has worked, it doesn't even matter at this point. I made the biggest mistake of my life, I hit rockbottom and while the phrase does state there's nowhere else to go but up I feel like I can't. I'm stuck in a hole and no one is throwing down a rope.

As you can tell, most of my living years was spent on Tumblr.

You know what's good, though? I can find it in myself to be happy for my best friend. I know getting married to the love of his life was something he's wanted since he came out the fucking womb and seeing him on that day I knew he got what he wanted. Which meant I couldn't get what I wanted. Maybe I'm selfish but...some times I get tired of spending all my nights empty, y'know?

Is it so bad to just want happiness in a life it's so rare?

...I think life would have passed by in a blur if it weren't for Roman. If it weren't for how, even if he's married, we still spend the exact same amount of time with each other during the week. He always, always, spends time with me alone. He sacrifices work time, time with his family, other friends, his fucking wife...for me.

We can hang out together with others, I even suggested that once but he told me, and I quote (because yes I remember shit like this shut up); time spent with you isn't the same when others are in the way.

I didn't forget about that. I wrote it down. Hid it in my journal not even Roman has read. Yeah, it's that secretive. But for a reason. It's filled with quotes and pictures of Roman, to anything cute he says to things that make my heart go wild even to this day. A sure-fire way to make myself cry is to open that journal. Countless pages are stained with tears from the past and I'm not even mad about it.

I am the definition of love-struck idiot, make fun of me all you want. I do it too.

The year passed by like any other. Apart from the wedding it didn't feel any...different. The same old 'I'm in love but he doesn't return the feelings' type thing. Sometimes I get annoyed when I see his wife but I'll be honest, I don't see much of her. She's usually not home when I come over and of course I won't see her when Roman comes to mine. He never brings her over. I asked him about it once.

Your house is special to me. It's always just you, or you and me. I don't want it touched by anyone else.

I told him you, me and occasionally the plumber. That made him laugh- which was good. Making him laugh made me feel warm inside. I adored the feeling so much, I wish I could feel it all the time.

But...I guess I should have noticed what was really going on.

It was a day like any other, me and Roman were having a sleepover, eating popcorn while watching the newest Disney movie on Netflix. I got a text, from Patton. He wondered if I wanted to spend time with him and Logan, I responded telling him no, I was with Roman, our time together was special and while I loved my two close friends I wouldn't want anyone else there.

Patton didn't respond for a few minutes which was unusual, he always got the last text, but he finally responded with something that should have set off red flags.

Isn't it his anniversary today?

I couldn't tell you how many days I've cried because of my feelings. I lost count too long ago now. I hated it because if Roman ever came over or made an impromptu call I had to lie to him because he knew instantly if I had been crying recently or not. Thankfully he buys the lies, but that doesn't make me feel any better - especially when he treats me with such love and compassion to make me feel better.

It works, but it also tears me up inside like nothing else. Like a blender stuffed with my insides.

Sometimes, especially during those moments, I want to ripe out my heart, shove it into Roman's hands and scream I love you not in a platonic way, in a romantic way, I want to tell him everything, every last detail, down to how many times I've counted the freckles on his beautiful face but...I can't.

My emotions get to me a lot, sometimes I wished I were a robot. Sometimes I wished I was never even born. But I never, ever wished I didn't meet Roman. Even if I'd have to spend the rest of my life with a broken heart I wouldn't wish away our friendship - not for the world.

The rest of the year was terrible. Oh the nights, the fucking nights where I couldn't sleep because I was crying so much, the days where I physically couldn't move because I felt so strongly there was no point. The weeks that would go by, everything else forgotten other than the time spent with the love of my fucking life. The man that was unknowingly ruining but at the same time making my life the best it could ever be.

It was December when I felt like I couldn't go on. I was crawling through life, could you blame me? Dragging myself on and on with no real goal, with nothing other than Roman, but Roman was starting a family, a new life with his wife and I couldn't be there anymore. I'm selfish, I know I am, but when the thoughts became overwhelming I had nowhere else to turn to. Please believe me, I only did it because I didn't want to be so sad.

But on that day I realised something, something I missed, something big, because I was stuck in my own thoughts, my wallowing self pity.

I was sitting on the edge of a cliff, gazing out at the calm ocean with a blank stare. I liked the soft brush of air on my skin, it was soothing, relaxing. Lulling me into a sense of security before I'd commit the deed.

But then my phone vibrated. I looked at the caller ID and only answered because it was him. A broken, harrowing voice came through the speaker. Words barely audible between the sobs and cries of pain.

Where are you!?

Roman!? What-

Where are you!?

That night he told me everything and I cried too, cried because I felt so bad for him, and because of the guilt. I had focused so much on myself I didn't realise how much he spent over my house, how frequent his sleepovers were becoming, how I never saw his wife even though we spent so much time together.

She was okay, of course she was, but their marriage? Far from it. It was crumbling, breaking in their hands and they couldn't control it. They argued a lot, were at each other's throats nearly all the time. And Roman admitted outright why, and it broke my heart.

It was because of me.

A week later I came into my house after finishing work, entering my room I nearly lost my shit when I saw someone else but calmed down when I realised it was her. Roman's wife.

In her hand was a picture I had hung up on the wall, a polaroid of me and Roman. I was staring at the camera, he was staring at me with that smile. The same one he gave me on his wedding day.

She turned to me with a bitter smile on her face.

He never looked at me like this

Saying this alone made a few tears drop down from her cheeks.

You know the first time I saw this look? On our wedding day. But it wasn't directed at me.

I didn't really know what to do, still a little freaked out she somehow got in plus the fact me and her have never really...talked. Roman kept us pretty separate, never hanging out with us at the same time, he never really told me much either. I guess I should have noticed that too.

Next time he looks at you, look at him

She thrusted the picture into my hands and I held onto it tight, noticing how in all the pictures where Roman is looking at me, I'm never looking at him.

Maybe then you won't let him marry someone else to try and not feel so sad

I never really saw her again, not that I minded. I knew she was a lovely woman but she deserved to be with different people, seeing me would just bring up painful memories. I learned to accept that.

They got a divorce. I wasn't invited to come, but I guess it wasn't a party. I didn't expect to see Roman for quite some time, honestly I thought he'd lock himself up for awhile to deal with the pain by himself but he turned up on my doorstep the very same day. Opening the door was a horrible sight, he looked a mess, a kicked puppy that merely wanted a home.

I let him in, why the fuck would I not? I love the man for fucks sake.

I brought him to the couch, made him a hot chocolate, got snacks and cuddled under blankets for hours with him, I hugged him when he began to cry, soothed him with words until he calmed down and carried on in silence, comforting silence that in the end eased us both.

It was late when we both decided to go to sleep, after pausing the movie I could feel Roman's eyes on me. And this time I looked. Of course I always looked when he was looking at me in the past but this time I really looked, and I think he did too, for this time we looked...and kissed. With the glow of the television as our only light.

I felt like I needed to write this for a lot of reasons. But I can't be bothered to explain them all, just know I needed to put it somewhere, to look back on and remember.

I'm writing it now and yes both Patton and Logan are annoyed because I'm delaying everything but I couldn't put it off for any longer. Besides I felt now was the right time. Wanna know why?

Hi.

My name is Virgil.

Today my best friend is getting married. Today is also the best day of my life.

—
We love when things come in a full circle

1:32am