11:42pm

Patton angst time? Feels like forever since I've done it!

Trigger warning: Bullying, trust issues, verbal abuse, homophobia, suicidal thoughts

Au
—

"I don't want him to play!"

"Yeah...he's weird"

"Go away weirdo!"

Patton's eyes cracked open, flickering up to the alarm that blared atop his bedside table. Letting out a gentle sigh he rose a hand and swiftly shut it off, slowly curling the comfortingly warm blanket around him further, but he knew he couldn't stay in here for long, otherwise he'd be late for work - and he couldn't afford that.

After a few more minutes of fading in and out of sleep, the young man sat up in bed, yawned and rubbed his eyes groggily. He's been nothing but tired recently...or maybe for awhile, he hasn't really kept track.

Sliding out of bed his body yearned to return but he pressed on into the kitchen, pouring himself a small bowl of cereal. He didn't even know the name of the brand, just knew they were flakes. Reaching into the fridge, he pulled out a bottle of milk, unscrewed the lid and poured. To his surprise chunks of the stuff splattered into the bowl, and he twisted his nose when the stench hit him. He forgot the milk had gone off...he really needed to go grocery shopping.

Leaving the milk on the counter he threw out the cereal, now ruined by the milk, and decided against eating to change and brush his teeth.

"Look, Pat, it's not that we don't like you...we just-"

"It is!"

"Well, yeah, we just didn't think you'd hang out with us for so long, you know?"

The drive to work was silent, Patton had meant to play music from his phone but when he tried to turn it on it was dead. He needed to charge it...he'd do it when he got to work. As it was so early there weren't as many cars on their own commute to work, leaving Patton a relatively calm and lonely drive. It was nice, he wasn't ever stuck in traffic nor did he have to pay attention so much to other drivers - he merely had to focus on himself. Which was nice...he doesn't do it often. Maybe he should.

Pulling into the parking lot of his work, he reached to the passenger seat and tugged his bag onto his shoulder. Inside was the few necessities he needed, including lunch which was only a sandwich. He found he isn't really that hungry during the day (or night for that matter) and could suffice with a sandwich and small meal later.

Leaving his phone in the cubby hole before the passenger seat, he left and locked his car, taking the short walk over to the front doors of the building. He was always the first one in, but thankfully the first one to leave. Using his keys he unlocked the door, ears instantly bombarded with the sounds of animals. He found the only job he could really commit to would he one based with animals, after finding this shelter he knew it was perfect.

The animals were lovely, and they had such a wide range. Patton could even remember all their names.

After setting up the reception area, he went round back and greeted the animals, changing their water and giving them all their breakfast. He also cleaned up any mess in their cages and generally fixed them up ready for the day ahead, hoping people would be willing to adopt. All these animals wanted was a home.

Maybe that's why Patton was so close to them. After all, one connects more with someone they have a lot in common with.

He smiled at each co-worker who arrived, all at different times but not long between, they smiled back but didn't talk - they all knew Patton wasn't a talker, and only conversed with him when they needed something from him. Say; dog food, fur brushes, blankets, towels, etcetera.

He didn't mind much, besides he doesn't try and carry on conversation anyway. He learnt the hard way that's not always the best thing to do.

"He's such a fucking loner"

"How has he not killed himself yet?"

"Wish he'd hurry up and do it"

Patton gently scooped up a small yet calm dog from their enclosure, bringing him to reception where two young women both smiled and gushed at his 'adorable small face'. The owner of the establishment smiled warmly at Patton, he was one of his best workers lest his quiet behaviour - if he could work in a team he would be perfect, but his boss would never force that, besides Patton's activities didn't involve team work as such, compared to others.

Patton hardly listened to the conversation between the couple and the boss, just knowing when a red collar was clipped around the dogs neck that he would be going home. Softly placing him down and hooking on the lead, he gave it to his boss and padded back to his previous job of taking the dogs for walks in the forest outback. It was perfect as it gave lots of space for the dogs to run around on longer leads without worry of being hit by a car or bothering people.

He had a short lunch break, barely five minutes, but it didn't take him long to eat a sandwich. Soon he was back at it again, finishing with the dogs walk and moving onto the cats enclosure, surveying what had already been done and completing small tasks that could be improved or simply weren't finished as of yet. The people in charge of the cat enclosure didn't mind one bit, at this point Patton was quite the professional on most the animals there - they embraced the help. Besides they'd hate to turn Patton away, he was so sweet yet so...sad.

He never frowned, but his smile wasn't a smile. Like a mask, something to keep people away, try to lie and reassure them he's fine. But it's also a sign he doesn't want to be asked. And so they didn't.

Maybe they should've.

"You didn't invite him, did you!?"

"As a joke!"

"Ugh, I can't believe he actually turned up"

Four O'clock rolled around pretty soon, Patton's clocking off time. Although if he were in the middle of something he'd wait until finishing, fortunately for him he had finished all tasks for that day. It was a Wednesday, nothing too busy or gruelling, oddly enough Thursdays were the worst, Mondays coming in a close second.

"See you tomorrow" his boss smiled as Patton tugged on his jacket. The man made a non-committal hum in response, opening up the front doors and leaving. The boss glanced at one of the staff members who was also in the room, raising an eyebrow as a silent question. They shrugged then sighed, everyone felt concerned for their fellow co-worker, but whenever they asked he lied, lied and lied. It was obvious their concern wasn't welcome, or wanted for that matter.

Getting into his car, Patton took out his phone and turned it on, frowning when he noticed it was dead. He should charge that when he got home. Roaring the engine to life, he pulled out the parking lot and took the long route - not because he particularly liked driving, simply to avoid the traffic and busy rush of cars on the main road.

Besides, this beaten out track was much more scenic, and he rarely came across another car, more often than not someone walking instead.

It was a beautiful day, the sky blue and cloudless, the tall hedges alive and healthily green, the temperature perfect with such a subtle breeze it was barely noticeable yet brought ease. Patton would've basked in it, happily parked the car somewhere and just laid down to gaze upwards and relax, but he hadn't done that in awhile, in a long while as a matter of fact. Maybe he should...it would do him good but his motivation to do anything other than his daily activities was drastically low.

He should work on that. Yet he didn't.

He knew all of what he should do, but only did what he could do.

"Who's that?"

"Oh it's...Patton"

"That guy? C'mon, let's move seats..."

Patton dropped his bag onto the floor, leaving his keys in the small bowl and stepping into the kitchen for a drink. When he noticed the milk he frowned, had he left it out by accident? He didn't mean to. He was sure it's fine. Placing it back in his fridge, he grabbed a glass of water and gazed out the window before his sink while sipping it down. He luckily got a nice view of the town he lives in, living on such a high ground he had quite the overview.

Finishing his glass he placed it on the counter, his sink was stacked to the brim with old, dirty plates and cutlery. He'd clean it later.

Taking out his stuff from his bag, he put everything away, leaving his lunchbox beside his fridge, ready for his sandwich tomorrow. Once everything was done, and he didn't have anything to do, he sat down on his couch and stared at the wall opposite. He never got round to buying a television, he had enough but...it never crosses his mind when in opportune moment.

The gentle hum of the town was nice, distant noises always made him feel that little bit relaxed, silence killed him and often he'd leave his bedroom window a crack open while going to bed to hear the car's driving by and late drunken acts. Once awhile he'd hear the odd cat screech and grasps of conversations.

He often pondered if background noises from his phone would suffice, like the sound of running water, or animals in nature, or just nature itself, maybe even whales but...nothing beats what he already had.

"He's a fucking loner, don't talk to him"

"He'll probably try something if you're not careful"

"Yeah! I wouldn't put it past a fucking fag like him"

Most days he'd hear it. The voices. Whispers of the past. Things that the owner of the voice don't even remember yet stuck to Patton like glue...nothing ever bounces off like rubber. Often it would get to him but usually not make much of a reaction other than a frown, a twitch in the hand, a sweep of sadness through his dull eyes. Sometimes, though, sometimes it was bad, and sometimes he wondered how he was still alive today...the animals? A likely cause, his nature was to help, to be there for the living that needed it most.

Yet, in his heart, he knew the truth. The sorry truth. Not even a bleeding animal could stop him for long.

Maybe he was doomed from the start, born into an unloving family, forced into an unloving school, living in an unloving neighbourhood. Maybe just...maybe he wasn't cut out for this whole 'life' thing.

His throat clogged. His breathing wavered. His eyes closed and his tears fell. Splashing onto his lap, drop after drop, a continuous stream without an end in sight.

A broken sob filled the room, then another, then another...sob, sob, sob.

Life is worth it...worth all the nights spent alone, worth not falling asleep because your mind is filled with thoughts wondering what went wrong...? Why you're not good enough?

To Patton, life wasn't worth that. Life isn't worth it anymore.

What's one less life on a planet such as this?

As Patton stood in his bathroom, bottle of pills in hand, he stared up at himself in the mirror. And to think, if he was a better person, tried harder, been a good friend...he wouldn't have been bullied, avoided, hurt.

Or maybe if he stopped trying, stopped caring, just kept to himself...maybe then he wouldn't have been told such things either.

Well, he knew one thing.

He much preferred his company over others.

It was all the same, wasn't it?

How have you not killed himself yet?

I wish you'd hurry up and do it...

—
Oops idk anyway uh yeah part two?

12:46am