12:58am

Ventficventficventficventfic

Trigger warning: self-deprecation, bad parents, break down, blood

Au
—

Remus breathed heavily. He didn't really know why, he hadn't ran, or committed any exercise. Maybe it was his emotions. Rage curling inside of him like a stressed python, looking for an escape. Remus didn't want it to escape, he was better at bottling his emotions, he didn't like how he acted when he was mad - but he couldn't help it. Not now, it always reached a point where it was too much.

He silently stared at himself in his mirror, sitting tense on his carpeted floor, hands clenching and unclenching as a way to let out stress - it wasn't working.

He wanted to break something, anything, but for a moment those thoughts faded from his mind when he finally focused on his face. His face that also belonged to his twin brother Roman - yet looked much better on him. He could keep up his sharp jaw line, while Remus' has gotten round. He could keep up a honey-glow in his full cheeks while Remus' were sickly pale and flat. Roman could do everything that Remus couldn't, and everything Remus could do Roman could do much better. Roman tells him it doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter, but that didn't cure shit. That didn't prevent his self-loathing, his pure contempt for his entire being.

His tall, lanky body. His 'scary' dark eyes, his hair that was somehow never cut right! Why was Roman, someone he's the closest to genetically, looks so perfect while he was the forgotten, left-in-the-womb-to-overcook sack of shit!?

What did he do to get so lucky?

"Why do you look like that?" He whispered softly, yet his eyes hardened. "Why?" He repeated, shuffling closer to his mirror. "Why? Why? Why? WHY?" He cried, slamming his hands on the ground before him, taking in sharp gulps of air as his eyes began to sting. "Stop looking like that" he hissed, "just-stop!" He continued to beg, but no matter how much he'd wail, sob, plead, he wouldn't change. He'd still be the ugly duckling of the family, the family of perfection.

A piercing crack bounced off his bedroom walls, shards of glass falling on top of him, crashing to the ground with heavy thuds and concerning cracks. He didn't move for a moment, just eat his eyes flicker from each piece, able to see his reflection over and over and over.

A sob ripped his throat and forcefully pushed passed his lips, he didn't hear it though - or the ones after that. It became a mirage of sobs, pitiful whines and whimpers, hands clawing at his scalp as he curled in on himself, trickles of blood pouring down his arm from his knuckles on the hand he used to break the horrid image. Then... he screamed. Screamed so loud his ears rang. But to him it was muffled, like he was a few rooms over, listening to the break down of someone else. Of a stranger. Of someone... he didn't know.

Someone that wasn't himself.

It was lucky he was home alone, he wouldn't want his parents to yell at their mistake to shut up. They only wanted one child and Roman was that child- Remus knew that, understood that, accepted that. But did that mean it hurt any less? No. Not at all. Every time he was reminded he could feel a cold, blunt knife stabbing through his chest directly into his heart, where it would twist and twist, in circles, like it was blending up the organ which was only held together by a few bandages.

He didn't know who or what was so determined to break him but he knew they succeeded.

"Ah-...mm" Remus whimpered, "why-?... It hurts" he moaned out weakly, hands falling limp to his sides, his head burning where he clawed the skin and tugged the strands. He sniffled and cried, grabbing a random piece of glass and flinging it across the wall, hearing the satisfying crash of it breaking into even smaller pieces. He yanked another from the ground and threw that one too, grabbing another and another, they flew through the air without mercy and Remus only stopped when he had no glass left.

He looked down at his palms, gazing at the few cuts piercing his imperfect skin.

"Ugly" he muttered, "ugly, pathetic, weak" he listed under his breath, turning his head around wildly until his eyes landed on his phone. That was when he was reminded of him.

His words of hate died on his tongue to be replaced with; "dad"

Spoken with a broken horrid voice, yet filled with desperation and agony. He crawled across the ground and brought his phone close to his body, shaky hands and blurry eyes working in tandem to make his journey to his messaging inbox tricky. He pulled open a contact that read; "Dad 🐶💙" and quickly typed out a message.

- dad?

He gazed at the screen longingly, waiting for those three dots to appear. But they didn't- at least, not for awhile. He didn't mind though, while he did want to hear from him and just read one new text, being there in the inbox... was enough.

Half an hour passed, at that point Remus pulled himself onto his bed, splaying blood across his sheets but he didn't care. All the wounds had stopped bleeding by the time his phone buzzed in his hand. Waking from his half awake state he saw who the message was from and let out a noise - a relieved whimper, almost.

Rushing open the box, he read the message.

Dad 🐶💙 - Hey Kiddo! Whats up?

- nothin
- jus wanted u

Dad 🐶💙 - awhh Kiddo! I'm right here! Always

- i know
- love u

Another twenty minutes passed, Remus absentmindedly chewing his lip as his eyes lingered on the screen. He didn't scroll through passed messages, although it did make his heart feel warm, most the time simply sitting there and waiting was... enough. Call him weird, he gets it enough, but he needed it. It was summer break, school was off and he's barely seen Patton- his friend who 'adopted' him two years ago when he realised Remus' parents weren't at all nice to him.

Patton's been there for him for longer than two years, but when he 'adopted' him their time together significantly improved. Remus truly loved him as a father and often wanted nothing more then to cuddle up in his arms and just whine 'dad' while he'd hold him tight and whisper back words of praise; loving comments; reassuring tangents.

Remus didn't know what Patton was doing today, if it was anything special or if he was just having a lazy day. But either way Remus didn't want to worry him with his breakdown. Patton's been through enough of them. Even if he's told Remus he doesn't mind, and wants to help, he still feels awful.

Dad 🐶💙 - I love you too Kiddo!!!

Remus quickly opened his eyes when he felt his phone buzz, reading the message over and over until his heart didn't feel so blended and stabbed anymore.

He sniffled and hugged his phone to his chest, pressing his face into his pillows.

"Dad" he whispered brokenly, tears soaking into the fabric.

"Dad" he repeated in a cry of despair.

Would it be a burden on Patton if Remus asked him to come over?

Remus shuffled himself into a ball, he didn't want to risk making Patton annoyed. It would kill him.

"I love you dad" he whispered instead, hugging his phone that bit tighter.

"So much..."

Remus didn't tell Patton the next time they spoke, the next time they met up either. But he doesn't always tell about his breakdowns. He'd simply smile, crack crude jokes, and have that period in his life before the next breakdown would spring up.

But they've been getting worse, and the time between shorter.

Maybe one day he'd stop hiding things. But for now he'd lean on his dad's shoulder, both hanging out with their friends at a nearby park.

At least he could rely on distractions.

They always made him happy.

—
When I say 'vent fic' I didn't mean this happened to me, it did happen to me internally though-
(Apart from the references to a perfect family/better looking twin, I don't have a twin, but I do currently: hate my face)

Unfortunately I don't live home alone to scream and cry comfortably 😗✨

I don't have an adopted dad either, but I do have an 'adopted' mom... do I want her to read this? No, because she'll realise how wEridd I aaAMMM and how I've unhealthy become dePENDEEEEEEEEENT on her moTHERerrrlllyy love because I've never hAAAAAAD it before ✨

If you dO read this, mom, I'm so sorry-

2:04am