4:08pm

Look at me - writing

Trigger warning: mentions of past death, grief
—

Logan's eyes opened that early morning. He sat up in bed, pushed the blanket from his body and planted his feet onto the ground, movements similar to one of a robot. Rising from his bed, he fixed up the quilt and pillows, padding across the room to his closet where he reached in, drew out his black shirt, matching black trousers and dark blue tie. Holding them up in his right hand, he clicked his fingers with his left and suddenly the clothes were on his body, and in his hands he held his pyjamas. Deciding he could wear them one more night without putting them in the wash, he folded them neatly and slid them into one of the small cubby holes at the bottom of the closet, closing the doors afterwards.

He then stood before his mirror, brushed his hair to the side until it was neat and prim with perfection, just as he liked it. Appearing inside his bathroom, he washed his face, brushed his teeth and finally deemed himself presentable and ready to enter the kitchen.

Leaving his bedroom, he closed the door and walked with poise down the hallway, arms swaying gently by his sides, nothing to extravagant, just a simple movement to match his legs. Once in the kitchen, he took note he was the first there, which he usually is, being the only aspect to have a sleeping schedule.

Grabbing a mug he began to brew himself some coffee, standing, watching the machine whir. He found himself staring at the machine for quite some time, comparing himself to it, he was a robot, not a simple as this coffee machine, but the same nonetheless. Doing it's job without icky feelings ever getting in the way.

Once his mug was filled, he took it and began to drink, taking a seat at the table and flicking his fingers to produce a bowl of healthy oatmeal before him. Lifting the newspaper in one hand, he began to eat and drink with the other, reading over the news he found to be quite interesting. It was always good to keep up with the world around oneself.

He finished a mere fifteen minutes later - the silence around him becoming the norm. Rising from his chair, he allowed the cup and bowl to wash themselves, folding the paper and leaving it on the table. Dabbing a tissue around his mouth to remove any remnants of his breakfast, he sunk into the floor and appeared in Thomas's apartment beside the banister.

Trailing up the staircase, he walked straight into his bedroom, leaving the door open to stand beside Thomas's bed. The man was laying, still, curled up with a bunch of blankets and pillows.

"Good morning, Thomas" Logan spoke up, walking to the end of the bed and straightening out the quilt. "As per usual I have planned your day out - whether or not you follow it is unknown but most certainly you will not" He then fixed the pillows under his head, fluffing up the ones he wasn't using, placing them on the other side of his double bed.

"I suggest you get up and have a shower. You have nothing scheduled today so I shall help you with the script for the next video you decide to make" Logan opened the curtains, gazing out at the world. The sky covered with misty grey clouds, the ground sprinkled with a soft pour of rain. "I shall be downstairs" with that, Logan left the room and headed to Thomas's kitchen, throwing his leftovers into the food bin and replacing them with a bowl of cereal and a cup of water.

He waited on he couch for five minutes, sighing out irritably when he couldn't hear the sound of a shower. Ducking back into the mind, he marched into Patton's room, finding the side laying on his bed, staring to the side but not at anything specific - just with a glazed over look in his eyes.

"Patton, will you help me get Thomas out of bed?"

No response.

"Patton, please, stop acting like this" Logan continued, but he didn't stir, just blinked. Logan sighed again and sunk into Roman's room. The side, to Logan's surprise and relief, was sitting up in bed, staring down at the carpet. "Oh, thank Newton" he murmured, crossing the room to stand in front of him. "Roman, I am so glad to see you up. Will you help me? Thomas still isn't rising and-" Logan cut himself off before he could continue, noticing the same look that was caught in Patton's eyes was in Roman's, too.

Logan then watched in dismay as Roman slowly laid back down, brought the blanket over his body, and stopped still. From the open door leading to the bathroom, Logan quickly understood why Roman was sitting up. Disappearing and reappearing in Virgil's room, he clicked his fingers, the dark as night room suddenly lightning up with a dim purple hue.

Walking over to his bed, Logan looked down at Virgil. His face void of emotion - just like the others. Just like Thomas. Logan's hands clenched by his sides - "Virgil, I am begging you please get up! Help me!" His voice rose, almost yelling at Anxiety who didn't move a muscle, as if he were a doll, waiting to be picked up and played with by a child.

Logan left his room after that, allowing it to fade back to darkness.

Standing in the hallway, he held his face in his hands and slowly sat down, suddenly perched on his bed where he desperately tried to come up with anything. He couldn't drag them out from bed (believe him, he's tried, they just return) the same with Thomas. He couldn't talk, they wouldn't respond, sometimes he wished he could just hit them until they snapped out of it, but he wouldn't dream of intentionally hurting his friends.

This hasn't gone on for a few days, no, this has continued for weeks, and Logan could feel himself weaken along with Thomas - soon the man was sure to starve to death, Logan could barely force feed him as it is. Thomas's friends have tried, boy they have, but at this point Thomas has locked himself in his house, shunned each and everyone away. It was only a matter of time before they stopped.

All this anger building up inside of Logan he had to let it out. Appearing in the kitchen, he grabbed the coffee machine and glared at it heatedly. "Why am I like you?" He whispered to the inanimate object, "why can't I understand what they're going through!?" He continued, voice raising with every word. "Why am I such a robot?!" He finally screamed, the machine smashing against the ground from his force, body shaking, he took a few steps back, grasping the doorway of the room tightly before he would fall.

He sniffled, pressing the palms of his hands hard against his eyes, glasses pushed up to his forehead. He needed someone to talk to him - he felt like he was going insane.

Once he could walk, he rushed out the room and down the hallway in a flurry, passing by Patton's room, Roman's room, Virgil's room, his own, continuing, further and further until he reached his room. That deceitful snakes room. Admittedly Logan hadn't seen the side since the incident occurred, he didn't think he would have to resort to talking to him, but he guessed this was what he would have to do.

Knocking on the wood, he crossed his arms over his chest and waited. Waited. And waited some more. "Deceit" Logan eventually called, tired of standing there. "Please" his voice cracked, hands pressing up to the door along with his forehead. "Not you too" his plea was enough for him, when the door cracked open Logan understood that, and nearly collapsed in relief.

Once Logan was upright, the door opened wider, revealing Deceit, looking normal, like he would every other day, with his dark clothing, cape, yellow gloves and black hat. Logan swallowed, adjusted his glasses and tie and finally spoke; "may I come in?" Without an ounce of hesitance Deceit silently stepped to the side. Logan now knew Deceit was affected, too, for he never, ever, allowed someone to enter his room.

Stepping in, Logan gazed around, finding it to look like he imagined. When he heard the sound of a soft hiss, he looked towards the bed to see a large, long snake curled up on it, head lifted, staring at the new side.

"What have you done these past weeks?" Logan started up conversation, arms returning to their crossed state, eyes watching Deceit who perched on his bed, allowing his pet snake to trail up his arm. "Tending" the side responded, dragging a gloved finger over the snakes head, "to her" about the snake; "and myself", he then found it in him to look at Logan.

"Of course, you and I aren't as nearly affected as the others" he began to explain, smoothing his hand across the snake's body. "Merely because you are Logic; I am Deceit. We simply don't have a part to play in this" rising from the bed, the snake curled around Deceit further, not falling off as he traveled across the room to Logan who stayed silent.

"Then how do we help them?" Logan questioned, meeting his gaze. Deceit pondered on that for a moment, watching his snake move around him slowly, hissing every so often. "If we don't Thomas will die, too" Logan wanted to hurry up Deceit who seemed to be taking his damn time in contemplating this.

"I know, Logan" he murmured, lowering himself down, allowing his snake to slither off of him and onto the ground where she moved to her feeding station. "Let us take a logical look at this" Deceit cocked an eyebrow for a moment as he said this, bringing up a whiteboard and pen, writing down 'Patton' 'Roman' and 'Virgil' down it with space under each.

"Patton is his heart, yes?" Deceit didn't wait for a response, writing that beside his name. "What will he be going through?" He then asked, glancing at Logan who tapped his chin. "He must be severely upset - possibly even depressed" he answered, Deceit nodded and wrote that down.

"Now, Roman is his creativity, but sticking to this situation, we shall think of him as romance" Deceit wrote 'romance' beside his name. "Now, with the loss of let's say; a family member, Roman wouldn't play such a part, but this is Thomas's boyfriend we are talking about - his boyfriend of four years. He is affected as strongly, too" Logan nodded in acknowledgment to his words.

"What will he be going through?"

Logan chewed his lip for a moment, "the loss of love - similar to a heartbreak" Deceit nodded with a slight smile, "for someone who is such a robot; you understand more than you realise" Deceit's comment meant more to Logan than the side would ever realise.

"Now, Virgil" Deceit moved on, "being his Anxiety, one of his many, many, many worries is losing people Thomas is close to - what will he feel?"

Logan answered this one quicker than the others; "he would hate himself for letting Thomas's boyfriend die - his mind will be filled with 'what ifs' - imagining what could have happened if Thomas didn't ask his boyfriend to get some milk that day" Deceit nodded, Logan noticing pride mixing in his multicoloured eyes.

"Very good" he praised, flicking the pen to disappear after he finished writing beside Virgil's name. "Now" the board was suddenly hung up on the wall of Deceit's room - his body turned to face Logan who leaned back a tad. "What is the best way of dealing with grief?" Logan opened his mouth to respond but Deceit best him to it.

"Rhetorical question, sweetie, I'm sure a distraction will suffice for now" with that, Deceit left his room, gesturing for Logan to follow, which the logical side did, wondering what on Earth Deceit had in mind. They both entered Patton's room, finding him in the same position as Logan did earlier that day - eyes glazed over, laying with the blankets and pillows a mess around him.

"Patton, honey" Deceit's sickeningly sweet voice called, moving with grace across the room, squatting down at the side of his bed, face to face. "Oh, look at you" he whispered, lifting a gloved hand and dragging it across Patton's cheek. "You're not getting up for anything - are you? Looks like happy, pappy Patton isn't here right now" he spoke in a voice lacking remorse.

"Deceit" Logan said impatiently. The side stood up and shrugged; "can't change who I am, sweetie" he winked, "of course I care but acting like a villain is such fun - looks like poor Patton will need some reinforcements" Deceit left the room with a smirk, Logan following to see what he meant. The logical aspect didn't expect to be led into Roman's room, watching Deceit pick up Roman's sword from the wall and trail across the room swiftly.

"Roman, dear" Deceit called, "adventure calls" he waved around the sword, but Roman wasn't budging. "A prince like you wouldn't let beats run rampant - would you? The Imagination can't go on forever without it's saviour" he ended in a sing-song voice, Logan saw Roman's eyes flicker for a moment, making him tense up.

"A strong Prince like you bed bound? It's seems impossible - because it is!" He exclaimed, throwing his arms up and outwards, sword dangling dangerously loose in his hand. "A brave, courageous, strong Prince must get up some time - come on, Roman" Deceit called, waving the sword back and forth before his eyes. In wonderment, Logan watched as Roman's eyes locked onto it, watching it move left and right, left and right.

"There you are" Deceit whispered, "there's the Prince we all deserve"

Roman's lips opened but no noise came out. "They're calling for you, Roman, can't you hear? They need your help, their sweet, adoring, saviour! Go, Roman, they're not as strong as you are" Deceit's encouragement worked, slowly but surely Roman sat up, shaking hand reaching out to hold onto his sword. As soon as it was in his grip he stopped shaking, eyes meeting Deceit's.

"You're their saviour" Deceit grinned.

Roman looked back down at the sword, analysing it for some time. Logan slowly walked over, looking at Deceit for answers, but the side didn't say a word. Finally, Logan had enough of the silence and spoke up.

"Roman" this alerted the side, their eyes meeting. "We'll be by your side"

The side rose up from bed and left his room, Logan and Deceit quickly hurrying after him into the Imagination. Of course, the place wasn't taken over with evil creatures as Deceit implied, but that didn't stop Roman from finding them. From afar the two aspects watched as Roman slaughtered each and every last one, eyes narrowed with anger, breathing heavily with a heaving chest.

"See?" Deceit smirked, "he's fine"

Logan shook his head. "This is not fine" he countered, "he isn't working through anything. He is merely being distracted" and that piece of knowledge came to him too late. Logan needed to change that, and quick. Distractions work but they aren't and never will be a permanent solution.

"Look at you" Deceit mused, "I wish you luck"

Logan didn't say another word, leaving Deceit where they stood, walking up to Roman who plunged his sword into the ground, leaning on it as he caught his breath. "Roman" the side caught his attention.

"Yes, Logan?"

He flinched at the hostility in his tone. "Stop this" Logan demanded, "you've done enough. We need to talk" Roman huffed at this, standing up and turning to Logan, eyes glowering in anger. "About what? Here to tell me all that you both encouraged me to do was wrong!? I was perfectly okay staying in my room, Logan!" He yelled, loud enough for birds to fly from their trees.

"You weren't okay then and you are still not okay now-" his mouth suddenly closed as realisation hit him, from the situation to how Deceit managed to get him out of bed. He nearly slapped himself he felt so stupid. Roman is a Prince, sharing Thomas's protective side, of course he'd feel guilty for what happened, unable to protect Thomas's boyfriend from his death.

"Prince" Logan began, with the old nickname that seemed to fade once he revealed his true name. "It wasn't your fault - it wasn't anyone's fault, his death had nothing to do with what we could have done. Whether or not we were there to protect him doesn't matter - he still would've been hit by that car, along with us if we accompanied him" Roman's head was now ducked, eyes closed, hands slipping from the sword. Logan stepped closer, fearing he might lose him.

"You are still a Prince" Logan rushed, "still a courageous Prince who would sacrifice anything to save someone's life"

"Can't you see?" His voice was hollow, "I failed him"

"You didn't fail anyone, Roman, not him, not Thomas. You would have thrown yourself in front of that car for him but do you think he would let you? In the end both Thomas and he would have died - but that didn't happen. Thomas was at home, we were all unaware of what happened and that isn't our fault" Logan stepped closer still, Roman finally able to meet his eyes.

"Losing someone is one of life's toughest battles - and only the bravest of people ask for help. Don't go through this alone, Roman, don't shut yourself off, I want to help you. Please let me help you" Logan didn't know if he got through at first, Roman's eyes returned to stare at the ground with an unreadable expression - that was until Logan noticed a drop of water slip off his cheek and down onto the grass below.

"I'm sorry, Logan, I can't-"

And Logan didn't know what came over him, but his body surged forward and he did something he had never done before in his existence. He hugged someone. The others have hugged him, but never the other way around, he felt like this was his last resort, the only thing he could use to get to Roman, to help him understand no one blamed him - that he can have help if he allowed it.

"Come on, prep" Logan whispered, eyes clenched tight, arms wound around his torso, holding on securely, as if keeping him together. "We work well as a team, remember?" His voice stayed low, quiet, right next to his ear.

Logan felt like forever and more passed before Roman's arms slowly, slowly lifted to hug Logan back, head falling in the crook between his neck and shoulder. Logan felt him shudder, tears trailing down his skin, but he didn't care, all he cared about was the fact he got through, he could help him, help at least someone.

He turned his head to the side, spotting Deceit hadn't moved, from this distance he couldn't see his expression, so he turned back to Roman and focused solely on him.

"Come with me" Logan urged, the two sinking down and back into the mind, appearing in the kitchen where he sat Roman down at the counter island and clicked his fingers, a plate of food appearing before the side who stared at it for a moment. "You must eat - you have not eaten for too long"

Roman nodded - he knew that. Picking up the slice of toast, he bit into it, chewed, and swallowed, quite slowly. Logan watched him intently until it was all gone, he then washing it down with the glass of orange juice he manifested himself.

"We're so proud, Roman" Deceit piped up, appearing quite suddenly. "Honestly" he smirked, then rested his hands on the counter, "I know something that will cheer you right up" Deceit lifted his hand and snapped Roman onto the couch in the living room, a tub of ice cream appearing in his lap, the television lit up with the start of a Disney film.

"Ah, thank you, Deceit" Roman murmured, staring at the ice cream. "No need to mention it - will you do me a favour?" Roman nodded, looking up at him, still frowning, but Logan understood what. "You couldn't conjure a puppy for me, could you?" Roman shrugged, agreed and waved his hand around, a black puppy appearing in Deceit's arms.

"Why, thank you" and with that he left. Logan turned to Roman, "will you be alright?"

The side sighed, "I will be" he managed. Logan nodded and stayed for a moment before he hurried after Deceit, finding him entering Patton's room, walking to the side of the bed and waving the puppy before his eyes. Ah, this was the reinforcement.

"Hello there, Patton, look what it is" Deceit nudged the puppy closer, "it's a dog!" He gasped, as if speaking to a child. "Isn't it absolutely adorable? I'm sure he would love to get some attention, don't you? A single pat on the head is sure to suffice" he encouraged, moving the dog so close he was able to lick Patton's nose.

Logan watched said body part wrinkle up slightly, but other than that Patton didn't move.

"I'm so sorry, little dog, looks like you aren't needed anymore" Logan watched in horror as Deceit stood up, ready to throw the dog across the room when Patton suddenly bolted upright, grabbing the dog as gently as he could, cradling it to his chest, face buried in his fur. He didn't mind, panting happily, unaware of what was really occurring.

"Oh! I suddenly remember, there are other dogs I need to get rid of" with that, Deceit began walking to the door, Logan watched as Patton's head perked up, watching after Deceit, contemplating for a few seconds before he got up too, following the lying side with Logan in tow.

They walked down the hallway in a line for a few short minutes, Deceit abruptly stopping and entering a room on the left. Patton hurriedly followed, looking out for any other animal Deceit might harm, surprised to find himself in the 'cloud' room. One of the many rooms Roman created. In it, you could sit on a cloud and overlook the blue sky surrounding you, once the door was closed it was as if it weren't there.

Deceit appeared in the hallway again, "work your magic, Logic" Deceit encouraged, ushering him inside, closing the door afterwards.

Logan hesitated, feet sinking into the cloud just a tad. Across the room Patton sat on the edge, dog close to his chest, face hidden in his fur yet again. Swallowing thickly, Logan managed to get over (as it was quite tricky, walking across a cloud) until he sat beside him, legs dangling down, but they wouldn't fall much, in fact if they did they would never hit the ground - they would keep falling and falling until they teleported themselves back onto the cloud.

"Patton?" Logan tried, but he knew it wouldn't be as simple as that. He looked out at the world around him, wondering what he could say to comfort the usually bubbly side. "Thomas's boyfriend meant a lot to us" he found himself saying, not entirely knowing where he would go with this. "A heck of a lot" he emphasised, "and he still does. Even if he is not with is anymore. He will always be apart of Thomas, apart of us. Apart of you" Logan noticed from his peripheral vision Patton's head slowly lift as he listened.

"He isn't gone, not really. Our memories of him will allow him to live on forever with us - it will not be the same, it'll never be the same, it is okay to acknowledge that. It is okay to miss him, and reminisce about all the good times he and Thomas shared. But we must also look toward the future - his death won't leave Thomas alone forever. He will find someone again, or at least carry on doing what makes him happy until then. We have his entire life to find love again - it won't be him, no one will replace him"

Logan looked over at Patton who was already looking at him, tears slipping down his cheeks.

"But he will find someone that makes him feel the same way"

Patton hiccuped as he tried to speak. "W-will he?"

"Of course he will"

Patton looked down at the clouds, dragging his finger through it gently, the dog moving to sit beside him, flopping onto the fluffy surface. Logan lifted his arm, shuffled closer to the side and wrapped it around his shoulders, feeling comforted by the fact Patton leant against him.

"I will help you, Patton. I will do everything I can to make you happy again. I...miss your smile" he admitted, from that Patton lifted his own arms and hugged Logan tightly, hiding his face in his chest. Similar with Roman, Logan sunk them both down, appearing in the kitchen where he made the side some food, watching as he ate it with the same, solemn expression. The dog appeared, too, leaving the kitchen to jump onto the end of the couch. Afterwards, Logan lead him to the living room where he sat beside Roman, the two wordlessly leaning against each other, hugging the other while watching the movie on the television.

"You are doing so well, Logan" Deceit commented, alerting him from staring at the sides to gaze at him. "Come now, let's find our good friend Virgil" Logan followed the side after glancing at Patton and Roman one more time, deeming they should be alright in each other's presence for the time being.

Virgil's room was pitch black when they entered, Deceit snapped his fingers, the room lighting up with a dim purple glow. They both stared at the side who laid on his bed, eyes gazing at nothingness. Deceit headed over, lowered down to the ground before him and stared for a few minutes. Logan stepped closer, wondering what he would do.

"Oh, Virgil" he began, lifting his hand and brushing his bangs away. "Do you really want to lay here forever? Duck out like last time?" Deceit shook his head, as if expressing disappointment. "You know what that did to our poor host, don't you? If you duck out for too long I fear our host might die - accidental or not. Do you want that to happen? Do you want his death to be your fault?"

Logan winced, crossing his arms, watching as Virgil's eyes began to focus, focus on Deceit who grinned devilishly. "Thomas needs you, Virgil, you wouldn't want him getting hurt because of you - would you?" Slowly Virgil's head began to shake. Deceit pushed his hand under his shoulder, the one pressed against the mattress, heaving him up into a sitting position.

"I would see to him before he does" Deceit encouraged, lifting him up from the bed, he stumbled but began to move towards his door. Deceit clamped a hand on Logan's shoulder, pushing him towards the side who slugged through the hallway. "Go on, Logic, fix him for us"

Although not liking his technique, Logan knew it worked, so didn't say a word to the side, instead hurried after Virgil, grabbing him before he could sink out. With an arm supporting him, Logan took him into the closest room to them - the room with a few steps leading down to a bed that filled the entire ground. He sighed but thought it would do, sitting down on the steps with Virgil who slumped in on himself, barely able to hold himself up.

"Virgil, listen to me" Logan began, moving to kneel before him, staring into his dark brown eyes. "You are thinking about everything you could have done - but you need to stop. You need to stop imagining 'what if Thomas didn't ask him to get milk' because he did, it happened and nothing can change that" he raised his hands and placed them both on his shoulders, searching his eyes intently for any sign of life.

"Thomas could have done so many things differently that day, but it panned out the way it should, none of us could ever have expected what had happened to happen. But it did. We need to accept that. If we did change the course of that day who's to say he would not have died another death but more painful?"

Virgil's eyes lifted to meet his.

"I know you blame yourself, Virgil, but I cannot simply see why. You did not force him to go buy milk, did you? He could have said no and you wouldn't have forced him, would you?" Virgil slowly shook his head. "Nor did you push him onto that road, did you? You did not push him before a car, or drive a car into him, did you?" Again, Virgil shook his head.

"Then it is not your fault, or Thomas's, or anyone's. What happened happened without anyone's choice. You cannot hate yourself for something that you did not cause" Virgil's hands lifted to hide his face, but Logan saw the tears drop down to the ground below, through the gaps of his fingers.

Wordlessly, Logan dragged him into a hug, not saying anything more, for he didn't need to. Appearing in the kitchen, he waited until Virgil calmed down before helping him sit down at the counter, helping him eat and drink before leading him to the living room where he fell onto the couch beside Patton, burying his head into him, hugging him tightly. The side hugged back just as strong.

Logan watched them all hold each other on the couch, all had ran out of tears awhile ago.

Deceit walked by Logan, lifted his hand and clicked his fingers. They all appeared in Thomas's apartment, in his bedroom, surrounding his bed. They all looked down at their host who was still laying there, quiet, unmoving, but his eyes were open, and not glazed over.

They all knew what to do.

Roman stepped up and drew the blanket away from his body, allowing Patton to lift the host up, sitting beside him on the bed, running a hand through his hair as he slumped into his side's side.

"C'mon, Sanders" Virgil murmured, "go downstairs and eat" he didn't need to use much of his control to make Thomas stand up (with Patton by his side) and shakily move down the stairs into the kitchen where he pushed away the cereal - soggy by now - desperately trying to cook but his hands shook and legs buckled.

They sat him on the couch, Logan and Patton cooking while Roman and Virgil comforted the host, putting on the television - Steven Universe's theme song filling up the living room.

Deceit watched from the staircase - Thomas still wasn't okay and wouldn't be for a very long time, that's just how grief worked, he wouldn't be the same with the loss of someone he loved dearly, however with time, patience and care from himself and his friends he would get better, there will be a time where he will be okay again - he will adapt to living in a world without him in it, of course still miss him, but be able to smile when thinking about him, instead of crying.

Deceit allowed himself to relax and sink out into the mind.

He turned around and headed to his room.

Once entering, his snake began to slither up to him. "Hello, you" he mused, scooping her up and sitting on his bed.

"If only Logan realised he had emotions" Deceit spoke to her.

"For Logic, my my is he dense"

—
Eugh this-euuuuuughhhhh I don't know

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8:15pm