11:28am

I forgot to turn off my night light

It's staring at me

Waiting

Trigger warning: Fist fight, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt

Au
—

Roman was angry. He was furious, pissed, fuming, bitter, heated, enraged - no amount of words could describe how resentful he felt at that exact moment because of something that happened four years ago. What originally happened angered him at the time, but not like this, no, what really made him riled up was the consequences that occurred months later.

There was a fight. Four years ago a fight broke out. He was only twelve, rather scrawny, weak kid, so if anyone wanted to pick a fight on him he was sure to lose. He hadn't done anything wrong, in his opinion, but two large boys who were literally the same age as him, yet somehow were both mammoths, came up to him, taunted him, then pummelled him.

All because he rejected their sister.

That wasn't all bad, he was mad, who wouldn't be? His parents insisted he move school, he didn't really care, as he didn't have any friends in that school, so he was more than happy to go. While they were finding a different school, their mother had a job offer in a different state, and as they were all looking for a fresh start, they jumped aboard.

The new home was amazing, everything Roman could ever ask for! People in school adored him, the teachers said he was the best at performing in plays, the first two months went by like he was on cloud nine, until that fateful day.

The day his mother died.

A car crash - he blocked out the details, but she was his rock, always there for him, being the best mother she could while also having a very hard-working job, he loved her with every fibre of his being, and even after four years, he hadn't completely gotten over her death.

He knew. He knew that if he didn't get into that fight, she would be alive, because they wouldn't have moved, whether that was true or not didn't matter, because his father didn't fail to remind him that her death was his fault, and now all he could do was get his revenge on the people who were truly at fault here - those brothers.

He remembered how to get around the school, but he hadn't even enrolled yet, so as he stormed onto the property he technically wasn't allowed to be here. Students who were loitering around the front, waiting for school to start, all turned head at the new boy who looked frighteningly ferocious, hands clenched by his sides, eyes narrowed and pierced with unadulterated fury.

He stopped at the front of the school before the steps, whirling around to face the first student he came into contact with. It was a boy a few inches shorter than himself, he wore a baby blue polo and a grey cardigan on his shoulders. Roman didn't care how scared he looked as he clenched his first in the front of his shirt and pulled him close to his face, he didn't think he could stop himself even if he wanted to. He felt like he was on autopilot, waiting until he could unleash his pent up wrath.

"Joe and Paul; where are they?" His voice dropped venom, and people around them backed away. The boy quivered, gripping his tight fist, too scared to reply. One of the boys friends, a kid with a blue tie, stepped in, realising if he obtained the answer he would need he would leave the boy alone.

"They are by their lockers in block A2"

In an instant, Roman dropped the boy and made his way through the school in a flurry, ignoring the curious looks he got from teachers, not realising many students from outside had followed him in, hoping to see the obvious fight break out. It didn't take long before Roman could see them, the two who ruined his life. Like the tie-wearing boy said, they were by their lockers, laughing while gesturing to a group of kids who walked by.

In the past four years Roman has grown, he had worked out, and even went to lessons to learn how to fight for this moment only. He knew it would happen, even if he gotten over his mother's death, nothing was going to stop him from hopefully badly injuring the kids who were at the end of the hallway.

Carrying on his march, the boys realised his presence all to late. Roman grabbed Joe; the one he could easily reach by his throat, yanked him back and slammed him hard against the red lockers, creating a dent from his skull. While he was dazed, Roman lunged for Paul who was struck to the ground in shock, unable to flinch away from Roman's grasp before his nose cracked under the strong fist that full force punched into it.

Roman couldn't stop himself from going back and forth, punching, kicking, slamming, anything he could do to give these boys the pain they deserved, the pain he has felt for four years. He didn't know if it would be worth it, if he would regret it, all he knew right now was he hoped someone would stop him before he accidentally murdered these kids who didn't know any better when they were all twelve.

In a moment, he realised three people were grabbing at him, pinning him to the ground while other teachers helped Joe and Paul get away. Roman didn't know he was screaming, or crying, or flinging his body around to try and get out of the teachers grasp, he didn't want to hurt anyone else but those two bastards, yet in a flash, he became immobile, the pain wrenching in his heart forcing him to a halt. He laid there, pinned down, sobbing uncontrollably, fists red with pain, blood seeping through the split skin, but he didn't care, he wanted his mom, he wanted her back.

Three months later...

After the incident Roman obviously got involved with the police, the boys were dramatically injured, but nothing life threatening, seeing as he didn't go to the school, he couldn't be suspended, but the head teacher knew Roman, and he also knew the kid had a lot of potential - like all kids - so they wouldn't let that go to waste. Three agonising months went by and eventually he was let off, somehow allowed to go back to this school, luckily not forced to make up with the boys, but he was forbidden from going anywhere near them, and he had no quarrels about that.

Due to his act those months ago, no one dared to even look at Roman the wrong way, or look at him at all unless they were sure he wouldn't notice - he didn't care, he hasn't cared about anything in a long time. He wasn't actively looking for friends, he didn't think he would ever have any friends, even when he was an adult - that made him chuckle humourlessly, he wasn't going to live to see his adult years. 

Sitting at the lonely, wooden bench was relaxing in a way. He was so far away from students he could barely see them from the other end of the field, but here he was, alone, away from their whispers, their dragged out curious gazes, cautious looks from teachers who expect him to explode again - he wouldn't, that wasn't like him, he only attacks people if it's justifiable - and that fight three months ago was, because they killed his mom.

He viciously bit into his sandwich, gazing at the tall grass that needed a long overdue cut. Whatever, why would he care about grass?

Deep in thought, he didn't notice the presence of another student until he shifted in his seat and caught sight of baby blue. Lifting his head, he placed the last bit of sandwich into his mouth, recalling the student opposite to be the one he scared half to death on the day of the fight.

Brushing his hair back, he didn't greet the boy, wondering if all he would ask for is an apology for his actions. Although, he was pleasantly surprised.

"Hey" he smiled softly, "I'm Patton! You're Roman, right?" The brightly dressed boy sighed but nodded in response, his posture naturally straight, shoulders squared, one leg crossed over the other. Patton let out a breathless chuckle, turning his head to the side to gesture to two boys who stood quite the distance away from them. One wearing a tie, the other wearing a thick purple and black jacket.

"They're my friends!" Patton introduced, still smiling brightly. "Uhm...I wanted to come over because you looked lonely! And...I wanted to know if you were okay" he added, voice lowering from the loud, boisterous one he proudly proclaimed in prior.

Okay? Please, Roman hadn't felt okay in four years. No one cared, not his "friends" at school, not the teachers who only cared about his grades, definitely not his father - the alcoholic fool.

"I'm fine" he replied back, hoping that once the boy cleared his conscious, he would fuck off. Instead, Patton leaned forward and cocked his head.

"You sure? You don't look happy, I could help!" He straightened up again in sudden excitement, making Roman roll his eyes and pay attention to his food he still hadn't finished. "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?" Roman rose his eyebrow; was this boy really planning to improve his sour mood with Dad jokes?

"I was heels over head!" He exclaimed with a giggle, pouting when Roman didn't give him much of a response other than a sparing glance.

"I thought about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts" Patton bit his lip, but that didn't help conceal the amused grin that made Roman's heart flutter in a way he hasn't felt in four years.

"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket..." Roman lifted his gaze once again, biting into his apple, actually curious to see how this joke would end.

"You can hide but you can't run"

He had to try with all his might to keep back the snort that desperately wanted to escape him, but he knew he wouldn't be able to, so he cleared it over with a cough, Patton trying not to make it obvious he knew it was a coverup.

"Do you know any jokes?" Patton urged, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. Roman licked his lips, contemplating whether or not to respond; eh, what the hell, right? He hasn't had a good conversation with someone for so long, guess it would help him from going insane.

"... A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand" hearing Patton let out a long string of laughter made Roman's lip quirk up ever so slightly. He hasn't made anyone laugh in awhile...he forgot how fulfilling it feels. His loud laughter alerted his nerd and emo friends who decided to come over to see what the commotion was about.

Roman tensed when others joined the table, watching the boy with dark makeup sit next to Patton while the one with a tie sat beside him. "Guess you're not as bad as we first thought" emo boy clicked his tongue, eyes poised on Roman who scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, feeling...different, was it because people actually wanted to sit with him?

"I...I'm sorry" he sighed, averting his eyes. "I was mad, although my actions weren't heroic, or something to look up to, it was justifiable" he excused his past self, not aware of the fact everyone in the school knew why he did what he did. On that day, he was screaming, he didn't realise he was screaming 'you killed my mother' over and over as the teachers held him down.

"But that does not mean you had the right to scare Patton" nerd butted in, sending him a pointed look. Roman finally deflated, quickly stuffing his lunchbox into his bag as he suddenly understood they weren't here to become friends; only to make him feel worse than he already does.

"I do hope you feel better for ruining my lunch. If it helps, I assure you you won't have to see me ever again" was he meant to say that? He didn't entirely know, but he didn't see the concern wash over Patton's face for he was already standing up and heading towards the school building, ready for last period before he would go and...never come back.

Behind him, Patton jumped from the bench and rushed after him, nerd and emo in tow. Roman didn't expect to feel a hand grab his arm, he also didn't expect to see Patton's face again. He looked worried, Roman didn't know if it was real, he has received many similar looks from people around him, but they were mostly for themselves, for they would feel bad if they didn't at least send him some pity.

"Meet us tomorrow here, we didn't mean to ruin your lunch, what happened is in the past; we want to become your friend" Patton declared with a small smile, quickly giving Roman a hug before hurrying over to his friends. Roman couldn't move for a moment, the last time he was ever hugged was by...he clenched his eyes shut for a moment, willing himself to not burst into tears then and there.

One more afternoon. Come on. One more afternoon. And it'll all be over.

He didn't go home once the fine bell rang. He didn't see the point. Leaving everything in his locker, including his phone, he wondered down the hall in the middle of the bustling crowd, somehow able to blockout the conversation and mix them all into one bubble of incoherent voices. The walk to his death was a struggle, many times he would pause in the middle of the street and just stare, wanting to be a better person, to be able to but this behind him, get over her death, and move on, join performances, get his grades up, anything other than... just existing. It felt impossible.

Although an hour had passed, he felt like it went by in moments, when he blinked, he was staring at the rushing water below the bridge he stood on. He had already climbed over the railing, now he had his toes hanging from the edge, both arms gripping the red railing behind him. He wasn't thinking, his mind was blank, yet he was still hesitant, because somewhere inside he knew this would be it, and maybe he didn't entirely want this, but what else could he do?

"Hey, hey kid, wait!"

He snapped back to reality.

Turning his head, he saw a man who had gotten out of his car, fear and worry morphing his features. Roman turned back forward; what could a stranger do?

"Listen, c'mon, you don't want to do this, do you? Wh-what about your parents?"

Roman tensed, eyes clenching shut. "My mom died...because of th-" he stopped himself short, "because of me, and my dad wants this too" he growled.

"Hey, hey don't say that, he's just...grieving, don't do this, kid, I've...I've been in your position, alright? I know what's going through your mind, but this isn't the last option, this is the escape route, but why quit now? You have your life ahead of you, as soon as you jump you landed your fate, you can't change what will happen, but if...if you come here, you have your life; such a precious gift, and you can change it, you can make it better, life gets better"

"And, believe me, I hated hearing that too, but it does, c'mon kid, trust me..." by the time he finished Roman was crying, and slipping. The man reached forward through the bars and gripped the boy tightly, whispering reassurances in his ear as he slowly turned his body around and let himself be raised across the fence. He didn't know if he would've actually done it, maybe he could have if he was alone for long enough, but while sitting in the strangers car bawling, he was glad he came along, because he didn't want to die, he just wanted to leave the life he had now, start anew - but how?

The car pulled up in an unfamiliar driveway, the man led Roman up to his house, letting him sit on the grey couch while wrapping a blanket around his shivering body. He heard voices, but he was consumed with sobs and raging thoughts, barely able to breathe, unable to feel the pair of hands resting on his shoulders, or see the soft pair of eyes he knew belonged to Patton.

Roman jostled himself awake, blinking rapidly to become aware of his surroundings. He was laying in a comfortable bed, plush blanket covering his body that had warmed up considerably from being out in the cold air for so long. A moment later, he caught sight of a boy leaning on his bed, head in his arms, eyes closed. He was asleep. Upon further inspection, Roman realised it was Patton, and he relaxed against his bed, covering his eyes as he felt another wave of tears start up.

He wanted to cover both of them, but when he tried to tug up his right hand, he realised someone was holding it. Patton was holding it. He felt his heart beat in an irregular way, he couldn't really tell why; Patton was only holding his hand, it must be in a friendly way. Nothing more.

For awhile, he stared at Patton's relaxed face, only then noticing his dry tear stains. That wrecked his heart up more than it already was. He hurt him. He hurt him again. Roman made a vow with himself that evening; never hurt Patton again.

At first, Roman couldn't tell if he was glad to get help from Patton, Patton's father, Logan and Virgil, but in the end, when he was sitting with them all on their bench, laughing heartily, he couldn't have been happier.

—

12:54pm