7:06pm

Trigger warning: Bullying, depression, attempted suicide

Au
—

"Stop being such a fucking idiot, Ro"

Roman chuckled, looking over at his friend who sent him a smirk. He glanced at the camera for a few seconds, smile faltering, before quickly returning back to the game his friends insisted they did a video about. It was a fun game, with amusing dialogue and freakish glitches, but he never really made videos based around games - he either did song or music covers, or vlogs. He unfortunately had to slack with his music due to his friends persistence.

"Look at him" Patton sighed, gesturing to Roman who was shown on the corner of the tv screen, mouth in a straight line, eyes emotionless. "He's so sad" Patton added on with a frown, glancing at his two friends who were hugging hands beside him. For awhile, many people - not just Patton - have commented on the fact Roman has seemed so depressed in his videos. To back them up, they put clips of Roman from a few years ago, compared to today. His smile and laugh was painfully different - everyone thought it was fake, Roman says it's real, and he's just changed.

No one believes him.

"Probably from the fuckers he calls his friends" Virgil motioned to the screen with his free hands, scowling at the face cams of the other boys playing the game with Roman. Each time the nineteen year old did something wrong, they'd rip him to shreds. They had to give him some slack, this was the first time he had played the game!

"I cannot understand why he puts himself in their company. It must be an act" Logan piped up, but it was all speculation. Roman never gives away any personal information about his life - in his vlogs, he never mentions his family, or his past, he only ever talks about the present or future - even still, not a word about himself, or his life, or how he is truly feeling. Everyone thinks it's because of his friends. When Roman first started, he did videos alone, as soon as more and more people came in, he changed. He moved into a mansion so they could all live together, and over the last few years, people have noticed the boys Roman befriended all gang up on the singer whenever they could.

Everyone wants to believe it's fake, just for views, and it really is 'just a prank' but it's obvious it isn't. No one wants to comment on it - and when they do, they are attacked by people who say it's his personal life, the fans shouldn't get involved. Oddly, though, whenever someone makes a point about Roman's blindingly obvious upset mood, one of Roman's friends will reply hatefully, or forcefully shut down the idea before anymore comments could be made.

It was all...strange.

Virgil and Logan weren't always fans of Roman. In the beginning, they both found him too boisterous, loud, and honestly not that entertaining. But, that didn't stop Patton from watching him in his spare time, sometimes Logan and Virgil could come home to find Roman on their tv screen, Patton curled up on the couch, watching the man intently. Slowly, they both warmed up to the teenager on their screens - Virgil started to really like him after he had a panic attack. To calm him down, he usually found some calming music on YouTube and plugged is his earphones to drown everything out, accidentally he clicked on one of Roman's singing videos, and ended up...watching them all. Not that he would admit it to Patton.

Logan ended up liking him after Roman posted a twenty minute pretty interesting vlog. For the first ten minutes, he was his insufferable goofy self, hanging out with his so called 'friends' but in the last ten minutes the pace changed, and he was sitting atop a hillside alone, pointing out constellations and naming each one. At the end of the video, Roman commented he learnt all that from a man named Logan Atlas. Logan didn't freak out. Nope. Not at all. That was alllll Patton. Totally...

"Hey, Pat!" Virgil called, a few moments later his friend came bounding in, placing his iron on the counter to walk up to his best friend. "What's up, Kiddo?" He grinned, looking at his phone screen after Virgil tilted it in his direction.

It was a tweet from Roman about his new song he had uploaded to YouTube. He gleefully went to watch the video when Virgil grabbed his arm gently and showed him the replies.

One of Roman's friends, Jamie, replied not too kindly. Patton frowned, looking up at Virgil. "How could his friends be so mean?" He asked weakly. He knew everyone on the internet received hate, it was inevitable, especially when you gain as many followers as Roman, but from your own friends? About a video Patton was sure was actually really good? Roman had an amazing singing voice! He couldn't understand how is friends didn't see that.

"Maybe his friends are lowering his confidence" Logan voiced his opinion from beside the microwave, slowly sipping his coffee. "Ever since they came into his life, his singing videos have slowly come to a stop. Although his fans might enjoy them, if people closest to him in his life do not, it will discourage him from future uploads" And yes, Logan was salty over that. He enjoyed Roman's singing as much as the next guy, especially as he knew it helped with Virgil's anxiety. Patton frowned, pulled out his phone and left the room. A few minutes later Virgil's phone pinged, and he showed Logan what had come up.

Although Roman has never publicly stated whether or not his friends are actually friends to him, or if it's all just an act for YouTube, it doesn't stop people from theorising, and assuming. What bothers people more is Roman has never outright denied the accusations towards his friends - he just ignores them. It could be because he doesn't want any drama, or it's a sign that what people assume is correct, he just doesn't want to admit to everyone.

When Roman goes to meet and greets with his friends who had basically become a full apart of his YouTube channel, it's no secret that nearly everyone in the line is there for Roman, it is obvious in recordings, and peoples comments on the whole thing, but that doesn't stop the boys from blocking the fan from Roman and asking if they wanted anything sighed or wanted a picture. The fan, too anxious to say no, agrees, which is why it seems like they all get as much attention as Roman.

But, all the proof anyone would need is in the videos. On the rare occasion the boys would upload a video without Roman in it, the views it retains drops considerably from ten millions to five hundred thousand. It was pitiful. No one liked the boys, yet Roman never got rid of them. So long living with them, he thinks without them his channel would crumble.

All the fans could do was send a positive message.

"Hey, Logan?" Patton questioned while walking into the nerd's room. He shifted, sitting up a little from where he once laid relaxed on his bed with Virgil resting on his chest. Patton smirked at the two and plonked onto the space beside them, showing them both his phone. "Do you think this is a...code? Because only certain letters are capitalised.." Patton explained tentatively, in case he was being dumb, pointing to Roman's tweet on his screen.

"It is weirdly worded" Virgil voiced his half-muffled opinion, most of his face still smushed into his boyfriend's chest. But, they all awaited Logan's opinion, as he was the most smartest out of them all. He peered closely, adjusted his glasses and hummed while reading. "It spells out 'Help'" Logan commented, "It is hard to tell whether it is actually a cry for help or just...something random" Logan handed Patton's phone back, returning his arms to around Virgil's body. Patton sighed and slumped onto the headboard beside the two, pouting.

"I just want him to be okay.." he murmured. Everyone did. But what could everyone do?

Over the course of that December, Patton, Logan, Virgil and every other Roman fan have noticed his sour mood. He's definitely not as smiley as he once was in videos, and you would have to be an idiot to think his laugh was real! He uploads one video each day, and in that video he is always with his friends who have gotten brutal with their verbal attacks, and some people have even pointed out dark marks across Roman's upper arms and collarbone that are sometimes shown glimpses of in different shots. Roman hasn't denied any of the speculations. His friends have.

"Guys! Guys! Look!" Patton rushed to his friends who sat outside in the garden. Each looked up from what they were doing to see what Patton wanted. He showed them the most recent short video Roman had uploaded to twitter. It was of him singing with no caption.

"Yeah, I wish I'd been, I wish I'd been, a teen, teen idle, wish I'd been a prom queen, fighting for the title instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible, feeling super, super, super suicidal..." they all noticed his subtle glance towards the camera as he said the last line, but it shifted directly afterwards. "The wasted years, the wasted youth, the pretty lies, the ugly truth, and the day has come where I have died, only to find, I've come alive.."

"He's singing Teen Idle" Virgil commented after a moment. "I wish I wasn't such a narcissist, I wish I didn't really kiss the mirror when I'm on my own. Oh God, I'm gonna die al-one" his voice cracked on the last word, but he grinned at the camera to try and lie to the viewers he was okay. He was not. "Adolescence didn't make sense, a little loss of innocence, the ugliness of being a fool, ain't youth meant to be beautiful?" He paused for a moment, smiled with pain gleaming in his eyes at the camera, and the video ended there.

"It is not often he sings a song that isn't from Disney, or a favourite musical of his"

"Or one he created" Virgil added on, Logan nodded in agreement. "What could it mean?" Patton cocked his head, fidgeting with the phone in his hands. Logan sighed and glanced away for a moment, "Maybe..." he began, closing his eyes momentarily. "We are looking too far into his actions" he finally admitted, "that tweet with the cryptic 'help' message was odd, and I will admit he does obtain a lot of shit from his friends, but would he truly try and subtly make everyone believe he wasn't okay?"

Virgil shrugged loosely, "hard to tell, maybe he really does want help?"

"He's only nineteen" Patton added on, "his friends are admittedly quite older" Logan finally succumbed.

In the end, all they could do was wait for Roman's next post. But it didn't come for quite some time. The next five videos on his channel didn't include him at all, and on the fifth day the episode barely had any views! Which was why, everyone was sure, on the sixth video Roman was back, looking like - in lack of a better word - shit. He had dark bags under his eyes, greasy hair, and old pyjamas. But none of his friends commented on it, instead they treated him like he was normal, even if he fell and tripped over a bunch of easily avoidable objects, and he could barely manage to speak through the video.

That was when comments about his health finally started to become overwhelming. They were everywhere, and news articles were joining in, too. It seemed everyone on earth ended up knowing about Roman's poor health.

On the twenty fifth of December, by midday after Patton, Logan and Virgil had opened all their presents and spent time with each other, they flicked on YouTube to their television and watched the live stream Roman and his friends had just started. For Christmas Day, there were a lot of people watching. Like usual, his friends all had their own cameras on their faces, Roman in the bottom left hand corner, but he obviously wasn't playing the game they all were, instead he was just smiling, and adding comments in whenever needed, but they were ignored. Throughout the first hour, Roman's mood deteriorated so much so he couldn't even bring himself to fake a smile.

People were commenting on it.

"Ro!" Jamie called lightheartedly over the mic, "lighten up a bit, it's Christmas!"

Roman smiled and chuckled, "I apologise greatly, my dear, I was merely thinking" he excused, everyone else didn't reply, and Roman went back to his 'thinking'. Everyone knew it was a lie. By the second hour, Patton and his friends were becoming increasingly worried, to a point Patton felt like he would cry. He knew he was overreacting, and felt stupid, for he didn't know Roman, he was just a celebrity, but still, Patton loved that man who always brought a smile to his face - seeing him so sad, it physically hurt.

Three hours. Three hours were too much. In the end, Roman didn't expect to last as long as he did. His friends were busy. He had the perfect opportunity. He wheeled his chair back, grabbed a white board and pen and wrote down two words. Two words that made everyone freak out.

"I'm sorry"

He held it up to the camera for a few seconds, enough time for mostly everyone to catch a glimpse before he put it down, mouthed 'goodbye' and left the camera. Leaving the house wasn't so hard, he left behind any device that could be used to track him down, and his friends didn't seem to care - in fact they'd probably have a better time knowing Roman wasn't there.

He didn't expect anyone to care, really.

He climbed into his car and drove. Only for half an hour, he needed to get away from the general population of the city to a quieter road. Finding the right cliff wasn't so hard, either. Roman didn't have to do much work. He sat in his silent car for awhile, staring out to the ocean, wondering what his life could have been if he just...said no. If he turned to his friends, and said no, they couldn't join his YouTube. Because in reality, he knew they would use him, his fame and fortune was the only thing that kept them around, he knew that, it was painfully obvious Roman wished they did it more subtly.

No, of course Roman knew the obvious, he didn't need fans telling him that. But his friends kept him alive, even if they were all slowly killing him. When he was a kid, he lost his sister, his parents blamed him, they turned to abuse to punish him for what he did, when they died, he was alone, alone for so long. When he started YouTube, you could tell, anyone could tell he was depressed, but YouTube helped, in a weird way, for when he gained followers, he felt like he gained friends, and he wasn't so alone anymore. When the boys came around, he had real friends, and even if they hurt him, manipulated him, used him, he wouldn't give them up for the world.

For the pain they give can't compare to the pain of being alone.

Maybe if he had actual friends, he wouldn't be here today, wind howling against his ears, whipping through the rushing air, clothes flapping against his body that dropped and dropped until...darkness. Maybe he wouldn't have to feel any pain ever again.

The day it happened was the same day news struck the world.

Roman Sanders attempted to take his own life

No one knew if he was alive, no one knew if he was dead, not even his friends, for the doctors kept them away, kept everyone away, Roman needed time alone.

His fans were freaking out, each and everyone blaming his friends who stayed silent during this time, away from the Internet completely. Other Youtubers and celebrities tweeted and posted their opinions, and prayers for Roman to get better soon, if he survived.

Even with millions worrying, Patton bet them all. He sobbed and sobbed for hours when the news struck, Logan and Virgil did the best they could, but in the end the tears wouldn't stop, and the frequent panic attacks wouldn't cease. Logan and Virgil had talked about the matter while Patton was passed out on the couch, and they knew the only thing they could do.

It was the twenty ninth when Logan, Virgil and Patton were standing inside the hospital Roman was staying in. They told the desk they were family, and as none of Roman's family had visited, they allowed them in. Patton wanted to walk in first, but for awhile he stood outside the room, staring at the door with vast emotions swimming in his eyes. They all knew what he was thinking - would the first people Roman wanted to see be fans? He would surely kick them out..send them away and demand they never come back.

Even still, Patton pressed on those worries and stepped in. The room was..empty. Not physically, but nothing could be felt, no emotion, nothing, it was empty. From a small radio played soft music that floated around the room, filling up the silence that would drown them all. Across from them, next to a window that faced the ocean, laid Roman, wired up on the bed, with a cast around his leg, arm, and bruises covering the side of his face. His eyes were open, hollow, but open, staring at the blue sky above.

Patton shuffled across the glowing white floor, shaky hands grabbing the frame around the bed. "Roman?" He murmured softly, Logan and Virgil hung back, this was Patton's moment, not there's. The man in question turned his head to the size, his amber eyes meeting with Patton's worried blue ones. He was surprised to see someone he didn't know - he expected a Doctor, or nurse, not a stranger.

"You're okay" Patton whispered, voice cracking as tears welled in his eyes. "You're okay"

Roman assumed he was a fan, because he didn't have any family left. Oddly he didn't mind. He found it quite endearing. His friends wouldn't do this.

"If you say so" Roman replied, and faced the sky again.

Roman breathed out a sigh of relief, reading over the tweets he had posted a few times before laying his phone screen against his chests. His visitors stayed around for longer, he learned their names - Patton, Virgil and Logan - he also found out they were fans of his channel for quite some time, and they all wanted to be a source of comfort for the man if he ever needed it. Roman had thanked them dearly, and had a conversation with them he never thought he'd have again. A conversation that wasn't filled with slander, or insults towards him, but a conversation he could be happy in, smile in, and not have to fake a laugh in.

Although his tweets had thousands of replies rolling in, these three were the ones he paid attention to the most. Patton, Logan and Virgil. Why was he smiling at the thought of them? Maybe because they've been the first people to treat him with such kindness since he's befriended the people that still live in his house - the people who have not texted him once.

The day he left hospital, Patton, Virgil and Logan drove him home. He couldn't be more grateful, and definitely exchanged numbers before he got out and walked up to his house. His new friends were worried about leaving him alone with those people, but drove off in the end, deciding to call him later to see how he was. Roman stepped into his house and heard his friends laughing in the living room. He silently walked upstairs, sat on his bed, placed his camera in front of him and recorded.

He explained everything. From what happened in his childhood, to when he was alone, to when his 'friends' started to change, and when he started to fall into depression. He made sure to not leave anything out, and finally addressed the highly talked about topic - how his friends have treated him. He admitted they were bullies, and it wasn't an act, they treated him like shit in and out of videos, and sometimes even hurt him physically if he had somehow annoyed them enough.

He told them he never left, or pushed them away, because being alone again would destroy him. But then, he smiled shyly, and told them about Patton, Virgil and Logan. He didn't say their names, but said they were there for him, even if he didn't know them, they visited frequently, and drove him home. He couldn't be more grateful for them, and made that a point in the recording, too.

When he finished, he was crying but beaming all the same. He had lifted a weight off his chest, and knew the rest would be gone by the time he uploads it. Before he did so, he packed up all his belongings - everything else in the house belonged to his friends - and left, finding his car parked in the driveway. How considerate. Hoping inside, he drove around the city for a bit, wondering if he could find a place to stay before his phone began to ring. It was Patton. Parking, he answered.

"Greetings, Patton" Roman's voice surprised the three on the other end. He sounded so boisterous already.

"Hey, Ro!" The nickname caused an uncomfortable feeling to arise in his stomach. His old friends always called him Ro. He couldn't remember them ever calling him by his full name. "We were just wondering how you were!" That alone made Roman smile again.

"Haven't died yet, have you?" Virgil spoke, tone indicating he was joking around. Roman huffed out a soft chuckle, brushing his hair to the side. "Oh, not yet, you emo nightmare. But, I have left the mansion, and I'm currently on the hunt for a motel...any ideas?"

"Yep!" Patton responded with a giggle, and gave him an address. Roman thanked him and they all shared goodbyes before hanging up. Roman followed the GPS until he was parked on the curb outside of a house. He cocked his head in confusion - could this be a motel? - but all was explained when the front door opened and Patton waved from the porch. He smiled fondly, grabbed his stuff, and thanked them all profusely for letting him stay.

"Anything for you, Roro!"

That nickname was new. It brought a blossoming feeling to his chest.

They all settled on the couch to watch a movie. Everyone was silent, but Roman found it better than if they were to talk. While everyone was slowly falling asleep and leaning against each other, Roman cuddled up to Patton and sighed out - maybe he could get his life back once and for all.

One year later...

—

This OneShot, man

Took bloody ages to get all those twitter accounts

11:20pm