On my mothers side of the family, I was given genes that have a severe lung disease. Because of this severe lung disease I am not allowed to smoke (I wouldn't anyway), or go near birds (There feathers are highly dangerous to our lungs, and can cause the disease to kick in.)

On my fathers side of the family, I was given genes for a type of cancer, not leaukemia like Thomas got though, but a cancer I actually don't remember. Apparenlty the cancer tends to skip a generation. My Nana died of it, and I might even get it one day. I have death all around me.

For instance, my grandma on my mother's side is dying. It's heartbreaking to see. My grandma moved down to where I live when Thomas and Lauren were born to help out with home stuff. She helped with homework, cooked amazing meals and would come around to babysit when mum was at work. My grandma is a super lady. I have one cousin on my mums side who was disowned (Practically) by my Uncle. My grandma got him to live with her, as well as my sister who moved in with her some years ago. You get the gist, my grandma is an amazing lady, who has down some pretty cool things in her life and compassionate to take on her children's kids even though she didn't have to. But now she is dying of this lung disease and over the past few months I have been watching her deteriorate; from this super woman that would come over with cooked meals, she can't drive, can't walk long distances, can't shower herself, and can't really breath anymore. She had a machine that provides her oxygen that she has to take wherever she goes. I think when Thomas died, we all knew she was the next to go, but none of us pictured it to take her so quickly or so badly. She's not gone yet mind you, but I'm getting to that.

When Thomas died she was distraught, though my grandma isn't a person to tell anyone what's bothering her. She always pretends she's not upset. Like for instance she is dying, and she knows it, and I haven't heard her say one bad comment about the situation, not even mention the situation. So when Thomas died, I remember my mum telling me that Grandma said she wished it was her (We all did) but my grandma was upset because she was the one that was meant to die, and she felt terrible for out living Tommy.

Now I have been going over to my grandma's place a lot to eat lunch and read with her and watch Tv she likes, like MKR or I'm a Celebrity get me out of here. And having a good ol' chat about getting ready for Uni. And I'm doing this a lot because she's cool to hang around, though she can't do much and she ends up going to bed for a sleep while my mum cleans the house and waters the plants. But yesterday I went to my grandma's place and sat on a beanbag in another room when Grandma's doctor visted for a check up. I sat in the other reading my book, (which grandma recommended to me) and I decided to listen to snippets of the conversation that went between my grandma, the doctor, the nurse and my mum. They talked about how my grandma has only a few weeks left, but we can't pin point a deadline. How my grandma's breathing is going to get so bad that it will stop her heart. How what we need to focus on for my grandma is her immediate comfort. About medication to calm her body. About a plan for who to call for when she dies. All of this is pretty heavy stuff for someone to listen to, especially someone that has previously lost their brother.

Once the doctor left and emerged from the beanbag in the other room, looking for a chocolate milk, my mother told me to stay in the room while she went with my grandma into her bed room. While my grandma was gone she said in a low whisper in the kitchen. "Just stay away fro a while. We are going to do her will."

Then mum disappeared into grandma's bedroom and I continued to read my book.

I guess what I really wanted the point of this chapter to be about is Will's. Though I needed a big lead up to it.

One of the huge differences between Thomas and my grandma, was when Thomas died he didn't have a will. He was too young to write one, and he was too young to have anything of value to give away to people he loved. So what happened to a dead boy's things? Well they sit in his room, untouched. We moved some of his things into a cabinet in the Rumpas room, of significance. There are teddy's and school clothes, and his favourite books, his favourite Lego sculptures,  his wallet, a costume he liked to wear and even the last take out he ever had (we keep the box/cup) it was donut king. As well as his ashes. In his room are his clothes, more toys, his boxes' of Thomas the Tank Engine tracks, his costumes, his bed sheets, and lots of photos of him.

I kept one of his toys, it's in my room and so did everyone else.

I knew a girl that died last year, from cancer. She was 15. Her name was Laura and she was such an amazing woman. I loved her, I envied her and I cried terribly when she died. Laura wrote a will, I know that much. Laura knew she was dying. Thomas didn't. Laura planned her own funeral the day before she died. She told her mother she wanted everyone to dress up at her funeral. Because she loved dressing up herself. So her funeral a week later, everyone turned up in costumes and onesies. I wasn't able to go as she lived far away. But I loved Laura.

(The picture this time is of the lovely Laura. Rest in peace my sweet angel- 2015)