{Caitriona}

"Caitriona, everyone that I've been with I've had to keep hidden. You are the first girl that I've actually, for a long time now....that I don't want to keep hidden anymore. I know this is scary, but I am just as scared as you. I want you in my life, even if I have to lose a few people too" He breathes, as I turn around meeting his eyes.

"Please tell me you feel the same way" He gulps as a single tear rolls down my flushed cheek. 

"I...Can't" I cry, wishing someone for once could hear and understand my cry.  I wish that I lived in a perfect world where he belonged, but he doesn't; even if he did I wouldn't want him to waste his life on someone so used and washed up. 

"Please tell me that is a lie...I know you feel the same way" he swallows as his eyes swell up with tears. 

"I can't love you! How don't you get that Niall! God you are in my head 24/7 and I can't ever get you out! You don't know how badly I want to be with you, it's just.." I trail off

"It's just what Caitriona! Oh wait let me guess it's the it's not you it's me crap! I'm sorry but I refuse to believe any of that! Just admit you love me!" He demands tugging at the ends of his hair. As his frustration grows, my heart sinks back into the dark abyss Niall once saved me once from. 

"If you already knew that I loved you why would you ask me?! I'm so infatuated with you I can barely breathe! Every single fiber of me is in love with you! I'm so intoxicated with you that I know one day I will overdose...and i can't live with myself if I break your heart" I cry.

"As you can see Kate, my heart is already spelled out for you" he says as tears prick my eyes. I have to lie, when will the truth set me free?

"I'm sorry Niall, I just can't" I sob into my hands. In My world, he's too perfect to touch, to have. Keep hurting him, push him away...it's better this way. My mind tells me, but my heart says: admit it to yourself Kate, you love him. You know you do. But I am too scared to, I can't..I can't.

In this case...I choose what matters the most, Me.

Since when have I actually considered what I wanted. This entire time I've been so worried about everyone else accept me. I've been so worried about not living up to my mothers standards, and yet so worried about what everyone else thinks of me. This is me, I am Caitriona Aimee Walsh. I had a daughter with Liam Payne, I'm in love with my Brother's best friend, I am cheating on Ronan Demshire, and why should I care what everyone else thinks? It's about time I own up to my mistakes whether or not I am ready to accept them.

"Come with me" I say taking his hand, but he rips it away. 

"Can you please explain this?" He asks as I shake my head. 

"I can't explain this type of thing, I have to show you" I let out a shaky breath as he nods and lets me take his hand. I drag him outside to the car and quickly hop in.

"Where are we going?" He asks as I gulp, clenching the steering wheel. 

"We are going to my Aunts house" I bite my lip.

"Why?" He shrugs. 

"There is someone I'd like you to meet" I sigh.

//

I'm crying.

As always, 

-ily xx