(tw: mentions of abuse, self  harm and suicidal thoughts)

princey was asleep, i had pretended to fall asleep so at least one of us could get some good night sleep. i got up and went into the bathroom, the light nearly blinding me as i turned them on. i turned the water on and splashed some water on my face, there was no point of going back to sleep so i might as well wake myself up. ugh look at me, i look like a mess. well at least i looked better than before.

the bags under my eyes are gone, and so are the black eyes. my cheeks aren't as hallow, but they're still skinny as fuck. you can't see hand prints on my neck either, maybe a few hickeys here and there buts that's all. i looked down at my hands, no more bloody or bruised fist either. what about my arms? and my thighs, shoulder and stomach? yeah those look the same. maybe i look fine on the outside but on the inside i'm not okay.

after years of fucking abuse of course i'm not okay. i can acknowledge that my life is good now, but it just feels weird. i feel weird enjoying it. i can't help but think that maybe i don't deserve this, that maybe i don't deserve any of this. maybe i don't deserve to live. i've lived with this mentality since forever, but it has only resurfaced because of those six months. the six months i didn't eat, the six months princey wouldn't really acknowledge me, the six months i had nightmare after nightmare of being beaten to the pulp. i had.. i guess relapsed you could say.

i ducked down and looked at the cabinet under the sick, i looked for the little box i hid. it was still there, untouched and unnoticed. i was about to open the box but stopped. i had to see something before i did. i stood up and took of my sweater. i was shirtless underneath except for the scars that covered my body. my wrist, my arms, my stomach, hell you could even see part of my hip. they were all covered in scars, that's why i never let princey see me undressed. if they were old scars then yeah he could see me undressed, but they're not old. they're new. i don't know how he would react to them.

as i looked over them, tracing my finger over each one of them. i got so used to the pain that i long for it now. i looked down at the box and thought about it. is this a good idea? maybe not but my existence isn't a good idea either. i opened the box and examined the little blade. i shouldn't do it, but at the same time i should. i deserve this don't i? each cut is for each kid that got left behind, because i was chosen over them. each cut if for every year i was on the isle. each cut was for each hit i received, for all the yelling and the things thrown at me. by the end, i had blood dripping off of my wrist on to the sink. i turned the water on and let it get rid of the water.

i went and sat in the bathtub as i let the scars bleed. i am a fucking mess. i should be grateful and appreciate life, but i can't. i've tried, i have been trying so hard but after a while pretending to be happy gets exhausting. i don't have anyone to talk about it to either. i know princey said i can talk to him, but this could really hurt our relationship. i mean if he sees me like this he's going to think i'm a freak. he's going to get mad that i've been hiding it from him, or he's going to laugh and dump me. i know he's not like that, but i can't help thinking it. how would i even start that conversation? oh hey princey, remember how i told you i was being abused? yeah well that shit really got to me and i'm a huge fucking mess.

there's times where i feel like i want to unload on him. on the isle, i also admitted that i was scared to be back only because of mothers abusive boyfriend. i almost admitted that i continued to cut myself too. the night of the cotillion, i had gotten up and cried in the bathroom as i thought about what had happened. i blamed myself for umas actions, and i thought about what i would've done if princey was actually in love with mal. i know i was probably overreacting but it made me feel so worthless.

worthless, i hate that feeling. seeing princey with mal made me feel so fucking worthless. i thought that if he didn't want me then no one would. i almost fucking killed myself, that's how fucking worthless i felt. i mean he just 'dumped' me like i was nothing and didn't really acknowledge me. it just reminded me of how he treated me, i can't even bring myself to say his name or else i'd really drive myself off of a cliff. i remember one time princey walked in on me crying and instead of asking what was wrong, he got his stuff and left. he left to go be with mal. i remember feeling like i was drowning, i walked into the bathroom and hit the wall so many times i broke my hand. i ended up in the nurses office as she looked for something to help me, some potion or whatever. i came back to the room to find princey and mal kissing on my bed. i felt like i was drowning yet again. she quickly left and princey ignored me. he didn't even apologize for being on my bed. that night i was so ready to just end it all, but i didn't. i don't know what stopped me, but something i regret it.

again, i know it's stupid. i should be happy with the life i have and that's that. i'll just keep pretending everything is fine until the day i actually die. i closed my eyes and just let the blood dry up. the air hitting the open scars felt nice. then i heard the door knob jiggle as someone was trying to open the door. i forgot to lock it didn't i? i quickly got up to grab my sweater but it was too late. the door opened just as i grabbed it and in walked princey.

"val? why are you on the ground? and why is the water on?" princey turned the faucet off and rubbed his eyes as he looked in the mirror. once his eyes adjusted to the light i had my sweater back on. "sorry about that, i'll leave you to do what you must." i quickly walked out and sighed in relief as princey didn't see anything. i laid back down, it was still nighttime. probably four in the morning, i didn't have the energy to check actually.

"uh val, what's this?" i looked over and saw princey holding my blade in one hand and it's box in the other. i felt my stomach drop as i realized i had forgotten to put those away. quick, think of something! "drugs?" not that you fucking idiot. "drugs?" does he believe me? "yes!" no he doesn't believe me.

"val i'm not stupid, it has blood on it. val did you...?" i shook my head but he didn't believe me. "val it's okay, you can tell me. i won't judge you. i won't ever judge you. just show me so i can make sure you don't get an infection." i didn't move, i just stared at him like a lost child. "val please." should i? should i not? or should i make a run for it? he's probably faster than me so what's the point of that plan. maybe jump out the window? ugh this is pointless, this was bound to happen sooner or later wasn't it? i slowly took off my hoodie to reveal well everything.

he didn't say anything, and i was avoiding looking at him. i heard movement but didn't bother looking up. i was about to put my hoodie back on when princey got back in bed. he grabbed my wrist and began cleaning my cuts? "ouch!" whatever he did fucking stung. "stay still, i have to use alcohol disinfectant and it does sting." i bit down on my tongue as he continued to dab the alcohol in the wounds. i finally looked to see his face, it was a mix of worry and concentration. he began to wrap a bandage around them, which i didn't know we had. after he finished he brought my arm up and placed a small simple kiss on it. which was cute but confusing.

he got up and threw away the cotton ball things and put the things back. he went over to his dresses and took out a hoodie. is he giving me one of his hoodies? he is not, no that's... that's really cute. he came back and helped me put it in, though i didn't really need help but i appreciate the gesture. he tucked me in? i'm not a baby what is he on? crack?

"val, you know you can always talk to me. i won't ever judge you, this will always be a safe place for you." i feel like a baby right now, and i don't know how to feel. he wasn't suppose to find out, he wasn't suppose to see. this can open trust issues in our relationship. "if you don't want to talk about it now that's fine, i'll never pressure you into doing anything."  i looked up at him and leaned forward, maybe this will change the subject. yes that's what i need, to change the subject.

i hoped on him and kissed him deeply, and for the most part he kissed back. since he was a good guy, he stopped the kiss. he clearly saw what i was trying to do and he put a stop to it. "babe, darling, val, stop. as much as i want to do this, you just can't change the subject with kissing." ugh why can't you just kiss me and drop the subject?

"fine okay, you win. yeah i still fucking cut myself. i've been doing it since forever, it's like an addiction now.  any small thing that makes me upset cause me to break. i'm a mess, i'm sorry for being such a fucking mess. if you want to break up with me, that's fine and i totally understand. i mean i wouldn't want to be with me either." i was expecting him to throw me off the bed, or well off of him, but he didn't. his thumb was on my cheek as he rubbed it softly. it felt so so nice.

"val it's okay to not be okay. if you're a mess then i'm here to clean you up, if that makes sense. i am not going to break up with you, i'd be a fool if i did. i love you, and i know to any other person it probably seems too soon but when you know you know. " he pulled me closer and kissed my forehead. "and i definitely know. i'll get you the help you need, and i'll make whoever hurt you pay. if you ever need to cry, scream, throw something, smash something, i'll be here." how can anyone just be so calm and collected about this? i don't know how he does it but whatever he's doing is working.

"i'm sorry." was all i could say, i didn't know what else to say. yeah i thought he would be freaked out but he's not. my self conscious just won't let me be happy will it? "you have nothing to apologize for." i shook my head. "i have many things to apologize for." i'm a huge fucking mess, i mean imagine me as king? that will be oh so much worse. maybe i can handle it, maybe i can't. if he's serious about getting me help, well then maybe i have something to look forwards to now. this doesn't completely get rid of all my worries and insecurities, but it helps calm them down a bit. i don't know how many times i have thanked him, but i'll keep doing it.

"i love you ben."