2nd of Mid-Year, 4E 203

For the first time in many, many years, I slept without a nightmare haunting me. No horrifying images of the Hunting Grounds, no fear of being chased by wolves or other, much more dangerous, predators, no rage towards bandits like the Silver Hand. Instead, my mind was protected by a certain raven-haired battle maiden, warding away all my negative thoughts.

Until my wolf lunged within my breast and jolted me awake.

Deep down, I felt the pull, the drive, the need to get up and chase after her, the mate that my wolf longed for. The beast howled with its desire, and I howled along with it. I had to stay in control of this creature. If I gave in, gods only knew what unspeakable damage I could cause. Sweat dampening my brow, I curled into a tight ball and fought the hardest fight I had ever fought.

At some point, Farkas had burst into my room and held me to my bed. He kept me anchored, gave me something to hold onto when the beast began to overwhelm me. My fingernails turned to claws, my teeth pointed into sharp fangs, and a growl deep within my throat escaped me. I was edging the line between man and animal, and it took everything I had to stay in control.

After an eternity, the beast gave up, settling into the dark corner I often beat it into. My body returned to normal, and Farkas let go of me. I sat up, rubbing my bare chest, trying to get my breathing back under control.

As my beast relinquished me, the sound of a wolf's howling pierced through the halls, and I shuddered. That was Ylva. It could not be anyone else.

"Thank the gods all the whelps were too drunk to hear any of that," said Farkas as he gripped my shoulder. "Are you all right?"

"Something's happened to Ylva," I panted. Red streaks marred my chest, where my claws had scraped through flesh in an effort to let the beast free. I ignored the sting of sweat dripping into the wounds and got off my bed. I donned a thin tunic and my boots before leaving my room, heading for the training yard. Farkas trailed on my heels.

"How do you know something happened to Ylva?"

"I just do. Something's... something's not right."

The cool night air greeted us when we stepped outside. All seemed normal; the stars twinkled overhead, the moons gave off their light, and in the west, blue and green aurora danced like waves beating against the sea shore.

But I knew that this night was far from normal.

"Look," said Farkas, drawing my attention away from the sky and to a pile of cloth in the middle of the training yard.

I raced to it, scooping up a shredded tunic and holding it to my nose. It smelled like her. She had been here.

"I recognize that," said Farkas, standing at my side. "It belonged to Ylva. What do you think happened to her?"

"Her wolf took over." I pinched the bridge of my nose, clinging to the ruined shirt and hanging my head. "She couldn't fight any longer."

Beside me, Farkas shook his head. "She's only transformed a handful of times. It's a miracle this didn't happen sooner."

"Having the soul of a dragon perhaps helped her resist the call, but even the Dragonborn can't fight Hircine forever." Scooping up the rest of the tattered clothing, I bundled the fabric under my arm and walked back towards Jorrvaskr. "We must go find her."

Farkas jogged to catch up to me, standing at my shoulder again. "What do we have to do?"

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Tracking Ylva proved to be more difficult than I had thought it would be. She had climbed over the city's wall just after she transformed, but where she went from there, it was hard to say. Her scent was being overwhelmed by all the other wildlife beyond Whiterun's walls.

For Farkas, at least. I, on the other hand, could follow Ylva's scent easily.

"Why are you so... aware of her scent?" he asked me as we tracked Ylva through the plains to the east of the city.

I shrugged, mind racing to come up with some sort of excuse. The last thing my brother needed to know was that I was infatuated with our new Harbinger. "I'm just better at noticing things."

He scoffed. "You always think you're better at everything."

"That's because I am."

He harrumphed, but said nothing else.

After following the trail for some twenty minutes, Farkas and I found the remains of a large deer. Its chest cavity was torn open, heart missing, and the ground was stained in blood.

I knelt down beside the carcass, resting my hand on its mutilated neck. The body was cold; Ylva's wolf had made the kill some time ago.

"Oh, gods..."

I looked up, and the sight I saw made my stomach heave.

Farkas stood over the dismembered body of a Whiterun guard. The yellow sash around the torso was stained with blood. His legs were missing entirely, and there was not enough left of his head to recognize him. Wounds, deep and long, marred his stomach, and like the deer, his heart was missing.

"These wounds are too deep to be from any other animal," said Farkas, kneeling beside the guard. "Not to mention she only consumed his heart."

I steeled myself, swallowing hard, and got to my feet. "Go back to the city and tell Aela about this. I'll find Ylva and bring her back."

"Be careful, brother. She may still be... you know."

"If it comes to it, I'll transform, but I'm going to bring her back safely. We just lost one Harbinger." I ducked my head so he would not see the emotion on my face. "We can't lose another."

"I know, Vilkas. Just... bring yourself back, too."

I looked up, grinning a little. "You know me, brother. You can't get rid of me that easily."

We clapped one another on the shoulder, then parted ways. I stayed rooted in my spot until I could no longer see his silhouette illuminated by the moons.

"All right, Ylva," I whispered to myself, readjusting the strap of my satchel filled with a change of clothes for her. "Where are you?"

I followed the trail of blood until I could no longer see it, then I switched to following her scent. As I followed it off the cobblestone path and into the woods, it was becoming harder to distinguish her smell from the forest around me. Thankfully, the wolf had left marks on the trees and in the ground with her claws. There was more to follow than just her scent.

It was morning before I finally found her. The stench of wet dog had disappeared and the gentle aroma of mountain flowers had taken its place. I had started running towards her, where she was hiding behind a large boulder just at the edge of a clearing, when I remembered the pile of torn clothes in the training yard. Ylva was bound to be... well, unclothed. I should keep my distance, just to be safe.

"Ylva!" I called. "Ylva, where are you?!"

"Vilkas?"

It was her. My heart made a leap for joy. "Yes! Where are you?"

"Close. Just keep following my voice, but don't get too close. I'm... um... indecent."

In spite of myself, I grinned. "I thought as much when I found your clothes in the training yard." I reached into the satchel at my side, fished the rolled-up tunic and leggings out of the bag, and threw them towards the rock. "Here."

After a few moments, she stepped out, hair sticking to her damp face, cheeks pale, and eyes so hollow. She knew what she had done, and it was killing her inside.

Instead of addressing this, I took her pair of leather boots out of the satchel and held them to her. "You might need these," I said, looking down at her bare feet.

She took them from me and put them on. "Thanks."

I nodded, then rushed forward to pull her into my arms. I ran my fingers through her sweaty hair, hoping I could at least calm her down. "Are you all right? We heard howling last night."

After returning my embrace, she shook her head. "I couldn't fight it anymore, Vilkas. The hunt called me. It was too strong. I had to hunt last night."

"We found a trail of blood leading from a deer carcass. Your doing?"

She nodded. "Did you find a guard?"

"I was just about to ask you about that."

Her body started trembling. When she spoke, her voice cracked with a sob. "Gods, no. No, no, no, no. I didn't mean to. I never wanted to."

I gently shushed her, still stroking her hair. "It's not your fault, Ylva. It's Hircine's."

"We need to leave for Ysgramor's tomb today. I can't let that happen again. This beast inside of me needs to die. I can't take it anymore." She sobbed against my chest, and my heart ached for her. Gods, it ached for her. I knew just how she felt, how powerless, how guilty. It was not fair to her. She did not deserve to feel like this. She had suffered enough in this life; she did not deserve anymore suffering.

After a few moments, I decided to speak, hoping I could help her work through her guilt. "If that's what you want to do, I will follow. I feel that I need to cure myself, too. The urge to hunt last night was strong. I'm afraid it'll only get stronger the longer I resist."

"Then we go together." She stopped crying, her body stilling. "Have you ever killed someone that way, Vilkas?"

Gods, how I wish I could say no. "Yes. The beast within doesn't care about what blood you spill. It just wants blood. It's all right, Ylva. No one will know it was you."

"I'll know. The gods will know. You'll know. That's worse than the whole province knowing."

I looked down at her. She was so small, nearly a head shorter than me and half my size. "Hey, I forgive you. You weren't in control. The Ylva I know would never kill an innocent man. And if I know it, the gods know it, too. They'll forgive you."

"But how can I ever forgive myself?"

I pulled her back into my body, resting my chin on top of her head. Her grip on my tightened once more, and her body quaked against mine. "One day at a time, Ylva."