So read at your own risk because it's about to get really f*ckin depressing in this b*tch. So yeah... Uh... Beware...

...

I created one of my characters out of a single emotion: sadness and depression. Her name is Amaranda, and on days, she channels me perfectly. Several days, lately.

I've been getting severe depression for no reason. I wonder if anyone would care if I died. I can't get to sleep, but I don't know why. When I put the dishes away and it comes to the knives, I get an unexplainable urge to open wounds on myself.

No smile feels real anymore. It feels like it's fake, a show so that people won't worry about me. A mask that hides my real self.

I don't want people fussing over me, because that's not part of me. I'm not an attention wh*re, and I don't want to be. I try to blend in to the shadows most of the time. I don't want people to see me, or else they may notice the real girl behind this fake mask of flesh that seems so real.

My real self thinks of self-harm but knows that I have to stay strong for friends and family. And then there's the dark side hidden away in my brain, the side that's been gnawing and fighting for attention lately.

It says to kill myself. I don't know why. It would be incredibly f*cking selfish, because I have no reason to. No matter where I look, there's no motive for me to hurt myself, excluding my personality.

I try to tell others that they're beautiful and to stay strong, but I think I gave everyone else all of my confidence. I can't stay happy for an extended period of time.

I don't know what to do. I have no reason to be unhappy. It's just my personality, I guess. I thought it would pass quickly, but it's not.

I don't eat as much. Not because I'm trying to lose weight, but because I'm not hungry. I don't know why. When I got up one morning, I realized that I had a smaller stomach than a few weeks ago.

It perplexes me. I know that people care, so why do I feel these things? I fall back into the endless cycle of questions when I try to answer it.

Why did I think of throwing myself in front of that passing car? Why do I think of slitting my throat or pushing a knife into my stomach or chest?

Why?

...

I apologize, I just needed to get this out. I'll probably delete this later.