For Snek, my beloved! Pls enjoy this disaster of a fic I have concocted in your honor.

Wade was going to die.

Of shame, to clarify.

There was nothing in heaven, earth, hell, space, Asgard or even the multiverse that had successfully wiped his sorry ass from existence – barring maybe a few 'What If' comics out there that went as far as complete earth extinction.  But the earth wasn't exploding this time around, and Wade wasn't even in that much pain aside from the blood rushing to his head.

It was the shame of getting jumped while on a food run that was going to do him in. By a bunch of kids who looked like they should still be in high school, no less.  Maybe they were still in high school. The building they dragged him into looked of the academic type, and all of the kids rushing to and fro wore matching school uniforms. Carrying black chalk, and large dusty books, and – ooh, were those home-made candles? Gotta appreciate the dedication, you rarely came across such hands-on tom foolery.

"I need to pee." He told this to one of the girls standing closest to him. Her other witchy friends – they were witches if you weren't catching on, minus brooms, cats, and warts – and were following her orders, setting up candles, and writing exorcist circles all over the floor in thick black chalk. It was such nice dark wood too.

She was calling the shots so Wade assumed she was the manager he went to if he had a complaint.

"Hold it," the girl said, whipping her dark ponytail around as she looked up at him. They had suspended him from the ceiling in a twisting trap of glowing purple chains.

"How can I hold it if you don't unchain me?" He answered matter of factly.

Little Miss Witch rolled her eyes, "We may be young, but we weren't born yesterday."

"Yeah, well, if you don't unchain me, you're going to be wet TODAY. Or at least your nice little circle down there will be. Would hate to mess up all those lovely satanic symbols. Also, I was promised food, and I have zilch. Maybe you guys should work on your bedside manners before you start kidnapping well-meaning mercenaries off the street."

"Are you sure we even need him?" Another tike grumbled, this one with pale white skin, red hair done up in pigtails and a face smattered with freckles.

Little Miss Witch sighed, rubbing her forehead with both hands as if she could just not with her right now. "Yes, Wendy! We need him. Do you know what would happen if we tried to summon Shikla without her heartmate here as a bargaining chip? She'd tear us limb from limb, and I'd let her start with you!"

Wade perked up, craning his neck, "Whoa - whoa, far be it me from telling anyone what to do, but what do you need my sexy-sexy demon spouse for? Also, if you unchain me I won't let her tear you limb from limb, so I think that's a better offer than little Miss Witch can give you."

Little Miss Witch glared, "Not that it's any of your business-"

"As the damsel in distress, I'd like to think it's somewhat my business. IMO."

"-but out leader, Headmistress Soo, died last week."

"Oh? My condolences. How'd she die? If I guess, will you let me down?"

"She died choking on a hockey puck."

"That was, like, my third guess."

"She was a powerful witch! And so, she requires a powerful vessel when we bring her spirit back."

Wade nodded approvingly, he would be stroking his chin if able, "The ol' bring back your dead mentor schtick. I'd dig it. You know, if that wasn't my wifey you were trying to hijack. I don't think she would like that very much. So, counteroffer, you let me go, and I'll get food somewhere else, and we can put all of this behind us. I really don't want to kill a bunch of kids."

"Were not kids! We're a coven of witches!"

"Oh, in that case, my conscience is clear," Wade drawled.

One of the other students put the last candle down and signaled to Little Miss Witch, "That's it, we're ready!"

Little Miss Witch dragged a chair over to him, gripping the cute little knife she'd been handed by one of her colleagues. Adorable. She climbed up, trying to figure out which area of Wade's body she wanted to hack away at. Wade squirmed.

"Okay, just...hold on," with a harsh jerk, a loud pop from his arm, Little Miss Witch reeled back in alarm, falling off the chair. His - now dislocated - arm wriggled out of the chains, and he reached for the knife. "Yeah, sorry - can I just borrow this real quick? I promise to return it." SCHITCK. He looked at the knife now imbedded in his palm. "That's on me. I should've been more specific."

"His blood is drawn," Little Miss Witch shouted, slapping away the hands of Pigtails who was attempting to help her off the ground. "Quick! Cast the spell!"

The rest of the coven gathered around the circle, holding hands. As they began to chant, wafts of purple glowing smoke drifted from the candles and floorboards. Wade groaned, "Ugh, its college all over again."

"O Mother Earth and Sky, hear your daughters plaintive cry, we gift you with this human wine, now send its heartmate to our sign!"

An explosion of purple smoke flooded the room, funneling around the circle like a tornado. A burnt smell permeated afterward, like burnt hair and a touch of rubber, and when the tornado began to slow, a new figure stood in the middle of the haze.

"Shikla, baby, I can explain-" Wade started and then stopped. His surprise lasted only a few moments before his expression crumpled and he glowered at the finely dressed man blinking owlishly in the middle of the room. "Great. Who invited Captain Buzzkill?"

Peter Parker looked as though someone had picked him up by the scruff of his neck and plopped him down again halfway across the country. Which, Wade supposed, may have been exactly what happened. He wasn't magically inclined; he didn't know how all the voodoo worked.

His clothes were rumpled and there was a bagel hanging out of his mouth. He had a hand curled around his tie, midway from taking it off, like he had just started undressing. "Uh...what? The fuck?" he squawked eloquently.

At least the witches looked as confused as they both felt.

"That's not Shikla, is it?" Pigtails whispered to her friend.

"Of course not!" Little Miss Witch hissed, "We - we must've gotten the spell wrong."

"Spell?" Parker parroted.

"I don't think so," another girl was saying, thoughtfully thumbing through an ancient book with yellowed pages. "We got the runes, the blood, the incantation - everything looks right."

"We must've gotten the spell wrong," Little Miss Witch insisted, vehemently.

Wade held up his hand, still imbedded with a knife, "I've got to agree with Miss Witchy. We aren't even Australian outback 'g'day mates', much less of the heart variety. You've all done goofed."

"Whatever! What's done is done," Little Miss Witch flapped her hands at Wade, "Aimee, get the urn!"

"The what?" Parker sputtered, just as one of the girls grabbed a container off a nearby table and tossed the contents over him, covering his fancy suit and scruffy brown hair in black-grey ash. He looked over himself in dawning horror, "Is this..."

"The ashen remains of our headmistress," Aimee beamed proudly. "Now it's only a matter of time before she takes you as her new vessel."

"Remains?! Vessel?!" Parker shook himself like a wet dog, spitting out globs of ash and slapping it off his clothes like he were on fire. "Ew, ew, EW it's in my mouth."

"No offense to madam headmistress, but she can do better," Wade said, and then hit the floor as the chains disappeared with a POP.

"What's done is done," Little Miss Witch said, puffing her chest proudly and crossing her arms. "It may not be...the ideal vessel, but it's a vessel all the same."

"Yeah, well, your vessel would like to have a say in this," Parker said, raising his hand politely. He pointed a finger. "Undo the spell."

"We can't, it's already been cast."

"What, there's no uno reverse? No magic potion I can drink. There's always a magic potion to drink!"

"Geez, Parker, not all witches live by those stereotypes," Wade drawled, rolling his eyes. "Maybe you should go through some diversity training in that big ol' business of yours." He strode past him with nothing but a rough pat on the shoulder that sent up a cloud of ash. "Well, guess there's nothing we can do about it. Obviously, I was horribly tricked, so I'll be taking my complaint up in that fancy ol town down the road and get some actual food. Have fun being a witch headmistress," he waved over his shoulder.

"Hey, wait-" Parker ran after him, shaking off the insistent hands of the young witches who had procured a pair of dusty old robes and were trying to get him to put it on, "I don't even know where I am!"

"Tough luck, buttercup. I'm sure you can figure it out. Call up your beefcake Spider-Man, I'm sure he'll be happy to come pick you up."

"He can't...he's...busy..."

Wade turned to quirk an unimpressed, nonexistent eyebrow, "You let your puppy off his leash?"

"There's a crisis going on!" Parker's arms exploded in frustrated motions, "There are giant meteor-like things falling from the sky, only they're not space rocks, they are huuuuge monsters that are attempting to level cities. Do you want me to pull him away from that?"

Wade rolled his eyes, "Typical. There's always got to be some disaster. Fine, guess that means I have to babysit you, or whatever. The downsides to being a hero." He sighed, heavy and already exhausted from the mental strain of having to deal with Peter Parker's whining, and begrudging waved for him to follow. "Fine, fine, I'll find you a taxi. Maybe a cell tower so you can call your gold-plated buddies to come pick you up in their flying car. I don't know what you shady CEO's do in your free time."

"Watch binge TV and order take out, mostly," Peter slammed the door behind him before the witches could follow. "Nothing weird."

"Uh-huh, sure. Bet you have a bunch of freaky deaky stuff in your basement."

"What? Like a sex dungeon?"

Wade heaved his shoulders in a shrug, "I don't know, maybe. Who cares? I don't care. Come on, can't you go any faster."

"Sorry, these shoes weren't exactly designed to trek through snow," he trudged through the piles of snow in example. Pitifully, annoyingly slow.

Before Wade could ask if they were made from the skin of baby seals, a bright flash of light streaked across the sky, painting a line to the town a mile or so down the road.

"Uhh...what did you say about those meteors?"

Peter slapped a hand over his face, "Of course one has to land here. Of course! Just my luck."

"Just their luck too," Wade withdrew the Glock at his hips, "alright, you stay here and hide in that a snow pile and I'll go take care of this. You know, like a hero does."

"Maybe I should call Spider-Man," Peter suggested, backing up. "I uh, might be able to get a call out. He could get here pretty quick to help."

Right, call his lapdog to clean up a mess. Funny how he won't even suggest getting his own hands dirty, but then again, what else was to be expected with these pencil pusher types. Wade clicked the safety off, and stomped away, just being near the guy made him want to shoot something.

"No," he said, "Leave the poor guy be. He's probably busy helping someone not get eaten by one of these things, and who are we to deny that poor victim their life? Believe it or not, people can't just drop what they're doing at your every whim to save your ass."

"Uh..."

"Besides, I can handle this. I'm an Avenger, you know. Card carrying, certified, 100% legal heroism. So just sit there and look pretty and try not to mess anything up, alright? Alright."

"I could-" Peter started, rushing after Wade, only for his leg to kick out from under him and fall face first in the snow.

Wade snorted a laugh, shamelessly pointing.

"I think I just lost control of my leg," Peter announced, wide eyed as he pushed himself up. Wade grabbed him by the arm and hauled him to his feet, pausing long enough to do a double take and give a confused squeeze to his bicep.

Damn, he may sit in an ivory tower all day, but Parker actually had some muscle under all that suit. Wade wondered if it was imported. Surgically applied like plastic surgery. Typical. Because bad people got to have magnificently defined bodies on top of everything else.

We don't know if he is bad yet, a voice reminded him. Give it another squeeze. Indulge. He can't be all that bad if Spider-Man hangs around him.

"Not if Spider-Man doesn't know," Wade grumbled, and Peter gave him a wide-eyed look.

"What?"

"Nothing. Sheesh. Mind your own business. Do you think you can keep yourself under control long enough for me to take this thing out?"

"I - I yeah, I think so. But really, I wouldn't mind helping."

"Thanks sweetheart, but I think I got it handled from here. Toodle pip!" And Wade ran across the snow without a second glance, with nothing but Peter's frustrated sigh following across the white plains.

As it turned out, fighting a creature that looked like a mutated eggplant was fucking HARD – was that a dick pun? Yes, it was. The thing was massive (HA!), and persistent (HAHA!), and hellbent on destroying lives (HAHAHAH!) No matter how many bullets he shot, or stabby stabs he tried, the thing wasn't even slowing down.

And then a bunch of civilians got swallowed up and he had to go in after them to save their lives, and ugh, that was just another thorn in his side. When he finally managed to make it out, he had to get help from the headmistress inhabiting Parker's body completely now.

Which, he's gotta admit, it was hilarious to watch Parker talk and cackle like a middle-aged woman who could've been playing the part of Gollum in a terrible "Lord of the Rings" remake. But after he started sucking the youth out of the little witches, he decided he should probably save Spider-Man's sugar daddy and put a stop to this.

So, with a few well-placed threats, and a little bit of life-threatening dangling from the top of a building, the headmistress agreed to let Parker go and help destroy the monster. All in all, not bad for a solo mission, if Wade did say so himself. And there had only been minor injuries sustained, not including himself, of course. He really hoped the populace appreciated him getting his legs blown off for the sake of their crummy town.

With his body returned, Parker stood in the middle of the street, wide eyed and flabbergasted. He patted the sides of his face, "I - I think she's gone."

"Good for you. Probably the first time you ever let a woman inside you, so I know this must be hard. Call your boy and cry into his shoulder, I've got some growing to do." Wade propped himself against the wall, glowering at the bloody, mangled stubs that used to be his legs. Ugh, regrowing limbs hurt like a BITCH. And it took forever too.

Parker winced, "Do you, uh - need any help? I could probably get you somewhere to stay so you can finish...growing."

"No, no, I'll be fine. Go back to your ivory tower and don't tell Spider-Man about any of this. Unless you think he'll be impressed. Do you think he'll be impressed? You know what, I changed my mind, you can tell him."

Peter rolled his eyes, "If you're sure you're okay then," he started to walk away, but stopped, and turned around. "Real quick, did those kids call us heartmates?"

Wade turned his nose up, "Don't read too far into it. You heard them; they probably got the spell wrong. They were trying to summon Shikla, you know, my super sexy demon wife, and all they got was...you," Wade gestured to him. "Bit of a letdown, don't you think? They're all super embarrassed, so you should run along. There's probably a board meeting your late for or something, so shoo shoo," he waved Peter off.

Parker scowled, flipped Wade the bird, deciding he was done with his shit for the day, and walked away. Wade reciprocated the gesture, crossed his arms, and glowered, watching him go and being very unhappy about it.

Of course, Parker would have a fantastic ass too, on top of it all.

One of the witches that hadn't been turned into a baby sidled up next to him to make his day that much worse, "The spell didn't go wrong, you know."

"Don't you have someone else to annoy?"

"It went off perfectly. It brought your heartmate to us."

"The world really is going to shit if a guy can't grow back his kneecaps in peace."

"Heartmates are kind of like soulmates. A person whose heart and soul matches yours wholly. You have a connection."

"Seriously, leave me alone. Wish I had a door I could slam in your face. I'm not a believer, but I promise to go to church if you walk away and never come back."

The girl shrugged, straightening up, "I'm just saying, it's rare to know who your heartmate is, much less have them brought to you on a silver platter. Maybe you should get to know him before you judge."

Wade scowled, and shooed her away again, "Thank you for your sage wisdom, now if you don't mind."

She walked away, leaving Wade to feel worse than he did before. He looked back where Peter had disappeared and his stomach twisted.

"We're not heartmates," he grumbled, crossing his arms. "I would never be heartmates with someone like that."

Peter: (breathes)
Wade: OMG can't you do anything but take up space??
Peter: I can help-
Wade: No thanks, I got it. Just stay there and don't move.
Peter: ¬_¬
Wade: I have to do EVERYTHING around here.
Peter: ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

Aka I think I have way too much fun writing Wade's annoyance towards Peter Parker LMAO.