Third smut chapter in a row. I didn't plan for that to happen, but I guess that's life.

Also, I decided Wade gets his teleporter on his suit because I need it for plot reasons. That's all. Enjoy!

"This sucks," Wade groaned, laying across the big fancy briefing table in Avengers tower.

It was for their monthly check-in with all the members to see how things were going and if there were problems cropping up that everyone should be on the lookout for.

Wade could've easily checked in over the phone, but they preferred he came for a face-to-face meeting so they "could see for themselves" that he wasn't getting into trouble. Normally, Wade would be giving them the giant middle finger, but it so happens that he needed something to do today, and annoying his fellow teammates always made him feel better.

"What sucks?" Hawkeye asked across from him, fiddling with an arrow because the author is a basic bitch and doesn't have the imagination to write him doing anything else.

"People should read your comics more," Wade sighed. "All you ever do is 'fiddle with your arrows.' It's like you don't have a personality at all."

Clint scowled and set the arrow down. "I have personality."

"Well, I know that, but some people are too lazy to put the work in."

He sighed, already deciding that this was a conversation he wasn't going to understand. "So, what sucks exactly?"

"Peter Parker."

LITERALLY!

Clint grunted, prying the tip of the arrow off and examining a trigger switch inside. It looks like one of his exploding arrows. "From Parker Industries? The — uh... webware guy? What's got you so twisted about him?"

Wade sighed, turning over to theatrically splay across the table, " Everything . I'm supposed to be digging up information on him, but he's got an annoying habit of being nice. Don't you hate it when people do that?"

Clint dissected the length of the arrow, following a few wires through the shaft, screwdriver hanging out of his mouth. His eyebrows came together, "Is this a mission or a side job? Are you supposed to be looking into this guy? I know Tony has a thorn in his side about him, but he's never blipped on anyone's radar before."

"Side gig. Gotta have something to do while we're not saving the world from ruin and evil and all of that jazz," Wade waved his hand nonsensically. "And Tony doesn't know because it's none of his business."

Clint was still frowning, "You're not getting into something you're not supposed to, are you?"

"Oh ye of little faith," Wade placed an offended hand over his heart. "It's nothing extreme-"

At the moment. No promises later.

" I'm doing some reconnaissance and making sure he's as much of a saint as I hear."

"Who's been telling you that guy is a saint? There are rarely guys that rich who are."

"Ha! Tony's gonna feel that one in the morning."

Clint shrugged, "It's true. Even Tony has a checkered past. He's not perfect."

"Ugh, Peter Parker may as well be." Wade plopped his head in one hand hand, playing with the disregarded shaft of the arrow with the other. "Do you know how many charities he has around the world? Dozens! He pays all his employees well above the minimum wage, even the janitors and maintenance crew. His company is one of the most diverse in the area, minus Tony's maybe . He funds the FEAST center, which is a homeless shelter by the way. And every time he walks around the city, he always stops and gives money to the homeless that he comes across. He created the Uncle Ben Foundation based on his dead uncle and uses it to help people in the world struggling with resources and natural disasters. The guy is a walking saint, Clint. I hate it."

"Absolutely unbearable," Clint deadpanned.

"He's even got Spider-Man on his payroll. Spider-Man! I once saw him webline Tony for trying to give him a handout, and now he's just gonna follow this guy like a personal lap dog?"

That gives Clint a pause, but he only shrugs. "Who can say with Spidey? The guy is as paranoid as anyone else in the superhero biz. If not more. Maybe he knows something you don't. He has that spider sense of his, doesn't he? If he was in a bad situation, don't you think he'd know?"

"Not everyone knows they're in a pot of hot water, Clit. Not until they're being boiled alive."

Clint acknowledged that with a nod, "If you're so concerned why don't you talk to him about it?"

"Gee, I wonder why I never thought of that," Wade rolled his eyes. "He never wants to talk about Parker. Really talk about him. He just tells me that he trusts him but never goes into detail. How am I supposed to trust someone if he can't even give me a reason outside their public accomplishments?!"

"It kind of sounds like your jealous."

Wade whipped up, affronted. "I am not ! Bite your tongue! What would I possibly be jealous of? His stupid hair that doesn't look it's seen the good end of a comb? Just because I'm bald doesn't mean-"

"You're the one getting worked up about it," Clint interrupted. "So maybe you need to do some soul searching." He thought for a second. "And you know, if you are jealous of his hair, you could always buy a wig."

Wade threw his hands up and decided his tantrum would be better received elsewhere. "You're nothing to me."

"Wouldn't have it any other way."

<><><><><><><>

Despite the blasphemy of Clint's words, he did have one piece of advice Wade took away from their conversation, and that was: have a conversation.

Wade wasn't very good at conversations, despite how much he talked. If you wanted a rundown of every episode of the Golden Girls, he was your man. If you wanted weapon recommendations to go on a bloody massacre, he had your back. But when it came with talking about matters of the heart, he would prefer being slowly lowered into a woodchipper.

But this was his last option, and to have a heart-to-heart with Spider-Man, the only logical solution was: a blind date.

When he sent the text inviting Spider-Man out on a night on the town, he was prepared for rejection. The hero has offered to talk about the heartmate's thing before, but would if he didn't want to anymore? He probably had a lot better things to do than listen to Wade lament his woes and concerns about a person the hero was so obviously close to. Wade didn't keep his hopes up and was already planning a back-up plan to go to Weasel's and annoy him until he threatened him with bodily harm.

Which is why he was so astonished when he got a text back from Spider-Man, accepting the hang out and asking for a place and time. This would be a golden opportunity to schmooze to his pal and figure out once and for all if Spider-Man had his arm twisted behind his back.

Naturally, Spider-Man objected to going to a club in his hero tights, but Wade was still surprised when the other man went along with it once he handed him an image inductor and a new identity.

A secret identity wrapped in a secret identity. How much more careful could someone be?

With "Leonardo DiCaprio" (not the actor) by his side they entered the nightclub for raunchy music, drinks, and sentimental feelings! Wade had created Spider-Man's persona based around Jenny's taste in men but he had to give credit where credit was due.

He may have designed the person, but Spider-Man made them look hot .

Wade knew Spider-Man was a white guy - he's seen him in torn suits before, in person or in the many pictures he's collected over the years – but his personality shown through the inducer and brought the persona to life in a way that made it feel like Wade was really on a date with the person underneath the costume.

They were sitting down at their table as Spider-Man insisted on knowing who this "Jenny" was, whilst having the audacity to claim he doesn't drink. Which is a load of bullshit, he literally accepted that beer two chapters back.

Wade cut him off, "Spidey, listen...I - I know this is a big step for you. Us? Even thinking of trusting me probably gave you a rash in uncomfortable areas, but I promise I'm not gonna screw this up. I want you to see that we can be friends and I want to earn you're trust. So...yeah...cool beans?"

Spider-Man stared back, wide-eyed, and then grimaced, shifting uncomfortably. Shit, maybe Wade laid it on too thick. Started out too fast. Panic set in and the urge to flee the table was only stopped by the ways Spider-Man's eyes flicked back up to him.

"Why do you even care what I think?" Spider-Man sighed, shoulders coming together. "And it's not that I don't trust you, or think we can't be friends, I'm just...well, you know..."

Wade cocked his head to the side, "What? That you're one of the best heroes around?"

"That's a big pedestal."

"Well, it's true. And besides, I know you don't trust me. It's fine. Righteous. I haven't been the best person to trust in the past. I get it."

Spider-Man dragged a hand down his neck, "It's the killing thing," he blurted. "That's like...the biggest thing. I have a whole...you know..."

"Yeah, I know."

"It just makes me uncomfortable."

"I know. I haven't killed for a while. Not unless it's necessary."

"And it's not that I haven't...you know, wanted to kill people before."

"Whoa," Wade held up his hands, "getting a little dark there, Webby."

"I just...don't like that part of myself, and I try not to associate it around me either. You know..."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. No need to give me an explanation. Heh, the fact that you've wanted to kill someone before is...is kind of neat though. Please feel free to go into that all the time. Constantly. I am listening."

Spider-Man leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms, "So, subtle topic change. What's the plan for tonight?"

"Oh, just you wait! I have a couple of gals on their way right now, we're gonna have a blast!"

"And in the meantime?"

"Well," time to enact Wade's master plan, "since you're a stick in the mud and won't drink alcohol, you lying freak of nature, the only logical thing to do is dwell into our deep innermost emotional and personal thoughts."

Spider-Man's eyebrows fell into a straight line, "Great, you first."

Wade heaved a sigh. "As the host of this get together, I must insist you go first. It'd be so unprofessional of me, otherwise. If you're having a hard time finding an icebreaker, I'll help you along. Hmm...let's see...okay, this is just at the top of my head, just a random thought that just popped, but what's your relationship with your boss like? And your work environment? Would you call it a healthy and safe space?"

"Wade did you ask me to hang out just so you could pry about my boss?"

"No! Of course not, who do you think I am?"

Spider-Man sighed, "You're not going to leave me alone about this, are you?"

"Weeeeeell," Wade weighed his hands as if weighing the options to pry into personal matters or giving his friend peace.

Spider-Man came to the conclusion himself and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I really don't know why you're so hung up on Peter. You took the tour, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I took the tour. But anyone could hide anything if they knew the cops were on the way. I'm not a cop but I can be just as trigger happy if you want me to be. Your boy had more than enough time to stash evidence."

"Then why don't you trust me?" Wade paused, opened his mouth, then looked away. Spider-Man barreled on, "Do you really think I would work for someone who used their money and status for bad things? Do you really think so low of me?" His shoulders sagged, and he looked away, rubbing his arm. "Do you really think that low of him ?"

Great. Now Wade felt bad.

He sighed, scrubbing his face. "Ugh, no. I don't think that low of him, okay? In fact, I starting to think the opposite. I like the guy and it's a pain in my ass. You rarely find someone who can afford the richest food in the city, but still frequents local restaurants that make him wait in line for an hour. He's a catch, alright! I just," Wade slouched in his seat, scowling. "Bad people come in all shapes and sizes. I got a tip from a reliable source that Parker is bad news, and there's a lot of money on the line claiming the same. I don't want to hurt you Spidey, but if that guy is playing charades; playing everyone like a fool - and I would know, I'm well acquainted with foolishness - then I won't hesitate to pop one in his head. I don't like being manipulated or muppeted or puppeted or anything else that involves an unwanted hand up my ass. And I...I don't want that to happen to you either."

Spider-Man was stunned into silence. Once again, Wade wanted to kick himself for putting his foot in his mouth. He never could quite figure out when to shut up. Now he felt exposed and naked. Not a fun naked, but a vulnerable naked. Like he'd been stripped and hosed down in front of a judgy crowd, and they were whispering about him, and all he wanted to do was shrink away and hide.

Then Spider-Man leaned forward, and for a single heart-stopping moment Wade thinks 'HOLY SHIT HE'S GONNA KISS ME!,' but the hero only snatches Wade's drink and takes a long, hearty swallow.

"Uh...that was mine."

"Sorry, I needed to take some nerves off." He hissed at the burn of alcohol as it slides down his throat and slams the cup down. Not angrily, thank goodness. "Look, Wade...I appreciate you looking out for me. Really. And if this were anyone but Parker, I would be right there with you investigating them." On a whim, he takes Wade's hands in his own and Wade's heart slams to a stop.

He can feel his gloves through the static of the inducer, and Wade's fingers unconsciously trace the invisible web-lines circling the hero's hands.

"I know I can...come off as...uh...brash and -"

"Judgmental? Self-righteous? Better than thou?"

Spider-Man scowled, but crumbled, and admitted, "Yeah, those. We've clashed a lot in the past, and I admit, when you started doing better, I didn't want to see your growth. I didn't think it was real, or that it would last, but...I guess that just reveals more about me than you. It's obvious you're not the same guy tossing people off bridges anymore, and...in light of this whole heartmate's thing, I think I can trust you. Maybe. Yeah."

Wade whistled, pretending his heart wasn't about to pop straight out of his ribcage. "Woooow, you must really like this guy if just being heartmates with him gets me in your good graces."

"It's not just that," Spider-Man insisted, "If anything, it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. This was a long time coming."

"Do you break camel backs often?"

"Too often, probably," he sighed. "Just, um...look, come by Parker Industries tomorrow, okay? I can show you something that I promise will convince you once and for all that Parker isn't manipulating me."

Wade squinted, "Why not show me now?"

"Because," Spider-Man finished off Wade's drink, "If I'm gonna do this, then I need enough liquid courage to carry me to tomorrow. Besides, I want to unwind tonight."

"Then unwinding we shall do!" Wade slapped his hand on the table, and flagged down a waiter to order another round of drinks. "Speaking of unwinding, it looks like Jenny's here!"

Wade introduced Spider-Man to a very attractive demon posing as a mortal, and tried not to convince himself that Spider-Man kept glancing his way as they talked.

<><><><><><><><>

The night ended with Wade and Spider-Man stripping down to their underwear and dancing on the club stage for the enjoyment of their dates.

Wade was fine with making a run for it, but Spider-Man was either drunk, or high off sweat and body odor and cheap body-spray, because he busted a move . Using all his spider grace, strength, and agility to twist and bend on stage with the skill of, at least, a semi trained dancer.

Wade threw his hands in the air, announced "Fuck it!", and joined him.

It was fun. He could've put on more of a show if he had a pair of stilettos and a poppable dress, but dancing with an almost naked Spider-Man was such a dream come true, he took what he got.

Their performance ended with Spider-Man lifting Wade over his head in another fantastic feat of strength, as the crowd roared in approval and whistles.

They exited the stage giggling and knocking into each other, panting from the exertion, high off giddiness and endorphins. Their clothes were backstage, strewn over a chair (in Wade's case) and tossed in a rumpled corner (in Spidey's). Wade can't toss his guns and weapons around like a buffoon, he takes care of his toys!

"I've never done anything like that before," Spider-Man giggled. His mask was pushed up to his nose and his skin was flushed with adrenaline.

"We should do it more often," Wade agreed, equally as giddy, "What do you think about becoming a dynamic duo? Spidey and the Pool? Webby and the Merc? We can Workshop the name, but I think we would be a hit. What do you-" Wade is cut off by Spider-Man's lips pressing against his own. He's being pushed against the wall, and Spider-Man is gripping his shoulders like his life depends on it, and fuck Spider-Man is KISSING him, what kind of upside, matrix shit was going on.

Wade was NEVER one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He kisses that horse back in the mouth, moving against Spidey to deepen the kiss and slip his tongue inside. Spider-Man tastes like sweat and alcohol, and it's the latter that has Wade pulling away, concerned.

"Hey, you're not drunk, are you? I'm not above a pity fuck, but I draw the line at non-con. Not my MO, if you catch my meaning."

"M'not drunk," Spider-Man murmured, pressing a kiss to the side of Wade's lips, and then his jaw. "Takes a lot more than that to get me drunk. All I've got is a little buzz going."

"Buzz buzz goes the bee?"

"Bee wants to pollinate if you catch my drift."

"Oh ho," Wade happily opened his legs in invitation and Spider-Man's knee came between them, gently pressing up against Wade's groin. "Flowers are open for spring. Fertilize me, baby."

Spider-Man snickered, "Gross."

"You love it."

"Hmm," Spider-Man leaned into him, brushing his lips against Wade's ear and sending a tingle over his skin, "Maybe I do." His hands fell on a Wades' sides, and slid down his hips, wrapping around to give his ass a squeeze.

Wade groaned, grabbing Spider-Man's jaw to bring it back into a heated kiss sloppy with tongue and spit that would put an inexperienced teenager to shame.

"I don't have lube here." Wade mentioned as Spider-Man's hands dived further.

"Me neither," Spider-Man admitted, a touch of frustration. But he perked up. "Do you have your teleporter?"

"Always do."

"Good," Spider-Man webbed both of their suits over to them, and found the device strapped to Wade's shirt. "Hang on."

Wade wrapped his arms around Spider-Man with glee as the world whirled and popped, and when he blinked they were in a dark room. His eyes didn't have time to adjust to the darkness before Spider-Man was shoving him onto a bed. He followed, crawling on top of Wade, running his hands along the grooved plain of his chest.

"Please don't let this be a dream, please don't let this be a dream," Wade panted between kisses. "If it is, then I better be in a coma."

"Not a dream," Spider-Man assured, breathless. "You got a position in mind."

"I want you to rail me. Choo choo my caboose, take me all the way to the station. All aboard, tickets paid."

Spider-Man nipped on a chord of muscle in Wade's neck, kissed it better, and then planted another kiss to his lips. "Aye aye captain."

"That's not a train."

"Who's in charge of this locomotive?"

"You can be if you ask nicely?" Wade bit his lip and waggled his eyebrows.

Through the darkness, Spider-Man smiled, "Please?" He asked, sugar sweet, as his hand dove inside Wade's underwear.

Wade hissed a breath and let out a moan, "S - sure. Because I'm nice. A gentleman. The most gentlemanly gentlemen to ever -" Spider-Man squeezed Wade's cock and he broke off with a heady moan. "Yes, do that again. Just like that."

Spider-Man pumped Wade's cock as his other hand disappeared to the side of the bed. A drawer opened, probably a nightstand, and the pop of a cap opening gave Wade an excited jolt. Spider-Man pumped him a few more times before slipping his underwear down and finally freeing Wade's erection.

Wade helped kicked his underwear off and away, and settled back on the bed, spreading out sexily with his lips pursed in a kissy face. Spider-Man laughed and Wade can't help but laugh with him.

They lose themselves in kissing and squeezing any inch of bare skin. Spider-Man is sucking a bruise into Wade's neck, when Wade finally comes to his senses and takes two handfuls of Spider ass. "Oh holy day," he squee's, "I have been waiting for this moment my whole life. After my ride on Boner Express, you've gotta let me eat you out. Please. Pretty please? The only reason I was born was to stuff my tongue between these two ass cheeks."

"Yes, fine, sure," Spider-Man said, and Wade can imagine how bright his flushed cheeks are. "Geez. Didn't even have to beg, you had me at the ass squeeze."

"Good to know," Wade squeezed gratuitously again. "Now where were we on that railing? I should've known the Spidey Train would run late. The New York subway systems are shit, and it reflects in its citizens."

" Why you ," Spider-Man pinned Wade's hands above his head. Wade liked this development. He liked it a LOT! But because his hero of the night needed his hands free, he shot a web to keep them in place.

"Oooh bondage," Wase waggled his hairless eyebrows, "My safe word is: Transit Delay on Spidey Track."

"That's not a safe word, that's a safe sentence." Spider-Man grabbed Wade's legs, spreading them open. His lubed-up fingers probed Wade's entrance enticingly. "If you're good, I'd be more than happy to get this transit started. Do you me to untie you?"

Wade wiggled his wrists. Despite the rush, the position wasn't painful, and the webbing was elastic enough to be comfortable.

"I'll allow it," he decided. "Show me what you've got, Boo."

"Eager to please," Spider-Man pressed against Wade's lips, and then sunk his first finger inside.

He took his time opening Wade up. A tortuously, deliciously slow time that got Wade impatiently grinding his hips back on those wicked fingers.

Despite his whines - and yes, he did whine. A lot - Spider-Man only conceded when he decided Wade was good and stretched. He withdrew his fingers, and the loss had Wade groaning and looking up where he'd dropped his head.

His eyes had adjusted somewhat to the dark by then, enough that he could see Spider-Man liberally coating his dick in lube, and then he was coming back. Wade wiggled his ass eagerly.

"Let's go, let's go, let's go."

Spider-Man pressed the tip against Wade's hole, but paused. "Are we all aboard the station?"

"Yes. Yes, we are."

"Got everything you need?"

"Yes, let's go."

"Can I see your ticket, sir?"

"Ugh, you snarky little fuck." Wade pulled at the webs, unsuccessfully. Where were his knives when he needed them?

Spider-Man laughed and slammed in with one go. Wade cursed to high heaven and beyond, wrapping his legs around Spider-Man to keep him from escaping, because at this point, he wouldn't be surprised if the bastard did just to tease him.

Wade wanted to make a barb about Spidey putting that superhuman strength to use, but honestly, he didn't have much to say while getting his brains fucked out. Well, nothing of the coherent variety. He had plenty to say as Spider-Man thrust into him eager and hard, immediately seeking out that pleasure spot that had Wade seeing stars.

"Oh - HNG! Right there, right there - ah!" Wade may as well have been the one with the stickiness given the way he locked his legs around him.

Spider-Man's lips sought out Wade's neck, and he sucked and bit, tracing the groove of Wade's scars with his tongue. Wade skin tingled, sensitive from stimulation. He sunk his teeth into the meat of Wade's neck on one particular thrust, and Wade moaned loud and shameless.

"You sexy sonovabitch," he twisted his wrists, and Spider-Man took the hint and tore them away. Wade immediately gripped Spider-Man by the jaw and crashed their lips together, nipping at him. "How do you like being bitten you? Please tell me this is a spider thing and your - GAH - about to consume me."

Spider-Man swiped his tongue across Wade's and they took a moment to swap spit amongst other bodily fluids. "Spider thing maybe. Consume you, certainly. Not in the way you're thinking though."

"You don't wanna know what I'm thinking."

After a moment of tongue wrestling, Wade released Spider-Man's jaw, and with his newfound freedom, Spider-Man adjusted their position so he had a better angle, and put that webshooter precision to work.

By webshooters he means dick.

"Yes, yes, we got the joke." Wade groaned, " FUCK – Spidey, I'm close -"

Spider-Man snuck a hand between their bodies, jerking Wade off as in time with his thrusts as he could. All it took were a few more well-placed slides against his prostate and orgasm hit Wade like, well, a train. He moaned, clamping around Spider-Man in a vice grip as he rode out the waves of pleasure, before sagging into the mattress.

Spider-Man carried on, and a few thrusts later, he came with a noise of pleasure and sagged against Wade, mindless of the mess on his chest.

They took a moment to catch their breath. Wade stroked Spider-Man's arms, staring up at ceiling. "I can't believe it." He muttered.

Spider-Man rolled his head to look at him, chin propped on his chest. "What?"

"You're better in bed than I imagined. Dreams really do come true."

"You're not so bad yourself," Spider-Man smiled, and lay back down. "Then again, what did I expect for someone nicknamed the 'Merc with a Mouth?'"

"Hey, you haven't even experienced the wonders my mouth can do."

"Then why don't you show me sometime?"

Wade rolled over, his turn to pin Spider-Man beneath him. "Why don't I just show you now. You up for seconds, Baby Boy? Don't tell me the Amazing Spider-Man is already spent."

"Geez, give me a minute," but Spider-Man was smiling and Wade could already feel his interest coming to life between them. "What did you have in mind?"

"If I do recall, I was promised an ass to eat. Where's my ass, Spidey? I'm starving ."

"Well, we can't have that. It really is important to have three square meals a day."

"Oh baby, we both know there is nothing square about this," he gripped Spider-Man's ass, hard enough to leave white indents in the skin. He leaned over, whispering huskily in his ear. "Turn over for me, would you?"

Spider-Man uttered a breathless curse and turned on his stomach. Wade propped his ass up, finally getting to admire the display that has teased him so often on patrols.

"An ass I'd follow into battle," he simpered. He spread those cheeks to glimpse the treasure beneath. Spider-Man was already hard and clutching the blankets, shivers running up his spine. Wade grinned, "Don't get too excited, I have a lot of teasing to pay you back for."

Spider-Man whimpered, " Fuck yes. Please."

Wade dove in.

And then they had MORE sex.