"are you going for the appointment, joong?" san asked the older male as he fed yechan small pieces of strawberries that hongjoong had cut up for him. the little one loved being fed by san.

"i have to, i dont have any other option. this isn't for me, this is for yechan. seonghwa meant nothing to me," he replied, his heart stung as he said the last line because seonghwa was someone to him-- he did mean something to him, he simply decided to ignore it.

"take care though, come back and call me if you're feeling bad, alright?"

hongjoong nodded before he carried yechan in his arms, picked up his bags to leave the house, and off to the hospital on san's bike.

the drive was average, the sky shone a dim grey as a faint scent of rain lingered in the cool breeze. hongjoong didn't enjoy the ride, mainly because he didn't want to see seonghwa. although, yechan was happy and giggly, his little hands clapping together, excited at the thought of meeting his favourite doctor. yechan absolutely adored seonghwa, and vice versa.

--|--

before hongjoong entered the therapy room, he stood outside the door, fixing his shirt, fixing his hair and fixing his pants to look nicer as yechan curiously watched him.

"me?" he asked as he looked up at his father, his little eyes twinkling under the light. hongjoong smiled at his son before kneeling, and fixing his hair too, fixing his tiny t-shirt and pants.

even though hongjoong wasn't on good terms with seonghwa, he was willing to do anything for yechan, which meant seeing him even if he didn't want to. it wasn't up to hongjoong, he wanted the best for yechan, and he didn't want his shit to interfere with it. 

"there we go, baby. feelin' handsome?" he complimented before placing a soft kiss on yechan's forehead, earning a little giggle and a smile from him. he nestled him into his arms as he picked him up and took a deep breath, preparing himself for what was about to come; it felt like the unknown. 

with all his might, the male pushed the large oak door, revealing the comforting room that felt like he hadn't visited in years, despite it being only 6 days. the soft glow of the setting sun rays illuminated through the window, and the lemon-scented room freshener sat diagonally opposite the coffee machine. yet again, the scent of freshly brewed coffee tickled his nose as his eyes trailed to seonghwa's desk.

the desk where usually seonghwa placed two cups of brewed coffee now only had one cup sitting atop the desk. it sat alone, leaning against the stack of papers that seonghwa always kept there. the cup seemed to look like the one the older male always used-- a toothless printed cup. it was something he hadn't noticed often. the other cup, light fury-shaped, was placed next to the coffee machine, where he assumed it always was. his heart sunk a little for a reason he didn't want to know. 

seonghwa was sitting on the large chair, his eyes scanning through yechan's reports before he noticed the redhead walking in with the little one 

"good morning, mr kim," seonghwa wished, his usual energy was dulled. the tension in the room was thick, and hongjoong felt like he was suffocating in it. it choked him and twisted his heart in ways he couldn't describe. he hadn't been called 'mr kim' by seonghwa in months, and 

hongjoong bowed as he walked in, yechan wriggling out of his arms and running towards the older male like he always did. his little arms up in the air and hair bouncing up and down as seonghwa flashed him a wide grin.

"hey, buddy! how's my little champ?" seonghwa asked as he ruffled the little one's hair, which started him off about how his day was, yapping about how he spent his day with his uncle san. seonghwa loved to hear when his patients spoke to him like this; regardless of age. he loved it when they told him much more than just how they felt because it meant that they trusted him as a person to share more personal parts of their life. 

on the other hand, to hongjoong, the appointment felt like the appointment was reserved for yechan. he'd always relied on seonghwa's gentle smile, his demeanour, his everything and now it felt empty. he knew he was the one who had ruined things between them, yet he couldn't get rid of the growing hole in his heart that remained abandoned and hollow. 

"shall we get started, mr kim?" the male asked, his voice harsher than he'd ever heard. the voice reminded hongjoong that they meant nothing to each other, he was just a mere father of a patient. his distant tone made him feel like he never had something with the other. 

"uh, yes doctor," hongjoong responded as he fidgeted with the hem of his baby blue shirt, flashing him a tight-lipped smile which he hoped didn't look as fake as he thought it did. he didn't get a smile back, he shouldn't have expected it. but this was what he wanted, the distance, the professionalism, shouldn't he be happy? he felt hurt, and his heart ached. 

the session continued normally, the doctor gently leading yechan through exercises and bringing information out of him. the softness in his voice remained the same, it was just like how it always was. 

hongjoong felt like he always ruined relationships, regardless of whether they were romantic or not. cutting his best friend off when he was 14, getting his girlfriend pregnant, and now this. it was always his fault. he felt like he was the most fucked up human being for ruining everything-- did he even deserve anything? he should have been grateful for them. he felt like he should be more grateful for san before he leaves hongjoong for someone else. he wondered if things would have been different between him and seonghwa if he hadn't ruined everything. 

seonghwa's gaze flickered towards him throughout the session, his eyes holding a dullness that he hadn't seen ever before, unspoken words lingering in the atmosphere. it sent shivers down hongjoong's spine. 

once the session came to an end, seonghwa guided yechan back to the younger male.

"yechan did well today, mr kim. he's progressing well," he said, his tone monotonous and distant.

"thank you," hongjoong replied as he picked up yechan in his arms, the silence engulfing him.

"you may take your leave, the next patient is waiting," seonghwa said, his tone yet again much harsher than what he'd heard before, and fuck did it hurt. there had never been patients after yechan, he was always the last one-- seonghwa always made sure he was the last one.

"what about his adhd diagnosis?" hongjoong asked

"you should be getting it by the next week, or the next two weeks. you'll get a full report along with medications," the male responded as he scanned through the reports of the next patient.

he thanked the male and glanced at him before he walked to the door, the weight of everything he did lingering heavily in his chest.

"wait," seonghwa called, hongjoong immediately snapping his head around.

the male chewed on the corner of his bottom lip, blinking down at the file in his hands.

"nevermind, it's nothing."

the younger nodded, several unspoken words pressing down on him, making him curious as to what he wanted to say. unlike usual, seonghwa's expression had remained unreadable, hongjoong couldn't understand what was happening in his head.

the sound of the heavy door closing, the sound echoing behind him, yet the door for loving the older male in his heart would never close-- even if he thought it was wrong. he knew he had ruined everything between, and if only he could bring everything back to how it was.

--|--

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