veinte seis

hongjoong ran as far as he could, as fast as he could and yet he didn't know where he was going. his heart was pounding loudly inside his chest as he caught his breath when he stopped, in front of a little shop. his phone notified him messages from seonghwa, all filled with worry and anxiety, yet he didn't dare open them.

why did he do that? how disgusting how him. hongjoong felt disgusting for doing it, he wasn't supposed to kiss men, ever-- because that's wrong. he should have stopped himself from doing so. 

seonghwa: hey hongjoong

seonghwa: im sorry i shouldn't have done that

seonghwa: it was my fault

seonghwa: it was all my fault hongjoong im sorry

seonghwa: im sorry if i made you uncomfortable

seonghwa: im so sorry :(  

he walked into the old bakery, the scent of freshly baked goods tickling his nose. his phone chimed with notifications, immediately capturing his attention. 

it was seonghwa who had messaged him. 

his eyes darted around in panic, knowing that he didn't want to speak to anyone at the moment hence he ignored the message and shoved his phone back in his backpack.

the male ignored the dull ache in his chest every time he thought of seonghwa, trying to piece together parts of himself of what he was before all this. just a father of a son that he loved, that's all-- nothing more, nothing less. he didn't want seonghwa to mean anything to him.

he strode over to the glass case that stored all the fresh pastries and cakes, his eyes glancing over each and every item that was displayed in front of him. he pulled out his pink coloured wallet with a flower on it from the back pocket of his jeans; a wallet that was gifted to him by his mom when he was fifteen, he still kept it with him. it's not like he could afford a new wallet anyways. 

hongjoong checked to see how much money he had left, especially after he had spent quite a bit of money in the cafe for both him and seonghwa. he was bummed to find out he could only afford one slice of a cake, pouting at his wallet. and even though he desperately wanted one, he decided to buy a cake for yechan. he'd been asking hongjoong for a strawberry pastry almost the entire week, hence he thought he could buy the strawberry pie for him. hongjoong smiled at the thought of yechan smiling widely after seeing the pastry, he couldn't wait to see his reaction.

though before he could even speak, an old lady from behind the counter flashed him a sweet smile and greeted him. she slowly got up from her chair with the help of the arm rests and walked over to the glass case as she her salt and pepper hair into a small bun. 

"good evening young man! how may i help you?" she asked cheerfully, and hongjoong wished he was in the mood for being all cheerful, though he wasn't. he was sure his eyes red along with his cheeks being as puffy as a squirrel from the crying he did while running. her slightly gruff voice was comforting to hongjoong's ears, she sounded like his late grandmother. 

"uh may i please have the strawberry pastry over here," he asked before he sniffled. the sweet lady grinned at him as she took the pastry from the case.

"how was your day?" she asked, which caught him a bit off guard. 

"oh, yea it was a little tiring, some things happened." 

he wasn't worried about anyone hearing this anyways, nobody was there in the bakery except for him and this sweet old lady, who seemed to be very concerned about his state. she looked like his grandmother too-- which made him want to burst out into tears and cry to her. his grandmother was the best person in his life, apart from yechan. she was the only one in the family who stayed in contact with hongjoong after all the incidents that happened, and the day she met yechan, she fell in love with him. he missed her dearly. 

"its okay, whatever happened is normal. you're really young, things like this surely happen. i don't know what happened but you will get over it young man, it will be okay. don't worry about it, life will be much tougher when you grow up and have children," she replied as she packed the pastry and handed it to him, her voiced laced with pureness and gentleness hongjoong hadn't heard in years. though she was wrong about assuming that he didn't have any children, but he wasn't surprised about it since most men his age didn't have kids in this generation. 

"um, i actually have a son. he's six," he said, smiling a bit at her. his chest swole with pride as he spoke about yechan, he loved him so much that he couldn't even express it in words, his son was his world. 

"oh dear! i'm sorry for assuming you didn't have any kids, you must be such an amazing father! taking care of a child on your own is no small feat," she said while clapping her tiny hands together. 

"no it's okay, usually people my age don't have children nowadays," he said honestly, blushing at the compliment. 

"what's his name?" she asked curiously as she used the tongs to take another pastry and placed it carefully in a bag. 

"his name is yechan."

"what a beautiful name!" she replied cheerfully.

hongjoong's chest tightened at her sweet words, his heart stung yet he felt happy at what he heard, she was so sweet to him despite her not knowing him at all. he blinked rapidly, looking down to try and keep his tears from slipping past his eyes. she handed him the second pastry that she picked up, and confusion spread across his face. why was she giving him this?

"here you go dear, i hope it a brings a smile on your face. it's on the house," she said, her eyes turning into crescent moons with a grin tugged upon her thin lips. 

his throat felt too tight to respond to her words, his heart aching ever so slowly just at her simple words. he never knew words would break him down, and shatter him into several pieces, like tiny shards of glass. maybe she had noticed him not having enough money, just maybe she had noticed. 

his eyes pricked with tears before they streamed down his face, an uncomfortable knot forming in his stomach at each and every sob he let out. he wasn't expecting the kindness she gave him, he felt like he didn't deserve it. his hands trembled as he failed to thank her through cries. 

"oh my dear! i didn't want to make you cry," she said with concern as she waddled around the small counter, trying to get to hongjoong as quickly as she could. she tried to engulf him into a hug, which she successfully did. he was just another customer to her, why did she even care about him? he wondered. 

"you remind me a lot of my grandson, that's why i gave you that. he doesn't speak to me anymore," she gently comforted him as she told him that, and fuck all he could do was cry harder. everything about her, everything about this random old lady, reminded him of his grandmother. he hated that he was unable to control the sobs that tore through him. she shushed him, and calmed him down, made sure he was okay. 

her comforting him took him back to the days he would cry to his grandmother about things his parents did, and she would shush him, comfort him and then make him his favourite soup. 

once he calmed down, he aggressively wiped his tears away with the back of his hand and the lady smiled at him. 

"feeling better, young man?" she asked and he nodded as he sniffled a bit. he didn't expect anyone to care enough to notice. he muttered a thank you which she luckily heard, and pat his head after hearing it.

after leaving the bakery with two of his favourite pastries, he swore he would he come back there more often to meet the old lady. though once again his phone chimed, reminding him that he had to reply to seonghwa. and shit, did he not want to do that. 

the male opened the messages impulsively, his fingers soon hovered the block button and before he knew it, he had blocked seonghwa. the action filled him with a sense of guilt, but he didn't want to dwell on it. the man was supposed to be a nobody to him, just a man who was his son's psychiatrist, that is all. he shoved his phone back in his pocket and continued his walk home, he couldn't afford the bus anyways.

--|--

seonghwa blankly stared at his phone, hoping for a response from the younger; yet there was nothing. minutes passed by, and there was nothing. he was willing to wait for ages for a reply from hongjoong, he wanted hongjoong to forgive him for what he did. he may have gone too far in the moment, which he shouldn't have. 

though his heart ached, he was willing to give up his feelings as long as hongjoong would stay in contact with him. regret and anxiety clawed at him, waiting for something that maybe wouldn't even happen. the events kept replaying in his mind, and everything felt so right at that moment, yet it felt so wrong.

even after minutes, he felt the warmth of hongjoong's lips against his. maybe he had messed everything up, like he always did. maybe he was the cause of everything that happened; he was, he shouldn't have done that, he thought. the tv in the back played some old drama, and he waited, and waited, and waited, yet there was no response from hongjoong. he would wait decades for a response from him, even if he wouldn't get one. 

hongjoong hadn't even read his messages. his heart ached, and hurt, as if several knives were stabbed in it all at the same time. he knew even that would hurt less than how much this hurt. seonghwa shouldn't have wanted more, he felt like a selfish, greedy man for wanting something he knew he probably wouldn't ever get. that's what always ended up from all his relationships, him wanting something that would never be reciprocated. maybe he didn't deserve it. 

an unsettling confusion that clouded his mind, his chest physically hurting. he had to move on, act like nothing happened, all because it was his fault. he had appointments the next day, he couldn't be all fucked up just because of a kiss. a kiss that didn't even mean anything to hongjoong, all it meant was regret. he probably hated seonghwa now. 

seonghwa knew hongjoong was hurting, and yet he went out of his way to kiss him and make it worse. his hands trembled as he thought of all the possibilities of how this could end. his hair was disheveled, his t-shirt too. he could still feel hongjoong's hands gripping his t-shirt, which he wished he could never feel again yet at the same time wished he could always feel it. 

he decided to check if hongjoong had finally replied, even though he knew he probably hadn't. though what stung his heart more, was the fact that he couldn't send messages to him anymore.

he had blocked him.  

it wasn't much, being blocked was just a button being pressed, despite that it felt like a hundred more knives were stabbed in his chest, the feeling becoming numb after a point. seonghwa curled his knees up to his chest, burying his face in it as he let the hot tears fall from his eyes, his heart aching much more than he had expected it to. he felt like he had ended something so special with the younger male which he was always afraid of-- but it was nothing. 

it hurt him knowing that he had ended something that hadn't started at all. 

--|--

i never knew i could write so much, i guess i can write a lot of angst. i love writing this book so much though nrgvfjkdnkfj

also guys pls comment i love reading comments

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